Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[PhoenixRising8]

So it continues to be tough. I thought the roller coaster would come to a stop with the end of the affair but the highs and lows continue. More lows than highs truth be told.

 

I am out of captivity and free for the first time in my adult life. Freedom is overwhelming. You can do whatever you want but at this point I don't know what that is. Yesterday I stressed all day about going out in the evening. I almost backed out but ended up going out ... alone. I went to a disco party and actually had a good time dancing to all the oldies of my youth. I listened to "I'm coming Out" on and off during the day. It was my coming out of sorts. Jumped out of my seat to dance when the band played it lol.

 

And then the train ride home ... alone. Woke up this morning in a very melancholy mood. Tonight I'm supposed to go to another singles dance and feeling much like I did yesterday. I would rather just curl up on the couch watching TV but I know that will just keep me stuck. Tomorrow I'm going to a street festival with a guy I met on a dating site last fall (not AM). He isn't my type in the least and we've agreed we enjoy each other's company as friends so we've gotten together last 4 weekends just for coffee, a walk or some tennis.

 

I'm trying but it doesn't seem to be getting easier. It isn't even that I miss him, much less want him back. The thought of us last year really makes me queasy. I just feel like I've hit rock bottom and don't know how to claw my way out.

[heartwhole2]

I'm very proud of the way you're getting yourself out there in more ways than one.

 

This is not going to be an easy time. You removed yourself from the toxic situation(s) but now you have to heal. There's no way around it . . . you just have to go through it. You have anger and hurt to process and there aren't any short-cuts.

 

Hang in there. It's OK to cocoon and rest as well. I like that you are getting yourself up and out into the real world, and I think that with time that will feel more natural, but if you need some time to veg out at home, that's OK too.

[sagamore]

Kat, you’re simply awesome. I’m finding you so inspiring! Here’s the thing: of course you are hitting bottom. You totally cushioned the blow from the end of your marriage by diving into this affair. Even the later drama served as a distraction. Now, you’re coping with the end of your marriage for the first time, as well as your relationship with MM. Plus the whole reason you were vulnerable to these kinds of bad relationships is that you didn’t have the support system you are building now.

 

I don’t know whether this is helpful or disspiriting, but I would give yourself about a year to start feeling measurably better. Know that you’re going to have ups and downs, and the anniversaries are going to suck. But you are making HUGE progress. The actions come first, and then the mind follows. Much love to you.

[Starswillshine]

Kat, while you might not feel like this, you are making progress.

 

You went out. Be proud of yourself. You have fun. It is ok to sometimes just take a break from the constant push forward. Dont beat yourself up over that and dont feel like you will never get through if you take a break.

 

You need to feel the emotions. I agree with the previous poster, you kinda just delayed all the emotions of everything else in your life with the distraction of this affair. So it is hitting you all at once. It may not feel like it, but it does get better... especially since now you are starting to deal with it.

 

Growth is hard. Accepting harsh realities even harder. But the lessons learned and the strength found is rewarding. You may not look back on this part of your life with a lot of fondness or feel proud of it, but one day you will be proud of the woman you became despite it. The woman you came out as.

 

It's hard. It hurts. There is no way around it. Wish there was a magic pill. The only way out is through, and you are getting through it!!!!!

Edited June 24, 2019 by Starswillshine
Fingers slower than brain

[S2B]

You know what they say... when you hit bottom “stop digging”!

 

But in all fairness... you don’t just get out of the hole and start running - you crawl out slowly with caution and start looking around...then slowly move towards your goal.

 

Of course you miss him - he created this grand illusion - a false sense of excitement based on fantasies.

 

It’s great you’re trying out new things!

 

None may be awesome but eventually it’s possible one may be a good fit.

 

You’re making effort and that’s what’s important!

[PhoenixRising8]

I'm very proud of the way you're getting yourself out there in more ways than one.

 

This is not going to be an easy time. You removed yourself from the toxic situation(s) but now you have to heal. There's no way around it . . . you just have to go through it. You have anger and hurt to process and there aren't any short-cuts.

 

Hang in there. It's OK to cocoon and rest as well. I like that you are getting yourself up and out into the real world, and I think that with time that will feel more natural, but if you need some time to veg out at home, that's OK too.

 

Thank you heartwhole. I wish I felt proud of myself but I don't. Not in any way. I'm not even angry anymore. I don't have the energy. I'm just exhausted.

 

I can't continue to cocoon. I've been doing it for 2 months now. Going out alone isn't easy. It takes a lot out of me. So much so that I just couldn't find the emotional energy to go out on Saturday. Meanwhile, I'm sure both xH and xMM are living their life as though they never hurt me or even that I existed.

