Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 12, 2019 Author Share Posted March 12, 2019 What on earth ever makes anyone think an affair is the answer? What was I thinking? Well obviously I wasn't. I don't think I'd want even my worst enemy to do this. Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 This is where you need to be, LKK. You’re allowing yourself to feel everything. It’s extra painful because you’re mourning a real relationship but also you feel anger at yourself and shame for having participated in something that hurt others. In time, you’ll be really, REALLY glad he didn’t give in to your pressure and leave his wife. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
lolita888 Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 He was definitely thinking of himself - HE doesn’t want any diseases. But don’t believe it when a MM says he isn’t getting sex at home. My exH told his OW we didn’t... and we had sex every day... sometimes 2-3 times a day even after being together 27 years. So they lie. You two had that much sex... but he still cheated on you he must be sex addict or so. I haven't read your threads so I was surprised. Really..makes me wonder why they cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 You two had that much sex... but he still cheated on you he must be sex addict or so. I haven't read your threads so I was surprised. Really..makes me wonder why they cheat. This is how it was with my xWH and me. We had sex extremely often. But why did he cheat? It was because he liked variety. Because he liked the chase. He liked having admiration from other people. He liked having the ego boost from other women being attracted. It isnt just about sex. But it is all about the cheater. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 12, 2019 Share Posted March 12, 2019 This is how it was with my xWH and me. We had sex extremely often. But why did he cheat? It was because he liked variety. Because he liked the chase. He liked having admiration from other people. He liked having the ego boost from other women being attracted. It isnt just about sex. But it is all about the cheater. That’s true. It’s ego. His ego. It was all about him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 13, 2019 Author Share Posted March 13, 2019 (edited) The one thing I was stuck on was why would he tell the wife and kids he wanted a divorce. It didn't make sense that he would cause such upset to them if he had no intention to do so. I actually suggested to him at one point that he only wanted to get her attention but of course he denied it. It's what gave me hope and a reason to hang in there. It's what made me believe him. I'm stuck no longer. I spoke to my daughter tonight and told her the one thing that never made sense was why he would tell them he wanted to divorce. She looked at me like I had two heads. "Really mom? Because dad didn't say that all the time to both of us?" Occam's razor ... can't see forest for the trees. So many things make sense now. How did I miss this?!?! So obvious now. Like how he was so charming and always had the right thing to say ... this from the guy who was inexperienced with women. The guy who was shy once upon a time. Yeah, he's done this before. Guess you can say the fog has truly lifted. I went from Satan to Satan 2.0 :-( Edited March 13, 2019 by LilKatKat Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted March 13, 2019 Share Posted March 13, 2019 This is how it was with my xWH and me. We had sex extremely often. But why did he cheat? It was because he liked variety. Because he liked the chase. He liked having admiration from other people. He liked having the ego boost from other women being attracted. It isnt just about sex. But it is all about the cheater. My MM and his wife have a great sex life . All of the above is 100% true for him. AND, he is also a sex addict. My theory is that it's actually entirely consistent for a man who has a lot of sex at home to also seek additional sexual variety outside of the marriage -- the common thread of course being that he is a sex addict. And why I think the reverse is also true -- that a man who voluntarily (like my husband) does not want a lot of sex at home is actually LESS likely than average to seek out an affair -- with the common thread of course being that their sex drive is lower than average. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 She looked at me like I had two heads. "Really mom? Because dad didn't say that all the time to both of us?" Some of MMs behaviour towards his wife was abusive. His cruel behaviour and the things she doesn't know about...like sharing her messages and letter with you. He was abusive, just not to you. This guy was only ever looking for an affair. He thought anyone on the website would be in the same position as him, which is a reasonable assumption. That's why he specifically went there. I wouldn't say he was specifically after a vulnerable woman. Some married women on those sites have no intention of leaving their husbands. Their strong in character... their just not monogamous by nature. They're just after some extra marital sex/affection/fun etc. He was too gutless to tell you he was never leaving. Future faking is indeed cruel. It's really not as easy for everyone to leave a long term relationship and maybe with his sensible hat on... the might have realised a lasting relationship, cannot be compared to an affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 (edited) It wasn't easy for me to leave a long term marriage. It wasn't my intent either. But I quickly realized I couldn't stay married for a variety of reasons. I told my ex before the affair that we were done but I hoped initially that perhaps it would be a wake up call for him and maybe we could solve our problems. Ultimately I realized that wasn't in the cards and I left my marriage because it was the right thing for me. Not because of Tom. I didn't ask Tom to leave his marriage. That was all him and I fell for it. I knew we were just an affair. That was all it started out as. I don't get why he would bother with the future faking. We could have continued as we started. It would have been authentic. It might have ended better. But he wanted to take it to the next level. Especially after "living together" in August while she was away. He drove me to the train every morning and picked me up at night. We went grocery shopping and made dinner together every night. We cuddled on the couch and watched TV. It truly felt real. Not long after he told her he was leaving and convinced me he meant what he said about us "between now and forever". So I held on until it was