Author PhoenixRising8 Posted May 30, 2019 Author Share Posted May 30, 2019 (edited) So I've been reading a there is 'Destabilization Phase' on here this week. I actually laughed out loud. The first real laugh in weeks. This is what I Laughed at: 'He's a less than average, non-descript man of sub-par intellect leading a nominal existence in a family that is shooting solidly toward mediocrity and missing.' Except for the non-descript and sub par intellect part, it could be describing xMM. xMM is attractive and intelligent but has not achieved his potential, because I guess mediocrity is sufficient. Just like his loveless, Lifeless marriage lol. We are now 5 weeks out from our last in person visit, 4 weeks out from our last telephone conversation and 2 weeks out from my last text rant. I have spent those weeks with 1 or 2 therapy sessions per week and very much inside my head. This past week, there have been so many ah ha moments. I have now deleted our pictures and messages from my phone, but I did transfer them all to a USB. I was going to send it to him but decided I don't want to give him everything on a silver platter to use against me. And I don't want to give his ego a boost thinking I did all of this because I'm pining for him, which I most definitely am not. Not sure what to do with the USB as a funeral for the affair. Any suggestions? Next Friday will be the one year mark of the first 'I love you's. I am planning on returning the piece of jewelry he gave me at our 3 week mark. No note (although I considered writing one but that would be too much effort), just pop it in the mail. It will be ridding myself of the last physical vestige of our 'relationship'. Edited May 30, 2019 by LilKatKat Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 First, good for you for starting to refer to him as Xmm. Second, I really think you should just throw the necklace out instead of sending it to him. Otherwise it looks to him like a transparent attempt to get a reaction, and I would not give him the satisfaction of knowing that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 Give necklace to a charity shop. As for the USB, I would keep it in a safe spot, may be good to look at it a few years down the line when you are older and wiser... Some inspiration for that novel... Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted May 30, 2019 Author Share Posted May 30, 2019 I suppose I wanted to return it so that he would not think I was holding on to it and him. Thought that might send a message I've closed the door so he isn't tempted to come sniffing around again when his frustration and dissatisfaction with his life takes hold again. That was my thinking. And yes, this episode may be a novel in the making lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 LiliKat, Important reminder that he does not give a rat's ass what you are thinking/wanting or where your head is at. It's all about his needs. He will contact you again when and if it suits him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 I think he will think you are opening that door again, by returning the necklace. There is no need for you to return it and by doing so you are again resuming some kind of a communication. You will then be waiting for a reaction from him. Best to stay in the dark 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 Agree completely with the above. Don’t send anything. It won’t come across how you think it will. And by the way, when you’re REALLY done with him you’ll know because you won’t have the desire to send him any kind of message. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 When I was done and over my exH - I literally gave away so much stuff - including expensive stuff! What I didn’t give away I donated and threw out. It was VERY freeing letting go of my past!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 Kat, please do not send him back the bracelet. Your irrational thoughts scramble with things to to cause him some type of hurt. The best thing and only way to hurt him back is to go stone cold. Disappear completely from his world. The very first attempt my XMM made was 4 months after it ended. What upset him the most was I didn't reach out!! He said, "I cant believe you moved on so quickly!" Stay silent and it will help you build up strength against him upon his return. It's really the only way!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 Kat, is there some motivation in having his wife find out by sending the necklace? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted May 31, 2019 Author Share Posted May 31, 2019 There is absolutely no motivation other than return it but I never intended to mail it to his house. I was going to send it to his office. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 If it has monetary value, sell it. Or take it to the pawn shop. Or give it to someone who would like it. Don't reopen communication by sending it to him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 If him imagining that the necklace still means something to you is bothering you, it sounds like you want/need a gesture that will take your power back. What do you want him to know? -that you reject him? -that it's really over? -that you're ok without him? I spent a lot of time thinking that the correct gesture would give me closure and peace, and it didn't really work out that way, though I had a lot of fun trying. What I needed to do was speak to the vulnerable part inside of me that was hurt. Telling him, "I REJECT YOU!" might feel good in the moment. But I think what's underneath it is, "I feel foolish and rejected." Anger is a nice mask to hide our vulnerabilities behind, and it's useful when it is a catalyst to get out us out of bad situations. But anger will not heal us. Personally I wouldn't send the necklace because it resets the clock to zero for contact. And you cannot control how he views the gesture or reacts. You want him to feel the way that you do because that feels fair, but even if you could engineer his feeling that way, it wouldn't take away your pain and shame. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 I am curious. You mentioned "taking revenge", and that "revenge is best served cold" earlier in the thread. What were you contemplating? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 If it has monetary value, sell it. Or take it to the pawn shop. Or give it to someone who would like it. Don't reopen communication by sending it to him. I agree, pawn it. Use what little money you get to get a pedicure or a facial. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 There is absolutely no motivation other than return it but I never intended to mail it to his house. I was going to send it to his office. We dont send people "messages" and not expect a reply. I believe if your only intention were to get rid of it, it would already be in file 13. I believe you are in some way expecting a response. This is classic bargaining and part of the process. Throw the thing out and be done with it, it's just more energy wasted. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted May 31, 2019 Author Share Posted May 31, 2019 I had intended to send it with no message, just the piece. I suppose I didn't want him thinking I'm holding on to it for sentimental reasons. It was my 'I let it go' move. As for my revenge, well let's just say it involves a bit of online catfishing lol but it would actually take who knows how long to have 'the stars align' and some effort, neither time nor effort I'm inclined to put in. But I can dream, right? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 Let it go by getting rid of it but nothing that includes him. He will reach out if you send it to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 Kat, your biggest revenge is to find true happiness outside of him when the time is right and you are fully healed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted June 7, 2019 Author Share Posted June 7, 2019 So it's Friday June 7. One year ago today, we said "I love you" or the first time. And the last 24 hours I haven't been OK. It's been more than a month of the new normal. I've had the odd meltdown but mostly I've been OK. The last 24 hours have just been really hard. The thought of being with him or anywhere near him makes me shudder. So it isn't even that I miss him or want to see him. I'm just overwhelmed and I don't know why. I don't know why I have this heaviness inside or why I want to scream and bawl my eyes out. I know I just have to push through but dang, this is hard Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 (edited) Healing is not linear. I am really sorry you are having a rough day today. It is always a process and never an easy one. Hugs. Edited June 8, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 It is hard, but you will make it through. Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted June 7, 2019 Share Posted June 7, 2019 I’m sorry today is tough Kat. Tomorrow is a new day. It’s not rational, but those anniversary days can be rough. Thinking of you. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 Time for some distractions. If you're still feeling this way tomorrow, hit a coffee shop or someplace similar and find some people to socialize with. Or break out the Breaking Bad CDs. Hit the gym. Something... Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted June 8, 2019 Share Posted June 8, 2019 (edited) You’re grieving the person you thought he was one year ago. That is natural. And it’s hard. I’m sorry he’s not the person he portrayed himself to be. Edited June 8, 2019 by sagamore Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts