S2B Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 Nah, it’s only that he is a skilled liar. No matter what you said he was gonna spin it to his favor. He can’t even empathize for a tiny minute to see it from your perspective. The guy is a jerk. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 The guy is a jerk alright. I was just thinking maybe the reason why he suggested to you a "us forever" (even though you never asked for more) when you had your divorce is because he knew that the situation have changed and that you are now single and could date others freely. He didn't want that so he had to do something to reel you in. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 11, 2019 Author Share Posted March 11, 2019 Yeah, it could be the only reason he said he was leaving was because I was single. I mean I did say if he didn't leave i could always start dating. Surprise, surprise, he didn't like that idea since he was being faithful to me lol. What doesn't make sense is why he actually went through with telling his wife and kids. Anyway, it's done now. I just need to get over the anger with myself. Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 I'm proud of you Kat!! If you think about it, you realized in your gut he was lying all along. It's why you kept pressing him. Dont be too hard on yourself!! You believed and trusted!! You believe and know how to love. It will find you again because you deserve it!!! He will always have a void in his marriage. You will find the real relationship you are looking for. Give it time and forgive yourself.. hugs! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 What doesn't make sense is why he actually went through with telling his wife and kids. That had two purposes, a) it showed you he had an intention to leave and b) it probably shocked his wife and kids into being more grateful for him sticking around. He knew his wife and kids were going nowhere so no real risk to him. They probably bent over backwards to then please him so he wouldn't desert them... Whilst you got even further caught up as it seemed he was actually serious about leaving.. Win, win. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 That had two purposes, a) it showed you he had an intention to leave and b) it probably shocked his wife and kids into being more grateful for him sticking around. He knew his wife and kids were going nowhere so no real risk to him. They probably bent over backwards to then please him so he wouldn't desert them... Whilst you got even further caught up as it seemed he was actually serious about leaving.. Win, win. While the above is very possible... sounds like a really risky thing for him to do. My gosh, if my husband ever suggested that he was leaving I can assure you I would not be bending over backwards to please him. I would have the housekeeper pack his ****. Just wow..... Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 While the above is very possible... sounds like a really risky thing for him to do. My gosh, if my husband ever suggested that he was leaving I can assure you I would not be bending over backwards to please him. I would have the housekeeper pack his ****. Just wow..... Yes, but this was the woman who was happy to "pretend" that her husband who was pitching up for overnight stays with Kat, was actually staying with a "friend". He, I guess knew how far he could push the wife. She was not willing I guess to rock any boats as finances would dictate the house be sold and she and the two adult "needy" and "sensitive" kids would then be out on their ear... Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 @WasOtherWoman - just a note, I think many people just don't think like that. At a real prospect of all the life changes that go along with divorce they don't have the stomach for it. So, you may be among that certain percentage of people who are so independent that it isn't as much of an issue. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 Yeah, it could be the only reason he said he was leaving was because I was single. I mean I did say if he didn't leave i could always start dating. Surprise, surprise, he didn't like that idea since he was being faithful to me lol. What doesn't make sense is why he actually went through with telling his wife and kids. Anyway, it's done now. I just need to get over the anger with myself. Lots of MM looking to cheat choose a woman that’s been in a long term marriage - because they “think” there is less chances for diseases. Once a gal starts dating around the chances are higher that they will end up with a disease... and that’s not as easy to explain to a spouse. So you stating that you may wish to date others raised concerns “for him” because he wanted his “safe bet”. When he was talking to his child about separating/divorcing - did he have it on speaker? Did he use the words “I’m divorcing her”? Could you hear his child’s voice? I’m wondering if he possibly had a pretend conversation that was designed to make you think he told his kid. Is that possible? Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 @WasOtherWoman - just a note, I think many people just don't think like that. At a real prospect of all the life changes that go along with divorce they don't have the stomach for it. So, you may be among that certain percentage of people who are so independent that it isn't as much of an issue. I hear you..... I have a minimal tolerance for drama, it is both a blessing a curse. Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 Yes, but this was the woman who was happy to "pretend" that her husband who was pitching up for overnight stays with Kat, was actually staying with a "friend". He, I guess knew how far he could push the wife. She was not willing I guess to rock any boats as finances would dictate the house be sold and she and the two adult "needy" and "sensitive" kids would then be out on their ear... True... but OMG, what grown adult stays with a friend overnight?????? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 True... but OMG, what grown adult stays with a friend overnight?????? He could easily have told her he had a business trip. Nothing he said can be taken as what he actually told her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 11, 2019 Author Share Posted March 11, 2019 Lots of MM looking to cheat choose a woman that’s been in a long term marriage - because they “think” there is less chances for diseases. Once a gal starts dating around the chances are higher that they will end up with a disease... and that’s not as easy to explain to a spouse. So you stating that you may wish to date others raised concerns “for him” because he wanted his “safe bet”. When he was talking to his child about separating/divorcing - did he have it on speaker? Did he use the words “I’m divorcing her”? Could you hear his child’s voice? I’m wondering if he possibly had a pretend conversation that was designed to make you think he told his kid. Is that possible? The no dating thing makes sense in that context. Stupid question: if you aren’t having sex with the spouse why would it matter? Not like he would pass it on. And treatment is confidential. Wouldn’t prevent use of protection. With respect to the calls with the kids, on a couple of occasions it was on speaker and a couple I was close enough to hear. Yes it was his kids. I’ve heard their voices before for other more innocuous calls. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 11, 2019 Author Share Posted March 11, 2019 He could easily have told her he had a business trip. Nothing he said can be taken as what he actually told her. An overnight business trip EVERY Saturday night for 4 months? Strains credulity no? Also he works for their best friends’ company so NOT A GOOD excuse. Too easy to verify. So yes, watching a sports event with a friend and fell asleep or some variation there of. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 You may be shocked to hear the lies and excuses betrayed spouses will embrace internally to try save themselves from the unthinkably painful reality. Especially when they seem otherwise sweet, loving, and kind day to day, to mask their backstabbing behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 He could easily have told her he had a business trip. Nothing he said can be taken as what he actually told her. true, but i think i remember reading these were saturday nights... Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 How far away does his friend live? My xWH would often times stay at a friend's house. They did a hobby together and the friend's house was 2 hrs away and close to the good places to do said hobby. He also would often times have weekends away with friends for this hobby. I never minded. I do girls trips and appreciate a life outside of my marriage, so it never struck me as odd. And even though my xWH was a scumbag cheater, he actually did mostly go there (I cant be for sure). So it isnt out there that she may believe him. And it isnt just about him passing her a STI, who wants one for themselves? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 11, 2019 Author Share Posted March 11, 2019 Friend lives next town over so less than half an hour away. Definitely driving distance. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 He was definitely thinking of himself - HE doesn’t want any diseases. But don’t believe it when a MM says he isn’t getting sex at home. My exH told his OW we didn’t... and we had sex every day... sometimes 2-3 times a day even after being together 27 years. So they lie. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 Friend lives next town over so less than half an hour away. Definitely driving distance. Some wives don’t care... as long as the selfish bastard is gone for a day or two - she thinks she gets a break from his selfishness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 11, 2019 Author Share Posted March 11, 2019 Oh she cared. No doubt about that given she would text in the middle of the night saying she couldn’t sleep because she was upset. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 Oh she cared. No doubt about that given she would text in the middle of the night saying she couldn’t sleep because she was upset. Sharing her texts with you is further evidence of his lack of character. That is so disrespectful. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 11, 2019 Share Posted March 11, 2019 ....and lack of empathy. The poor woman breaking her heart at home alone... It is so sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 11, 2019 Author Share Posted March 11, 2019 Yes, it was behaviour like this that had me rethinking the relationship. The emotional part was telling me how much I loved him and how the man of the first 7 months was who he really was, but for being in a loveless lifeless marriage he felt guilt over leaving. The rational thinking side said if he could treat the mother of his children that way how could I expect any better. After my ex, I knew that wasn’t what I wanted. I kept trying to reason with him that it was cruel and he needed to end it because he did not have a loving respectful marriage. It was a sham. Did he really want to be that cruel and disrespectful? He said he didn’t want to be that person but he was having a hard time ending it because it would devastate her. What started off being letting her down slowly and gently turned into something pretty bad. It got to the point that even being with him was difficult because I knew what I was being complicit in and it made me feel terrible. No amount of reasoning worked. I finally started pushing and applying a lot of pressure. Guess the heat got too much in the kitchen. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 That (you had expectations he couldn’t deliver on) and the fact that the real version of this jerk started to show his real self. Any person’s actions show me who they are - their words mean next to nothing to me. When their actions show me they have no character - I’m out. Link to post Share on other sites
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