obvious I was allowing him to torture me and her. I became painful being together as much as being apart. There was no reason to future fake. The only thing that accomplished was tainting the first 7 months of beautiful memories. I can't even think of that time without feeling ill and I can't think of the last 4 or 5 months without it hurting badly. The whole last year I have to forget because it just hurts too much to remember. So he gets to keep his life intact and essentially goes unscathed while I get to try to pick of the pieces. How is that fair or right? Edited March 14, 2019 by LilKatKat Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 (edited) I understand why that is something you would get stuck on, too. He likely told you this because this is what he thought you wanted to hear. Even though you didnt ask for it. Even though you didnt pressure. My xWH did the same thing. He said things to me. And things to his OW that really made not much sense as to why he would say it. Except it just further backed up the image he was trying to portray. He (your MM) was trying to make himself out to be the hopeless romantic with the big bad wolf wife at home. You cant spend all your energy trying to figure out why he did what he did and said what he did. It doesnt make sense because to normal people, we live a little bit more authentically and realize we wouldnt say something so extreme without it being true. Edited March 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 So you future fake and lie to someone who has been badly hurt already? Ensure they are hurt again and some more? I didn't want to hear anything but the truth ever. I enjoyed being with him. We had fun. It was easy and natural. It wasn't work. I was happy just enjoying the moment. It could have stayed that way. He ruined the entire year with his lies and hurt me even more in the process. I was fine all day and this evening I just got overwhelmed again. It isn't that I want him back, or would ever even consider it, not that he would even call again after the massive diatribe I unleashed on him after his BS and getting me to meet on false pretences then backtracking. It's more anger at myself for drinking the koolaid and being so gullible. It's letting the hopeless romantic in me out and believing that it was real or could last. It's wondering how I ever open up to and trust someone else again after the 2 exes, H & MM who turned out to be little better than xH. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 Kat, you have to forget the notion that he cared about you being hurt before or all you may have been through. From what you have explained, the type of person he is... this would only fuel him. It is why he knew he could hook you. Everything was solely self serving for him. He read you, he knew what you needed and wanted to hear. He wanted your love, your admiration, sex, ego boosts, etc etc... but not because he cared to give those things to you... it was ALL for him. And what he said or did... was because of what HE got out of it. Also dont forget, you pose a real threat to his carefully built up facade that he has with his wife... that great, husband, family man. Ultimately, I had to come to terms that in my marriage, I served as the image he wanted to portray to the world. And for you, you were his fun toy. A toy that he got pleasure from... and not just about sex. Guys like this NEED that attention, ego fluffing, etc. Link to post Share on other sites
What_Did_I_Do Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 That's what they do LKK. Tell you things you want to hear. There's no substance behind it. There's a huge difference between US and THEM. They deliver fluff whereas we mean it. Thing is, we lose in the end. With our honesty. That ol' Golden Rule doesn't apply here. SO, coming from someone so crippling, deeply entrenched in a LTA, I'm in the early stages of dating a single guy, and wow, what a difference. No embarrassment or shame, I want people to see us together, no more hiding or looking over shoulders. Whatever feel goods I had from the A, cannot replace the authenticity received from a legitimate relationship. Keep moving forward. You will get there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 Except the first 7 months, it was all about me. Whenever I needed him, day or night, he was there. He was my support throughout the separation and the harassment from the ex. When I was on the ledge, he talked me down. Even on Mother's Day when he missed brunch because I was falling apart. And a week later, his anniversary, when he left her, sitting in a car at a gas station for half an hour while he consoled me (didn't know until later about the anniversary or her sitting in the car). It was all about me. Whatever I needed. He was my best friend. How do you go from that to this? How do you trust the next guy that he isn't going to go from Jekyll to Hyde in the snap of his fingers? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 So you future fake and lie to someone who has been badly hurt already? Ensure they are hurt again and some more? I didn't want to hear anything but the truth ever. I enjoyed being with him. We had fun. It was easy and natural. It wasn't work. I was happy just enjoying the moment. It could have stayed that way. He ruined the entire year with his lies and hurt me even more in the process. I was fine all day and this evening I just got overwhelmed again. It isn't that I want him back, or would ever even consider it, not that he would even call again after the massive diatribe I unleashed on him after his BS and getting me to meet on false pretences then backtracking. It's more anger at myself for drinking the koolaid and being so gullible. It's letting the hopeless romantic in me out and believing that it was real or could last. It's wondering how I ever open up to and trust someone else again after the 2 exes, H & MM who turned out to be little better than xH. KitKat, The choose the most vulnerable to prey upon. He is skilled. Just know that you can learn some valuable things from all this you’ve experienced. A predator looks for prey - knowing they need someone who is in a bad situation so they don’t see all the lies and crap they dole out in heavy doses. It’s just the way they do things. It’s predictable. Now you know. You can help others by posting from your experience and perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 In my opinion, he was just as abusive as your ex hubs. It was never about you, but all about him. He doesn't care if he was being cruel and hurting your feelings. Look at how he treated his wife and his kids! Telling your kids you