 

But in the end, I have no one to blame but myself. I did something I never thought I would, never should have. I've come to realize that the affair was not just an exit affair. It was also revenge. I broke up with xH in the first year we were together when I found out he was cheating on me. I told him 'I want better; I need better and I deserve better'. Guess I showed him, huh? Where the hell did that woman go? I guess slowly but surely, throughout the last half of the marriage, while I was twisting myself into a pretzel trying to keep the marriage going, that strong woman with clear boundaries disappeared. I wonder if she will ever reappear.

Edited June 26, 2019 by LilKatKat

[BaileyB]

You’ll get there Kat.

 

A caterpillar doesn’t turn into a butterfly over night... it takes time.

[PhoenixRising8]

Kat, you’re simply awesome. I’m finding you so inspiring! Here’s the thing: of course you are hitting bottom. You totally cushioned the blow from the end of your marriage by diving into this affair. Even the later drama served as a distraction. Now, you’re coping with the end of your marriage for the first time, as well as your relationship with MM. Plus the whole reason you were vulnerable to these kinds of bad relationships is that you didn’t have the support system you are building now.

 

I don’t know whether this is helpful or disspiriting, but I would give yourself about a year to start feeling measurably better. Know that you’re going to have ups and downs, and the anniversaries are going to suck. But you are making HUGE progress. The actions come first, and then the mind follows. Much love to you.

 

Awesome and inspiring ... WOW. never thought anyone would use those words to describe me these days, but thank you. It means a lot.

 

I am not stressing over my marriage in the least. That was done long ago. It's not even the end of the affair I'm regretting or mourning. At least I don't think I am. I am really mourning the death of me as I knew myself. I'm not sure how I can say I value strong morals, honesty and integrity when the last year has shown the exact opposite.

 

Until September, I didn't really proces all of this. It was only when he told BS he wanted to leave that things started to slowly hit me and just got worse over the next 7 months. I wish I had told him then to figure his $h1t out and call me when he does but I didn't. My daughter was moving out of town and the thought of losing her and him just scared me to death. Guess I'm paying for that now.

[PhoenixRising8]

Kat, while you might not feel like this, you are making progress.

 

It's hard. It hurts. There is no way around it. Wish there was a magic pill. The only way out is through, and you are getting through it!!!!!

 

If there is progress, it is slow indeed. And excruciating. Most times I just feel paralyzed and stuck. I read the active threads and I see myself in some of them. I guess all us fOWs do. Our horoscope (2 Scorpios - not that I believe horoscopes but read for fun) said the combination would be either heaven or hell. It was both. Too bad my crystal ball was broken because I would gladly have given up the heaven part had I known what waited for me after.

[PhoenixRising8]

 

Of course you miss him - he created this grand illusion - a false sense of excitement based on fantasies.

 

 

It isn't him I miss. There are so many reasons why he and I are not a long term fit. He may be intelligent but but he is not as cerebral. if that makes any sense. I like to read, write, learn ... I like to discuss world events and happenings, I like the arts (live theatre, concerts etc). Give him a gym, a bike and a sporting event on TV and he's happy. Add to that the extremely needy 'kids' and BS and our life together would have revolved primarily around them. There are other factors too. It isn't what I want for myself. His ability to shut down is not unlike xH and that's not something I want to repeat. All begs the question: what the hell was I thinking?

[heartwhole2]

 

I am not stressing over my marriage in the least. That was done long ago. It's not even the end of the affair I'm regretting or mourning. At least I don't think I am. I am really mourning the death of me as I knew myself. I'm not sure how I can say I value strong morals, honesty and integrity when the last year has shown the exact opposite.

 

Until September, I didn't really proces all of this. It was only when he told BS he wanted to leave that things started to slowly hit me and just got worse over the next 7 months. I wish I had told him then to figure his $h1t out and call me when he does but I didn't. My daughter was moving out of town and the thought of losing her and him just scared me to death. Guess I'm paying for that now.

 

I highly recommend Desmond Tutu's Book of Forgiving. There's a chapter about forgiving yourself. Everyone is deserving of forgiveness; I do believe that. It's a testament to your conscience that you won't grant it to yourself without first holding yourself accountable.

 

I interacted with OW once, three years after DDay. She told me that forgiving herself was a long and hard road. I told her that I was glad that she was able to find compassion for herself, since it's often much easier to have compassion for others than for ourselves. I am confident that if you keep walking this road, you will find the peace that comes from forgiving yourself. We are amazing creatures and we are capable of redemption and growth.

