Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[elaine567]

Can he work from home?

[anika99]

That distance is going to turn into another excuse for him not leaving. Can you move to where he is?

[PhoenixRising8]

That distance is going to turn into another excuse for him not leaving. Can you move to where he is?

 

I can move but if I’m moving solely to remove an excuse that isn’t a good reason to do so. I’m already compromising enough.

[WasOtherWoman]

 

As for his kids, all I can say is if it was me I would be wanting to visit where my dad was living, at least when he moved. If he refused or didn't want me there it would raise major red flags. I have actually seen this happen, one of my friends was an OW who actually ended up with her MM, his kids found out when he moved straight in with her, it was not pretty. It's been several years later he's still trying to repair the relationship, my friend basically has to exist in the background still where they exist.

 

This is a great point. If you want to be successful in the long run, you need to handle this piece carefully. I did not meet my step kids until we were already married. They were welcomed into our life, rather than the other way around. How stuff gets handled when he first leaves is critical to the future success of your relationship with him, the ex and the kids.

[Amethyst68]

Oh god, my friend is a successful, intelligent, mature woman whose one blind spot is her now husband, he is a nice enough man but stubborn as hell. He learned nothing from the whole separation debacle and went on to create more chaos when it came to their wedding! Let's just his insistence on keeping things secret once again created a nightmare for my friend who got all the blame!

[WasOtherWoman]

Oh god, my friend is a successful, intelligent, mature woman whose one blind spot is her now husband, he is a nice enough man but stubborn as hell. He learned nothing from the whole separation debacle and went on to create more chaos when it came to their wedding! Let's just his insistence on keeping things secret once again created a nightmare for my friend who got all the blame!

 

Oy, you know they say be careful what you wish for. I have many friends who are second wives and the ex and kids cause huge troubles in the marriage. (not blaming them.. i firmly blame the husbands).

 

My H was smart enough to make sure that, since the kids were grown already grown, he put our marriage first. That helped allow me to confidently develop my own relationships with the kids. So much of this is in the hands of the way that the man handles it...

[BaileyB]

If you want to be successful in the long run, you need to handle this piece carefully. I did not meet my step kids until we were already married. They were welcomed into our life, rather than the other way around.

 

I have many friends who are second wives and the ex and kids cause huge troubles in the marriage. (not blaming them.. i firmly blame the husbands).

 

My H was smart enough to make sure that, since the kids were grown already grown, he put our marriage first.

 

Having been the child in a different, but similar situation (my mother passed away, my father started another relationship very shortly after her death and pressured us to accept his relationship), I can say that this would have been very upsetting to me.

 

I can't believe that he married you, without introducing you to his children!

 

I completely understand that these are adult children and he is entitled to make decisions and have his own life without the need to get permission or approval of his children... But, as they say - relationships may come and go, but your children are forever. I would never chose a relationship over my children. And, now in this very position, I would never ask my partner to put our relationship ahead of his children.

 

To hear you say that he chose your marriage first, and that the children were welcome into your life, rather than the other way around... Sorry, this hits a nerve. My father had this attitude with his new relationship and it almost cost him his relationship with my brother and myself. It is so unbelievably disrespectful to the relationships shared between parent and child - relationships that precede you and may extend past the end of your relationship... I'm glad it has worked out for you, but my advice would be - be very careful about this.

 

ETA, For OP - I think the key to success is to give it time and to introduce the new partner in a way that is respectful and not threatening to the children. Which is why I respond to this post - no disrespect intended WOW - because this advice would be very threatening to the relationship between parent and child. We are a very close family and my brother and I are loyal and devoted to our parents - but, had my father married a woman without introducing us to his wife, that would have ended his relationship with both myself and my brother. I’m glad that didn’t happen for you WOW. I’m just saying, respect goes both ways and I would not have found this to be particularly respectful or inclusive, as the child...

Edited November 15, 2018 by BaileyB

[Amethyst68]

In my friend's case the problems were caused by her husband. Once the divorce was sorted there was no issue with the BS, but he created a lot of ill feeling with his children which was compounded with the way he went on to handle the wedding. I agree the MM should support his new partner but I'm with Bailey, not at the expense of his children.

