Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[elaine567]

Same old..

 

"I am leaving, honest I am,

BUT I have a few Reno projects that HAVE to be done first..."

 

and now he has you on the hook again.

He is really leaving this time...

Yeah right.

[PhoenixRising8]

You assume he has me on the hook. I told him I am not resuming the affair. I told him that explicitly. I told him I am no longer the OW. An I will not be. He said he doesn’t expect me to be but wants to know if I would give him a chance to earn my trust when he leaves.

[elaine567]

You assume he has me on the hook.

 

 

I know he has...

[BTDT2012]

He is adamant he is leaving which means a separation. Can’t file for divorce until after a year of separation. This is not the US. I have told him we are not reconciled and won’t be at least until he moves out.

Right, because he can't pay for renovations unless he is living there. All he has given you is more SSDD (same stuff, different day). You keep talking to him. He knows if he can keep you connected to him emotionally eventually you will give in.

 

 

It's still all about him. He knows you won't cut him off.

[PhoenixRising8]

Well Elaine, good to know you know my mind better than I do.

[mark clemson]

I would be real careful. You can burn a LOT of time waiting for what might happen, or might not. Weeks might turn into months, even if/when he does separate or move out.

 

This is time that could be spent getting fully over him and moving on to something a lot healthier.

 

Also, if he leaves his wife/family, that's something he should be doing on the merits of that marriage on its own terms. Having you allows him to monkey branch which may distort the picture for him somewhat.

 

And of course, if/when he does actually separate and/or divorce, does he really end up with YOU.

 

It's your life, but seems like a lot of ifs to stake months and months of waiting on?

[PhoenixRising8]

Right, because he can't pay for renovations unless he is living there. All he has given you is more SSDD (same stuff, different day). You keep talking to him. He knows if he can keep you connected to him emotionally eventually you will give in.

 

 

It's still all about him. He knows you won't cut him off.

 

I think we all know that two households are more expensive than one and separation/divorce is not cheap. He already has the materials and works for a GC so was always intending to do it himself with one of his staff.

 

And I had cut him off. We have not resumed the affair and I won’t. End of ...

[S2B]

He is adamant he is leaving which means a separation. Can’t file for divorce until after a year of separation. This is not the US. I have told him we are not reconciled and won’t be at least until he moves out.

 

Well then KIt Kat - do NOT resume until his divorce is FINAL!!!

 

No it’s ands or buts! He lies! You need to see the FINAL decree before you see him again! Mainly because he never intended to divorce her!

[S2B]

You seriously want this very consistent liar and cheater?

 

You now know who he is and what he does... you want that for yourself?

[PhoenixRising8]

I am not banking on anything. I told him ages ago that he should not conflate his marriage and the affair. He should leave his marriage IF it is dead, lifeless and loveless as he states. He should not be leaving for me, or anyone else.

 

I am not waiting around for him. He knows that. I told him I’ve had a couple of dates. I’ve also signed up for a hiking and cycling club. I am starting going to church with a work colleague. I’m in therapy. I’ve rejoined my gym and have personal training sessions set up. I am moving my life forward the best I can. Without him.

[PhoenixRising8]

You seriously want this very consistent liar and cheater?

 

You now know who he is and what he does... you want that for yourself?

 

By all accounts this is not who he has been for 50+ years. Neither was I. Sometimes bad situations lead good people astray, like they did me. Maybe it’s true for him, maybe not. IF and WHEN he is free and I am unattached, IF he proves himself, assuming he has any interest at that point ...

 

That’s a lot of time and a lot of ifs.

[Snipercatt]

By what you’ve posted, Tom is incredibly self-absorbed. Even in this last communication it is evident.

 

Rather than be honest and say he wants to leave, and wants to renpvate the marital home in preparation for leaving, he is so obsessed with his own comfort level he will mislead his wife until right before he leaves. He can expect such treatment, of another, to end up costing him dearly.

 

That you would consider being with someone who intentionally does such a thing speaks to your own emotional intelligence.

