Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[anika99]

So another thing to watch.. the drama. There should be minimal if he is fully and mentally committed to leaving. My husband got his ducks in a row, told his then wife he was leaving and then left. That was that. He told her he was leaving and moved out that same weekend. He was kind, but firm. Any other way only prolongs it and causes additional pain and anxiety.

 

You really need to look at it this way, divorce is not the end of the world (I am NOT minimizing it or it's effect). But, it is like anything else in life, you make a decision and then you move forward. If my H had waffled back and forth, this would have been a problem for me, as I don't deal with uncertainty well. He would not have been a suitable partner for me, and I would not have been able to continue the relationship.

 

Do we know what he is waiting for? If he told her five weeks ago.....

 

This hits the nail on the head. Leaving a marriage may not be easy but it is simply a matter of saying you're leaving and then actually packing up and leaving. It may be a hellish experience to go through but it is not complicated.

 

You can't be sort of pregnant and you can't sort of be leaving. You either are or you are not. This MM is in a better position than many other MM when it comes to leaving. He gets to move right in with the OP so no worries over finding a place. His kids are grown so there won't be any bitter custody disputes or paying through the nose for child support. The details like the split of assets can easily be worked out after his departure.

[lovely81]

Yeah, it's hard to believe that all this drama won't continue in your new life, should it happen, in some form.

Also, you are extremely focused on him, not on you own needs, and he seems to think this is all normal and the way it should be.

I can't imagine sitting through all this drama and recounting it in such detail without some resentment and awareness that I could be attending to my life--hobbies, friends, errands.

I'd set a date and stick to it, hopefully when I reached a point in my own mind where I was certain of my own desires (stability, a man who could totally focus on me) that I could speak clearly and decisively.

One way that helped me to think about a situation like this straight: It's not fair for me to be with him when I don't want him as he is (waffling, still married to someone else).

Good luck.

Edited November 15, 2018 by lovely81

[BaileyB]

This hits the nail on the head. Leaving a marriage may not be easy but it is simply a matter of saying you're leaving and then actually packing up and leaving. It may be a hellish experience to go through but it is not complicated.

 

Exactly. And, as difficult as that may be for his wife, I think it would be the kinder thing to do. If my husband wanted to leave, I would rather he leave than drag it on and on by providing false hope and keeping a woman on the side...

 

If he was being honest with his wife, he would tell her there is no hope for reconcilliation because he is otherwise engaged in another relationship. Until he ends his relationship with you, any attempt to recommit or resolve the issues in their marriage (by either partner) are an exercise in futility and a total waste of time.

[Amethyst68]

WOW - agree 100% about the drama. If you read the posts that's what most posters are responding to. By this I mean the MM's actions after telling the BW he wants to separate but taking no action, saying he's doing to be kind and let her down gently.

 

The MM's actions are selfish and cruel not only to his wife but also to the OP. Neither of them deserve them to be messed about like this, difference is only one of them is aware of all the relevant information to make a choice. If the wife knew of the affair she may just take the decision out of his hands!

[PhoenixRising8]

I hope he keeps his word with you.

 

I do wish that for you for all the years you are with him.

 

It’s been 8 months but thanks. I won’t be putting in years.

[PhoenixRising8]

So another thing to watch.. the drama. There should be minimal if he is fully and mentally committed to leaving. My husband got his ducks in a row, told his then wife he was leaving and then left. That was that. He told her he was leaving and moved out that same weekend. He was kind, but firm. Any other way only prolongs it and causes additional pain and anxiety.

 

You really need to look at it this way, divorce is not the end of the world (I am NOT minimizing it or it's effect). But, it is like anything else in life, you make a decision and then you move forward. If my H had waffled back and forth, this would have been a problem for me, as I don't deal with uncertainty well. He would not have been a suitable partner for me, and I would not have been able to continue the relationship.

 

Do we know what he is waiting for? If he told her five weeks ago.....

