Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[PhoenixRising8]

MM want what the OW give them. Very seldom do they actually care about the OW's feelings. What you say to them holds very little weight, so slinging hateful words doesnt pack any punch. They are using you for whatever benefit to them. It is why we see over and over how they come back. They know the OW is mad, but often times the OW has been mad before, and she usually sticks around. They know they can make you mad, give you some space, and when they reach out, you'll be right back to where you were a few weeks before. It is no sweat to them because while you were mad and hurting at home, this allows them some stress free time with their wives.

 

MM know how to play people's emotions. Master manipulators. They are not good people..

 

If he didn't notice the change in my demeanour the last few months he hasn't been paying attention. I adored him and did everything to make him happy. Lately I have been honest and pushed hard. I didn't care about keeping the peace. I went so far as to tell him he was despicable for using and leading on someone who was vulnerable. So unless he is entirely oblivious, he will not reach out.

[Aloha123]

Wow, LiliKat, I think you surprised us almost as much as you surprised him!

Good for you. FWIW, I've found great inspiration in your posts and from all of the tough love and advice you've received.

I am 7 days NC myself, which is longer than I ever would have thought possible. Though I have to warn you the first 2 days I was on a little bit of a "high" from it and then it got much harder

Anyway, I HIGHLY recommend that you read the book The No Contact Rule by Natalie Lue and the Art of No Contact by Leslie Braswell.

Also, there is a very good break-up app called Mend.

[NotADayGoesBy]

I'm sorry you weren't the exception like you had believed. Better to know now than waste more of your precious life with him, since the end result would have been the same. Wishing you a happier, new life.

[Starswillshine]

Good Kat, hold onto that anger. What he did to you and what he is doing to his wife is horrible. People like this dont deserve to be treated with empathy and kindness. They surely do not do the same, they are only skilled actors in this department.

 

You do not deserve this, you do not deserve to wait around on some man who doesnt have the integrity to do the right thing, only the right thing for himself.

[S2B]

I’m proud of you!

 

 

 

And now you know he didn’t intend to leave her. You have evidence he KNOWS he is a weak coward who uses women for HIS pleasure.

 

Selfish he is.

Edited February 25, 2019 by S2B

[PhoenixRising8]

I’m proud of you!

 

 

 

And now you know he didn’t intend to leave her. You have evidence he KNOWS he is a weak coward who uses women for HIS pleasure.

 

Selfish he is.

 

Yes all true. And now I am sick to my stomach knowing I enabled him to be cruel to both of us. I’m sick to my stomach knowing I ignored the warning signs in the last few months, choosing instead to believe in him. It’s like I learned nothing from my experience with my ex. There were plenty of warning signs which I overlooked and then lived to regret it. For an intelligent person, I’m very stupid.

[Aloha123]

Yes all true. And now I am sick to my stomach knowing I enabled him to be cruel to both of us. I’m sick to my stomach knowing I ignored the warning signs in the last few months, choosing instead to believe in him. It’s like I learned nothing from my experience with my ex. There were plenty of warning signs which I overlooked and then lived to regret it. For an intelligent person, I’m very stupid.

 

Don't beat yourself up too much -- you were in a very vulnerable position.

[S2B]

Don't beat yourself up too much -- you were in a very vulnerable position.

 

And this is exactly what you can work on - FOR YOURSELF!

 

It’s true... predators PREY upon the vulnerable ones.

 

Can you see your therapist to work on not being so vulnerable in the future?

 

You can learn from this...And then help others too!

[PhoenixRising8]

And this is exactly what you can work on - FOR YOURSELF!

 

It’s true... predators PREY upon the vulnerable ones.

 

Can you see your therapist to work on not being so vulnerable in the future?

 

You can learn from this...And then help others too!

 

How does someone who is so sweet, gentle, loving and supportive turn into such a predator? I don't get it.

[Starswillshine]

How does someone who is so sweet, gentle, loving and supportive turn into such a predator? I don't get it.

 

They were always a predator. It is an act. It is always an act.

[S2B]

How does someone who is so sweet, gentle, loving and supportive turn into such a predator? I don't get it.

 

That’s why I believe he’s done this before... they are skilled.

 

He’s is a master at becoming that person that you need at that time = to get what HE wants.

 

He’s a chameleon!

 

You actually have NO idea who he really is.

Edited February 26, 2019 by S2B

[BaileyB]

They were always a predator. It is an act. It is always an act.

 

Indeed, it was an act. And then, you didn’t really want to see the truth.

 

But, you see the truth now. You have surprised us all, and we are all really proud of you. You are a strong woman. You will get through this and you will grow even smarter, and even stronger. Your daughter will be so proud.

[S2B]

And take some time to make effort to be kind and gentle to yourself each day.

 

Reward yourself for breaking the cycle you were caught up in.