 

Someone once said to me that men find it easy to love the family they're with at the moment. It's a sweeping generalisation but turns out to be true a substantial high number of times.

[FMW]

To hear you say that he chose your marriage first, and that the children were welcome into your life, rather than the other way around... Sorry, this hits a nerve.

 

I don't have any personal experience with the above, but that immediately hit me also. Yes, your marriage should be prioritized, but not in such an almost antagonistic way.

[Starswillshine]

I don't have any personal experience with the above, but that immediately hit me also. Yes, your marriage should be prioritized, but not in such an almost antagonistic way.

 

Same. Also, it would make me question the type of man he is. And if I would ever want to be involved with him.

[BaileyB]

I'm pleased to say that we are a happy blended family now, but it took a lot longer than it would have if my father would have handled things differently...

 

My partner has a teenage child, and a difficult ex-wife. We have taken our time and introduced our relationship in a very non-threatening way. We have ensured that he still has time with his father and a relationship with his father that is separate from me. As a result, he has not given us a moment of grief. My actions have been heavily influenced by the lack of consideration and respect that I felt when my dad started this new relationship. Having had that experience, I would never want to be the reason to come between a child (adult or not) and their parent.

[anika99]

I don't have any personal experience with the above, but that immediately hit me also. Yes, your marriage should be prioritized, but not in such an almost antagonistic way.

 

Really? I have to say I'm somewhat surprised by this view. I agree that a second spouse should never take priority over dependent children, especially in an affair situation as that is a delicate situation that can cause extra hurt but we are talking about adult children here.

 

I have 2 adult sons. One is married with children and the other has a live in gf and is expecting his first child. They have their own lives. I see them maybe twice a month. I know they love me but they are very busy with their work, social lives and children. Furthermore I do not factor into any of their decisions at all. They do not make choices based on my feelings or what is good for me.

 

I respect their independence and would never expect them to change anything about their lives based on what I would like. They certainly do not give my feelings priority over the feelings of their spouse/serious gf.

 

So why does my life need to revolve around the lives of my adult children given the fact that their lives do not revolve around me? I'm no fan of affairs or stepparents for that matter, but at some point kids need to accept that their parents are human beings with their own lives. Parents lives revolve around their kids when they are raising them but when the kids leave the nest they should not have to accommodate their every wish anymore.

 

Are mature adults really supposed to just defer to their kids desires for the rest of their lives. Sorry but if I met and married someone at this stage of life I would put them first. And if that person had adult children I would expect to take priority. If some guy told me I would always come second to his adult children I would say "hell to the no!" In my opinion when there are no dependent children involved then spouses come first.

[BaileyB]

So why does my life need to revolve around the lives of my adult children given the fact that their lives do not revolve around me?

 

Are mature adults really supposed to just defer to their kids desires for the rest of their lives. Sorry but if I met and married someone at this stage of life I would put them first. And if that person had adult children I would expect to take priority. If some guy told me I would always come second to his adult children I would say "hell to the no!" .

 

Totally agree. Nobody is saying that your life needs to revolve around the lives of your adult children... I was quite clear - it is his life and he is free to make his own decisions. And likewise, I would not want to date a man who put me second to his adult children...

 

But - would you marry someone without giving your future spouse and your children the courtesy of an introduction? I doubt it.

 

IMHO, this decision does not show consideration or respect for the children. It is very antagonistic, and it does not need to be this way. Strong relationships can be enjoyed, and happy blended families can be formed, if both adults and children treat the other with kindness, consideration, and respect.

 

Treat his children with respect and they will respond in kind. Dismiss their feelings or foster competition ("my relationship will come first, and you will accommodate to me") and the children will respond in kind.

[anika99]

Totally agree. Nobody is saying that your life needs to revolve around the lives of your adult children... I was quite clear - it is his life and he is free to make his own decisions. And likewise, I would not want to date a man who put me second to his adult children...

 

But - would you marry someone without giving your future spouse and your children the courtesy of an introduction? I doubt it.

 

IMHO, this decision does not show consideration or respect for the children. It is very antagonistic, and it does not need to be this way. Strong relationships can be enjoyed, and happy blended families can be formed, if both adults and children treat the other with kindness, consideration, and respect.

