S2B Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 You should tell him you have a date on vday. Don’t give him ANY other info except to decline dinner and to tell him you have a date. He’s got some nerve asking you like that while he’s in Hawaii on vacation with his wife! Tell him not to call you until his divorce is final... he is gonna strong you along as long as you allow it - it feeds his ego - which is what he wants. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 You should tell him you have a date on vday. Don’t give him ANY other info except to decline dinner and to tell him you have a date. He’s got some nerve asking you like that while he’s in Hawaii on vacation with his wife! Tell him not to call you until his divorce is final... he is gonna strong you along as long as you allow it - it feeds his ego - which is what he wants. Yes. Of course. Lies and manipulation to counter the lies and manipulation. It all makes so much sense... I suppose it WOULD stick it to him, though. There will come a day when you can just move on. You can rest assured. Look forward to it! Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 I agree with those who say you are too invested in figuring out what he is doing and what is means. Acknowledge the fact that you are still harboring a kernel of hope that he will come back to you. That's the real reason that you haven't slammed the door shut. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 I wonder when I read your posts, where is your anger? I know you say that you have been angry with him, but seriously... if a man did this to me, I don’t care who he is or how much I once loved him, I would be tempted to do serious bodily injury... (metaphorically speaking, of course). You still put up with such crap from this man, and I wonder why you allow this. Living with a narcissist no doubt took its toll. What is considered unacceptable to normal people is tolerated. It is a feat of endurance living with a narcissist. Normal emotional reflexes and reactions are curbed and damped down and rationalised in order to survive. It is no surprise many OW put up with dreadful nonsense from MM as they have already been primed by past experiences. The MM just provides a level of drama and "abuse" that feels comfortable and "normal" to them... Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 This is your golden opportunity to end it now and walk away. It's not going to be easier once he is back and you have seen him. Right now you already have a tiny headstart on finding your way out of this because you haven't had any face to face contact with him for awhile. The moment you see him you will right back where you started. The only reason you haven't ended it is because you are holding out hope. You still think that maybe he really is going to leave her when be gets home, just like he says he will. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 ...The moment you see him you will right back where you started. The only reason you haven't ended it is because you are holding out hope. You still think that maybe he really is going to leave her when be gets home, just like he says he will. Agree 100% Hawaii was a definite dealbreaker, now it is all about wait and see what happens... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 It is still fairly new for Lilkat so he still needs to wrap it up in fancy words and promises, 2 years down the line he won't bother... he will go on holiday and Lilkat will just be expected to be happy about it... Anika, in the above post, and Elaine, quoted above, are spot on, in my opinion. I am one of the ones that found myself two years down the line when the MM didn't bother to dress anything up... it was his birthday and wedding anniversary in the same week and he disappeared from my life to celebrate with his wife. I didn't factor at all. And that was fine... ...because it was during this time of disappearance - two full years in - that I finally made the choice that I was finished. I had been talking about how badly it all hurt up to that point, but when I made the choice, I didn't say a word. I let him disappear. I didn't chase. When he came back around, as they all seemingly tend to do, he found that door closed with no answer. Above, Mark Clemson says that the day WILL come. It may take two years (you shouldn't let it though), but the day you feel indifferent WILL come. How much pain are you willing to endure in the meantime, I suppose, is the question? (Don't be like me.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 I know my heart is invested still which is why my head is constantly looking for affirmation it is right hence the LC vs NC. I'd rather do LC than threaten NC and not follow through. That would be worse. I am slowly working through it. My head is slowly winning but it is a process. It isn't that he's pulling away. Far from it. It's me looking for reasons to do so. . One of the best pieces of advice on here I've ever read is to let your head guide your way and the heart will eventually follow. Of course, I have yet to successfully follow that edict myself, but it's still great advice! One other point though, your heart is actually what feels the pain, guilt, jealousy, dissatisfaction, frustration,, etc., so to a certain extent it actually can be a helpful guide as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 Well I just got a weird text ... “hey darling please note my phone will not be safe for a while. Will message you later. “. Never had that before. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Well I just got a weird text ... “hey darling please note my phone will not be safe for a while. Will message you later. “. Never had that before. Text him. His wife’s probably using it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 Text him. His wife’s probably using it. Even though he said not to? He never lets her use his phone. I’m betting I know exactly what’s going on. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Even though he said not to? He never lets her use his phone. I’m betting I know exactly what’s going on. Well, he went to Hawaii. Going on a vacation with his wife even though YOU told him not to is worse than an “accidental” text. Oops. Her battery might be dead and she has no charger, they might be doing a day trip away from the hotel or something. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 Well, he went to Hawaii. Going on a vacation with his wife even though YOU told him not to is worse than an “accidental” text. Oops. Her battery might be dead and she has no charger, they might be doing a day trip away from the hotel or something. I doubt it’s that simple. He has refused to give her his phone in the past and it’s password protected. The only way she gets in is by him giving her the password. I’m thinking it’s more deliberate than that. If it’s deliberate then they are having a discussion that should have happened ages ago and if he’s sharing but still hiding, I can only imagine what that means. I sure hope he deleted FTime, iMessage and call logs as well as my contact numbers, pictures etc. because I sure as hell don’t want her having that. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Well, you have wanted to detach from him anyways. So if this is what’s happening, then your affair will be over sooner rather than later. Kind of like ripping off the band aid, rather than going LC and slowly transitioning into NC. Maybe it’s a godsend. You’ll get through this. Keep us posted. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 I doubt it’s that simple. He has refused to give her his phone in the past and it’s password protected. The only way she gets in is by him giving her the password. I’m thinking it’s more deliberate than that. If it’s deliberate then they are having a discussion that should have happened ages ago and if he’s sharing but still hiding, I can only imagine what that means. I sure hope he deleted FTime, iMessage and call logs as well as my contact numbers, pictures etc. because I sure as hell don’t want her having that. The best way for this woman not to read your messages is not to message secretly with her husband. This is a train wreck, and you seriously can’t distance yourself or look away... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Are they still in Hawaii? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 Are they still in Hawaii? Yes, until Sunday when they head back. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Are the kids with them? Unless they have had a huge argument or she has had accidental access to his phone, then it seems pretty bad timing to deliberately bring anything up. 4 days left of hell in Hawaii... Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Based on everything you've described it is highly unlikely that he is voluntarily telling her (or ever will tell her) about anything between you and him. His incentive is to maintain or get back to the status quo. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 Wait, he tells you not to text him because his phone will be unsafe.... and you automatically assume this means he is telling her? If he was telling her, then why would he need to hide? And if he is so weak that he supposedly needed to spend the money and the time for this wonderful Hawaii trip to prove to her that they cant make it... I doubt very seriously he would have the balls to try to tell her right here and now. And if he is telling her the truth about it and splitting up.... then he would tell her that nope, she doesnt need the phone. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 Wait, he tells you not to text him because his phone will be unsafe.... and you automatically assume this means he is telling her? If he was telling her, then why would he need to hide? And if he is so weak that he supposedly needed to spend the money and the time for this wonderful Hawaii trip to prove to her that they cant make it... I doubt very seriously he would have the balls to try to tell her right here and now. And if he is telling her the truth about it and splitting up.... then he would tell her that nope, she doesnt need the phone. I'm not assuming he's telling her. I am assuming she now has access to his phone for whatever reason. Maybe she found or saw something. I don't know. No, he wouldn't volunteer anything especially with Dick and Jane around. They're devout Catholics and Dick is his boss. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 8, 2019 Author Share Posted February 8, 2019 Are the kids with them? Unless they have had a huge argument or she has had accidental access to his phone, then it seems pretty bad timing to deliberately bring anything up. 4 days left of hell in Hawaii... No, the adult kids are at home looking after the dogs. And no, they won't even talk about it voluntarily at home. I doubt they would start that conversation in Hawaii. Which is why I wonder if she came across something accidentally. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 Sounds to me like he deletes everything you send to him so it was only anything new that would be seen by her if she had his phone. Hence the "My phone is not safe" type communication to warn you off from sending anything incriminating. Of course he may be just trying to prove to her that there is nothing going on. "Here's my phone, completely clean... " Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 LilKat the reason I thought you might be entertaining the idea that he was telling her about you was this statement you made above. "If it’s deliberate then they are having a discussion that should have happened ages ago." Did you mean something else by that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 8, 2019 Author Share Posted February 8, 2019 Sounds to me like he deletes everything you send to him so it was only anything new that would be seen by her if she had his phone. Hence the "My phone is not safe" type communication to warn you off from sending anything incriminating. Of course he may be just trying to prove to her that there is nothing going on. "Here's my phone, completely clean... " Here generally doesn't but he may have now that he's surrounded by her 24/7. Link to post Share on other sites
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