Naivewomen Posted May 28, 2019 Share Posted May 28, 2019 Lilkat, your greatest revenge amd power is to let him fully go. Don't ever even give him the satisfaction that you cared. By staying away and avoiding him at all costs he will believe he himself wasnt worth it. He should not be worth the fight or another thought consuming your mind. He came into your life for a reason other than the hurt look at the things you have learned from this experience with him. You wont make these decisions again. You will be happier and a better lover!! I cant wait for you to report here that you REALLY fell in love with a REAL man. Just be patient, kind and loving to yourself, you are going through a breakup and it's awful. You dont need revenge. Hugs to you! Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted May 28, 2019 Share Posted May 28, 2019 Kat, I went through a time where I wanted revenge too. I think it was more about projecting the anger I had at myself onto MM than me wanting to actually mess up his life. I held off on doing/saying anything and am glad I did, because I eventually got past any urges for revenge. There's no longer any need for me to waste any mental energy on him or his situation, I'm focused on all the things I have going for me. I don't care if he's paying for his choices or if he got away with everything. He means nothing to me. I'd suggest holding off on doing anything, to see where you are in six months, a year, longer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted May 28, 2019 Share Posted May 28, 2019 Lilkat, your greatest revenge amd power is to let him fully go. Don't ever even give him the satisfaction that you cared. By staying away and avoiding him at all costs he will believe he himself wasnt worth it. He should not be worth the fight or another thought consuming your mind. He came into your life for a reason other than the hurt look at the things you have learned from this experience with him. You wont make these decisions again. You will be happier and a better lover!! I cant wait for you to report here that you REALLY fell in love with a REAL man. Just be patient, kind and loving to yourself, you are going through a breakup and it's awful. You dont need revenge. Hugs to you! I think a more important thing to read would be that she report here that a man REALLY fell in love with her and was free to do so. Hopefully that will be when she is free from her husband in order to REALLY love him back. I don't mean to appear to be targeting here but as I said earlier, its unlikely that she will find that kind of love and relationship until she is free to have one like that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted May 28, 2019 Author Share Posted May 28, 2019 @beer ... I AM free, despite what you think. I have explained my rationale and a secure, rational man will understand. But at this point, another man is the LAST thing on my mind. I've read your posts on other threads and find a common denominator in all of them. You post nothing of use or value so keep posting away. You are now on permanent "mute". Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted May 28, 2019 Share Posted May 28, 2019 Your point? I haven't done anything to them that warrants revenge. If you can't see where you are being disloyal to your husband, making yourself a victim and framing the MM as an evil doer whom you knew was married when you got with him then there is no point in me explaining. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted May 28, 2019 Author Share Posted May 28, 2019 The marriage has been over for years before the physical parting of ways over a year ago. What part of that is difficult to understand? I am "disloyal" to a worthless piece of paper. The ex is making his attempts at dating. Everything is for convenience only. It may not be right for you but it works for us. As for MM, he doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to do what he would like to. He has put a lot of time and effort in, more so than me. He was the one doing hour and a half round trips 3-5 times a week to be with me, not the other way around. If he had a backbone where his wishbone resides, things might have ended differently. That's his issue. What I know is that his marriage isn't suddenly going to be good because they both are rug sweepers. And he will continue to have as much, ultimately possible more, dissatisfaction with his marriage. Again that's his problem and his choice if he isn't going to do anything one way or the other (work on the marriage or leave). All I know is, I have the ability to find happiness whereas he doesn't unless he actually finds the balls to do something. In the end, I'm happy I'm me and not in his position. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted May 28, 2019 Share Posted May 28, 2019 @beer ... I AM free, despite what you think. I have explained my rationale and a secure, rational man will understand. But at this point, another man is the LAST thing on my mind. I'm glad another man is the last thing on your mind. That secure rational man you speak of won't want any type of permanency with another man's wife. I was separated from my exH for five years (living completely separate lives with no financial entanglements), and during that time men who were looking for serious relationships weren't interested in me. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted May 28, 2019 Author Share Posted May 28, 2019 Thanks for sharing your experience BT. Definitely something to consider for the future. For now, I need me time, to figure me out and what I want, without a man. Haven't done a great job picking them in any case. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted May 28, 2019 Share Posted May 28, 2019 I'm glad another man is the last thing on your mind. That secure rational man you speak of won't want any type of permanency with another man's wife. I was separated from my exH for five years (living completely separate lives with no financial entanglements), and during that time men who were looking for serious relationships weren't interested in me. My Best Friend had this issue as well. She and her husband had never divorced. It was filed, but never finalized. Everything g was already split. They lives separately for over 5 years. They both openly dated freely but a couple of guys that she wanted to get serious with bolted when she told them she was married. To some, it matters. Matters big time. Also, this couple is in their 50s. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted May 28, 2019 Share Posted May 28, 2019 Thanks for sharing your experience BT. Definitely something to consider for the future. For now, I need me time, to figure me out and what I want, without a man. Haven't done a great job picking them in any case. You'll get there, Kat. They are out there, I promise. Right now, focus on the things that make you happy that isnt a relationship. That is what got me going. I had a huge list of so many things I wanted to do. With friends and alone. Refocus on yourself. And get excited about it. You raised a daughter to adulthood and otherwise dont have much responsibility. I know you said you got laid off, but you seem ok financially... sell what you can, live cheap and travel (that is what I would do if I didnt have the responsibilities but not everyone likes that). Anyway, you'll get there. It is just time. And you'll come to love yourself and love your life man-free. And that in itself attracts.... and it sometimes attracts the RIGHT people. Because brokeb attracts broken. Link to post Share on other sites