 

Treat his children with respect and they will respond in kind. Dismiss their feelings or foster competition ("my relationship will come first, and you will accommodate to me") and the children will respond in kind.

 

Right, I see what you are saying. I don't think that poster mentioned the reason she didn't meet the kids before marriage. Maybe it was their choice but if their father refused to include then and was antagonistic then I totally agree with you. I couldn't imagine getting married to someone whom my children didn't even know or hadn't even met.

[Starswillshine]

I tend to think from my own perspective, but I have young children along with older children. My new relationship wasnt born out of an affair, but I do consult my children on how they are feeling about me dating and the person I am dating. I let them have an opinion. I let them have a voice, but I am dealing with children (some older teens, 1 in college now).

 

I could understand if a relationship was born out of an affair, how adult children will never be able to accept the OW. But I would at least give them time to meet him/her before marrying. But I'm not in the position, so who the heck knows what I would do.

[BaileyB]

I don't think that poster mentioned the reason she didn't meet the kids before marriage.

 

No, she hasn't. So, benefit of the doubt that there is a good reason why that happened and glad it seems to be working out for you.

 

My point in my original post was to simply to offer a different opinion, because it may not work out well for you if you follow that advice, OP. As I said, my father adopted a similar attitude, and it almost cost him his relationships with his children...

[WasOtherWoman]

Interesting conversation! Sorry if i hit a nerve, I certainly understand all families are different.

 

In our case, the kids were grown, one already married with kids, living in another country at the time (husband in military). The other was at college (in yet another state). We married right after his divorce was final, which was shortly after he left, and there were no plans to see the kids in that time period.

 

Kids knew a divorce was inevitable, so it is not like it came as a big surprise to them. (long, boring, backstory here ...their mom had several affairs early on in their marriage... my H stayed until the last child left, as he was not willing to be a part time dad. Remember, these were different times). The kids are not aware of their mother's affairs, but do know that H and I started our relationship just prior to his marriage ending. So to him, this was his turn. He gave his then wife plenty of notice to get whatever skills she needed to become self supporting, and gave 100% of himself to making sure his kids grew up loved and with every advantage. This was all the way he wanted to handle things. This was his family and his decision. I really did not get a vote, nor should I have. Not my business.

 

Kids had their own lives and were very independent. My husband was smart enough to realize that if he wanted this marriage to work, our relationship needed to come first, at that time. The kids did not ask permission to live their lives, he was not going to ask permission to live his. That is not to say that over the years their needs or issues have not come first, they have, as needed. But it was important that we built our foundation as well.

 

We never had an issues with the kids. The youngest one came to live with us in the last few years of college, which was great and allowed us to build a great relationship. They were mature and respected their dad's right to live his life and be happy. He gave them a great start in life, and they appreciated it. Even though i had NEVER wanted kids, I LOVE having them in my life, can't imagine not.

 

All families are not the same. My H is an extremely smart man, very strategic and loves and knows his kids. He handled things in exactly the right way for them, which may not be the right way for everyone.

 

For me, i was good with it, because i was never their dad's girlfriend. I was his wife. I was respectful of them and they of me. Our relationship grew from there.

 

Not sure if this helps or hurts... but that's the story.

 

As far as advice for OP, our way might not be the right way, but in this case, the way the MM handles the situation with his kids will set the tone for their future.

[WasOtherWoman]

In thinking about this, I remember a conversation I had with one of my step kids, right before my H's exwife remarried. I asked him how he felt about it. He replied that if his mom was happy, that was all that mattered. He had his own life to worry about and his mom's love life was not really his business.

 

One of the thing i love about my steps is their upbringing. They are not selfish, "the world revolves around me", kids.

[BaileyB]

As I suspected, there are many difference between our stories. I am very glad it worked out for you WOW. Wish you all the best!

 

I can imagine that these children had a long time to come to terms with the fact that the relationship between their parents was over. They may have been very well aware that there was no love lost between their parents and it probably came as no surprise that their father found another relationship. And then it does become, I just want my parents to be happy (as it did with my father). To their credit, it sounds like these parents have raised mature, well-adjusted children.