 

It's true that when you play stupid games, you win stupid prizes. There's no way around the fact that you played a very stupid game. It's good and right to take the time to process why you went down that road so that you will steer clear of anything like it in the future. But the good news is that you get to play new games now, good games with good prizes.

[Hope71]

LKK...

 

I’m a new poster here. I just caught up with this thread. Thank you for sharing your story . Even though it ended the way it did, you still left with your dignity intact..and I’m happy to see you’re coming out better and more resolved. Please keep us posted on how you’re doing. We do care!! ?

[Lovingme2019]

This is my first post on LS :

LKK, I’m not sure if you are still reading/posting here but I thought I’d share in hopes that you are. Our stories have so many similarities. I think a lot of the MM/OW stories follow a similar path. I wish I had found LS years ago! I just wanted to give you some encouragement and let you know that it will get better, it takes time and it’s a slow process. I was OW to MM our A was a little over 4 years (be thankful you didn’t spend that amount of time in an A)

Some similarities-

-I was also M when we initially met and within a year was separated (not due to the A but realizing I was capable of such a relationship I decided it was time to end my M)

-3.5 years of “love bombing me” literally was perfect in every way - he would buy sweet and thoughtful gifts, iron my work clothes while I got ready for the day, leave sweet love notes for me to find, we would talk for hours, laugh at the same things (aside from the A aspect, which I know is huge we were “perfect” together)

-We went on dates, regular vacations, grocery shopping, he was very involved with my friends/family, he stayed with me when my kids were with their father. Our A wasn’t hidden (at least on my end)

Some Differences

-His W knew about the A ( DDay was about a yr into the A) then multiple DDays that same year. W never attempted to contact me and A went on same as before and his M deteriorated as time went on.

-MM told me his plans to leave M shortly after I separated from my H. He sold marital home shortly after DD2. Something always came up that prevented him from leaving (sick family, lost job, holidays, birthdays, etc)

-MM did not take a family trip while we were together

-MM separated from his W and the 3 yr mark and got his own place.

-I was not MM first affair, he’s had at least 3 LTA and multiple short term affairs

 

Many on here say it and it’s very true even if they leave they are very likely to go back to the W. After 6 months that’s exactly what happened. During the 6 months I learned what it was probably like to be in the W shoes..the first several months were great. He seemed happy with his decision and things were great with us. Then I found some things while I was cleaning up at his place one day and my heart sank to the floor(I found evidence that he had or was most likely cheating on me, ha imagine! ) Of course I talked to him about it and he dismissed it but in the back of my mind I knew something was up. I accepted his explanation and essentially told him he gets 1 chance of having the benefit of the doubt. I was naive to believe a MM who was known to have previous A’s had found his “all” with me. The next few months were the worst, he would go days without speaking to me, I had no clue what was going on. This is a man that talked to me nonstop for 3.5 years. So I didn’t chase him, I thought if this is where he wants to be then this is where he will be nothing I say or do will change his mind. I also thought he may be having a difficult time with the separation and just wasn’t ready to talk about it. Anyway he seemed to get back to his normal self and things were going ok. We went on an amazing trip to Hawaii for 2 weeks. When we returned things were not the same (I have no clue as to what happened) and within a week he had moved. He didn’t tell me he was moving just disappeared. I came by to check on something and the neighbor told me he had moved the day before. I was devastated but the way he behaved helped push me forward and begin to move on. I could believe after almost 4 years he could just disappear...I didn’t text, call absolutely nothing. Then about 6 weeks later I got a very long letter from him. I won’t get into detail of all the letter said but he did put in there he’d gone back to the M but it wasn’t where he wanted to be and the next 15 pages were all the reasons he wanted to be with me. Let’s just say this ticked me off more than ever, he was essentially saying he wanted to stay M and have me as the OW..again. There was no other way to interpret the whole mess. So guess what, I contacted his W (I initially confirmed they were together again, apologized for my part everything and told her he had reached out again and that I wanted no part of an A or being OW ever again and if she wanted I’d give her a copy of what I had.) I wasn’t going to just send it unless it was information she wanted (the things he said about her in that letter were awful) She wanted a copy and I sent it to her (screen shots and sent via text) then she i I spoke back and forth most of the day and into the evening about the entire affair right up until present day.