[Starswillshine]

And take some time to make effort to be kind and gentle to yourself each day.

 

Reward yourself for breaking the cycle you were caught up in.

 

Indeed. Kate, you are not dumb. You are not a horrible person. You are not a failure. He is just a horrible person. And skilled at it. Dont beat yourself up over this. You were vulnerable. And at that state, likely not thinking very clearly.

 

Work on healing those emotional wounds.

[PhoenixRising8]

Wow, LiliKat, I think you surprised us almost as much as you surprised him!

Good for you. FWIW, I've found great inspiration in your posts and from all of the tough love and advice you've received.

I am 7 days NC myself, which is longer than I ever would have thought possible. Though I have to warn you the first 2 days I was on a little bit of a "high" from it and then it got much harder

Anyway, I HIGHLY recommend that you read the book The No Contact Rule by Natalie Lue and the Art of No Contact by Leslie Braswell.

Also, there is a very good break-up app called Mend.

 

Really not sure why everyone is so surprised I finally got to the finish line. I've been working up to it for weeks and weeks. I haven't done it the NC way. Ive worked up to it slowly. I've been focusing on the negatives which started in earnest during my birthday weekend, the details of which I didn't provide. It was hurtful and the first thing I could really point to that said this is not how I want to be treated. Up until then, although he hadn't left, he had done everything for me and everything to distance himself from her, like her birthday, like the overnights, telling the kids. No way I thought he was staying. I thought he just needed to work through some guilt feelings like I did. But after mid November I noticed a change. Fewer messages, shorter calls, less time together. Not a lot of less time but less in any case.

 

I did get some renewed hope when I came back in mid January but that was short lived. There were a couple of other things that happened that really made me ponder but on his return from Hawaii, he was right back to love bombing. He said Hawaii gave him clarity about just how dead the marriage was. No doubt about that whatsoever and he just needed to get a few things sorted out at home. VDay he spent with me but it didn't end on a satisfactory note for me. Again, no details needed, suffice to say I wondered why I was doing this to myself. And then he started to disappoint me in order to appease her. If you have clarity it isn't her, why do things that will allay her concerns? Finally, after much back and forth, he lets something slip and I finally get him to admit he likely isn't leaving. At least he finally spoke truth.

 

It isn't him I'm going to miss. At least not the version I've known last 3 months. My anger is at myself, my judgement and naïveté. I'm glad you found inspiration from my posts and thread. It isn't the sort of inspiration I'd ever hoped to be but if it helps just one person, then I'm glad about that. Keep posting and stay strong. Be stronger than I feel I am now. I just feel sick. I wish I could cry and get it out but I can't seem to.

[elaine567]

Really not sure why everyone is so surprised I finally got to the finish line.

Because truth is whilst the MM rarely leaves, the OW also rarely gives up hope. She sticks in there like glue, mesmerisd by things that tell her "This is true love and true love always wins in the end..."

Many need metaphorically smacked in the face, before they finally realise there will be no happy ending.

I see one MM posted here that he literally threw his sobbing OW out of his car and drove off leaving her in the dust... I think she got the message...

 

I am glad you have got clear, but keeping clear is the next hurdle.

Stay focussed.

[PhoenixRising8]

Because truth is whilst the MM rarely leaves, the OW also rarely gives up hope. She sticks in there like glue, mesmerisd by things that tell her "This is true love and true love always wins in the end..."

Many need metaphorically smacked in the face, before they finally realise there will be no happy ending.

I see one MM posted here that he literally threw his sobbing OW out of his car and drove off leaving her in the dust... I think she got the message...

 

I am glad you have got clear, but keeping clear is the next hurdle.

Stay focussed.

 

I've been giving up hope since November. I suppose it just sounded hollow, but I was. And I did it differently so I guess it makes sense.

 

Today I feel like exploding. I feel angry. I feel stupid. I wonder why every person in my life ever has disappointed me and then discarded me. I wonder why he kept the charade up because he knew my background. I wonder what the point of trying another relationship is because clearly my judgement sucks and I'll likely just end up with more of the same.

[elaine567]

I wonder what the point of trying another relationship is because clearly my judgement sucks and I'll likely just end up with more of the same.

 

Not necessarily.

You staggered out of a bad marriage and grabbed the first apparently decent guy who showed you any attention. It is not surprising it is normal to seek comfort where you can get it.

You thought you could handle the affair as it was obvious to you, he would eventually leave his wife, you were naive and unskilled in the ways of extramarital sex/MM/affairs.

Your judgement was clouded and you chose the wrong man.

Next time you will choose better.

[Snipercatt]

Broken attracks broken.

 

Based on your posts, you have deep healing to do. Focus on that. In time prepare a list of compatible characteristics you are looking for in a man. ie) Not 18 years senior, similar levels of intelligence, single, not conflict avoidant, etc.