 

I suppose the common thread is - how the MM handles the situation with his kids will very much influence future relationships. And, every individual and every relationship is very different.

Edited November 16, 2018 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

In LilKat's case the, MM's children although in mid to late twenties are both at home and somewhat dependent...

[WasOtherWoman]

As I suspected, there are many difference between our stories. I am very glad it worked out for you WOW. Wish you all the best!

 

I can imagine that these children had a long time to come to terms with the fact that the relationship between their parents was over. They may have been very well aware that there was no love lost between their parents and it probably came as no surprise that their father found another relationship. And then it does become, I just want my parents to be happy (as it did with my father). To their credit, it sounds like these parents have raised mature, well-adjusted children.

 

I suppose the common thread is - how the MM handles the situation with his kids will very much influence future relationships. And, every individual and every relationship is very different.

 

Agree 100% with your last line.... this is critical.

 

That said, just so i don't come across as "pro-affair" I am well aware that our situation is NOT the norm and that things certainly don't generally work out this way. While i love my Husband and consider myself the luckiest woman in the world to be this man's wife, I do regret that our relationship began as an affair and i am ashamed of myself for that. I have had many years to come to terms with it, but still.... i know....

[Amethyst68]

Agreed, each story is unique. I think the main character traits to look for are respect and honesty, but through MM's words but through his actions, not only to OP but especially to his BS.

 

I don't mean he has to stay, no-one should if they're as desperately unhappy as he is portraying himself to be. However, what would it take to treat his BS with a little dignity and respect?.

 

I wonder if the 27 (?) yr old knows they'd considered so delicate and dependant. I somehow think it's a different picture within the home.

[PhoenixRising8]

Agreed, each story is unique. I think the main character traits to look for are respect and honesty, but through MM's words but through his actions, not only to OP but especially to his BS.

 

I don't mean he has to stay, no-one should if they're as desperately unhappy as he is portraying himself to be. However, what would it take to treat his BS with a little dignity and respect?.

 

I wonder if the 27 (?) yr old knows they'd considered so delicate and dependant. I somehow think it's a different picture within the home.

 

I agree that actions speak louder than words. So far Jim’s actions (except the last and final action) clearly demonstrate where he wants to be and that doesn’t appear to be at home with BS. And I’m not just taking his word. He essentially is home to sleep only and takes every opportunity to avoid BS, whether it’s in favour of work, physical fitness or me. I know when he is at the office and we talk on his drive home. Then we speak again when he goes to bed which is generally not more than an hour after he arrives home.

 

We had a discussion this morning before we left for work and it seems BS is sending him the message that his avoidance and absence is not being viewed positively, by the son in particular. Jim believes she is getting the message that he can’t or won’t put in the effort to salvage the marriage. We discussed the fact that his procrastination is causing stress, anxiety and angst for the 3 of us plus the kids since the son is apparently now anxious also and not sleeping well. I asked if he really thought putting off action until January was feasible or possible. He agreed it likely wasn’t. But that’s this morning.

 

The son has had a rough time of it health wise since age of 9 so he has been coddled and continues to be, of that I have little doubt. He may not think he is coddled but he is.

 

I guess we shall have to see what Jim does and whom he pulls the bandaid off of. If it is me, I will survive but I suspect he might reconsider in a reasonably short period of time as he has already done. The difference this time is that I will not resume the affair unless and until he has left BS. Continuing like this is just not feasible for anyone.

[WasOtherWoman]

I guess we shall have to see what Jim does and whom he pulls the bandaid off of. If it is me, I will survive but I suspect he might reconsider in a reasonably short period of time as he has already done. The difference this time is that I will not resume the affair unless and until he has left BS. Continuing like this is just not feasible for anyone.

 

Yeah, at this point you just have to sit back and watch. One thing i feel fortunate about was that my H was very concerned that his lack of action would cause me to lose respect for him (he knows me well, it certainly would have). I am sure you are getting to feel the same way.

[BTDT2012]

The difference this time is that I will not resume the affair unless and until he has left BS.

 

 

I hope you hold to that stance. And don't allow him to live with you secretly if he leaves.