S2B Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 My definition of recommitting means no third party. He has refused to do this so I guess I have to. I went on plenty of vacations with the ex and it meant nothing. I had a vacation planned for September with the ex but it was only his actions with our daughter that put an end to that plan. Likewise this Hawaii plan was in the works before we even met. Just the flights hadn’t been confirmed. I’m not saying he hasn’t recommitted, just that it’s pretty shallow while he still is involved in an affair. “It’s” not pretty shallow - HE is pretty shallow. Just needed to clarify that. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkPampies Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 We would just hate to see you come back here month after month unwittingly making excuses for his indecisiveness. Read through all the ow/om threads... if you allow it, he’ll drag it on indefinitely. 99% of the time, married men In an affair do not want to get divorced and leave their comforts, and do not want what they have either to end with the ow. They want the status quo. Cake. Sadly, it will stay like this until you put a stop to it. And not going nc will indeed drag your pain out indefinitely. We’ve all been there. And we are trying to get you to avoid indefinite hurt. So many threads of posters saying they should have listened to us at LS.. you’re not being wise about this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 “. . .but he really doesn't want to recommit to his marriage it seems.” Nor, has he “committed to you, or anything else.” Same, same. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 “. . .but he really doesn't want to recommit to his marriage it seems.” Nor, has he “committed to you, or anything else.” Same, same. Nope. He’s committed to no one but himself. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Be ready... he’s back now and will need to convince you to “fall in line”. He will work to get you back in your position he loves - Valentine’s Day is coming too - so he will likely lay it on thick this week. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Did he ask to see you for Valentines Day? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) Did he ask to see you for Valentines Day? He texted as soon as his flight landed, texted while he was waiting for his luggage, called as soon as he got to his car at long term parking, texted while driving home and called again when he went to bed. We both got out early today due to bad weather and he drove all the way down to have coffee. And yes, he wants to see me on Thursday. He’s definitely not giving up. My daughter is here for the week so I didn’t want to get into anything in front of her. Edited February 13, 2019 by LilKatKat Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 You’re going to see him before he files for divorce? Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 It’s now mid-February. Post-Hawaii. You’ve blown past all your previous deadlines and internal ultimatums...what standards do you have left for yourself? What’s sad is you seem pleased as you detail all his “efforts” to connect with you after vacation. He’s trained you to settle for what he can give in the interstices of his real life. This is what he wants: you there, waiting for him, waiting to make his life more bearable when he “needs a vacation” from his obligations. It’s a sad life for him, his wife and most certainly for you. And let me not even get into what kind of presence he would be in your daughter’s life...even assuming a parallel universe in which he left his family. Your daughter really deserves better than this invertebrate after all she’s been through. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 You’re going to see him before he files for divorce? She already has and sounds like they have V-day plans.. She gives all the excuses for him... look at all these things he has done. I guess if that is all she needs, that is all she needs. I'm afraid she'll be here for awhile. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 You have indeed blown through all of your “deadlines.” They were pretty meaningless. You have talked at length about how difficult the last few weeks have been while he was on holiday with his wife in Hawaii... and yet, the moment he lands you run right into his arms... or rather, straight out for coffee... You say that you are trying to make your peace with the fact that he is not going to be the one to end this, that you will have to make the decision. I wonder why you ever thought he would do the right thing by either you, or his family. He certainly hasn’t done so this far. It’s kind of ridiculous for you to expect him to do anything differently now... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 My hope for you and your best interest is that you are meeting with him to let him understand it’s over. Anything less is just him knowing that you will keep setting that bar lower and lower with no healthy boundary for yourself. It’s obvious he’s got the idea you will stay no matter what... I hope you teach him different. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 The limited contact while they are on vacation followed by a deluge of messages when they get back is classic compartmentalization. My mm does this every time he goes on vacation with his wife. Just so you know. It’s playing out according to script. There’s nothing remarkable here. Link to post Share on other sites
PinkPampies Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 Op just a reminder... It’s been four months since you first posted in October. It won’t change because you keep making excuses for him. Just accept this is your life as you have chosen and accept your role as the other woman. That would be best for everyone, it seems. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 13, 2019 Share Posted February 13, 2019 (edited) Back to the OW role now... you’ve now signed up to be a true OW. Back then you thought he was leaving the marriage - but now you know he isn’t. And you’ve rewarded his behavior... by agreeing to see him. You’re now training him to treat you with even MORE disregard. Yes, YOU are doing this to YOURSELF at this point. Work with a professional on your lack of boundaries... and the way you move the boundary to please him, knowing that it crosses/lowers your expectations for yourself. Edited February 13, 2019 by S2B 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 My heart bleeds for you!! I know just how trapped and how infatuated you are with him. I am in recovery for 6 months now. You amd only you will know when you have had enough!! You will be sick and tired of the OW role, u will be continuously disappointed with his lack of empathy for how you are suffering, the lows will become greater than the highs. You will mentally and pshycially hit rock bottom!!! Save yourself now!! This is not love not matter what he tells you. Can he be by your side for the important stuff?? Keep going over the situations that are meaningful in your head.. you will get there. The pain is the worst pain you will ever feel. Trust me!! Once you get past the exhaustion of being in pain and walking through it you will start to heal. I'm 6 months out and it still lingers but not like before. Listen to the ones in the same exact situation