Beendaredonedat Posted May 28, 2019 Share Posted May 28, 2019 (edited) @beer ... I AM free, despite what you think. Doesn't matter what I think but you appear to be in denial about how a good man will perceive you. You will more likely than not end up with men that just looking for fun and will tell you what you want to hear to get it and once again you will find yourself hurt and the author of a gazillion page thread perpetuating your denial. I have explained my rationale and a secure, rational man will understand. Yes, he will understand that you are good for a bed partner or an activity partner but he will see that he can't commit to you because you are not free to commit to. A "rational" man may get with you but chances that a good man getting with you seriously are slim. But at this point, another man is the LAST thing on my mind. When you are still processing last relationship baggage then that is the best thing for your emotional self. I've read your posts on other threads and find a common denominator in all of them. You post nothing of use or value so keep posting away. You are now on permanent "mute". I'm posting things of value, unfortunately you're just not ready to hear them but others seem to be seeing the value in the advice considering the thanks I've received on them. Sorry if the logical way I've looked at things has offended you. Edited May 28, 2019 by Beendaredonedat 2 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted May 29, 2019 Share Posted May 29, 2019 Sorry if the logical way I've looked at things has offended you. I don't think it's logical to believe that you speak for all "good men." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted May 29, 2019 Share Posted May 29, 2019 Maybe “all good men” is an exaggeration but the general point is sound. If I were a mature single person, I would be *very* wary of someone who told me they were married in name only. I just wouldn’t take the risk. It’s too soon now to worry about this, of course. You need to work on yourself first. Get into therapy (with a real therapist who doesn’t share her own bullsh*t), work on developing a support system, and heal from these last relationships. But at some point, if you really want to move on and meet a quality person - the kind of person you won’t find on AM - you’ll need to address your marital status. Wishing you the best, as always. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 29, 2019 Share Posted May 29, 2019 (edited) Big difference between not wanting to get married, and wanting to get seriously involved with a woman who is still married to and financially bound up with another man... Fine for fun and sex, but many men (and women) do not really want an ex hanging around forever, it is not as if it is one of these happy friendly mutual arrangements. Edited May 29, 2019 by elaine567 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted May 30, 2019 Author Share Posted May 30, 2019 (edited) So I've been reading a there is 'Destabilization Phase' on here this week. I actually laughed out loud. The first real laugh in weeks. This is what I Laughed at: 'He's a less than average, non-descript man of sub-par intellect leading a nominal existence in a family that is shooting solidly toward mediocrity and missing.' Except for the non-descript and sub par intellect part, it could be describing xMM. xMM is attractive and intelligent but has not achieved his potential, because I guess mediocrity is sufficient. Just like his loveless, Lifeless marriage lol. We are now 5 weeks out from our last in person visit, 4 weeks out from our last telephone conversation and 2 weeks out from my last text rant. I have spent those weeks with 1 or 2 therapy sessions per week and very much inside my head. This past week, there have been so many ah ha moments. I have now deleted our pictures and messages from my phone, but I did transfer them all to a USB. I was going to send it to him but decided I don't want to give him everything on a silver platter to use against me. And I don't want to give his ego a boost thinking I did all of this because I'm pining for him, which I most definitely am not. Not sure what to do with the USB as a funeral for the affair. Any suggestions? Next Friday will be the one year mark of the first 'I love you's. I am planning on returning the piece of jewelry he gave me at our 3 week mark. No note (although I considered writing one but that would be too much effort), just pop it in the mail. It will be ridding myself of the last physical vestige of our 'relationship'. Edited May 30, 2019 by LilKatKat Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 First, good for you for starting to refer to him as Xmm. Second, I really think you should just throw the necklace out instead of sending it to him. Otherwise it looks to him like a transparent attempt to get a reaction, and I would not give him the satisfaction of knowing that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 Give necklace to a charity shop. As for the USB, I would keep it in a safe spot, may be good to look at it a few years down the line when you are older and wiser... Some inspiration for that novel... Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted May 30, 2019 Author Share Posted May 30, 2019 I suppose I wanted to return it so that he would not think I was holding on to it and him. Thought that might send a message I've closed the door so he isn't tempted to come sniffing around again when his frustration and dissatisfaction with his life takes hold again. That was my thinking. And yes, this episode may be a novel in the making lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 LiliKat, Important reminder that he does not give a rat's ass what you are thinking/wanting or where your head is at. It's all about his needs. He will contact you again when and if it suits him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 I think he will think you are opening that door again, by returning the necklace. There is no need for you to return it and by doing so you are again resuming some kind of a communication. You will then be waiting for a reaction from him. Best to stay in the dark 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 Agree completely with the above. Don’t send anything. It won’t come across how you think it will. And by the way, when you’re REALLY done with him you’ll know because you won’t have the desire to send him any kind of message. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 Kat, please do not send him back the bracelet. Your irrational thoughts scramble with things to to cause him some type of hurt. The best thing and only way to hurt him back is to go stone cold. Disappear completely from his world. The very first attempt my XMM made was 4 months after it ended. What upset him the most was I didn't reach out!! He said, "I cant believe you moved on so quickly!" Stay silent and it will help you build up strength against him upon his return. It's really the only way!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 Kat, is there some motivation in having his wife find out by sending the necklace? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted May 31, 2019 Author Share Posted May 31, 2019 There is absolutely no motivation other than return it but I never intended to mail it to his house. I was going to send it to his office. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 If it has monetary value, sell it. Or take it to the pawn shop. Or give it to someone who would like it. Don't reopen communication by sending it to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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