Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[elaine567]

As for his housekeeping stories, they aren’t just stories. I’ve been to his house half a dozen times and every time the house has been in disarray. He has also gotten so frustrated he’s sent me pictures. Trust me she isn’t you.

 

 

Ok so instead of standing taking pics and sending them to you, would it not be possible for him to do a bit of tidying up????

[PhoenixRising8]

As I mentioned before unless you've been in their home to witness these poor housekeeping skills you have no idea what is going on in their household.

 

Likewise lots of couples sleep in separate rooms if they have the space, maybe she snores or suffers from insomnia - who knows?

 

Even being out with a friend could have been a supportive act, of course she could have just been having a good time, we don't know, butneither do you. Of course as mentioned above the house could have been sparkling when he got home.

 

 

Don't be naive, affair sites are full of people who are mainly content in their relationships but are looking for an easy side piece. That's what he was looking for remember, now it's true love so he has to rewrite his marital history to suit!

 

I have been to their home a number of times and seen the state of it so it isn’t stories. He has also sent pictures when he has gotten particularly frustrated.

 

With respect to the separate bedrooms, based on the conversations with his kids that I personally heard, snoring is not the reason he moved out. He was pretty clear with them that he is doubtful the marriage can be salvaged. So why is he still there? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. My suspicion is he doesn’t want to be the bad guy and is staying to show he gave her a chance to change things, which it doesn’t look like she’s doing.

 

Yes she might have been supporting a friend but she was otherwise home ALL DAY. Surely she could have found a half hour to get groceries when she knows her husband will likely work at least a 12 hour day plus travel time.

 

As for whether or not I’m naive, the fact I am considering there may be different reasoning on his part for not having left shows I think, that I’m realistic and not just buying everything without question.

[PhoenixRising8]

Ok so instead of standing taking pics and sending them to you, would it not be possible for him to do a bit of tidying up????

 

He does - often. And laundry, outdoor maintenance, indoor maintenance, Starbucks runs for her. Why should he work more than 12 hours virtually everyday (including many weekends) while she works 16 hours a week. So he should have no rest while she sits on the couch watching TV? How do I know this? Because when he is home and on a call with me, all I hear from the other room is her laughing or commenting on some program she’s watching. Yes she is that loud.

[BaileyB]

You are so judgmental toward her, and quick to defend him for anything... IMHO, you are way too involved in this relationship and much too invested to see things clearly and without bias.

 

Have you considered giving yourself a timeline - if he doesn’t leave by.... this date? Perhaps, that will prevent you from being strung along too long.

[PhoenixRising8]

<snip>

 

I really believe that my unwillingness to be a band aid for his marriage, and my firm "make a decision" stance was the right way to go.

 

People can and do leave marriages, all the time. You can't control what he does, but you can control what you do and how you respond to him.

 

My .02....

 

edited to add: please know that I am not unsympathetic, being an OW was really sucky. I get all the feelings and emotions, believe me, I am not discounting that. I just tried to be a bit more strategic in my approach to my affair (understanding how ridiculous that probably sounds...)

 

I am happy that your situation worked out for you and I hope mine does for me.

 

I am starting to think more strategically and plan my next steps. I probably have made his life at home more tolerable because I listen to his frustration and provide support. Your tactic of not being a sounding board is one I will start to employ. If he’s frustrated with her then he should deal with it.

 

I have also told him that now that I am separated, I am not going to be the other woman for any extended period. That is what my January trip is about. It will put time and distance between us and he will either find life without access tolerable or not. That should help him get his act together.

Edited November 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[PhoenixRising8]

You are so judgmental toward her, and quick to defend him for anything... IMHO, you are way too involved in this relationship and much too invested to see things clearly and without bias.

 

Have you considered giving yourself a timeline - if he doesn’t leave by.... this date? Perhaps, that will prevent you from being strung along too long.

 

Yes, January when I go away for 3 weeks. When I come back we will be either together or done.

[PhoenixRising8]

So something else to consider is this.... assuming the struggle is real, which there is no reason to think it is not... how long is he going to live this way without making changes?

 

I watched my MM carefully during our affair to see how he dealt with life. He would not have been a suitable partner for me, if he were the type that "let life happen to him".

 

Why does he say he has not left?

 

His son is just finishing a technical program and when it’s done in January he plans to leave. Despite the fact his son is 27, he is more dependent and fragile than many tweens ive known. He’s been super babied and protected as he was diagnosed with a serious life long illness at age 9. I’ve said to Jim I hope there won’t be other seemingly valid reasons that he finds in the meantime. At some point the reasons become nothing more than excuses.

[WasOtherWoman]

I am happy that your situation worked out for you and I hope mine does for me.

