Author PhoenixRising8 Posted December 7, 2018 Author Share Posted December 7, 2018 Again, If she was always like that.... I mean, at some point, he found her attractive. Something about her attracted him. He married the woman. You keep engaging with the man. I thought he was working on his marriage? How does he do this while being involved with you? And you guys are still discussing being together? I thought it was done? Seems far from it. And the more he plays "time will tell".... the more you stay on the line of "maybe tomorrow he is leaving." And this vacation? Do you know for sure friends are going? And how do you know that he will indeed be cycling during the days without her? And at night, how do you know they wont be having sex? I know you like to excuse his behaviors because you were married when you met and maybe did the same things. But you actually left your marriage. Period. Yours was for certain bad enough to leave. His.... apparently is not. Sheesh my communication skills must be sorely lacking. He is discussing being together and how much he misses me. We’ve only had a few calls. I am listening but have abandoned the notion of a fairy tale ending. His words and behaviour have helped me to see who he really is and that isn’t who I fell in love with. That man doesn’t exist. My way of ending it is to disengage, which I have done and then use the trip as a start to NC, maybe sooner. We all process things differently and this is how I process. I have given him plenty of rope to hang himself these last few weeks and he has done so in fine fashion. My attachment decreases every minute and because of that I know I will be able to walk away without regrets or “what if’s”. The feedback on this forum has been invaluable. I know I have made excuses for him but every time I did and posters predicted his behaviour and I argued against those predictions, the predictions ended up being right and I was wrong. So I went about through a few calls testing the theory he wouldn’t leave, that he was future faking and Hawaii just solidified that conclusion. I have no doubt there will be lots of hysterical bonding and I don’t care. Good luck to them. I don’t want a man who can be so cruel as to string two women. I don’t want a man who will make promises and not keep them ( he started the whole us between ow and forever crap). Rose coloured glasses are off and broken. I have no illusions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted December 7, 2018 Author Share Posted December 7, 2018 I understand your frustration, but it makes your situation even less sympathetic when you talk so badly about his wife, the way she looks, the way she is, etc. I get thinking about it but to actually share that information as points in your favor is in poor taste. I'll bow out of your thread now, I think I've said everything I have that might help you, and honestly it's just too discouraging to keep reading. I wish you the very best of luck, I hope you gain the clarity and strength to put this behind you. There's something so much better for you out there if you'll free your heart and mind to find it. She is who she is and she obviously worked for him for a long time. The comparison is his but it’s pretty accurate. I can’t apologize for something that is. As for clarity it is there more so than ever. When I’m done I’m done and there’s no looking back. The last few weeks have been a blast of ice cold water and I won’t mourn something or someone who doesn’t deserve it and frankly he doesn’t. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted December 7, 2018 Share Posted December 7, 2018 Sheesh my communication skills must be sorely lacking. He is discussing being together and how much he misses me. We’ve only had a few calls. I am listening but have abandoned the notion of a fairy tale ending. His words and behaviour have helped me to see who he really is and that isn’t who I fell in love with. That man doesn’t exist. My way of ending it is to disengage, which I have done and then use the trip as a start to NC, maybe sooner. We all process things differently and this is how I process. I have given him plenty of rope to hang himself these last few weeks and he has done so in fine fashion. My attachment decreases every minute and because of that I know I will be able to walk away without regrets or “what if’s”. The feedback on this forum has been invaluable. I know I have made excuses for him but every time I did and posters predicted his behaviour and I argued against those predictions, the predictions ended up being right and I was wrong. So I went about through a few calls testing the theory he wouldn’t leave, that he was future faking and Hawaii just solidified that conclusion. I have no doubt there will be lots of hysterical bonding and I don’t care. Good luck to them. I don’t want a man who can be so cruel as to string two women. I don’t want a man who will make promises and not keep them ( he started the whole us between ow and forever crap). Rose coloured glasses are off and broken. I have no illusions. I do understand what you mean. I needed to see through things myself. So I get what you are saying. I wish you the best. Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Seriously in this case the comparisons are accurate. She is 5” shorter and at least 50 lbs heavier (size 14 vs 6) She is quite manly and dresses in a very frumpy way. So yeah, in that department, I win hands down. I have seen literally dozens of pictures of her. He is fit and well spoken and quite handsome. So not a match personality or looks wise. Believe me or don’t. I’m not that conceited but I can see how different we are. This is cruel. You call him cruel, but take a look in the mirror. This poor woman is being cheated on and mocked behind her back. When it comes to character, she is “winning” big-time. A good relationship is one in which you are able to be your best self. Do you feel like your best self right now? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Seriously in this case the comparisons are accurate. She is 5” shorter and at least 50 lbs heavier (size 14 vs 6) She is quite manly and dresses in a very frumpy way. So yeah, in that department, I win hands down. I have seen literally dozens of pictures of her. He is fit and well spoken and quite handsome. So not a match personality or looks wise. Believe me or don’t. I’m not that conceited but I can see how different we are. This may come as quite a surprise to you but real long term marital love is about a lot more than looks. Affair partners always talk like their affair is built on the greatest love of all time but the more they talk the more it becomes apparent that that affairs are really built on ego and the love doesn't run very deep at all. It's all about stolen moments, hot sex, all while stroking each other's massive egos. Their love is so special but they are quick to stab each other in the back, throw each other under the bus. Just go introduce yourself to his wife and tell her you and her husband haver been hitting the sheets together for months. He will turn on you so fast it will make your head spin. OW say they are not in it for the competition but then posts like this indicate that they are very much competing. Comparing themselves to the spouse and assuring themselves that they are better. If they feel that they are more attractive then they are so sure that they are more deserving. They feel like the spouse does not deserve her spouse since she is fat or unattractive. Of course the irony is that the OW actually does deserve the MM more than the wife because the wife deserves better than to be tied to a lying cheater but the OW has already made it clear she will accept those traits. I know some Roseanne type women irl and their husbands love them. One does have a very attractive husband and he adores her. She was never overly feminine or thin but he fell in love with her and thinks she is wonderful. He is not crying in his beer every night because he's not married to a Michelle Pfeiffer. If he was that kind of man she never would have married him in the first place. She is kind, funny and just a great person. She wouldn't' settle for superficial shallow man. You think if your MM's wife knew you she wouldn't think she has a fighting chance? Like she would take one look at you and think she should throw in the towel just because she doesn't look as good as you. Like she will feel like a loser in your presence? Haha...don't be so shallow. You might be hot on the outside but you sure have a lot to learn about self love and inner beauty. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 He's just wasting your time and energy at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 [quote=anika99;768773 You think if your MM's wife knew you she wouldn't think she has a fighting chance? Like she would take one look at you and think she should throw in the towel just because she doesn't look as good as you. Like she will feel like a loser in your presence? Haha...don't be so shallow. You might be hot on the outside but you sure have a lot to learn about self love and inner beauty. Agree completely, a perfect example of beauty is only skin deep! You've already trolled her character in this thread and now moved onto her looks, it's not making her look bad here. Your latest posts have displayed a level of arrogance that is quite astounding. I don't know if it is natural or if it's coming from a place of hurt because MM has not turned out to be who you thought he was. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Seriously in this case the comparisons are accurate. She is 5” shorter and at least 50 lbs heavier (size 14 vs 6) She is quite manly and dresses in a very frumpy way. So yeah, in that department, I win hands down. I have seen literally dozens of pictures of her. He is fit and well spoken and quite handsome. So not a match personality or looks wise. Believe me or don’t. I’m not that conceited but I can see how different we are. Ouch! While, I understand that you have taken a hit to your ego because he has stayed with his wife, and OW on this board are often of the opinion that they are somehow superior to the wife or the man should not be seeking their company... As others have said, this kind of a comment is more of a reflection of your character than that of his wife. This is increadibly judgmental. Obviously, there is something about her that he loves because he has clearly chosen to stay... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 8, 2018 Share Posted December 8, 2018 Its actually very common and I guess why many OW stick around for so long when the writing is on the wall. They get involved with a married man, he showers her with compliments and he future fakes. He moans about his dreadful harridan of a wife, or says nothing, and she fills in the gaps for herself. He would not risk everything for someone he was not madly in love with would he? The OW's ego is flying high, she looks at the wife and sees no competition whatsoever, she is better in all ways, younger, prettier, sexier, better in bed, more intelligent, dresses better.. etc. etc. She is onto a winner, she just needs to oust the wife and that will be easy peasy... She gets deeper involved as it is a sure thing, he will leave his wife for her... the fairy tale will have a happy ending... BUT... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted December 14, 2018 Share Posted December 14, 2018 How are you doing KatKat? Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted December 17, 2018 Share Posted December 17, 2018 I was hard on her above (as were many others) but I do feel for her. I think she’s in for a world of hurt. As much as you can tell yourself “it’s not going to hurt when I have to go NC”...it’s going to hurt. Badly. This situation is going nowhere good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 Yes, people were hard b.ut hey it's an anonymous forum on the net, not like we're dealing with real people with real feelings. Think what you will. I'm a bad person mocking her. If stating facts is mocking then I'm guilty as charged. It was my way of saying if looks, intelligence and success were the only things that counted, then he would be with me. But I can't and never could compete with a 30 year history, 2 kids and the "security" of being an "upstanding family man". He loved her once, he chose her, he married her. I've said that to him more than once. Yes it hurts. It hurts big time. It's 3 AM in Europe and I rung in the New Year with my cousins trying to have fun but my heart is breaking. Breaking because the ex decided he would harass me on text and email once I got here. Breaking because I had a weak moment before leaving with him. Once again he professed his love and that he was leaving and I caved. When I said it was done he showed me the text he sent her while he was with me and sure enough, he texted exactly what he said he did. She wanted him to come home and that she loves him to which he replied he wasn't coming home and his love for her isn't there anymore, that he doubts he can stay in the marriage. What the hell do I do with that? I know everyone says he's lying to both of us and that he's playing both of us but I have never yet caught him in a lie. He is consistent regardless how many different ways I ask the same questions. A part of me says run - no point chasing a married man and a part of me wonders "what if"? Then there's the narcissist I'm married to. Go ahead, vilify me. I don't even care anymore. I'm a bad person. I love a married man. I unrealistically hope it can work out well. I know it won't. I've given up my integrity and my moral compass for someone who likely doesn't deserve it. Happy New Year. Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 (edited) Seriously in this case the comparisons are accurate. She is 5” shorter and at least 50 lbs heavier (size 14 vs 6) She is quite manly and dresses in a very frumpy way. So yeah, in that department, I win hands down. I have seen literally dozens of pictures of her. He is fit and well spoken and quite handsome. So not a match personality or looks wise. Believe me or don’t. I’m not that conceited but I can see how different we are. While it's very impressive to be in that kind of shape, personally I find size 14 far more attractive than size 6. Give me those lovely feminine curves over skinny straight lines any day! Just personal opinion of course - we are all different. I'm sure you're very attractive LKK, but she probably is too, just in a different way. It's not true objectively to say that one 'wins' over another. It's all very subjective. Glad to see the rose tinted spectacles are of LKK. All the very best for 2019. You seem too have seen right through him and can hopefully recover quickly. Very good luck. All the best. Edited January 1, 2019 by jenkins95 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 Once again he professed his love and that he was leaving and I caved. When I said it was done he showed me the text he sent her while he was with me and sure enough, he texted exactly what he said he did. She wanted him to come home and that she loves him to which he replied he wasn't coming home and his love for her isn't there anymore, that he doubts he can stay in the marriage. What the hell do I do with that? Happy New Year, LilKat. He did not say "I can not stay in this marriage", he says "I doubt I can stay in this marriage." He thus gives himself wiggle room... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jenkins95 Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 (edited) Originally Posted by LilKatKat "Once again he professed his love and that he was leaving and I caved. When I said it was done he showed me the text he sent her while he was with me and sure enough, he texted exactly what he said he did. She wanted him to come home and that she loves him to which he replied he wasn't coming home and his love for her isn't there anymore, that he doubts he can stay in the marriage. What the hell do I do with that?" Tell him that you may be interested in talking to him when he has a divorce certificate in his hand, but until then he is not to contact you in any way. Say it like you mean it, calmly and a little coldly. Then wish him a Happy New Year, walk away and go into immediate, 100% strict total NC. Good luck LKK Edited January 1, 2019 by jenkins95 1 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 You saw a text? So thats just more of the same torment that he has been dishing out to his wife and to you for the past 4 months. He says something like that to his wife and then he enjoys her attention while she jumps through hoops trying to win his affection back. Meanwhile he uses the crappy dishonest way he is treating his wife to keep you hooked. "Look at the cold texts that I sent my wife, doesn't that prove I love you?" And somehow this works for him. I just dont get it. The way he is handling this situation is so unmanly and unattractive that I don't understand why any women wants him. I hope you stick to your timeline. You said he has until mid January to leave and if he doesn't you will walk. Please stick to that. Don't spend another year in this mess. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 Happy new year. Is he still planning the “breakup vacation” to Hawaii? What’s your walk-away point here? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 Don't spend another year in this mess. That sounds like a very good resolution, if ever I have heard one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 Happy New Year, LilKat. He did not say "I can not stay in this marriage", he says "I doubt I can stay in this marriage." He thus gives himself wiggle room... Yes, wiggle room. I have noticed he's very good at giving himself wiggle room and using weasel words. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 Happy new year. Is he still planning the “breakup vacation” to Hawaii? What’s your walk-away point here? It isn't finalized but it is still a possibility. Walk away I believe is Hawaii. I don't think I can deal with that. That will be too much to swallow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 You saw a text? So thats just more of the same torment that he has been dishing out to his wife and to you for the past 4 months. He says something like that to his wife and then he enjoys her attention while she jumps through hoops trying to win his affection back. Meanwhile he uses the crappy dishonest way he is treating his wife to keep you hooked. "Look at the cold texts that I sent my wife, doesn't that prove I love you?" And somehow this works for him. I just dont get it. The way he is handling this situation is so unmanly and unattractive that I don't understand why any women wants him. I hope you stick to your timeline. You said he has until mid January to leave and if he doesn't you will walk. Please stick to that. Don't spend another year in this mess. Seemingly, in terms of the day to day she isn't jumping hoops to win him back. Having said that, she has outdone herself in terms of immersing him with friends and family since his birthday and over the holidays. I have my doubts he can withstand it which is why my physical absence is an important factor. I'm not there to muddy the waters. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 She has outdone herself in terms of immersing him with friends and family since his birthday and over the holidays. I have my doubts he can withstand it. And what exactly do you expect them to do for his birthday and holidays... Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 And what exactly do you expect them to do for his birthday and holidays... I expected nothing different. What was different was New Year's Eve. They generally stay home. Not this year. They went out for dinner and dancing. He still managed to call me at midnight and a couple of times today. I guess if he can still withstand all the togetherness, who knows but I'm not counting on anything. He did say that he was getting financial stuff in order this week so he can turn things over in order. I'll believe it when I see it. Maybe not even then. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 (edited) I expected nothing different. What was different was New Year's Eve. They generally stay home. Not this year. They went out for dinner and dancing. He still managed to call me at midnight and a couple of times today. I guess if he can still withstand all the togetherness, who knows but I'm not counting on anything. He did say that he was getting financial stuff in order this week so he can turn things over in order. I'll believe it when I see it. Maybe not even then. Going out for dinner and dancing on New Years is not unreasonable. It may not be their "usual," but I would be careful to make any assumptions. I really hope that you are enjoying your trip. Be sure you are not missing out on a wonderful opportunity because you are focused on a dead-end relationship - that would be such a waste of your time and energy. Edited January 1, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 I expected nothing different. What was different was New Year's Eve. They generally stay home. Not this year. They went out for dinner and dancing. He still managed to call me at midnight and a couple of times today. I guess if he can still withstand all the togetherness, who knows but I'm not counting on anything. He did say that he was getting financial stuff in order this week so he can turn things over in order. I'll believe it when I see it. Maybe not even then. He still has you on that string, waiting... I am confused, he is showing you texts of him refusing to come home to her, yet they are dining and dancing on NYE. Has he left or is he staying with friends or is he still at home? Link to post Share on other sites
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