Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[PhoenixRising8]

Yup many benefitted from me and still disappeared in the end. Go figure!

[PhoenixRising8]

Update on my fabulous love story:

 

Today is their anniversary. The happy couple went out for dinner and being the prolific poster she is she posted about it complete with pictures of hugs and kisses. If we were talking he would have said "what was I supposed to do? The kids wanted pictures". It's what he said about the one Hawaii picture.

 

He spent a year telling me he doesn't love her, has no physical attraction to her and wants to leave. Initially this may have been at least somewhat true. But the man in the pictures was not awkward, unhappy or uncomfortable. He looked very relaxed and happy. Good for him.

 

He came back because he wanted both. Simple as that. I pushed, he finally caved and admitted he MAY not do it. He was never going to. He was only prolonging his fun. That's definitely the case the last 2 months. I served my purpose. She finally showed him she cared and wanted him. I guess I helped.

 

I played with fire and got burned. He could be the last man on earth and I would run in the other direction. For someone so smart, I was the stupidest woman around for buying his crap. Lesson learned. God I'm disgusted by him and disgusted with myself!!!

 

Yeah I know I shouldn't have looked but I wanted that last bit of proof that this was the right thing to do and I got it.

Edited May 20, 2019 by LilKatKat

[Starswillshine]

Kat, you are right, he came back because he wanted both. And in the past, you have always allowed him to have both.

 

The lines of "what was I supposed to do...." is so common I heard it to when my xWH said things about his OW. When she claimed she was having feelings, he claimed it, too. He upped this even further because as feelings got involved she became more of a risk to him.... and to us. Who knows how much of that is true. I just believed he would say whatever he had to say to both of us to keep both his marriage and his toy all in tact.

 

And likely, he wasnt happy in his marriage. He might have thought she didnt care. But in the aftermath, they see how much the BS does indeed care. And how wrong they were in their justifications. My xWH said something to the effect like, "I knew if you ever found out you would be out of this world angry and divorce me, but I never expected to see this sort of hurt." But he thought he would never get found out.

 

Kat, stop trying to figure out what everything he did or said means. He is a liar and a manipulator. And from the things you have said about him, he sounds like my ex husband. And he did nothing that didnt serve a very specific purpose. He was extremely methodical.

 

And on another note, you can delete all you want... if something was sent on his phone, it can be found. It is how I found out about past OWs from my XWH. An old phone lying around. He deleted everything... and I was able to pull up so much stuff. So dont be so sure.

[PhoenixRising8]

I'm not trying to figure it out any longer. There's nothing to figure out. He thought she didn't care then saw she did with her hurt and anger and then that heartfelt letter for his birthday. My birthday was a week later and we broke up for a couple of days. It was a steady decline since then.

 

Occam's razor. He didn't think she cared but she did. He wanted to leave until he saw she cared. He wasn't ready to let her go, or me. Figured he could keep me in my box. That I was so besotted I would take it forever. Unlike her, I pushed. I questioned. And when he came back in March, it was hands off until the second to last time. Then I guess he figured it was safe to try to put me back in my box. He was wrong. As soon as he waffled I knew and I let him know. I served my purpose. I saved his marriage.

 

But I doubt he will stay faithful. Both are carpet sweepers and the cracks will show again. Then he'll just find another OW because it won't be me. I told him he should refrain from making promises he won't keep so he can keep her longer.

 

I'm done with him. And when I'm done I'm done. This is the first moment of the rest of my life without the albatross of a lying, cheating sphincter around my neck. I trade one toxic excuse of a man for another. Won't be doing that again.

 

Thanks for your support:-)

[FoundMyStrength]

I served my purpose. She finally showed him she cared and wanted him. I guess I helped.

 

 

I do think that this is a key part of it. We serve a purpose for them. Different purpose for different MM. Emotional connection, ego boost, feeling special, some varied sex, thrill of the chase, whatever it is. And once we're not needed anymore, it's not terribly hard for them to let us go.

 

 

 

And I agree, for some MM, the OW does "help" the marriage. For my xMM, at least, I think the fact that he got so close to losing everything - wife, friends, status, reputation - ended up making him see its value.

 

 

Good on you for ditching the albatross.

[DKT3]

Take some time to be on your own. Understand the circumstances it's easy to fall for someone who represents what you've been missing In your marriage and your affair. Getting full in those areas can cause you to over look obvious red flags.

 

When you break it down, that is what most affairs are, getting the things you have been missing. Then its confused for having the perfect guy/girl when in reality you have somethings likely more messed up then the situation you're in.