 

Here is what I can say after having all sides of the information. MM was truthful with me about his M. I confirmed everything I ever doubted with her and was surprised with her honesty about it. I found that while they were separated he went back and stayed at their home when things were “off” with he and I, I had no idea that happened. I told her I felt he was likely seeing someone else and she didn’t have much to say about that. She had no idea about the previous A’s (he told me she knew about them) She asked that I contact her in the future if he ever reached out to me again, that she was committed to making their M work because she loved him. I agreed to do that and apologized again. I did tell her I needed to send one last message and that I’d be done and I’d include her if she liked, she said she didn’t want to be included. I sent him a message and told him I couldn’t believe he would be so selfish to sent me something like that while going back to his M. I was moving on and apparently he was too so why even go there. I blocked him from my email, my phone and all social media that day (9 months ago to be exact) I haven’t heard anything from him, didn’t and don’t expect to. But I will say that going NC and blocking is so much better, you aren’t “looking out” for a message or a call. If he can’t reach me there is nothing for me to be looking for. I feel if he really wanted to contact me he would, he knows where I live where I work. He also knows that I will contact his W if he ever tries again and I believe that is what keeps him away. I never did that before never thought I would do that but I knew it was the only way for me to “break the cycle”. I do believe MM had true feelings for me but at the end of it all that doesn’t matter. A mutual friend that knows them recently told me they are still together and that they’ve moved to a new home to get a “fresh start” I hope they figure a way to work it out, I really do. Unfortunately for the W I believe he will find another AP, the friend told me he still doesn’t wear a wedding ring, still travels frequently for work and seems as if the entire situation has been swept under the rug. I asked the friend not to mention any of it to me again, I can’t and won’t hear about their life, it’s painful to hear and I’m moving forward.

 

I can tell you the first months were extremely difficult, trying to understand how someone so close to me who professed to care for me so much could treat me so terribly. I went to IC (still go just not as frequent) I’ve learned I can’t control anything anyone else does, only myself. I accept that and I will not try to dissect the mess it will only take me to a terrible place mentally and emotionally. I started taking some classes and going to the gym. I got in fantastic shape (not that I wasn’t before but self improvement is always a good thing) I promised myself I would not get involved in a relationship for at least a year. I need to spend at least that amount of time focusing on and loving me! Is it hard at times, oh yes absolutely! It is quiet and lonely, yes! I can say I’m in a much better place and can see that relationship for the disaster that was surely coming, I would have become the W with the cheating H and been policing and full of anxiety over what he may be doing behind my back. I believe my MM has the mentality as long as he was good to me and treated me well while we were together it shouldn’t matter what he does when physically apart, I believe that is his mentality in his M. He’s entitled and that is not the type of person I want to share and spend my life together with. It has taken me a long time to get to this place but you will get there too.

[Scarlet86]

@Lovingme2019 mine too did something drastic at the end when things felt “off”. He kissed me goodbye, told me he loved me and then went outside and changed his phone number to never speak to me again. I plan on getting to some therapy. Do you find it has helped?

[Lovingme2019]

@ Scarlet86, I’m so sorry. How long was your A? It definitely helped. It was really difficult initially (I wanted to know the whys regarding MM) My IC said we couldn’t and wouldn’t attempt to guess what was going on with MM. She spent a lot of time on the whys for me and that has created a lot of personal growth and allowed me to heal in a healthy way. I hope someday to get to a place of indifference regarding MM but I’m just not there yet, IC said that just takes time. I did seek out an IC that specializes in infidelity (she also works with married couples that have dealt with infidelity) I think that makes a difference as well.

[Scarlet86]

@lovingme2019 10 months where we had 6 different D Days! It’s been 6 weeks since he walked out the door and I so wish I could get to indifference. I wave back and forth between rage and sadness. I have a referral out for free therapy through work so I’m not sure who I will end up with. I really hope it is someone that understands our situation.

[Lovingme2019]

@ scarlet68 10 months and 6 DDays, wow. Just try to keep the focus on yourself ( I KNOW how hard that is) but the more you focus on MM the slower the healing will be. It took me a while to get there and I’m still not fully there. My IC suggested if I have a thought/memory only allow myself 10min with it and then move on. Initially she had me write down the thought/memory then put it away. She explained that the memory is similar to a “to do” list and sometimes you need to write it down to get the brain to move forward. This acutually did help a lot. I keep the memory list in a locked filing cabinet so I’m not “tempted” to pull it out and look at it. It did seem to help lessen the thoughts. I hope you find a great IC I do believe that can make all the difference. I’ve known others in IC and sometimes I feel they are enabled vs being encouraged to move forward.