 

I am starting to think more strategically and plan my next steps. I probably have made his life at home more tolerable because I listen to his frustration and provide support. Your tactic of not being a sounding board is one I will start to employ. If he’s frustrated with her then he should deal with it.

 

I have also told him that now that I am separated, I am not going to be the other woman for any extended period. That is what my January trip is about. It will put time and distance between us and he will either find life without access tolerable or not. That should help him get his act together.

 

Excellent. Now try not to get wrapped up in his struggles and what his home life / wife is or is not. All irrelevant and just noise, really.

 

Focus on his actions.. is he taking steps towards leaving? Does he have a solid plan for once he has left (assuming he is leaving the house). Has he made plans to buy a new house (or rent or whatever one does).

 

Remember, you are the single one, with all the options in the world. If he loves you and wants you, he needs to take action. If he does not, he loses, move on!

[elaine567]

Focus on his actions.. is he taking steps towards leaving? Does he have a solid plan for once he has left (assuming he is leaving the house). Has he made plans to buy a new house (or rent or whatever one does).

His "plans" are to move in with the OP, so there is no real need for him to do anything to a timeline, it is open ended...

[PhoenixRising8]

Excellent. Now try not to get wrapped up in his struggles and what his home life / wife is or is not. All irrelevant and just noise, really.

 

Focus on his actions.. is he taking steps towards leaving? Does he have a solid plan for once he has left (assuming he is leaving the house). Has he made plans to buy a new house (or rent or whatever one does).

 

Remember, you are the single one, with all the options in the world. If he loves you and wants you, he needs to take action. If he does not, he loses, move on!

 

Thank you for sharing your story and your experience. It’s good to get some practical advice rather than the standard he’s using you and future faking statements. I know that is a possibility but hopeful, for now, that it isn’t the reality.

[PhoenixRising8]

His "plans" are to move in with the OP, so there is no real need for him to do anything to a timeline, it is open ended...

 

And that door will be closed if I come back in January and he’s still got his butt firmly parked at home with no exit plans. It takes me a while to give up but when I’m done, I’m done. And no, it won’t take me as long to clue in as with exH.

[WasOtherWoman]

Thank you for sharing your story and your experience. It’s good to get some practical advice rather than the standard he’s using you and future faking statements. I know that is a possibility but hopeful, for now, that it isn’t the reality.

 

I am glad to share my experience. But - and i am sure you know this, as others have said, the odds definitely are not in the favor of this working out. That said, sometimes it does, and really, he is either leaving or he is not.

 

A very wise friend of mine told me (years ago, while my MM was still married) that men don't leave unless their wives kick them out, or they find someone they want to be with more.

 

I believe that is true. Men leaving is a rarity.... I always protected myself first and foremost. My message to him was, since day 1, "make a decision.... stay, or go, either way I will be fine". I was not going to be fine in limbo, so i didn't allow myself to be there.

[elaine567]

His son is just finishing a technical program and when it’s done in January he plans to leave. Despite the fact his son is 27, he is more dependent and fragile than many tweens ive known. He’s been super babied and protected as he was diagnosed with a serious life long illness at age 9. I’ve said to Jim I hope there won’t be other seemingly valid reasons that he finds in the meantime. At some point the reasons become nothing more than excuses.

OK so said son then needs to get a job. I am guessing that will be super tough for him and even if he gets one, he will need a lot of support in the initial stages, until he finds his feet...

...and January is right after Christmas too. His last Christmas at home with his whole family intact... the guilt will kill him...

 

 

You need to be very firm here, as this is what happens to so many OWs.

Before you know it, you have free wheeled through another year of turmoil and chaos, indecision and avoidance, love and hate, and are looking at another January...

[Starswillshine]

You have been to their house?

 

Again, when will you wake up and realize he is a tool? I try my hardest not to judge people here, but YOU went along with it? Why on earth would you ever want to go into their home? That is wrong on so many levels. Did this make you feel good that he would so blatantly disrespect her (beyond the fact that he is having an affair)? Does it make you feel like maybe it was a win for you? Because in your earlier post you discuss how you tested him by making him ditch birthday plans for his wife's birthday. Is the competition you have with his wife clouding your judgement?

 

No need to answer but something you must look into. Also, read about triangulation in affairs. Seems a good bit of this is going on with your MM.

 

The January trip timeline is a good one. You had a horrible marriage and you left it. You took action. I hope that you can make a decision and find someone who is deserving of you. Best wishes.

[PhoenixRising8]

OK so said son then needs to get a job. I am guessing that will be super tough for him and even if he gets one, he will need a lot of support in the initial stages, until he finds his feet...