[PhoenixRising8]

I do think that this is a key part of it. We serve a purpose for them. Different purpose for different MM. Emotional connection, ego boost, feeling special, some varied sex, thrill of the chase, whatever it is. And once we're not needed anymore, it's not terribly hard for them to let us go.

.

 

yup. He often told me the connection we had was like nothing he's ever experienced before. That I made him feel special like no one else had. And I was the love of his life. But the "love of his life" didn't have the history, family or finances intertwined with him. Far easier and safer to stay where he is since he finally got what he wanted: her to show she cared and wanted him. Something to rebuild from. I actually asked him numerous times if he just wanted to get her attention Because if he did want that he got it. This was in November. He always said no.

 

She had already told him her parents got beyond an affair. That was a very specific message. Looks like they'll both move on without dealing with that elephant but I suspect without dealing with what went wrong to begin with they may find themselves there again. Their issue, not mine. I'm just sorry I wasted my time and love on that SOB.

Edited May 20, 2019 by LilKatKat

[S2B]

Kat,

 

All MM who cheat LIE!

 

Stop thinking because he said it - that it’s true!

 

He lies and lies and lies!

 

He said things to get what he needed from you. You kept providing what he needed even after you knew he wasn’t leaving.

 

Heisnt leaving his marriage - know that... and move forward knowing what men do when they use you.

 

Date available men. Get busy. He is still stuck and married.

 

Just ignore him when he comes sniffing around (because he will). He will wait until you’re not so mad anymore - then contact you.

 

You KNOW what you’re gonna get it you contact him again - the same crap he’s given you all along. Don’t do it.

 

Get busy exploring new and nice men!

[Abetterme]

Stay strong Kat. Can you delete him from FB? I know you’re angry and feel done, but even the visual of FB is triggering and I think causes unnecessary pain.

 

I know much better things are in you’re future. He doesn’t deserve you.

[Bittersweetie]

Kat you are never going to know why he did what he did. You will never have an answer in that regard. And that is okay. You don't need the answer. You will be fine. I've mentioned this before in other threads, my best girlfriend, who I considered a sister, ended our friendship suddenly and painfully. For years I wondered why...why did she do what she do? Why did she do that to me? Why why why? I thought finding out the why, understanding why she did what she did, would make my own pain go away.

 

All it did was keep me stuck, keep me in pain, keep me from making new girlfriends. I finally let go of the whys almost fifteen years later, and it was like a weight lifted from me. I wasted so many years and so much energy trying to understand someone I was never going to understand.

 

I know it is hard, but let the whys go. Don't look at the pictures, don't try to figure out what they're thinking and doing. Focus on you and rebuilding your strength. I know it seems like trying to figure things out would help, but IME it's just a waste of mental energy...energy that could be used much more productively and healthily.

 

P.S. I just realized that it's been 25 years since the incident with my girlfriend. And I still do not know why she did what she did. It is what it is. I now have a great group of girlfriends, who are awesome and funny and supportive, and who are, frankly, a much better friend to me than she ever was. Let the whys go. Look forward, not back.

[PhoenixRising8]

Kat,

 

All MM who cheat LIE!

 

Stop thinking because he said it - that it’s true!

 

He lies and lies and lies!

 

He said things to get what he needed from you. You kept providing what he needed even after you knew he wasn’t leaving.

 

Heisnt leaving his marriage - know that... and move forward knowing what men do when they use you.

 

Date available men. Get busy. He is still stuck and married.

 

Just ignore him when he comes sniffing around (because he will). He will wait until you’re not so mad anymore - then contact you.

 

You KNOW what you’re gonna get it you contact him again - the same crap he’s given you all along. Don’t do it.

 

Get busy exploring new and nice men!

 

I don't think what he said is true. Some of it may have been. In the first 6 months, I believe there were more truths than lies. Since our birthdays in November, since that letter, I felt the difference in him. I started doubting in a big way but I gave him the benefit of the doubt because how could he do what he was doing if he really didn't want to leave? Why he came back in March is beyond me and it doesn't even matter. He did and I took him back. That's on me.

 

On some level, I knew he wasn't leaving but I can honestly say that I believed he might which is why I hung in there. My trip late December to mid January did serve its purpose. I did detach to a certain degree. The month long break end of February allowed me to detach more. He kept up quite the show for two months. Adamant he was leaving - guaranteed. Talked about what he was doing to get there. Seeing me 3 and 4 times a week (5 one week) without anything physical. Then the moment it was physical, he started waffling. Guess it was time to put me in my place, except he didn't because In the meantime I noticed he was being more careful not to upset the apple cart at home. If he were leaving, why bother now when he hadn't for a year? So as soon as he said AGAIN he was having uncertainty, I challenged and ultimately said it's time to call a spade a spade. He agreed. Said he may never be able to deliver what he promised, what I deserved because I'm so wonderful, amazing and special.