[Starswillshine]

@lovingme2019 10 months where we had 6 different D Days! It’s been 6 weeks since he walked out the door and I so wish I could get to indifference. I wave back and forth between rage and sadness. I have a referral out for free therapy through work so I’m not sure who I will end up with. I really hope it is someone that understands our situation.

 

6 DDays? You would have thought he would have learned how to hide it better.

 

You're much better off... obviously this isnt one brught man.

[Scarlet86]

@starswillshine Lol ?? for sure! Some of them our co workers turned us in. One of them he forgot to turn off GPS on his phone. It was a mess and she welcomed him back with open arms each time. ??*♀️

[Scarlet86]

But I agree with what Loving said too if his wife wouldn’t have taken him back I then would’ve been the wife (he kept asking me to marry him) that was wondering who he was texting and paranoid about his actions since I knew his past behavior with me. And his wife told me I was the 4th woman he was caught with ?

[Lovingme2019]

@ scarlet86 you dodged a bullet for sure as did I. I feel terrible for the BS because they have children, shared finances, long history, etc. sometimes it’s not so easy to walk away. Everyone has their own reasons for staying or leaving and they have to live with that choice. I would imagine for MM that we were involved with where it’s known to BS that there have been more than one A and LTA at that it cannot be an easy life. Even if the A are rug swept the tension, anxiety and stress of that has got to be a nightmare. It wasn’t until I was deep in the A that I even considered all of that (very selfish, I know but aren’t all A’s) and I felt awful and expressed this to MM who told me he felt it was best for him to end the M. There was so much mistrust and resentment on both sides. He said if he stayed in the M he would continue to have A’s because it was just that bad. I can only hope that something good came from the A in that possibly it forced them to deal with those issues and have a chance at a better M, if not for themselves at least for their 3 children. I wouldn’t wish a life like that on anyone.

[Scarlet86]

@lovingme2019 yes in my situation they have 8 kids between them and bought a giant house the month before our affair started. I can’t imagine. I get 5 free therapy sessions with my work insurance and then a copay after that. We are coming up on week 7 and I am finally feeling a tad bit better about myself but it’s a very slow process.

[PhoenixRising8]

6 DDays? You would have thought he would have learned how to hide it better.

 

You're much better off... obviously this isnt one brught man.

 

He isn't very bright but to be fair, BS isn't either. He knows there will be limited consequences because she keeps taking him back. After 6 DDays with one AP and 3 other APs, and she still takes him back, well that's tantamount to acquiescence to his alley cat ways. Sorry if this isn't a populkar sentiment with BSs but you do get the treatment you allow.

[Starswillshine]

@ scarlet86 you dodged a bullet for sure as did I. I feel terrible for the BS because they have children, shared finances, long history, etc. sometimes it’s not so easy to walk away. Everyone has their own reasons for staying or leaving and they have to live with that choice. I would imagine for MM that we were involved with where it’s known to BS that there have been more than one A and LTA at that it cannot be an easy life. Even if the A are rug swept the tension, anxiety and stress of that has got to be a nightmare. It wasn’t until I was deep in the A that I even considered all of that (very selfish, I know but aren’t all A’s) and I felt awful and expressed this to MM who told me he felt it was best for him to end the M. There was so much mistrust and resentment on both sides. He said if he stayed in the M he would continue to have A’s because it was just that bad. I can only hope that something good came from the A in that possibly it forced them to deal with those issues and have a chance at a better M, if not for themselves at least for their 3 children. I wouldn’t wish a life like that on anyone.

 

As a former BS, I agree with all of this. It is a terrible life. Some feel as if it is the only way. Maybe it will get better with time, maybe trust will return, etc. Or they believe they cannot do it alone, etc. It is what kept me trying after initial DDay. (And that DDay a lot of partial truths as in only saw her once, only was sexting, etc). But after the 3rd one... when I found out the truth (was definitely more involved... while I didnt believe it was only sexting, I was trying to believe it because she lived a plane ride away). Anyway, I came to the conclusion I would never trust him again, my life would be riddle with fear and anxiety. So I left his sorry butt. But I tried for awhile. Because 20 years, 4 kids, house, I had no income, no college degree. Etc. But even I had enough to divorce him.

[S2B]

He isn't very bright but to be fair, BS isn't either. He knows there will be limited consequences because she keeps taking him back. After 6 DDays with one AP and 3 other APs, and she still takes him back, well that's tantamount to acquiescence to his alley cat ways. Sorry if this isn't a populkar sentiment with BSs but you do get the treatment you allow.

 

Oh wow, I had the feeling he was a serial cheater but didn’t know it was to this extent.

 

They both deserve each other.