...and January is right after Christmas too. His last Christmas at home with his whole family intact... the guilt will kill him...

 

 

You need to be very firm here, as this is what happens to so many OWs.

Before you know it, you have free wheeled through another year of turmoil and chaos, indecision and avoidance, love and hate, and are looking at another January...

 

Yes Christmas will be a challenge I suspect, much like his birthday. I think that’s why I chose immediately after Christmas to go away. It will either kill him not to see me or he will find it isn’t so bad and he can deal with it. In the meantime I will be supported and with my cousins in Europe.

[anika99]

He has taken you inside of their home and sent you pictures? I know you probably feel like no matter what you say people find fault but honestly the more things you tell us in his defense the worse he sounds. Why on earth would he take you inside of their house?

 

And WasOtherWoman makes a good point too. What is attractive about a man calling you to give you a rundown of everything his wife is doing to piss him off? And sending pictures? That just sounds like such a weird and unhealthy way to bond or start a relationship. I know that when I'm dating someone I certainly don't want to hear sad or angry whiny stories about an ex. It's a big turn off and it's a flag that the guy isn't ready to be with someone new in a healthy way.

 

It seems to me that a more manly man would handle his marriage problems in a much more mature and healthy way. I've left a couple of longterm unhealthy relationships. It was hard and I was no saint but I never would have treated an ex or a new love interest the way this guy is treating his wife and you. He probably thinks it's flattering to you somehow to compare you to his awful wife in way that makes you look so much better than her but really he is just dragging you down into the dirt.

 

You should be insulted that he thinks you want a blow by blow description of his miserable marriage. Doesn't he think you deserve something better than listening to him whine about his problems rather than taking control of his life like an adult man? When he talks to you his attention should be on you and the relationship he has/wants with you. He shouldn't be wasting your time complaining about his wife. Maybe you feel good hearing this stuff, maybe it makes you feel like you are better or like you are winning but look deeper. He is making everything all about him. It's all about how unhappy he is, how awful his wife is, how helpless he is to do anything. He's written himself a tragic play and made himself the star and given you a supporting role.

 

Does this fit a pattern in your life? Have you been attracted to needy selfish men in the past? Men who think your needs are secondary to what they need? Men who think it's your place in life to support them at the expense of your own happiness? You say your ex husband was narcissistic so we know you have been with at least one other selfish unhealthy man and now you have chosen another toxic relationship.

 

Look you just left your husband, why the rush to be in another relationship so soon? Why not enjoy the single life for a bit? Spend time getting to know yourself better. Date a few men and learn what you really want from a man. As it stands right now you have just traded one dysfunctional relationship for another.

[PhoenixRising8]

You have been to their house?

 

Again, when will you wake up and realize he is a tool? I try my hardest not to judge people here, but YOU went along with it? Why on earth would you ever want to go into their home? That is wrong on so many levels. Did this make you feel good that he would so blatantly disrespect her (beyond the fact that he is having an affair)? Does it make you feel like maybe it was a win for you? Because in your earlier post you discuss how you tested him by making him ditch birthday plans for his wife's birthday. Is the competition you have with his wife clouding your judgement?

 

No need to answer but something you must look into. Also, read about triangulation in affairs. Seems a good bit of this is going on with your MM.

 

The January trip timeline is a good one. You had a horrible marriage and you left it. You took action. I hope that you can make a decision and find someone who is deserving of you. Best wishes.

 

We were picking up the dog to take to the cancer treatment centre. Yes there is a sick dog too ...

[Starswillshine]

Yes Christmas will be a challenge I suspect, much like his birthday. I think that’s why I chose immediately after Christmas to go away. It will either kill him not to see me or he will find it isn’t so bad and he can deal with it. In the meantime I will be supported and with my cousins in Europe.

 

Christmas is hard. There is always something looming that makes the timing really bad to leave a marriage (been there, done that). At some point, you just have to rip off the bandaid.

[PhoenixRising8]

He has taken you inside of their home and sent you pictures? I know you probably feel like no matter what you say people find fault but honestly the more things you tell us in his defense the worse he sounds. Why on earth would he take you inside of their house?

 

And WasOtherWoman makes a good point too. What is attractive about a man calling you to give you a rundown of everything his wife is doing to piss him off? And sending pictures? That just sounds like such a weird and unhealthy way to bond or start a relationship. I know that when I'm dating someone I certainly don't want to hear sad or angry whiny stories about an ex. It's a big turn off and it's a flag that the guy isn't ready to be with someone new in a healthy way. <snip>

 

We spend a lot of time together so the amount of time we spend talking about our spouses is minimal. We didn’t just jump into bed the moment we met. We did develop a friendship first and that included supporting each other through our frustrations.