 

I hear you about the drama and that is why I posted a month after it started to unfold because I was/am in limbo and the stress was killing me.

 

He is generally a planner but he did not plan this out at all before he started the conversation. He essentially seized an opportunity and dove in without considering all that is involved. So nine weeks later we are still in the same spot.

 

What is he waiting for? Well he has been working incredibly long hours the last month or so preparing a case which started November 1 and continues this week. He has also been considering how best to approach the subject again and talking to friends and family to get them used to the idea that he wants out. He now also wants to wait until dependent son finishes his program In January. In between was her birthday, his and Christmas is around the corner so I’m leaving end of December for three weeks to mid January and if he hasn’t got his act together by the time I return it may be time to throw in the towel.

 

Christmas will be a test I think. If he continues to feel guilty and doesn’t make a move even with my absence, then I can only conclude that his marriage is tolerable and he doesn’t want me or miss me as much as he says. In the end it’s only about five more weeks til I leave so not that long.

[PhoenixRising8]

WOW - agree 100% about the drama. If you read the posts that's what most posters are responding to. By this I mean the MM's actions after telling the BW he wants to separate but taking no action, saying he's doing to be kind and let her down gently.

 

The MM's actions are selfish and cruel not only to his wife but also to the OP. Neither of them deserve them to be messed about like this, difference is only one of them is aware of all the relevant information to make a choice. If the wife knew of the affair she may just take the decision out of his hands!

 

She has a very good idea that he is otherwise occupied and has said so repeatedly but she isn’t letting go. I am giving him til mid January and then I walk. I’m too old for this drama. As much as I love him, I don’t like how he’s handling this. It isn’t fair to either of us. Ultimately I will put me first. And if I walk it will be for good because when I am done I am done. I’m already starting to disengage.

[PhoenixRising8]

{snip}

I can't see him leaving over the xmas and new years holidays so how long will you wait. I think you need to pick a time frame and enforce it. Either he leaves or you walk. If you just leave it open ended he could drag this on forever

 

It won’t be open ended and it won’t be over Christmas but it will be decided one way or the other by mid January.

Edited November 15, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PhoenixRising8]

Yeah, it's hard to believe that all this drama won't continue in your new life, should it happen, in some form.

Also, you are extremely focused on him, not on you own needs, and he seems to think this is all normal and the way it should be.

I can't imagine sitting through all this drama and recounting it in such detail without some resentment and awareness that I could be attending to my life--hobbies, friends, errands.

I'd set a date and stick to it, hopefully when I reached a point in my own mind where I was certain of my own desires (stability, a man who could totally focus on me) that I could speak clearly and decisively.

One way that helped me to think about a situation like this straight: It's not fair for me to be with him when I don't want him as he is (waffling, still married to someone else).

Good luck.

 

You are correct. I have been focused on him but that has changed. I am now considering what is best for me and this drama isn’t it. The drama will be ended either by him with a decision or I will walk after my trip.

[WasOtherWoman]

She has a very good idea that he is otherwise occupied and has said so repeatedly but she isn’t letting go. I am giving him til mid January and then I walk. I’m too old for this drama. As much as I love him, I don’t like how he’s handling this. It isn’t fair to either of us. Ultimately I will put me first. And if I walk it will be for good because when I am done I am done. I’m already starting to disengage.

 

Excellent. That is exactly right, you need to keep a wall up in these sorts of relationships to protect yourself (cause they can be devastating to all, i get it).

 

Remembering back to that time.. I felt awful for his wife, (although in the spirit of total honesty, clearly not awful enough to not be having a relationship with her husband ). Someone in this situation was going to wind up unhappy.... in my case, likely all three of us, because he was leaving, and all three of us would wind up alone, so what sense did that make?

 

I do admire the way he left, made the decision and then moved on. Did not discuss with family, friends, grown kids, etc. prior, he made a plan, executed and did not look back.