 

It galls me he even bothered to come back. What was the point other than to extend his fun and hurt me more? Not like he didn't know the hell I'd already been through. Obviously that didn't matter to him in the least.

 

Will he come back again? I hope not. I doubt it. We had a call two weeks ago Saturday night and he was going to call back but didn't. He was going to ghost me except I texted and that was when the spade exchange occurred. We haven't talked since. We texted, mostly me berating him, over the course of a number of days. Yesterday I couldn't restrain myself after seeing the pictures and I texted him that I hope he burns in hell, that I'm disgusted with him and myself for ever loving him. Yes I know, I shouldn't have but it felt good to get it out. So if he ever contacts me again, I will be surprised.

[PhoenixRising8]

Stay strong Kat. Can you delete him from FB? I know you’re angry and feel done, but even the visual of FB is triggering and I think causes unnecessary pain.

 

I know much better things are in you’re future. He doesn’t deserve you.

 

I don't have him on FB, he doesn't use it. She has a public one and posts constantly. I needed to see what she posted to validate to myself my belief he was at least trying to work on the marriage. Further proof he lied every time he said he wasn't. Because he was adamant even in our last call that he had no interest. The only thing it triggered was anger. Anger at him for being such a callous sphincter, anger at myself for being such a gullible, naive fool for at least the last six months. I have no further desire to look. I got what I needed.

[PhoenixRising8]

Kat you are never going to know why he did what he did. You will never have an answer in that regard. And that is okay. You don't need the answer. You will be fine.

 

I'm pretty sure I know why he did what he did. It's fairly clear. He decided to have an affair because the marriage was lifeless and dying. He went looking for an affair and got swept up in it. Decided he was going to leave but it wasn't so easy. He finally got her attention and liked the end result. Went downhill from there but stupid me couldn't just throw in the towel. Now he had two women fawning over him and liked it. He may have preferred me but it's easier to walk away from the side piece than the wife. Fewer complications. Occam's razor.

 

So the only thing I'm questioning now is how I could have ever compromised my own moral compass and lifelong values to the extent I did. Two wrongs (bad marriage &a an affair) don't make a right. I proved that big time. Not quite sure how I forgive myself, or how I ever trust anyone again.

Edited May 20, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[DKT3]

You can analyze his every move but ultimately it serves no purpose. Question is why would you want him anyway? I mean it's like investing your life savings with Bernie Madoff after the Enron scandal. You should know better

[PhoenixRising8]

Who says I want him. The thought of him makes me want to hurl. I was very guarded when we got back together last time. Thought I'd give it one more shot. Only thing I'm analyzing now is how I ever thought 2 wrongs could turn out right and how I could ever have turned my back on my life long values and beliefs. I must really hate myself.

[Bittersweetie]

So the only thing I'm questioning now is how I could have ever compromised my own moral compass and lifelong values to the extent I did. Two wrongs (bad marriage &a an affair) don't make a right. I proved that big time. Not quite sure how I forgive myself, or how I ever trust anyone again.

 

Okay, you figured him out, now it's time to move on to working on yourself, like you stated above. FWIW, on my path, I didn't look at self-forgiveness and trust at first. I looked at my actions and what my thinking was at that time, and how my thinking should have been different. My H called it "peeling the onion." When I figured one thing out, he'd say: "I want more, go back." There were times I'd get so upset because he kept pushing me. But I'm glad he pushed because let me tell you I peeled the heck out of that onion. It was long and hard and painful and I found myself in a much better place on the other side to tackle self-forgiveness and trust.

 

Just like my H's trust was shattered, so was mine in a way...because I'm the one that shattered it. Do I now trust naively 100%? No. Neither does my H. I took that away from both of us. But I do trust. I trust based on words and actions...I look at the whole picture. I recognize my weaknesses from the past and take those into consideration when trusting.

 

As for self-forgiveness, I will be honest and say that now, ten years later, I still don't forgive myself for my actions. I'm not sure if I ever will, and I recognize this and accept it. I also recognize that my actions will always be with me, and I have chosen to acknowledge them, learn from them, and keep them in me to guide my choices in the future. I don't do it in a masochistic way, but my past choices are always there. They are the consequences of my actions: I chose not to rugsweep or ignore, I faced my actions full on. My choice may not be for everyone though, you choose what path is best for you.

