BaileyB Posted January 5, 2019 Share Posted January 5, 2019 I think you are grasping at anything that can give you hope. This much is very obvious. It's like looking at photos posted on social media... I have a friend who posts lovely, happy photos of her children and her family living life and having fun together. The first question I ask her when we meet for coffee - "What is really happening in your life..." And she spends the next hour telling me about all of the very difficult things that she is dealing with in her life. Rarely does the image reflect reality. You are obviously very committed to the idea that he is unhappy in his marriage, and your perception of the photo clearly represents the same... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 5, 2019 Share Posted January 5, 2019 Yes. NYE pictures show just how unhappy he is ... He can’t be THAT unhappy - he hasn’t left her. Besides, when any person says they are unhappy - it doesn’t mean they will ever change anything. Better that he’s unhappy with her than unhappy with you! Happiness is a state of mind - don’t think because he comes to you after he leaves her that he will (May be) happy. Happiness isn’t determined by who you are with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted January 5, 2019 Author Share Posted January 5, 2019 Unless he was crying in the photo, how can you know this? I have had friends tell me that my new BF looks so much happier in his photos with me and looked miserable in the photos with his ex. I look at the photos and he looks exactly the same. I think people project and see what they want to see. Yes, he was miserable. People thought I was happy in my photos with my ex... except I was miserable. A picture of a moment in time doesnt say much. I think you are grasping at anything that can give you hope. You are free to do so, or doesnt affect any of us, but it keeps your anguish going. Best wishes. I hope soon you push this jerk aside. Always waiting for "tomorrow" is awful. I was being sarcastic actually. He didn’t look miserable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 14, 2019 Share Posted January 14, 2019 He holds qualities that no woman should want - much less marry him. I hope you’re getting past him and realizing what a complete jerk he actually is. Passive aggressive manipulator and liar that he is - who would want those qualities in any man? Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted January 15, 2019 Share Posted January 15, 2019 You gave some great advice in that other thread, LKK. How are you doing? I can’t believe he’s actually doing that trip to Hawaii. Truly ridiculous! Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted January 23, 2019 Author Share Posted January 23, 2019 He holds qualities that no woman should want - much less marry him. I hope you’re getting past him and realizing what a complete jerk he actually is. Passive aggressive manipulator and liar that he is - who would want those qualities in any man? You are correct. I wish I could say I'm getting past him. While I was away he continually messaged. He called and I was pretty cool when I did speak to him on occasion. He said all the right things. Until today (our 10 month mark) Hawaii hadn't even been booked, even though the hotel reservation is for the 30th. Now it is. He admits he didn't think about her, and he knew how I felt about it but the only thing he thought about was that he needed a vacation. That's it. What he needs. He's still adamant he is leaving her after the vacation. I'm the one he wants. Yeah right ... Jerk? Absolutely. I guess I played it through and now it's time to grab a brass set and move on. I've gotten past a lot but Hawaii is too big a pill to swallow. It really shows who he is. I guess I have been holding on to the kind, gentle man I thought I met and knew for the first 6-7 months. Where that guy went I haven't a clue. Seems like he was just a mirage. I know why I went down this path. I believed him when he said it was the same for him. I know I never lied to him. I didn't really lie to my ex either because I told him we were done and I intended to live my life as I see fit before he finally moved out and before I started an affair. It took 3 months of discussions and arguing before he finally left. Say what you will about me but I was a lot more honourable towards my ex, who deserved it less. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted January 23, 2019 Author Share Posted January 23, 2019 You gave some great advice in that other thread, LKK. How are you doing? I can’t believe he’s actually doing that trip to Hawaii. Truly ridiculous! Sadly, giving advice is easier than taking it when you're already in the deep end. Hawaii flights were booked today. Ridiculous is an understatement. I can't make any more excuses. I can't rationalize any more. How am I? I wish I could say good. The hope is truly gone and I have to feel the pain and feel it I do. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 23, 2019 Share Posted January 23, 2019 the only thing he thought about was that he needed a vacation. That's it. What he needs. I hope he enjoys his vacation and drinks lots of those fancy drinks with the little umbrellas in them... And, I hope that you don’t answer his calls when he gets back from his vacation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted January 23, 2019 Author Share Posted January 23, 2019 He doesn't drink so I doubt there will be any drunken excuses. I've given him every benefit of the doubt but I can't anymore. I have no tears right now. Just feeling very numb. Guess I got what I deserved. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 23, 2019 Share Posted January 23, 2019 Why not just cut off all means of hearing from him? This may be the time - you can take time to look after your best interest. He obviously isn’t offering you anything of value at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted January 23, 2019 Share Posted January 23, 2019 He doesn't drink so I doubt there will be any drunken excuses. I've given him every benefit of the doubt but I can't anymore. I have no tears right now. Just feeling very numb. Guess I got what I deserved. Hugs! I know many times people think that the posters here just wish for other's to fail in their affairs. But really, it is just that we can all see the writing on the wall (and it goes for the BSs, too, we don't give much hope). And we all know the hurt and the pain that comes with it. I'm really sorry you are here. We all hold out hope that we will be the one that survives all the odds, and it is so painful when we are not. I don't wish this on anyone. I hope you find the strength to get you through this soon. Remember, you have made it past ugly times before, surely, you will this one, too. Time, it's a great enemy but also a great friend. Chin up!