 

It will be a process of elimination. Don’t settle - you’ve done that twice.

[Abetterme]

@Kat - The anger is good, but please extend yourself some kindness like you would if this was happening to your daughter for example. You’ve finally taken the right step. Don’t think about future relationships. You were vulnerable and got into the wrong situation. Focus on what makes you happy - and only you. It’s time to focus on your own needs.

 

In my past marriage I was actually a BS. In working with my therapist now, I believe I moved into another relationship too quickly. Fortunately for me it was a healthy, single, wonderful man - my now husband. I don’t think I properly grieved or processed what happened with my first husband and I have managed to repeat a terrible situation with my infidelity. Take solace in the ability to finally focus on yourself and your daughter and doing things for your own health. Thinking of you...keep going!

[S2B]

I’m hoping you’re being strong.

 

Expect within a short while MORE love bombs from him and MORE empty promises that are lies.

 

Because he’s lazy he will swallow his pride and try and get you to come back... to stay in the OW position.

 

 

I’m not saying you would go for it at this stage... but expect it so he doesn’t catch you off guard.

 

 

Unless his divorce is FINAL - it’s only a ploy to have you be his OW.

 

Stay strong KitKat.

[PhoenixRising8]

I’m hoping you’re being strong.

 

Expect within a short while MORE love bombs from him and MORE empty promises that are lies.

 

Because he’s lazy he will swallow his pride and try and get you to come back... to stay in the OW position.

 

 

I’m not saying you would go for it at this stage... but expect it so he doesn’t catch you off guard.

 

 

Unless his divorce is FINAL - it’s only a ploy to have you be his OW.

 

Stay strong KitKat.

 

I seriously doubt he will contact me again. I was pretty brutal in my texts to him calling him a liar, a cheat, a manipulator who preyed on someone vulnerable. I said anyone with a conscience couldn’t look at himself in the mirror much less sleep at night. I told him he was cruel and selfish, thinking only of himself and not giving any thought to the impact of his behaviour on 2 women who loved him, or his kids. Finally I told him he was no prize and she can have him. He’d have to be a fool to contact me again.

 

It is now 4 full days since we spoke. I have yet to shed a tear. My anxiety is mostly gone although I do have the odd moments. I have been doing some reading on love vs being in love and attachment vs love. I was in love for sure: I loved how he made me feel, the attention, the affection. But him there are many things I dislike. First and foremost his indecisive nature, his self absorbed persona which doesn’t consider impact on others etc.

 

And we don’t have as much in common as I thought. A lot of our conversations have been around marital matters, work and sporting activities. He has said on several occasions that he feels he isn’t cerebral enough for me. This is actually true. While he is intelligent, he doesn’t read, he isn’t well versed in world events, doesn’t like cultural activities to any great degree, except movies. I like to read, go to the theatre, concerts, museums and travel. Travel is about the only thing outside of sports that we have in common. Talking to him last few months has actually been a chore. Nothing to talk about once work is done because we aren’t discussing marital things any longer.

 

I have been attached to him because of the companionship and the comfort of having someone for support and affection. But he is not the sort of partner material I want or need. I believe I will be strong. Time will tell.

 

I feel sad and disappointed and relieved. Sad because of my poor judgment and the loss of a support person, such as he was. Disappointed in myself for my naivety and poor choices and decisions. Disappointed in him and the loss of the “future” we might have had even thought it was nothing but fantasy. Relieved that I don’t wake up in the morning and go to bed at night with the uncertainty of what tomorrow will bring. He is still the first thought in the morning and the last thought at night. That bothers me because I don’t know why he would be and I know he likely gives me no thought at all.

 

One day at a time ...

[FMW]

I'm so happy to read your change in course!

 

The anger is good, it burns away the romantic fog.

 

Keep moving forward, stay strong. He will almost certainly come around again, so be prepared because it will test your will.

[PhoenixRising8]

I'm so happy to read your change in course!

 

The anger is good, it burns away the romantic fog.

 

Keep moving forward, stay strong. He will almost certainly come around again, so be prepared because it will test your will.

 

I don’t get why he would. If someone said to me the things I did, I wouldn’t dare contact them again.

[FMW]

If you've read enough of the OM/OW threads here there's an undeniable pattern. It may take a while, even months. But it's a really good bet that he will pop up again to see if you've changed your mind.

 

Learn from our experience and be prepared so you aren't caught off guard and let him get back in. I know you'll say there's no way, but trust me.

 

If you're honest with yourself you know you are still vulnerable to him. And you will be for a long time. It's the nature of the beast. So don't let your guard down.

 

The anger will ebb and flow. It won't just disappear and suddenly you're completely over him. Celebrate your strength but understand you will be vulnerable for a very long time. Don't be too cocky or confident about being done. It's a long process, you're only at the very start of the journey.