[PhoenixRising8]

He doesn’t believe, with good reason, that she would want him being there for extended periods to do Renos. She’already told him first go around that if he’s leaving, he’s leaving immediately.

 

Thanks for assessing my EQ.

[Snipercatt]

It is human nature to make excuses for self absorbed behavior. He can be honest with her, take the lumps and work it out, or not. He stands to lose as much, or more, when she gets angry than it might cost to hire the work done.

 

I didn’t mean to insult you. I meant to point out that something is lacking for this to be acceptable to you. I was brusque and I apologize.

 

Keep in mind, he/this is what you are getting when it is all said and done.

[PhoenixRising8]

I get where he’s coming from because you just don’t know what you’re going to get when you say you’re leaving. When I told my ex, he refused to leave and I couldn’t. I had to stay in the city because of my job. He could have, and eventually did, move to our all season cottage. In the ensuing 3 months he made my life a living hell. He finally moved when he lost any remaining support from my daughter. Tom knows all of this. And yes, he could hire out the work, but it’s expensive and affordability has to be factored into the equation.

 

Anyway, this is all assuming he follows through this time. Maybe breaking up was needed. Or maybe it’s just more tall tales. Time will tell. But in the meantime, I am not getting my hopes up or putting my life on hold. I’ve already wasted far too much time last 10 years. I took my power back and I’m keeping it.

[S2B]

He’s distracting you.

 

I’d tell him to see where you’re at after his divorce is final!

 

In the meantime you don’t need to ride that roller coaster with him IF he does leave her.

 

 

Looks like she is still calling the shots anyway.

[Snipercatt]

Some one who is dishonest to avoid conflict and who uses the excuse that the ends justify the means, in this case the economic costs, takes those traits with them regardless the individual they are in relationship with.

 

It doesn’t matter if Tom dishonors people because he is conflict avoidant and passive aggressive, or if it is intentional. Either way, he’s a cad.

 

He’s not creating any ripples until after the wedding and considering your ultimatum about him attending “with her” the house renovations are the new cover.

Edited March 18, 2019 by Snipercatt

[Amethyst68]

What's the expectation going forward? Will you continue to text and message him or will it be NC until you see the separation actually happen?

 

Will you be able to maintain NC? I'm only asking because every time he contacts you, you have caved. You sound strong in your posts but your actions don't reflect what you write.

[PhoenixRising8]

Some one who is dishonest to avoid conflict and who uses the excuse that the ends justify the means, in this case the economic costs, takes those traits with them regardless the individual they are in relationship with.

 

It doesn’t matter if Tom dishonors people because he is conflict avoidant and passive aggressive, or if it is intentional. Either way, he’s a cad.

 

He’s not creating any ripples until after the wedding and considering your ultimatum about him attending “with her” the house renovations are the new cover.

 

You are not correct. The wedding is in July. I told him if they are not separated before then, he should just stay where he is because I will not believe he will ever leave. I will not entertain any notion of us beyond may or June. And July will mark 10 months since the first attempt so no. The renos can be done in a few weeks. No reason to drag them out to July when it’s hot and sticky.

 

He also knows that we still aren’t a sure thing. I’m not falling into his arms and into bed with him. The original plan was for him to move in with me. I have told him that is not an option. He has to move out and regain my trust, of which he has very little. Beyond me, he has the uphill battle of winning over my daughter.

So it won’t be a cake walk.

 

I’ve also told him that if this is a charade and he comes up with another excuse to prolong things, this time there will be consequences for him such that he will never want to hear my name again much less see me. He knows when pushed too far I can be quite forceful - he’s seen it with my ex who I finally managed to stop from harassing me by threatening divorce for mental cruelty which I would make part of public record and share with his family, among other things I threatened to retaliate with. He’s been quiet as a mouse for 2 months. So yes, when pushed too hard, this people pleaser can become someone to be reckoned with. Tom knows that hell hath no fury like this Scorpio woman. He ought to know exactly what I will do if this is a charade. And if it is a charade and he continues then he will have no one to blame but himself for the fall out.