 

I know that sounds cold but it was the kindest way for him to do this. I have the benefit of looking back on the years, and all that has unfolded since then. Our Ex and I are good. We get together on occasion, co-grandparent, etc. When someone has kids with someone, they will always be in both of your lives. So you need to be strategic about that relationship as well.

 

I am a no-drama zone, so I did not want him to leave and then take on all of this drama BS in my life.... we all co-exist peacefully which is a good goal to strive for in these situations.

[FMW]

I hope you stick with your deadline.

[Amethyst68]

Knowing for definite there's someone waiting on the sidelines is completely different to having a vague suspicion.

 

I would recommend that if he does leave you change your plan and he gets his own place for a while. There is no way, if his children are as dependent as describe, that they are going to be able to handle not dropping in to visit MM whenever they want to. If he moves straight in with you and they find out about your affair immediately that way the level of drama may increase tenfold!

[WasOtherWoman]

I would recommend that if he does leave you change your plan and he gets his own place for a while. There is no way, if his children are as dependent as describe, that they are going to be able to handle not dropping in to visit MM whenever they want to. If he moves straight in with you and they find out about your affair immediately that way the level of drama may increase tenfold!

 

That is a good point. LKK why is he moving in with you right away? In my case, we all lived in separate states, so there was no reason for us to not live together right after he left. Plus, we had been living together during the week anyway during our A, so it was no big deal. Had his family been in our state, i definitely would NOT have lived with him....

 

Have you considered this?

[BaileyB]

She has a very good idea that he is otherwise occupied and has said so repeatedly but she isn’t letting go.

 

It’s not her decision though. If he does not want to be married to her anymore, he can file the papers and leave. What she does is irrelevant, ultimately.

[PhoenixRising8]

That is a good point. LKK why is he moving in with you right away? In my case, we all lived in separate states, so there was no reason for us to not live together right after he left. Plus, we had been living together during the week anyway during our A, so it was no big deal. Had his family been in our state, i definitely would NOT have lived with him....

 

Have you considered this?

 

He and I live 100 miles apart and he works another 75 miles in the opposite direction so it isn’t like we thought anyone would just drop in anyways. They would be more likely to meet up with him at work or him stop by their town as it’s on his way from work to mine. I guess because of the distance we thought it was the better option.

[PhoenixRising8]

Knowing for definite there's someone waiting on the sidelines is completely different to having a vague suspicion.

 

I would recommend that if he does leave you change your plan and he gets his own place for a while. There is no way, if his children are as dependent as describe, that they are going to be able to handle not dropping in to visit MM whenever they want to. If he moves straight in with you and they find out about your affair immediately that way the level of drama may increase tenfold!

 

I’m quite certain she has more than a vague suspicion

[PhoenixRising8]

It’s not her decision though. If he does not want to be married to her anymore, he can file the papers and leave. What she does is irrelevant, ultimately.

 

I agree there isn’t anything she can do. What I meant by letting go was bore she isn’t giving him up. I think that will be me before her.

[WasOtherWoman]

He and I live 100 miles apart and he works another 75 miles in the opposite direction so it isn’t like we thought anyone would just drop in anyways. They would be more likely to meet up with him at work or him stop by their town as it’s on his way from work to mine. I guess because of the distance we thought it was the better option.

 

Got it. So in most cases, moving in together right after someone leaves generally is not a great idea. (or at least this seems to be not the recipe for success). We did, and we did fine, but i believe that our affair, for my H was definitely a classic exit affair. He had always intended to leave when his youngest went to college and had informed his then wife of that years prior. So the timing was just right for us, as we met a few months before that. (hence the no drama, etc.). It really just depends on the mindset, but if you think there might still be drama after he leaves, protect yourself and have him get his own place. Otherwise you will be sucked in.....

[S2B]

He and I live 100 miles apart and he works another 75 miles in the opposite direction so it isn’t like we thought anyone would just drop in anyways. They would be more likely to meet up with him at work or him stop by their town as it’s on his way from work to mine. I guess because of the distance we thought it was the better option.

