Starswillshine Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 (edited) Kat, take a month with NO CONTACT. This means... blocking him from every Avenue that he has to contact you. So he cant send you notes that will have you confused again. Tell him you need to clear your head. Explain to him what you are doing. Do NOT look at his social media. Do NOT look at his wife's social media. Then write. Write everything he has made you feel. Good and bad. Go through all the reasons/excuses he has given for things that made you upset. Mexico, picture with her, the kids, the dog, etc. Etc. Get that out the first week. Pay attention to how you physically feel. You have said in this thread he made you feel anxious. And I cant imagine how you feel constantly checking up on social media (no judgement, I sometimes a year later find myself doing the same... it IS a process). Kat, this man is NOT a good prospect to spend your life with. Knowing that, why would you want to waste any more of your days giving him all your time and energy. At best, he is weak, indecisive and let's everyone else control his life. At worst (and much more likely) he is a narcissistic manipulator. And I get the thoughts about no one here knows him like you do. I said the same about my xWH. "But, you guys dont know him." I didnt either. Oh but boy, I do now. I was with the man for 20 years and he never scared me. This past weekend, he grabbed me in a way and looked at me with eyes that terrified me. See, there is no more need to keep a mask up around me anymore. And he did it so well for 20 years. Edited March 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator reply to deleted post 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Make no mistake as long as you remain in contact you are still in the affair! All you have done is remove the physical component. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 An OW is not drawn to the other man, rather she is simply avoiding herself. It's the romantic and sexual equivalent of gazing out the window and pining for the trees while your house burns down around you. It's the sweetest and most delusional version of procrastination we can muster. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Have any of you been the OW??? This pain is real. Kat's feelings for this man are genuine and pure. He may be manipulating her or he maybe really confused. He has a lot at stake. It's not so easy to walk away from. Now do I think Kat should wait around and listen to his NS no!! She is trying to gain her power back!! She is in love it's not so easy... if he loves her the same she will know!!! He will be willing to move mountains for her. She has advised him of where she stands now. Let's help guide her not throw more stones. Love is blind, but I believe Kat's eyes are wide open now!! The problem with this sentiment is that he is hurting her and doing more damage every day that he spins yet another tale to keep her hanging on for another goalpost that when it comes, she will be crushed yet again. And then angry and sad again until he reaches out, crying and promising that he has seen the light and he really will leave this time. Gently, this is emotional abuse. A REAL MAN would give her peace, take the chance that she gets her life back together and doesn’t want him and quietly go about getting his life sorted out so he has something to offer. A REAL MAN would not call her up, spinning tails with tears and promises and put her life back on hold. Give me one instance where this guy has ever self-sacrificed for Kat? When he took his wife to Hawaii? When she told him it was over and he begged her to meet for coffee only to let her down again? Naive woman and Kat, because you are so both caught up in your feelings - both love and empathy for these men - you fail to see how badly they are hurting you and hurting you everyday. If someone came up to your best friend or daughter and said, “I love you. I will do nothing to make your place in my life easy for you. I will be unreliable, I will be secretive and hide you, I will cancel dates on you and I will tell you how much more I love you than my wife but I will not leave her, leaving you to doubt everything I say,” would you tell your friend to run? And when that friend comes back after 88 pages and is still in the same limbo she was in back in October. When she has literally lived through six months of absolute torture, would you seriously be advising her to go back? I know you think we are being cruel, but I think we are desperately trying to stop the cycle of pain. I think telling her it’s all going to be okay is enabling a bad situation, honestly. And I think sometimes, you just get to the point that you don’t want to see another living, breathing kind and vulnerable human being not be hurt anymore. Kat, if you are reading this... please take the harsh comments as they are intended. Literally nothing has changed since you walked away from him at the restaurant. In your heart, you know that. Do whatever it takes to let go of this toxic situation. It’s slowly killing you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 (edited) Kat’s eyes may be a little more open now, but she still really wants the fantasy. If she didn’t, she would never be allowing him to contact her and keep the door open. The pain is real. That said, some of the pain is self-inflicted at this point. By answering his call, she chooses to stay in this painful cycle of behaviour. It’s sad, because so many people are cheering for her! So many people have given their precious time and replied in attempt to guide, support, and encourage Kat to walk away and find a happier and healthier path for herself. It’s so frustrating to see you go back, to know that you would take this man back tomorrow if makes himself available. Edited March 20, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 The pain is real. /QUOTE] Yes, the pain is perceived to be real. But we can choose to turn our attention to what actually is real and experience joy instead. This kind of pain provides us with self-importance. We become a martyr without having to do the real work of being an advocate for ourselves. Always an easy choice to love someone else rather than to evaluate whether we truly love ourselves at all. The OW is a better woman in her fantasy than she believes herself to be in real life. I think that's true whether they have too little, or far too much self esteem. Either way, is inauthentic. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 I am the BS... but many years ago I was almost the OW... so I do see how the rose colored glasses mess with logic. And I find that when I have stepped into that “grey area” I need to justify all kinds of bad behavior to make sense of things... so, the black and white keeps me on track to do what’s right. So, really, been there done that... and learned from my own errors. Just a gal here who understands the dynamics way too much to see a fellow poster going for the phoney bait! MM... they are the perfect predators.. don’t continue being his prey! The pain? Yep, it’s there so you don’t keep doing this over and over to yourself. Learn from this and move forward! He keeps you running backwards! No one should compromise their principals in life to be with another person! Stop ALLOWING him to do this to you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 when I have stepped into that “grey area” I need to justify all kinds of bad behavior to make sense of things... MM... they are the perfect predators.. It's easy to see the MM as a predator, but in reality it's mutual. Once in that "grey area" each is preying on the other - and on everyone around them to maintain that area of grey. In the matter of infidelity every "victim" chooses to meet their "predator" half way. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 When I see posters defend that grey area over the years - been here technically since 2005 - it’s always a means to justify behavior they otherwise wouldn’t do. That grey area serves a purpose - to do harm to others. I believe in doing as little harm to myself and to others as possible - by the way I participate. If it causes harm - I shouldn’t consider it... and it’s been a great rule to live by for more than 12 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 What has changed is that I have let go of the anger. It was toxic and doing more harm to me than good. No, what changed is that he called. Said some pretty words and cried a little. That’s all it took! You said you were done and he made a liar of you once again. Serious question: what do you think would happen if you called his BS? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 No, what changed is that he called. Said some pretty words and cried a little. That’s all it took! You said you were done and he made a liar of you once again. Serious question: what do you think would happen if you called his BS? Yep, call her and have an honest conversation with the woman who is bound to get to know you if he keeps his promises. Confirm your future plans with her - so you know for sure to count on his plan - or not! There really is no reason not to contact her - after all, he is ending his marriage right? You have every right to confirm what he’s told you. Seriously, call her! I wish the OW my exH was seeing had called me - I had a right to know what was real. He never intended to divorce me - he just wanted me AND his OW. I caution you - when his OW spot is vacant and you are openly his steady gal - he is VERY likely to fill his OW spot with someone new, again. Some men will always need more than one gal. That you can’t control. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 How are ya doing KitKat? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted April 6, 2019 Author Share Posted April 6, 2019 Hi there. I'm doing ok. Started reading my thread from the beginning. Things are as they should be at this point I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted April 11, 2019 Share Posted April 11, 2019 Ya seeing him a lot again? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 How are you doing? Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 LKK, I know - or guess - that this probably doesn’t feel like the safe space it once did. But please know that wherever you are on the continuum with your relationship, we are still here for you. Yep, we can be a little judgey (speaking for myself), but we do care and can function as a sounding board if that would be helpful. Hugs, GG 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted May 9, 2019 Author Share Posted May 9, 2019 Hi GG, thanks for the hugs and follow up. Your timing is perfect. I am finally woke. We broke up for a month and he came back in tears. Knew I was the one he needed to be with, the one he missed and loved like no one ever. The last 2 months I was cautious. We met for the occasional coffee, dinner or movie. Well maybe not that occasional as we saw each other every Saturday night and once or twice a week besides. But it was all strictly hands off until last Friday. He was adamant he was leaving by June. I questioned him almost daily and he never wavered. He told me the plan was to find and apartment and he even told me about the contacts he would use to secure something for 6-12 months until we decided it was time to move in together. He knew he had some damage to repair with my daughter and he wanted to ease me into an introduction to his kids so as not to put me in the position of being the reason he left their mother. All sounded good. Sunday evening he indicates he is having uncertainty again. Monday morning he says he's pretty confident not within the next month or so as he needs to have a better comfort level about his family. The kids are in flux and he feels he can't disrupt them at this point. Since Sunday, I have had a few conversations with him that have only served to make me more disgusted with him. More importantly, more disgusted with myself for being so stupid and foolish, gullible and naive to believe he was being honest. He still insists he loves me and wants to be with me but then ignores what I say or ask. Was a time I couldn't imagine life without him. Now the thought of him makes my stomach turn. I feel like crap. I truly believed we were different. How could everyone here be right when they didn't know us? Well I guess those that end up here follow a similar trajectory. Those that "succeed" don't post here. They have no reason to. So now he can continue his life totally unscathed and I get to pick up the pieces. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 LKK, While I am glad you came back, I am so sorry he has let you down again. I believe that he wants the abstract of being with you but when it comes right down to the reality, he just can’t do it. Please know that this is not about you; it’s about him. He isn’t who you need him to be. Can you spend some time with your daughter? Just mom and daughter time? That will give you an escape from all of this emotion - the hurt, anger, love and sadness - and give you space to start healing. I am so very sorry. Hugs again, GG Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 Omg LK!! I'm so very sorry, I was hoping your situation would have been different from all the others. I really did. Mm are so very selfish not sure how they allow good women to pine or hurt over them. None of them are worth it!!! They all want the samething until pushed against the wall from the OW or the wife. Then they squirrel their way back home, unscathed is exactly right. We r left damaged and broken. They never emotionally fully attach. All just words that sound meaningful followed up by no action. Same story and same sad ending. You will get over him but it will take a very longtime. Right now, the best thing to do is keep distance so when he reappears you are stronger. They prey on the weak!! I am here for you too!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 As long as you see him/talk to him at all before his divorce is final - he has NO reason to divorce. This is a guy who’s given evidence he wants both women. Hugs to you... please tell yourself you deserve better than the scum he is. He keeps using you because you keep allowing him to. Why talk to him at all? He’s wasting your time and energy. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 We're all only human. Since letting yourself get drawn back in just postpones your full emotional recovery and delays the time when you'll fully have room for something better in your life, you'll probably keep your barriers up next time. Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 (edited) We broke up for a month and he came back in tears. Knew I was the one he needed to be with, the one he missed and loved like no one ever. The last 2 months I was cautious. We met for the occasional coffee, dinner or movie. Well maybe not that occasional as we saw each other every Saturday night and once or twice a week besides. But it was all strictly hands off until last Friday. He was adamant he was leaving by June. Sorry LKK. That really sucks. I feel like as long as you allow yourself to hope, he will disappoint you. I bolded the above because I didn’t understand. I hope you didn’t mean that as soon as you allowed it to be physical, he told you he couldn’t leave... Edited May 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 The kids are in flux and he feels he can't disrupt them at this point. Kids are always "in flux", 30, 40, 50+ yo kids are also "in flux", it is what being a parent is about, it never really ends, always some issue or another. This will never work out as he doesn't want to leave and you don't want to be the OW. He takes you down to the wire every time. "I'm leaving, I'm leaving, I'm leaving... Sorry, not this month, something has come up..." You are no better, "We are finished, we are finished, we are finished... Oh OK lets meet up on Saturday..." 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 Sorry, Kat. I know this is so painful. Just reset and refocus. And really do consider no contact. I know in your mind, it isnt what works for you, but it is how he is able to pull you back in. It is wasting time in healing and time in your life. The best thing I ever did was cut out any contact with my ex that didnt involve our kids or other business we had to deal with. I felt used for awhile after our split. While I kicked him out of the house, he would still come around some days. I felt like ultimately he got what he wanted.... his single life in the city and his family when he feels like it. I wasnt going to be a part time family. It's hurtful and frustrating but I believe the only way to come to terms with everything. Getting him completely out of your life allows you the mental space to see things more clearly. It will hurt like hell. You'll have withdrawals. But it is the quickest way to get to the other side. Please Kat, dont waste more time on a guy who cant definitively put you first. Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 Kat - Wanted to send you some support. I am sorry he has hurt you again. I think a couple months back when we were all urging you not to see him again, it was because we didn’t want to see this inevitable end. I know it is very tough, but hopefully seeing him again for what he is will finally allow you to close the door and put yourself first. I echo Mark in that I believe once you close this chapter of toxicity, you will allow something healthy into your life. I think most OW have been foolish enough to be drawn back in, many multiple times. Even though we made the horrible choice to get involved with MM, doesn’t mean it still isn’t pain. I wish you all the best and hope that you are strong enough to finally block him. It’s clear he won’t respect your boundaries otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
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