[BTDT2012]

He ought to know exactly what I will do if this is a charade. And if it is a charade and he continues then he will have no one to blame but himself for the fall out.

So you really aren't done with him. The best revenege is living a good life.

[Starswillshine]

Good Lord, this is all so predictable. His tears and your reaction.

 

Listen to yourself. Your dramatic post... "I could barely understand him through the tears." Give me a break.

 

You arent done and you are showing you arent..you are still holding out hope. It is sad because even if this guy leaves he is no prize. He is the exact opposite and you'll find yourself in his wife's position if he ever does let you be #1. But my guess if the divorce ever comes, it will be he needs space to clear his mind.

[BaileyB]

The wedding is in July. I told him if they are not separated before then, he should just stay where he is because I will not believe he will ever leave. I will not entertain any notion of us beyond may or June.

 

He also knows that we still aren’t a sure thing. I’m not falling into his arms and into bed with him. The original plan was for him to move in with me. I have told him that is not an option. He has to move out and regain my trust, of which he has very little. Beyond me, he has the uphill battle of winning over my daughter.

 

You have moved your deadline back, yet again. It’s hard to believe, and yet it’s all so very predictable...

 

I simply can’t believe you still want this man. After everything that has happened, and everything you have said about him... I can’t actually believe it.

 

I feel badly for your daughter... if I was in her position, I would be putting up some pretty serious boundaries - with you, and with this man if he ever does actually leave his wife to be with you.

[S2B]

So now you’ve moved your boundary again... to July?

[sagamore]

LKK, gently...he DOES still have you on the hook. You may not be physical with him but as long as he keeps the door one tiny crack open, you won’t be able to truly move on. Just one phone call and a few song lyrics and he’s got rent-free space in your head once again. Pretty slick.

 

And speaking of which...can we talk about his lame romantic shtick? This married, middle-aged guy with his cheesy song lyrics and his “between now and forever” BS...don’t you sort of want to laugh? Who actually believes or enjoys this sh*t? Especially when all these flowery words are backed up with...um, a whole lot of nothing. I can’t for the life of me imagine how any woman could be turned on by this guy! Frankly my vibrator is more reliable and has a better personality than your Don Juan Tom.

[PhoenixRising8]

Good grief people! What part of the affair is OVER did I not make clear? We have NOT reconciled. I have made it clear to him that IF he separates, he isn't moving in with me AND we are not a sure thing. He has a lot to prove to me, if he wants us. He has to leave because it's the right thing for him to do or not do. It has nothing to do with me. And I'm not necessarily waiting in the wings with a soft landing for him. IF he wants me back, he has to WIN me over, and not just with words. But if he continues to tell me he will and doesn't, there will be consequences. I may even tell his BS. It may be the only way to put the nail in the coffin for us.

 

As for July, it isn't a new deadline because we aren't together. I only told him if he hasn't left in the next month or two and he goes to he wedding as a couple it means he's been playing games. So he shouldn't expect that I would even consider giving him a chance.

 

I'm amazed at how I'm being branded a fool for considering giving this lying cheater a chance. Why I might want him in my life. Technically, I cheated too so I'd be a hypocrite if I held against him the very thing I can be accused of, even though I told the ex we were done. How many BSs are there on this forum that have gone beyond the betrayal and built stronger unions in the end. Why can the MM and OW not do the same? I'm not saying we will, or that the odds aren't against it. HE HAS A LONG WAY TO GO TO RECOVER.

 

Do I still love him? Yes, I do. I can't just get over loving him overnight. All you know is those pieces that you parse in this thread, and it's always the most negative aspects. But there is a lot of good in him. We've had a lot of positives and one negative, albeit a big one. Few people are all bad, or all good. He's no exception. It is possible he has just been human and confused and afraid, thereby making bad decisions. Or he is nothing more than a lying, cheating cad. The next couple of months will tell the story.

 

Everyone doubted my approach. That I would succeed in ending the affair but I did. I did it my way. It's working for me. I have set boundaries and he's prepared to live by them. I'm trying to regain respect, from myself and from him. Without that, there's nothing.

 

Now go ahead, let me have it ...