are going to divorce their mother when he had no intention to is just as vile and you know how he has treated his wife with disrespect and contempt. His behavior was actually consistent throughout whether it was with you, his wife or his kids. It was just all about him. As I mentioned earlier, future faking after your divorce was to reel you in because now you are free to date anyone and he doesn't want that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 That's what they do LKK. Tell you things you want to hear. There's no substance behind it. There's a huge difference between US and THEM. They deliver fluff whereas we mean it. Thing is, we lose in the end. With our honesty. That ol' Golden Rule doesn't apply here. SO, coming from someone so crippling, deeply entrenched in a LTA, I'm in the early stages of dating a single guy, and wow, what a difference. No embarrassment or shame, I want people to see us together, no more hiding or looking over shoulders. Whatever feel goods I had from the A, cannot replace the authenticity received from a legitimate relationship. Keep moving forward. You will get there. We never hid. We went out to dinner, movies, bowling, hikes, whatever. Held hands, kissed. It wasn't behind closed doors. Ever. But in the end I guess it was all a charade. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 Except the first 7 months, it was all about me. Whenever I needed him, day or night, he was there. He was my support throughout the separation and the harassment from the ex. When I was on the ledge, he talked me down. Even on Mother's Day when he missed brunch because I was falling apart. And a week later, his anniversary, when he left her, sitting in a car at a gas station for half an hour while he consoled me (didn't know until later about the anniversary or her sitting in the car). It was all about me. Whatever I needed. He was my best friend. How do you go from that to this? How do you trust the next guy that he isn't going to go from Jekyll to Hyde in the snap of his fingers? Except it wasnt about you. It was about how those actions delivered what HE wanted. Yes, they will say things, they will do things... to get what they want. They WILL give. But it isnt because they love you... they love how they feel in return. How YOU make him feel in return. I'm sure just as you praise him on this board high and low, you praised him and thanked him, etc. Etc. Imagine the ego boosts he got from being your knight in shining armor. It wasnt about you. That was about him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 We never hid. We went out to dinner, movies, bowling, hikes, whatever. Held hands, kissed. It wasn't behind closed doors. Ever. But in the end I guess it was all a charade. You hid, Kat. He didnt present you to his family. He didnt tell his wife about you. You were hidden. You were a secret. You just so happened to live in a separate town. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 Yes. My ex often told me and my daughter he wanted a divorce when he wasn't getting his way. It was his way of getting what he wanted, manipulating and controlling someone he knew had abandonment issues, which he denies knowing. As if! My daughter pointed it out to me the other night when I wondered how Tom could do that to his family. And I never put 2 + 2 together, idiot that I am. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 So you're someone's knight in shining armour one minute and destroy them the next? Doesn't need the ego boost any longer. It doesn't matter actually. He can rot in hell. I'm just trying to get through each day, one at a time. Mostly I do OK and then I just get overwhelmed. It isn't like I miss him. I mostly don't think about him during the day. Not constantly looking at my phone. But something will trigger it when I least expect it. Being at home is probably the worst because I see him in the kitchen, the family room, the bedroom. He helped me pick out the tiles and shower panel in the master bath. He's just everywhere I look. Reminders I'd rather not have. Wonder if he sees me in his kitchen, rec room or bedroom... Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 So you're someone's knight in shining armour one minute and destroy them the next? Doesn't need the ego boost any longer. It doesn't matter actually. He can rot in hell. I'm just trying to get through each day, one at a time. Mostly I do OK and then I just get overwhelmed. It isn't like I miss him. I mostly don't think about him during the day. Not constantly looking at my phone. But something will trigger it when I least expect it. Being at home is probably the worst because I see him in the kitchen, the family room, the bedroom. He helped me pick out the tiles and shower panel in the master bath. He's just everywhere I look. Reminders I'd rather not have. Wonder if he sees me in his kitchen, rec room or bedroom... I'm still fully disgusted that he would bring you to his house and you sunk yourself so low as to go there. This should really bring home the point of who he is. But really to your first point, it will get better. One day you'll be free. You'll live and be happy you didnt waste more time. You will look back on this as a lesson in your life. You will take from this relationship what you needed. 1) to get out of your own marriage and 2) lessons learned about these sorts of people. You will recognize it in future potential mates and be able to make better decisions. You will get past this, Kat. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 14, 2019 Author Share Posted March 14, 2019 (edited) Yeah, wasn't my finest hour. No idea what I was thinking. I actually am pretty disgusted myself. At both of us. I lived in their house for weeks. Makes me ill. But I was so blinded by "love" I didn't think about it. We just wanted to spend all our time together and her absence made it possible. I don't even recognize who I was. Certainly not the person I've been my whole life. It's like I lost my brain. Edited March 14, 2019 by LilKatKat Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 Being at home is probably the worst because I see him in the kitchen, the family room, the bedroom. He helped me pick out the tiles and shower panel in the master bath. He's just everywhere I look. Reminders I'd rather not have. Wonder if he sees me in his kitchen, rec room or bedroom... Have them redone. Seriously... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted March 14, 2019 Share Posted March 14, 2019 You can also try rearranging the furniture or add new stuff at your place. Link to post Share on other sites
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