 

So if he leaves her it doesn't make sense that he would move to your place.

 

Why would he drive 175 miles one way to work?

 

Has he mentioned at all getting his own place when he leaves?

[BaileyB]

I agree there isn’t anything she can do. What I meant by letting go was bore she isn’t giving him up. I think that will be me before her.

 

I hear that. I’m just saying, it doesn’t matter if she is giving him up or not. It’s his decision to leave his marriage and file the papers. If I wanted to break up with my boyfriend, it wouldn’t matter if he wasn’t giving up - it is my decision to make, and he would need to resign himself to that.

 

He may feel that he is doing her some kind of service by staying, but what he is actually doing is cruel to her - if his decision is made, then staying and dragging it out, giving her false hope, and continuing the drama is not serving any purpose other than to avoid the conflict of actually leaving.

 

If she really loves him, she is never going to like it when he finally leaves - there is never going to be a “good” time to announce to your spouse that you want to end the marriage. The kindest thing he could do is to make a firm decision, communicate that decision with her, and then go about the process with as much kindness and compassion as possible. That’s what I would want - if he doesn’t want to be married to me, then tell me that... don’t give me false hope while engaging in an affair with another woman. IMHO, that is a terribly disrespectful thing to do to a woman that he has loved.

[Amethyst68]

BS may be suspicious but he's doing his best to gaslight her!

 

As for his kids, all I can say is if it was me I would be wanting to visit where my dad was living, at least when he moved. If he refused or didn't want me there it would raise major red flags. I have actually seen this happen, one of my friends was an OW who actually ended up with her MM, his kids found out when he moved straight in with her, it was not pretty. It's been several years later he's still trying to repair the relationship, my friend basically has to exist in the background still where they exist.

[PhoenixRising8]

I hear that. I’m just saying, it doesn’t matter if she is giving him up or not. It’s his decision to leave his marriage and file the papers. If I wanted to break up with my boyfriend, it wouldn’t matter if he wasn’t giving up - it is my decision to make, and he would need to resign himself to that.

 

He may feel that he is doing her some kind of service by staying, but what he is actually doing is cruel to her - if his decision is made, then staying and dragging it out, giving her false hope, and continuing the drama is not serving any purpose other than to avoid the conflict of actually leaving.

 

If she really loves him, she is never going to like it when he finally leaves - there is never going to be a “good” time to announce to your spouse that you want to end the marriage. The kindest thing he could do is to make a firm decision, communicate that decision with her, and then go about the process with as much kindness and compassion as possible. That’s what I would want - if he doesn’t want to be married to me, then tell me that... don’t give me false hope while engaging in an affair with another woman. IMHO, that is a terribly disrespectful thing to do to a woman that he has loved.

 

No argument from me. I agree 100%. Ive already said this to him but there seems to be a timing issue that comes up whether it’s work or something else. Guess that’s why I’m here getting different perspectives because some days I feel it will be one of us that makes the decision rather than him. As it is now, it is likely to be me.

[PhoenixRising8]

BS may be suspicious but he's doing his best to gaslight her!

 

As for his kids, all I can say is if it was me I would be wanting to visit where my dad was living, at least when he moved. If he refused or didn't want me there it would raise major red flags. I have actually seen this happen, one of my friends was an OW who actually ended up with her MM, his kids found out when he moved straight in with her, it was not pretty. It's been several years later he's still trying to repair the relationship, my friend basically has to exist in the background still where they exist.

 

I’ve considered this also and it gives me major concern.

[PhoenixRising8]

So if he leaves her it doesn't make sense that he would move to your place.

 

Why would he drive 175 miles one way to work?

 

Has he mentioned at all getting his own place when he leaves?

 

Oops I converted into miles the wrong way. It’s actually 175 round trip.

[Starswillshine]

Oops I converted into miles the wrong way. It’s actually 175 round trip.

 

That's still one hell of a commute. Especially if he is working 14 hour days.... I couldn't imagine.