 

If it's any consolation, I met my MM on AM. I too gave him a second, a third chance. I made very poor, hurtful, selfish choices. But while those choices are a part of me, they don't define me, I worked through them productively and healthily in order to become a better me. You are starting on that path now, and I believe you can stay on that path. You can do it, one step at a time.

[Amethyst68]

You seem to view the BW with a level of disdain that is undeserved. Every time you mention her it is usually in an unflattering manner or reference. Can I ask why? This woman has done nothing to you personally, if she has done anything it was to act to save a 30 year marriage.

[S2B]

I hope you can let this preoccupation go soon.

 

He did it because he can. You believed him because he was skilled/good at this.

 

I’m certain this wasn’t his first affair and won’t be his last.

 

He’s got other victims in his history.

[PhoenixRising8]

SB2 I'm not preoccupied with him directly. I'm preoccupied with self reflection and analysis. I've been the very sort of person I've despised my entire life and I'm trying to sort through the hows and whys of getting here. He did it because he could. Both of us (BS & I) allowed it. I have to figure out why I did. The same red flags I had with the x, and the way he made me feel are the very behaviours I tolerated with Tom the last 6 months. At least I didn't wait 30 years to get 'woke'.

[PhoenixRising8]

You seem to view the BW with a level of disdain that is undeserved. Every time you mention her it is usually in an unflattering manner or reference. Can I ask why? This woman has done nothing to you personally, if she has done anything it was to act to save a 30 year marriage.

 

I may have had disdain for her but no longer. I feel very sorry for her and am very sorry for being complicit in his betrayal of her. She posted a very loving message with the picture of how she thanks god all their moments together, past, present and future. If only she knew the depth of his betrayal, I wonder if she would still feel that way. Some marriages aren't worth saving. If she thinks saving a marriage with a man who is never home, has a significant affair, threatens to leave her and ditches her on their anniversary and her birthday, who am I to say it isn't worth saving. I don't think he deserves her any more than he deserves me.

[PhoenixRising8]

Okay, you figured him out, now it's time to move on to working on yourself, like you stated above. FWIW, on my path, I didn't look at self-forgiveness and trust at first. I looked at my actions and what my thinking was at that time, and how my thinking should have been different. My H called it "peeling the onion."

 

Thanks for your encouragement and support. I am now trying to figure myself out and how I got here. I thought I had dealt with many of my demons years ago but clearly I was mistaken.

 

Why do we give someone who is committed to someone else multiple chances to hurt us? It's pure insanity. As for AM, never again, even though there are many singles on there. I suspect even the singles just want NSA fun. Definitely not for the feint of heart like me.

Edited May 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Bittersweetie]

Thanks for your encouragement and support. I am now trying to figure myself out and how I got here. I thought I had dealt with many of my demons years ago but clearly I was mistaken.

 

Peel that onion! You can do it. FWIW I'm going in to talk with a therapist later this week. Something happened last month that brought up a lot of anger and resentment for me and while my H has been a great sounding board, I realized I needed more help to deal with things productively. I don't think that one day you wake up and think, "Hey! I'm all fixed now! Hooray!" It's a journey, not a destination...my goal moving forward has been to deal with things using proper coping skills, not the poor ones from the past that got me into messes.

[S2B]

Be ready! He will wait until he knows yourenotas mad anymore and thencontact again...

 

Silence sends the strongest message!!!

[PhoenixRising8]

Be ready! He will wait until he knows yourenotas mad anymore and thencontact again...

 

Silence sends the strongest message!!!

 

I'd like to say the he won't contact me again since I told him a week ago that I hope he burns in hell, but I've said he wouldn't in the past. This board told me he would and were right so never say never. It's been 4 weeks since I've seen him, 3 weeks since I talked to him last and 1 weeks since I unleashed fury by text. I'm pretty much done. Nothing left to be said. I don't even want him back. The man I knew the first half was an illusion; the true man I don't even like, much less love.

 

Night before last I was up til past 4 AM. At 1 AM I had a meltdown and had an overwhelming urge to unleash my angst in text. Before I went to bed I almost called, since he generally rises around 4:30. I restrained myself (pride) and am glad I did. He doesn't need to know when I melt down.

 

So in just over a year I started an affair, ended a marriage, ended an affair and lost my job about a week before we broke up. It's been quite a roller coaster ride.

Edited May 24, 2019 by LilKatKat

[Naivewomen]

@S2B why does this happen??? Why do they do this?? Mine waited 4 months and has been reappearing periodically. Parts of me thinks he just doesnt want me over him and the other piece thinks he really doesnt want me happy at all. I agree Lilkat he will be back with some sorry ass excuse as to needed time to breath.