Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[PhoenixRising8]

Hang on here... telling his wife? I thought she already knew? (And i believe that you actually knew for a fact that he told her about you at one time).

 

That said.. Oh Lord, leave it be now. If you tell his wife you will be sucked into their drama. You don't need that. Just walk away and for the love of God be done with this man. This is CLASSIC, 100% typical MM behavior. Kat, he is not being cruel or malicious, he is being selfish. He is not even THINKING about you, he is only thinking of himself.

 

Kat.. come on. You now know exactly what you are dealing with. Just move on, please.

 

She knew he was having an affair, strongly suspected it but he denied it.

 

You're right about getting sucked in. Revenge is only momentarily satisfying but more toxic in the end.

 

I know who I'm dealing with and I hate that person. The man I knew the first 7 months doesn't exist. He was an illusion. As for not being malicious, yes he is. He knew he was being hurtful. He knew I didn't want to continue the affair. He specifically told me he wanted to talk about us as a couple. Leaving his wife. I told him there wasn't anything to discuss otherwise. He got me there under false pretences. I knew the moment I saw him. He was awkward, not at all like someone who had an epiphany and not like someone who was intent on leaving his wife. He just wanted to prolong the affair for his selfish purposes, without regard to another person's feelings. That is vile and malicious. I am sick to my stomach that I ever let that lying, cheating dirtbag into my life and into my bed.

[PhoenixRising8]

100%.

Kat,

I too would stay away.

There is a potential hornet's nest there, not a good idea to go poke it.

Remain safe in the shadows.

She will not be grateful for the info, neither will his kids, they will all hate you.

Last thing you want now is to be a target of their hatred, when the "prize" is not even worth it.

 

Although I feel sorry for her, she can have her "prize".

[PhoenixRising8]

Thats what I thought too. But it's not just syrupy it's also light and breezy, like he's making plans to picnic or something. The tone is just really off somehow. There is a lack of depth and no acknowledgment of the severity of the situation or the pain he has/is causing LKK. It sounds disconnected from reality. He doesn't sound like a guy with a very high emotional IQ or like he has any depth. Not sure how you ever developed any sort of connection with this guy.

 

He had already acknowledged the hurt and was "definitive" about leaving and that was his way of "expressing his commitment" to us.

 

When I met him, I was in the throes of an ugly separation after years of neglect, loneliness and emptiness. He listened and supported me through everything. He got me through it. Somewhere along the line starting when I began the thread, he began to change into this selfish, shallow self serving prick. Had he been who he is, I wouldn't have looked at him twice. At least he served his purpose. I guess there's that.

[WasOtherWoman]

. That is vile and malicious. I am sick to my stomach that I ever let that lying, cheating dirtbag into my life and into my bed.

 

I know that you are hurting, i am truly sorry. Time heals, but i am sure it does not feel that way now. I wish there were something we could do ...

[S2B]

I am beyond tempted to call his wife and tell her everything.

 

This is useful when he won’t stop contacting you.

 

I really believe she never knew - and if he won’t stop contacting you - then call her.

[elaine567]

At least he served his purpose. I guess there's that.

I think that is the way you have to look at it.

I read once that life is a path and sometimes we meet people and they walk along that path with us for a little while, until they go off on their own path and we shouldn't be sad, as that is just the way life is.

They bring to us things that we can cherish and remember and have added to our life in some way. He showed you what it is like to be loved and adored if only for a short while.

Now you need to keep following your own path and he needs to follow his.

[anika99]

She knew he was having an affair, strongly suspected it but he denied it.

 

You're right about getting sucked in. Revenge is only momentarily satisfying but more toxic in the end.

 

I know who I'm dealing with and I hate that person. The man I knew the first 7 months doesn't exist. He was an illusion. As for not being malicious, yes he is. He knew he was being hurtful. He knew I didn't want to continue the affair. He specifically told me he wanted to talk about us as a couple. Leaving his wife. I told him there wasn't anything to discuss otherwise. He got me there under false pretences. I knew the moment I saw him. He was awkward, not at all like someone who had an epiphany and not like someone who was intent on leaving his wife. He just wanted to prolong the affair for his selfish purposes, without regard to another person's feelings. That is vile and malicious. I am sick to my stomach that I ever let that lying, cheating dirtbag into my life and into my bed.

 

But it's too late to talk about being a couple and leaving. There's already been 7 months of that so I don't understand why you were willing to have any more discussions about it in the first place. The time for discussing is over.