as you!!! Watch "Dirty John" on Netflix you can see the actions of a serial liar. They r great at manipulation. You deserve better than this!! You deserve someone to move mountains for you!! You are wasting precious time!!! I'm here for you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 You know, in AA, when people drop off of the radar and stop going to meetings, it is usually thought that they are "back in their disease", i.e., they have fallen off the wagon and are back drinking again. I see a similar dynamic on loveshack all the time, and I am certainly guilty of it myself. We only come here and post, ask advice, etc., during the lows. Because that's when we are desperate and need support/ are doing anything to try to lessen the pain. When somebody stops posting, it's usually because they have "re-engaged" with the mm and either think they don't need this forum for the time-being and/or feel too guilty or disappointed in themselves to post. I've often wondered whether the trick might actually be to keep coming back here and reading and posting when things are going well. Because it's easy to want to end things when they are bad, but we need to not break that chain during the "high" part of the cycle either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 15, 2019 Author Share Posted February 15, 2019 My heart bleeds for you!! I know just how trapped and how infatuated you are with him. I am in recovery for 6 months now. You amd only you will know when you have had enough!! You will be sick and tired of the OW role, u will be continuously disappointed with his lack of empathy for how you are suffering, the lows will become greater than the highs. You will mentally and pshycially hit rock bottom!!! Save yourself now!! This is not love not matter what he tells you. Can he be by your side for the important stuff?? Keep going over the situations that are meaningful in your head.. you will get there. The pain is the worst pain you will ever feel. Trust me!! Once you get past the exhaustion of being in pain and walking through it you will start to heal. I'm 6 months out and it still lingers but not like before. Listen to the ones in the same exact situation as you!!! Watch "Dirty John" on Netflix you can see the actions of a serial liar. They r great at manipulation. You deserve better than this!! You deserve someone to move mountains for you!! You are wasting precious time!!! I'm here for you! Thank you NW. I've said to him before if he is lying to me, he appears so genuine he should win an oscar! I generally have a pretty good BS meter and it hasn't gone off with him in almost a year. I have been focussing on that and the fact that he told his wife he doesn't love her, even just a few weeks ago. I know this to be a fact because I actually saw the text. I heard him tell his kids he didn't believe he could stay in the marriage. Why would you do that if it wasn't how you felt? Why put your family through that. Now I am focussing on me. I've been doing A LOT of self reflection. It's more about what is going on in my own head. What do I want? I wanted the affair in the beginning because I thought it would help me survive my marriage but my marriage is done now. So the purpose for the affair no longer exists. I have a session with my psychologist in the morning. So much to talk about. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 15, 2019 Author Share Posted February 15, 2019 You know, in AA, when people drop off of the radar and stop going to meetings, it is usually thought that they are "back in their disease", i.e., they have fallen off the wagon and are back drinking again. I see a similar dynamic on loveshack all the time, and I am certainly guilty of it myself. We only come here and post, ask advice, etc., during the lows. Because that's when we are desperate and need support/ are doing anything to try to lessen the pain. When somebody stops posting, it's usually because they have "re-engaged" with the mm and either think they don't need this forum for the time-being and/or feel too guilty or disappointed in themselves to post. I've often wondered whether the trick might actually be to keep coming back here and reading and posting when things are going well. Because it's easy to want to end things when they are bad, but we need to not break that chain during the "high" part of the cycle either. You are not entirely wrong. Except at the moment I am neither high nor low. Maybe I'm in denial or possibly shock. It was an evening of revelations I'm trying to process. Trying to take everything in and understand it. I do know I am very calm. No anxiety. Just calm. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 I hope you’re ok KitKat. Hugs Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted February 15, 2019 Author Share Posted February 15, 2019 I hope you’re ok KitKat. Hugs Honestly I don't know how/what I am. So much has been said in the last few days. Lots of talk about the vacation and what did and didn't happen. What's going on in his head. Still trying to understand what it all means. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 Honestly I don't know how/what I am. So much has been said in the last few days. Lots of talk about the vacation and what did and didn't happen. What's going on in his head. Still trying to understand what it all means. I’d say for your best interest... hear his words with very little merit/weight. They are just words... what action has he taken to make his situation completely different? If he hasn’t moved and filed for divorce - I’m afraid it’s just empty promises. I’m hopeful he’s taken action - for your sake. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 The Sunk Cost Fallacy The Misconception: You make rational decisions based on the future value of objects, investments and experiences. The Truth: Your decisions are tainted by the emotional investments you accumulate, and the more you invest in something the harder it becomes to abandon it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 (edited) This really breaks my heart. You are definitely back in your disease. Edited February 15, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 Ok, Kat, so he said those things. And you have "proof". So what? What has he done about it? The people who believe they have a great BS detector seems to be the ones who get burned the best. So did my xWH's OW. She also was one to say she couldnt poke holes in any of his stories. It is sad because the way he always talked about her, I'm surprised he was able to perform her. Obviously, he had some attraction to her or he wouldnt have been with her; however, how incredibly disrespectful to talk so ill about her. Your ego is getting in the way of rational though. Kat, he is a HUGE liar. Even if you have "proof" of these things, what has he done about it? You are just making it easier for him to stay in both relationships. Which is just perfect for him. You have determined that it is ok for him to disrespectful you, so IF he does leave... he can find someone else to be his side chick. He is asking up to Rosanne Barr every morning, not you. And you continue to allow it. If this is what you allow, this is what you get, and it is time to stop fighting it and just accept it for what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
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