 

All that said, I intend to take WasOtherWoman’s advice: don’t talk about his marriage because it just makes it easier for him to tolerate when he has someone to listen to him. His issue, he can start dealing with it on his own.

Edited November 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[WasOtherWoman]

 

All that said, I intend to take WasOtherWoman’s advice: don’t talk about his marriage because it just makes it easier for him to tolerate when he has someone to listen to him. His issue, he can start dealing with it on his own.

 

So this reminds me of a conversation he and i had long ago. He lived in my state during the week, where his company was, and then went back to his state on the weekends. I refused to allow him to contact me on the weekends. He was like "but talking to you on the weekends is the only thing that makes it bearable to be here."

 

My brain went... WAS HE KIDDING ME??? Like I was at all interested in making his home life tolerable? Seriously??? As if....

No soup for him!!! I was actually surprised that my smart, successful CEO MM was stupid enough to say that to me...

[elaine567]

Also, read about triangulation in affairs. Seems a good bit of this is going on with your MM.

 

Yes, the MM sets up a competition, a competition that the OW apparently easily wins, sexier, more attractive, more fun, more understanding, more intelligent... etc. etc. than his plain dull boring wife.

He conspires with the OW, he pits her against the wife, she is important, included and the wife is excluded and deemed unimportant.

The OW is then hooked. Of course he will leave why wouldn't he?

But...

 

It is definitely a good idea to disallow this ganging up on the wife and allow him to use you to soak up all his marital problems.

As a single person would you allow your bf to talk disparagingly about his ex? or discuss their relationship ad infinitum? or would you read her love letters to him??? I guess not and that is how mixed up and weird, affairs often are...

[S2B]

I have been to their home a number of times and seen the state of it so it isn’t stories. He has also sent pictures when he has gotten particularly frustrated.

 

With respect to the separate bedrooms, based on the conversations with his kids that I personally heard, snoring is not the reason he moved out. He was pretty clear with them that he is doubtful the marriage can be salvaged. So why is he still there? That’s what I’m trying to figure out. My suspicion is he doesn’t want to be the bad guy and is staying to show he gave her a chance to change things, which it doesn’t look like she’s doing.

 

Yes she might have been supporting a friend but she was otherwise home ALL DAY. Surely she could have found a half hour to get groceries when she knows her husband will likely work at least a 12 hour day plus travel time.

 

As for whether or not I’m naive, the fact I am considering there may be different reasoning on his part for not having left shows I think, that I’m realistic and not just buying everything without question.

 

IF her house is messy - that's better than what he does all day - which is to fuel his affair.

 

A messy house can be tidied up - an affair... not so much.

 

I only point this out since you are comparing.

Edited November 14, 2018 by S2B

[S2B]

There will always be a new reason why he can't leave home (his wife) - some new scene will always come up.

 

Wait for it....

 

Excuses excuses excuses.

 

When any MM decides he's done - he leaves immediately and never looks back.

 

 

This guy isn't even close to "done"!

[PhoenixRising8]

Yes, the MM sets up a competition, a competition that the OW apparently easily wins, sexier, more attractive, more fun, more understanding, more intelligent... etc. etc. than his plain dull boring wife.

He conspires with the OW, he pits her against the wife, she is important, included and the wife is excluded and deemed unimportant.

The OW is then hooked. Of course he will leave why wouldn't he?

But...

 

It is definitely a good idea to disallow this ganging up on the wife and allow him to use you to soak up all his marital problems.

As a single person would you allow your bf to talk disparagingly about his ex? or discuss their relationship ad infinitum? or would you read her love letters to him??? I guess not and that is how mixed up and weird, affairs often are...

 

Thank you for explaining this. I had no idea triangulation in affairs was a thing. No I wouldn’t want to hear a bf’s stories about an ex but I suppose I didn’t see this as the same thing since we started out exchanging war stories and it just kept going. Something I will put a stop to starting now.

 

Finally some good practical advice rather than the few recycled comments about how horrible all MMs are that have been the mainstay of this thread.

[PhoenixRising8]

So this reminds me of a conversation he and i had long ago. He lived in my state during the week, where his company was, and then went back to his state on the weekends. I refused to allow him to contact me on the weekends. He was like "but talking to you on the weekends is the only thing that makes it bearable to be here."

 

My brain went... WAS HE KIDDING ME??? Like I was at all interested in making his home life tolerable? Seriously??? As if....

No soup for him!!! I was actually surprised that my smart, successful CEO MM was stupid enough to say that to me...

 

Now this post made me laugh ?. Thank you for your enlightening take. So true. Methinks I shall adopt your approach.