[Aloha123]

LKK, you are a very smart "information gatherer". Here is an article on the subject of whether to tell the wife that you should definitely read. This whole website, which I just discovered is absolutely phenomenal. I wish I knew of it a long time ago:

 

https://www.goasksuzie.com/tell-his-wife-about-our-affair/

[Aloha123]

You know, when people on this thread tried to call him out for being a manipulative liar, I actually thought they were being a little harsh in this instance. I thought he was more of a pathetic wishy-washy loser than a "casanova womanizer. But, after reading that ridiculous phony message, I have changed my mind!!

 

You know, it occurred to me that all of us OW should perhaps post the actual messages from our MM more often. Because once they see the light of day, it's just impossible to take the seriously!!!

[elaine567]

You know, it occurred to me that all of us OW should perhaps post the actual messages from our MM more often. Because once they see the light of day, it's just impossible to take them seriously!!!

 

I agree if we had all been party to the "wooing" of Lilkat a year ago, maybe none of this would ever have happened...

[Abetterme]

Kat - I am happy going seems to have produced some closure and clarity for you. I know one size doesn’t fit all and we have to process things in our own time. I wish I’d come to terms with ending my A in the same time you’ve managed to do so, it is very tough when you’re still in limerance to see all the obvious muck.

 

I truly was appalled reading his email and agree with everything other posters have said about the intention of the message. He has shown you where he wants to be. It’s just a nail in the coffin on this thing.

[PhoenixRising8]

I am not sorry I went. I was not unprepared. I knew full well not to expect a miracle but I needed to know after months of so called waffling, if after being adamant he was going to go back to same old, same old. True to form, that is exactly what he did. I could barely stand to look at him.

 

Despite how I've been made to feel here at times, I appreciate the acknowledgement that I took my power back, in a lot less time than many. Thanks for that.

[WasOtherWoman]

I am not sorry I went. I was not unprepared. I knew full well not to expect a miracle but I needed to know after months of so called waffling, if after being adamant he was going to go back to same old, same old. True to form, that is exactly what he did. I could barely stand to look at him.

 

Despite how I've been made to feel here at times, I appreciate the acknowledgement that I took my power back, in a lot less time than many. Thanks for that.

 

The fact is you DID take it back! Being an OW can be crazy-making. You now have all the answers you need from him, right? Sending strength and healing thoughts your way, Kat.

[PhoenixRising8]

Yes I do all the answers I needed. He is a parasite that feeds on vulnerability. We were over. There was no reason to start the cycle again for the fourth time. I told him there was no reason to meet if he wasn't leaving and he insisted he was. Guess he didn't believe me when I said I was finished with the affair. I hope he believes me now.

 

Thanks for the support WOW.

[WasOtherWoman]

Yes I do all the answers I needed. He is a parasite that feeds on vulnerability. We were over. There was no reason to start the cycle again for the fourth time. I told him there was no reason to meet if he wasn't leaving and he insisted he was. Guess he didn't believe me when I said I was finished with the affair. I hope he believes me now.

 

Thanks for the support WOW.

 

Knowledge is power. Stay strong, Kat.

[S2B]

He is predictable - that is for sure.

 

Now be ready... because he wil suddenly have some emergency... and will want you to come running to rescue him.

 

 

Hopefully you have now blocked him from every way of contacting you.

 

But be ready... there will be something he dreams up to try and get a reaction from you.

[PhoenixRising8]

Good lord! What would be the point? I have told him repeatedly I no longer want just an affair. If he can't deliver what he offered, we are done. I told him that 2 weeks ago, was NC 10 days, told him the same on Tuesday and he said he was ready to leave and when he waffled yet again I walked out on him last evening. Having said all of that, nothing would surprise me where he is concerned. He has gall, I'll give him that.

[Aloha123]

The MM is always trying to restore the equilibrium of having a placated wife and placated OW. All of Tom's statements and actions makes sense in this light.

[PhoenixRising8]

Well this xOW is not easily placated lol. Guess it's time to reactivate the AM profile and look for a new one to groom. His profile name was "I'll Give You Passion" . I may keep an eye out for his profile to pop up and send it to BS anonymously. Wouldn't that be a hoot?

[WasOtherWoman]

Well this xOW is not easily placated lol. Guess it's time to reactivate the AM profile and look for a new one to groom. His profile name was "I'll Give You Passion" ��. I may keep an eye out for his profile to pop up and send it to BS anonymously. Wouldn't that be a hoot?