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted January 29, 2019 Author Share Posted January 29, 2019 Thanks starswillshine. I’ve had decent days and not so good ones. Today is not so good. I have a major board presentation in the morning and I am struggling to concentrate on preparing. He’s leaving for Hawaii in the morning and it’s all I can think about. He still mostly insists when he gets back once he gets back he’ll be taking steps to end it although he has moments he has questions about how or if he’ll be able to. I know in my heart and head that it’s never going to happen. I know we have run our course. I know I don’t even like the person he’s been the last few months. I don’t want that man. I want the man I met and fell in love with but he likely doesn’t exist. I know I’ve rationalized my own choices as well is his. Why then am I still in bits and pieces? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 I want the man I met and fell in love with... He basically love bombed you for 6 months, albeit with a little help from yourself as you were very much open to being love bombed. He then went into the devalue phase. "You are the OW suck it up...","I NEED that holiday in Hawaii..." Next, I guess is the "discard" phase. Please do not stick around that long, for your own sanity Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 29, 2019 Share Posted January 29, 2019 I remember an abused wife posting here. "I waited 7 years for that lovely, kind caring man I met at the start to come back - he never showed up again..." The assumption is that "that lovely man" is the real him... It isn't. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 Thanks starswillshine. I’ve had decent days and not so good ones. Today is not so good. I have a major board presentation in the morning and I am struggling to concentrate on preparing. He’s leaving for Hawaii in the morning and it’s all I can think about. He still mostly insists when he gets back once he gets back he’ll be taking steps to end it although he has moments he has questions about how or if he’ll be able to. I know in my heart and head that it’s never going to happen. I know we have run our course. I know I don’t even like the person he’s been the last few months. I don’t want that man. I want the man I met and fell in love with but he likely doesn’t exist. I know I’ve rationalized my own choices as well is his. Why then am I still in bits and pieces? Even if he did exists, so does this man. That was what led me to leave my xWH. He was 90% amazing. Always said the right things, he did the rights things. But I knew that behind my back, he was capable of cheating, he was capable of lying to my face, he was capable of watching me break apart mentally and physically, promise me that he loved me and he was so sorry... and yet still continue the behavior. They are so good at telling us the great things and even doing a lot of things that make it seem worth it. But in the end, they have this side... this sides that rips us to shreds. You are in bits because you loved him. Because you believed in that future. Because you lived it in your head. Vecause you meant what you said. It is hard to fathom those who do not. It is hard to fathom a man you loved so deep would want to hurt you so badly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) This is true. My exH (we were together 27 years) was amazing in SO many ways.... and I was amazingly great to him too... But cheating on me? I couldn’t live with that thought - I wrestled with the thought “I deserve so much better than this” as well as “he could do this to me when everything has been amazing?” And I knew I couldn’t do it for one day further... some men just think they deserve MORE than their share of the pie...and will always try and get MORE. I wanted my integrity, my honor and my self respect...I would never have that by staying - so I divorced him 14 years ago. He still cries about what a mistake he made...he still doesn’t get that part - he didn’t make any mistake - he plotted and planned and did it deliberately... that’s the part that hurts so much - there I was being the perfect wife while he was making plans with another woman for 5 months. He’s a beautiful looking man - but man, I am revolted every time I have to look at him. I pity him - he will never know how to be happy with what’s in front of him - he always wants more, better. Some people are their own worst enemy. Edited January 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted January 30, 2019 Share Posted January 30, 2019 (edited) Same. And my xWH is like that in every aspect of his life. Never satisfied. Always chasing. I guess it made him successful in his career success in his athletic life, but what does he have to show for it now? He's a drunk who works nonstop and drowns his tears in his drink every night wishing he were different. I feel for him, I really do. Edited January 31, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 Boy time does fly. I commented on this thread back in October and have just caught up with it. I see he never came good on his word. No surprise there. He is not unhappy enough to leave Rosanne Barr.... ith all her poor housekeeping, frumpiness, sending him on errands, sitting on her a$$ all day and dressing like a tomboy. It can't be as bad as he makes out IMO. I think the way you got together is a big part of it. He was only ever looking for something extra. A supplement to his wife and not a replacement for her. I'm glad someone mentioned your daughter because I was going to. The decision to deceive children about their paternity never ends well. It comes out in the end and leaves them feeling like they don't know who they are. Suffering from identity crisis. A child has a right to know and not be lied to. You blame your Ex for this but you were complicit in the deceit and as her mother you should have acted in her best interests. It should never have got to her being an adult and still lied to. It sounds like you would have gone to your grave and said nothing. I know someone with a 12 year old and she's doing the same. It really annoys me...especially because the so called dad is abusive. I told the mum she should tell her the truth. I've read a couple of posts recently about the discovery of dad not being dad and the devastation it's caused. Anyway.... you're best leaving him in the rear view mirror and sorting yourself out. His existence in your life isn't helping you to heal from your marriage ending and move on healthily. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 Even if he did exists, so does this man. That was what led me to leave my xWH. He was 90% amazing. Always said the right things, he did the rights things. But I knew that behind my back, he was capable of cheating, he was capable of lying to my face, he was capable of watching me break apart mentally and physically, promise me that he loved me and he was so sorry... and yet still continue the behavior. They are so good at telling us the great things and even doing a lot of things that make it seem worth it. But in the end, they have this side... this sides that rips us to shreds. You are in bits because you loved him. Because you believed in that future. Because you lived it in your head. Vecause you meant what you said. It is hard to fathom those who do not. It is hard to fathom a man you loved so deep would want to hurt you so badly. Your post literally brought me to tears. It’s hard to believe someone you love so deeply can knowingly hurt you so badly and keep on doing it. It’s also hard to believe that someone who is 90% good can have 10% that is so vile. I’ve been trying to make sense of it and I can’t. I’ve realized trying to make sense of it is futile. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 (edited) Boy time does fly. I commented on this thread back in October and have just caught up with it. I see he never came good on his word. No surprise there. He is not unhappy enough to leave Rosanne Barr.... ith all her poor housekeeping, frumpiness, sending him on errands, sitting on her a$$ all day and dressing like a tomboy. <snip> You are right. He is not unhappy enough to leave meaning also that he doesn’t love me enough to not want a life without me. Neither of us wanted a replacement in the beginning and when that became a possibility, it was him who started the discussion, him who told his wife and him who got cold feet. I’ve tried to be patient, understanding and give him time but it hasn’t done any good. I’ve rationalized and tried to make sense of it all. I can’t. It is what it is. As for my daughter, I wanted to tell her many times. Unfortunately, I also believed it was a decision we made together so it was something we should tell her together. We could never reach agreement. When we disagreed, his approach was to threaten to leave or threaten self harm. I was trying to keep peace. Trying to hold the marriage together. The only time he seemed interested in the last few years was during fights, whether with her, me or both of us. That was the wrong time to discuss it. There is nothing I regret more, or feel more guilty about than the way she found out. I wish I had more courage and told her earlier rather than it coming out the way it did. That is something I can’t change and will always feel responsible for. Edited February 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Your post literally brought me to tears. It’s hard to believe someone you love so deeply can knowingly hurt you so badly and keep on doing it. It’s also hard to believe that someone who is 90% good can have 10% that is so vile. I’ve been trying to make sense of it and I can’t. I’ve realized trying to make sense of it is futile. You have no idea who he really is. You only know who he pretended to be. Are you still communicating with him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 He basically love bombed you for 6 months, albeit with a little help from yourself as you were very much open to being love bombed. He then went into the devalue phase. "You are the OW suck it up...","I NEED that holiday in Hawaii..." Next, I guess is the "discard" phase. Please do not stick around that long, for your own sanity He continues to message and has called several times from Hawaii. Between my trips, his and work commitments, we have essentially been out of communication for 6 weeks. I told him today I’m tired of the seeming indecision and that I will now focus on me, not him. I can’t do it anymore. I have to do what’s best for me. Waiting for crumbs and for empty promises to come to fruition is not best for me. I haven’t gone so far as to say to call me only when he is free. That is next, assuming I decide I even want that. There are behaviours emerging that remind me of my ex. I can’t do that again. And yet I’m still in pain. Oh well. I did it to myself by thinking of him first and ignoring me. It’s what I’ve always done and that’s why I am where I am. I wish there were a pain pill that would make this go away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 You have no idea who he really is. You only know who he pretended to be. Are you still communicating with him? He called today from Hawaii and I ended up hanging up on him. Don’t know if he’ll call or message again. Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 What made you hang up? I’m sorry for your pain. Seems like what he really wants is selfish: his own happiness without any drawback from dealing with other people’s feelings. He can’t leave because then he’d have his wife and his kids’ sadness and disappointment to deal with. But he doesn’t want to stay without having his piece of happiness (you) on the side making him feel better. Hence he’s on vacation with his wife, calling you. But the times when you’ve forced him to confront the fact that you, too, are a human with feelings and he’s letting you down - well, we’ve seen how he reacts. I’m glad you are starting to detach now. The pain is a sign that you are finally starting to mourn. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 What made you hang up? He can’t leave because then he’d have his wife and his kids’ sadness and disappointment to deal with. Oh, he can’t leave... he has clearly made his choice. He’s where he wants to be, let’s not pretend anything else. Why did she hang up... because he had the audacity to call her from a vacation that he chose to go with his family and try to tell her that somehow, he is the victim in this whole affair and he wants more... Good for you KitKat! You are finally starting to see the truth for what it is... I know it hurts, but this man is no different than your narcissistic ex-husband. You are far better without him in your life... hope today is a good day. Link to post Share on other sites
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