elaine567 Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 Yes he only ever uses my name when he’s angry or annoyed. Otherwise it’s darling or beautiful or princess or my ray of sunshine and most recently my gorgeous goddess. For an introvert who wasn’t ever a ladies man he sure knows how to pile it on. Yes it is all very endearing but it also stops him from calling you his wife's name inadvertently as that would land him in trouble with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 Ugh. This man just makes me so angry. Tells you not to text him or contact him (in a dressed up way of course but that is what he said) and gives no explanation. Leaves you on pins and needles... you have various range of emotions. You have no idea what is going on. And just a quick... hope you had a good evening. He has no care in the world what you might be going through. Your feelings didn't even seem to factor to him... just a quick cover his rear. Just like his wife's dont seem to factor in at all either. He just wants his cake and to eat it, too. Feeding the little bits to each woman to keep them around. Throwing you the V-day pity. Maybe they dont celebrate, maybe she has some meeting or event, maybe he told her he has to work. Who knows. (My xWH did actually work on VDAY evenings. Actually work, not working his OW.... though maybe intentional so she wouldnt get mad, too?) Though we didnt really celebrate it. It was more a celebration with our kids. But I have a few pictures of the kids and myself huddled at the table with no dad for Vday. Who knows, maybe he was with his various OW.... it was just easy for him to explain it away since his job was sometimes demanding. I know there have been many little things that you have heard or witnessed that might lead you to believe he is truthful, but look at all the big things, he truly isnt. He is a liar, a cheater, a manipulator. Maybe a psychopath. Charming.... lacks empathy. Hmmm.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 8, 2019 Author Share Posted February 8, 2019 Yes it is all very endearing but it also stops him from calling you his wife's name inadvertently as that would land him in trouble with you. Interesting take ... never thought of that. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 It also stops your actual name being uppermost in his thoughts too so he doesn't call his wife by your name either. If he messes up and calls her darling or beautiful or princess or my ray of sunshine or my gorgeous goddess, then no harm done Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 This thread is so interesting to me, because my mm has been in an admittedly happy marriage from day 1. So I have always endured the happy vacation pictures, the limited contact during those times, etc. It does make me jealous, but do you know why I tolerate it -- because it is what I signed up for! I also tell myself that he and his wife 100% have the right to be enjoying themselves together, to have a good sex life, etc. Now, granted I am an absolute fool with no self-esteem for tolerating this (though I justify it by being married myself and going on seemingly normal family vacations all the time). And I also will grant you that he completely misled you to believe that this is NOT what you were signing up for. But now you have seen the light, and are starting to understand the situation for what it is -- that you are an extra, a side-piece (and yes, I do hate that term, but it's what we are after all). So, you have 2 choices, develop a thicker skin and learn to detach (which will only lead you down the path of true misery that I have walked, and let me tell you it doesn't get any easier. Or, if you can't stand the heat, get out of the kitchen. Because it's never going to change. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 He can only treat you this way if YOU are a WILLING participant. Stop participating. Then you will see how good life can be... once you get past the disappointment (and reality) that’s he’s not who you thought he was. Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 He needed to offer no explanation. The picture of them on the beach, smiling with his arm around her says it all. There it is. Finally my confirmation. Confirmation of what I already knew but he denied and I tried to deny to myself. Sucks to be me ... Oh just ugh... i am so sorry LKK. I know how painful this must be Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 “He needed a vacation and he wanted her to see just how loveless and lifeless the marriage is and then she wouldn’t resist the separation so much.” So, according to what you’ve posted Hawaii man wants a divorce. However, it appears it will take his wife wanting it more than he does before it happens. *puke* Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 (edited) He can only treat you this way if YOU are a WILLING participant. Stop participating. Indeed. At this point, both you and his wife know exactly who this guy really is... At this point, neither one of you are victims... you are both volunteers because you both chose to stay with this goof! I’m curious Kat, how many people do you need in this discussion to tell you that he’s a no good, do nothing man before you decide to make a decision and cut him loose... Edited February 8, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
PinkPampies Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 Means the most simple explanation is the most true. He’s in Hawaii with his wife because he wants to be. The convoluted explanation of taking a trip to Hawaii to show your wife how lifeless the marriage is beyond ridiculous. Definition of insanity: repeating the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Get off the crazy train, girl. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 I have followed this thread and I have to agree with posters who say that you are hopeful still and as a result, lying to yourself and/or too willing to believe his lies. However, I will point out that each and every one of us does this. I just did it myself when I tried on a pair of last year’s pants that are too tight. I told myself that the pair I wore yesterday weren’t and the extra five pounds on the scale is only because I am a little constipated. Is some of it true? Sure. Most of it, unfortunately, is my wishful thinking. So, while what you are doing is natural, LKK, it’s also a little self-harming for you because this is your heart in play. Here’s what I think you should remind yourself periodically, just as a reality check: 1) He said he needed a vacation and this would prove to his wife the romance is gone. The truth? Going on vacation with your wife - particularly a two-seeker to Hawaii - is a big trip and likely expensive. They were likely going on a trip and he half-truthed himself to you. 2) He says don’t text and then shows up hours later with nice words. Truth? They were probably planning on spending the day together and his cell phone would be either a) vulnerable to inspection or b) he had promised her he wouldn’t be checking it and it was their day, distraction free. 3) The picture of them smiling with his arm around her. He will tell you it was only for a second and they had to because “Jane” was there. Truth? If there was a strain in their marriage, neither of them would have spent the day together and they wouldn’t want to be photographed arm-in-arm. It also would t be important to “keep up appearances” if he had every intention of separating. In fact, it would be downright cruel to act as if he was engaged and then come home to leave. 4) Finally, Valentine’s Day? This was likely their V-Day trip so it doesn’t matter if they don’t do anything for it. LKK, you want to believe and you’ve been wanting to believe since October. But at some point, your sense of self preservation has to kick in. He is not going to protect you or protect your heart and soul. Only you can do that. And, I really think you should consider no contact. Your head is so rigged up with his messages right now that you can’t make clear decisions. Believe me, if he REALLY wants a life with you, he will work his butt off to find you and get you back the right way. Aren’t you worth fighting for? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 Because he KNOWS you’re gonna be angry he went on vacation - when he gets back he will ask to take you out for Valentine’s Day - or get you a gift. Which will ONLY represent MORE manipulation on his part because he wants to make sure you’re still speaking to him. This is for HIS benefit, not yours. You see.. he will mainly need to only send a text a few times a day and “try” to see you once every few months to make sure he gets his ego fed...which keeps you hanging around. That way he doesn’t have to from a new OW to feed his big fat ego! It’s a LOT of work grooming a new gal - you gotta contact her ALL the time, pay attention to what she says - buy her gifts and take her out... it’s exhausting! Why would he go to all that trouble when you’re still willing to provide him with the attention he’s seeking? It serves him well while you are empty handed. He’s offering you nothing...except lies and manipulation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 Speak with a therapist about your abandonment situation from when you were a toddler - you are repeating that pattern as an adult. He has already abandoned you - he’s just unwilling to tell you. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 Think about it... he’s been in Hawaii for the week with his wife and their friends. He is exactly where he chooses to be. This isn’t a guy who’s leaving his wife. He’s cruel - he even told you so you put your approval stamp on him going. He’s very sneaky. He’s hadyou believing him - but you need to show him with action that you just don’t believe him anymore! He can find someone else to lie to... don’t let it be you! Think about it - you COULD BE having an available man taking YOU OUT this weekend! If you would only create the vacancy for that man to treat you RIGHT - he would show up for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 He has already abandoned you - he’s just unwilling to tell you. I explained this concept to xMM, too, except I used the word "rejected." In the beginning, he told me that he was getting divorced and thus pursued me. I believed that and ran with it, drawing sand castles in the sky. At some point during the affair, he completely changed his mind and decided to remain married. Maybe he never intended to divorce, which is highly likely. He never told me. I had to figure it out on my own. More interestingly, he let me stew in my own thoughts and allowed me to draw my own conclusions, and in this way, he cruelly took advantage of that situation. But I digress. I told him that he had already rejected me from the very beginning by pursuing me while married, showing me what he really thought of me as a romantic prospect and person. He had rejected me by choosing to go home to his BW every day after wasting my time and my effort. So, really, he had ended the affair... he just didn't tell me about it. I had to figure it out myself. When I took action to stop responding to a MM who repeatedly rejected me, he felt utterly betrayed by that... and I felt guilty for "hurting" him... for a while anyway. LilKat, I have written these words so that you can understand that you are not the first and won't be the last other woman. You are slowly coming to a realization that this man does NOT have your best interests at heart. He is willing to use you up, blocking your chances of having the respect and romance you deserve, and he may very well feel that he is within his rights to do so because you haven't told him to go away. He is taking care of his needs and wants at others' expense (this is entitlement). He is expecting that you are doing the same. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 10, 2019 Author Share Posted February 10, 2019 I've been such a mess today. Even more right now. He just called. He's sorry he put me through the agony of this trip. He always had clarity about me and us. He just needed clarity about whether he could tolerate life with her. He says there's no connection there and he can't see doing it the rest of his life. They leave tomorrow and he can't wait to see me. God help me. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 This is a hell of your own creation... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 Just remember. - it’s a Ferris wheel, a roller coaster that goes round and round, a vicious cycle of ups and downs, wash, rinse, repeat. There is never progress. Just a predictable loop. Take it for what it is or get off the ride. (Wish I could tell you how though because I have yet to figure that out!) Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 If you're on a Ferris Wheel, you can wait until you're at the lowest point to the ground and then you JUMP OFF the ride. It's gonna hurt, but most treated wounds heal. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 If you're on a Ferris Wheel, you can wait until you're at the lowest point to the ground and then you JUMP OFF the ride. It's gonna hurt, but most treated wounds heal. Haha good point. I can’t f-ing stand Ferris wheels in real life! I always thought that was the best analogy because just when you think things are going well (up) it starts to curve down again, and just when you think things are down (bad), it starts to get better (up) again. I believe LiliKat is soon to be on the “upward” part of the ride again Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 10, 2019 Author Share Posted February 10, 2019 Haha good point. I can’t f-ing stand Ferris wheels in real life! I always thought that was the best analogy because just when you think things are going well (up) it starts to curve down again, and just when you think things are down (bad), it starts to get better (up) again. I believe LiliKat is soon to be on the “upward” part of the ride again I don't know if I dare the upward ride. I am at my lowest right now. The truth is that until July, I was in my own drama with my x. He was there supporting me every step of the way. It was only in August that he started to talk about us in a forever sense. In mid September, she gave him an opening and he took it, without planning or thought beforehand. I think he thought it would be easier but she put up a fight. And then birthdays and holidays made him more unsure about whether it was so unbearable. Never any doubt about me. Only doubt about whether their ship was really sinking. Many have speculated as to whether he really told her he wanted a divorce but I know he did as I heard about a minute of her ranting about how she means nothing to him so he doesn't even want to try to save the marriage. He didn't hang up from a call with me so I finally did. I also heard him tell both the kids he wasn't happy and didn't think he could stay in the marriage. So he wasn't just telling me tales. He has done everything to send a message he wanted out, like spending the night with me on her birthday in October. I don't even know how he started spending weekends with me. It wasn't planned the first time. After we broke up for 2 days in early October he stayed the night and it became a regular occurrence. She didn't like it obviously but tolerated it with no questions asked apparently. If they did argue about it, that didn't stop him. I told him how I felt Hawaii was a bad idea but he said it was something he had to do. I think if he does actually leave she will be royally pi$$ed as she likely saw the vacation as more of a way to reconnect rather than the reconfirmation of a dead marriage as he says he saw it as. It's been the worst 12 days ever. Since our birthdays in November I have been detaching and pushing him away. No matter how I push, he sticks around. I've had several fights with him over text and voice since his vacation began. Hasn't stopped him from calling and messaging. Tonight just pushed me over the edge. It was a bad day to begin with as I was bracing myself to end it. I can end it and wonder "what if" or put myself through more pain. Hell of a choice. Everyone says once a cheater, always a cheater. But I cheat too, technically speaking. In reality, I had a marriage in name only for many years so I don't really feel like I cheated. I thought the same was true for him. That's what he's always said. I know I'm going to get lambasted but I am truly confused. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 I know a way for you to get some clarity -- tell him to call you when they have separated. I know that this is easier said than done. But you are spinning your wheels, and there are literally pages and pages on this thread trying to dissect his every move, analyze how the vacation went, figure out what his intent is etc. Hell, I feel like even *I* was on that vacation with them. Bottom line, he may be as confused as he says he is, as wishy-washy as he appears, a duplicitous liar, or anywhere in between. But you are spending WAY to much time trying to get an answer to what is inside his head when really the only thing to go by is his actions. And, if you are truly "meant to be together", if he truly is on the verge of leaving her because his marriage is dead, your detaching from him in the short run may actually provide answers. He basically needs to know that it's time to ___ or get off the pot. Just be prepared that the result may not be what you want, but at least then you'll know. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 I don’t really see him abandoning you completely. I think he does minimal effort to make sure you don’t go completely away but also so you don’t expect much from him. He’s not letting go - because it’s easier to keep stringing you along with his lies than to go search out a new willing OW. His laziness is motivating him to continue being cruel to you. This guy is selfish. His needs are first. That NEVER makes for a wonderful partner. You need a man who puts you first... even above his own needs - that’s true love. But he definitely set you up high on the shelf now - and only occasionally takes you off the shelf when it’s concerning for HIM! Heck, he doesn’t even play with you anymore - he just wants to know his little toy is still sitting there for his convenience when he is in the mood to play with you. It’s gross! But that’s truly what he’s doing to you because you keep allowing it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 10, 2019 Author Share Posted February 10, 2019 (edited) I know a way for you to get some clarity -- tell him to call you when they have separated. And that's why this is so upsetting. Because even though he has confirmed for himself that the ship has sunk, he still may not abandon it. He may try, as he did in September but end up staying because of "guilt and obligation " - his words, not tonight, but in the past. Edited February 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 They leave tomorrow and he can't wait to see me. God help me. Of course he can't wait to see you, you are going to fall into his arms sobbing with relief, covering him with kisses and he is going to get a huge ego boost. But that means absolutely nothing as regards the situation with his wife... That merely confirms to him, that despite disrespecting you so badly by blatantly going on a "love" trip with his wife, you will still be there waiting patiently for him... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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