 

OK, i know you meant that as a joke.. but don't do it! He will figure out it was you, she may also and then you will be sucked into their drama.

 

Have your revenge fantasies.... who can blame you? But keep them as fantasies please!!

[elaine567]

I have told him repeatedly I no longer want just an affair.

IF he can't deliver what he offered, we are done..... He has gall, I'll give him that.

 

I know this is very hard for you, but you haven't really ended it.

You have merely given him an ultimatum.

He sticks around as you have not finished with him.

 

NOT "OK, "You have had your last chance and now we are finished, finito, caput, over, done... get out of my life".

 

BUT instead "I still love and want you, but you need to get your act together."

 

Not the same thing at all.

 

He comes back and will keep coming back as he still thinks he can convince you to change your mind.

[PhoenixRising8]

Not exactly as you stated Elaine. I told him that on the phone before we met last evening. I told him if we were meeting just to resume the affair not to bother. He was adamant he was leaving so I met him, not really expecting that to be the case. When he started waffling and making excuses I said we're done and have a nice life. I then walked out without turning back and drove off without lingering. No fiddling with this or that to see if he would chase. Just left. Don't see how that translates to not finishing with him.

[S2B]

Well this xOW is not easily placated lol. Guess it's time to reactivate the AM profile and look for a new one to groom. His profile name was "I'll Give You Passion" ��. I may keep an eye out for his profile to pop up and send it to BS anonymously. Wouldn't that be a hoot?

 

He’s not worth the time and/or energy wasted on trailing what he is or isn’t doing.

 

The best way to recover from this is to get to the point where you spend absolutely no time thinking of him at all.

 

Of course he’s gonna find another OW - that’s his deal.

 

At this point I hope you’re getting to the place of never considering him again - even IF he does eventually divorce his wife.

[S2B]

Not exactly as you stated Elaine. I told him that on the phone before we met last evening. I told him if we were meeting just to resume the affair not to bother. He was adamant he was leaving so I met him, not really expecting that to be the case. When he started waffling and making excuses I said we're done and have a nice life. I then walked out without turning back and drove off without lingering. No fiddling with this or that to see if he would chase. Just left. Don't see how that translates to not finishing with him.

 

Do you see where your misstep is? You still believe what he says... especially when he’s done no action to support his words.

 

When the words and actions don’t match - it’s a lie.

 

 

IF he ever actually said he filed for divorce make him show proof.

Edited March 9, 2019 by S2B

[PhoenixRising8]

I'm confused as to where I give the impression I believe what he says. I don't.

 

I woke up this morning and more pieces of the puzzle fell into place for me. He has done this before. No doubt in my mind whatsoever. Maybe for a fleeting moment he actually did intend to leave. MAYBE. Maybe he did have some level of feeling for me. MAYBE. But in the end it's irrelevant.

 

Some time ago, he said he'd kept our original messages from the website and he emailed them to me. That I made an impression on him like no one else he'd been messaging with. Even I, the consummate sentimental fool didn't do that. But I had no ulterior motives, he did. In retrospect, even his initial messages, before we met, were over the top. As much as the one I posted here. But I was so starved for attention I didn't see it for what it was.

 

It was spring and summer so he could use cycling as a way to get out of the house. Then there was always working late. He took every opportunity to call or message. It was always the same. Then end of September comes along and he pulled back, ostensibly due to what was going on with the separation discussions. There were two more pull backs. This time because he was dropping balls at work and had to refocus. The calls and messages dropped off. I knew it didn't take long to send off a quick message and I told him so. He never took the hint. He didn't think he had to because he believed I was so besotted I wouldn't see the forest for the trees. But he was wrong.

 

After my birthday, I started to wake up. I started to test him. I wrote my first goodbye note December 3 but he upped his game so I held off. I wrote the second on February 11 but held off again because he love bombed me. I wanted to see if it was genuine, it wasn't. I cancelled the cruise on February 4 but didn't tell him. Just before his trip, I made a breakup playlist and played it when he came over. He wondered if there was a message in the songs. I told him it was on shuffle. He told me we were worth fighting for and then he left because the wife expected him to. That was when I was certain it was a losing battle. After his return, my feelings were different, even when we were together. I didn't enjoy being with him the way I used to. Thursday evening I could barely contain my contempt for him.

 

So no, I believe nothing coming out of his pie hole. Even if he did come back with divorce papers, it wouldn't matter. He is NOT worthy of me or my love. I am worth a LOT more and better.

Edited March 9, 2019 by LilKatKat