Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[PhoenixRising8]

Yes, perhaps.

 

I am concerned for you... I can see you do believe he's trying to leave...

 

But I am genuinely concerned you may be duped. :-(

 

Thanks for your concern. I can honestly say that some days I have my doubts he will leave. For now, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt but that won't be for much longer. My trip will be the beginning of the end possibly. Wish I could do NC now but I just haven't found the strength yet. Being with my cousins, who I'm very close to and who know everything, will help me start to move on.

 

And this folks is why affairs are not a good idea. I truly thought it was a way to survive my marriage and keep it going. We were on the same page where our spouses were concerned until it changed. At his instigation. Now I'm the single one and he's still waffling. The affair made a mess of my life. Wouldn't recommend it to my worst enemy.

[anika99]

Thanks for your concern. I can honestly say that some days I have my doubts he will leave. For now, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt but that won't be for much longer. My trip will be the beginning of the end possibly. Wish I could do NC now but I just haven't found the strength yet. Being with my cousins, who I'm very close to and who know everything, will help me start to move on.

 

And this folks is why affairs are not a good idea. I truly thought it was a way to survive my marriage and keep it going. We were on the same page where our spouses were concerned until it changed. At his instigation. Now I'm the single one and he's still waffling. The affair made a mess of my life. Wouldn't recommend it to my worst enemy.

 

Well by the way you describe your husband and how you feel about him isn't it a good thing that you left him, regardless of what the MM does? Even if the MM doesn't leave the affair motivated you to get out of a terrible marriage so why do feel that it has made a mess of your life?

[BaileyB]

And if I may add to Anika's previous post, if this relationship does not work out perhaps you can make your peace by deciding that this relationship has served its purpose - it helped you to leave a bad marriage and it has given you the hope that you will find love again in another relationship.

[elaine567]

I told him to leave since he can't commit but he couldn't. Staying with me was more important than answering her calls.

 

Keeping you on board IS more important atm, as you can walk at any minute, and he doesn't want that. You also have the power to blow up his marriage, if you decide to tell the wife, he would then be seen by some as "the bad guy with an OW" , not "the poor guy who tried his best but could no longer stay..." He has to be careful not to upset you too much, as you could turn into a loose cannon...

No wonder he is stressed out and in turmoil.

He is conflict avoidant and has ended up in conflict, so of course he will not be happy, but try not to assume too much as to the root of his unhappiness.

Projecting your own feelings onto him, may not do you any favours.

 

On the other hand, he knows his wife is going nowhere, he has probably always known that and her letter to him proved that. If she gets upset at being ignored, he can always smooth the waters when he gets home.

"Sorry darling, bad signal area, my phone was inadvertently on silent, work is just crazy atm..."

He knows she will put up with his nonsense, he knows you likely won't put up with being low priority, so he panders to you and neglects her, as that suits his purpose better and gives him an easier life.

 

Seems to me that most MM have one thing in common and that is he tends to love only one person and that is himself. Other people can be just pawns in the game. Be aware.

Anything he does, is thus usually geared towards what is best and easiest for him...

 

Something for you to read, it is a short article but it is illuminating as to why people cheat if not for just sex..

Google the "Infidelity Megafecta".

[WasOtherWoman]

 

And this folks is why affairs are not a good idea. I truly thought it was a way to survive my marriage and keep it going. We were on the same page where our spouses were concerned until it changed. At his instigation. Now I'm the single one and he's still waffling. The affair made a mess of my life. Wouldn't recommend it to my worst enemy.

 

Well said. Even though my affair was short and drama-free, I still tell people to RUN. Bad idea, all around. It will take even the most confident of a person and mess with their head.

[WasOtherWoman]

LKK - I think it would be an excellent idea to go totally no contact with him for the three weeks while you are away. I know it will be hard, but trust me, you will get a better idea of where he stands.

 

Then, when you get back, do not see him until he has moved out. I know this stuff sounds radical, but, as others have said, you need to protect yourself first and foremost. You cannot allow him to be comfortable having a wife and a mistress. He had his cake, it is time to take it away and see what he is going to do.

 

I took a very hard line with my MM during our affair, and I am very glad I did. He knew, with no uncertainty that I felt like I was the prize (as you are). (please note i mean no disrespect to his former wife by that statement..... )

I decided what i would and would not deal with and held that line.

 

I really think you will be better off if you try something similar, considering where you two are at in this right now. The words have all been spoken, the only thing left for him to do is move out. Either he does it, or he does not. If he does not do it now, then likely he never will.

[elaine567]

LKK - I think it would be an excellent idea to go totally no contact with him for the three weeks while you are away. I know it will be hard, but trust me, you will get a better idea of where he stands.

 

I think if she goes no contact on holiday, the holiday will be ruined due to "grieving", and when she comes back she will rush straight into his arms, whether he has left or not. It is then back to square one.

I think this needs to start now, 9+ weeks is ridiculous. A sum total of nothing has happened, since he supposedly told his wife he was going and they all then "ganged up" on him. He is 50+ and a grown man...

Xmas is going to be hell for LilKat, sitting there waiting alone...

Better to get NC in motion now, apply some pressure, so that if nothing transpires, she can "recover" over the holiday.

JMO

[BaileyB]

I think if she goes no contact on holiday, the holiday will be ruined due to "grieving", and when she comes back she will rush straight into his arms, whether he has left or not. It is then back to square one.

I think this needs to start now, 9+ weeks is ridiculous. A sum total of nothing has happened, since he supposedly told his wife he was going and they all then "ganged up" on him. He is 50+ and a grown man...

Xmas is going to be hell for LilKat, sitting there waiting alone...

Better to get NC in motion now, apply some pressure, so that if nothing transpires, she can "recover" over the holiday.

JMO

 

I agree. If this is your plan, I'm not sure what you are waiting.

 

But, that is who I am. I don't deal well with uncertainty. Dragging this out is hurtful to absolutely everyone involved...

 

If he thinks waiting will give his family one more "holiday to remember," I would say that I can't imagine that it will be a happy holiday for anyone...

[FMW]

I agree. Immediate NC is the way to go. Op, you can't think straight as long as you let him stay in charge. And he's most definitely in charge of both you and his wife because you let him be.

 

I know you think you know that everything he tells you about his marriage and home life is true, I know you think you've heard and seen "proof". You've heard and seen what he's allowed you to. You might be horribly surprised at what remains hidden. He's still there. With her.

 

Leave him alone and don't respond to any contact he makes while he works things out with his family. Focus on yourself and what you need to work out for yourself. You need a little time on your own, without your husband, without this MM.

[BaileyB]

You need a little time on your own, without your husband, without this MM.

 

Absolutely, completely, 100% agree.

 

My biggest concern for you OP - you have admitted that you have had several men in your life with whom you have shared challenging relationships - your father and your ex-husband. I fear that you have not taken the time that you need to do some self-reflection - to really understand how these relationships have impacted your expectations, your decisions, and your relationships.

 

And now, you have made a rather impulsive decision. This relationship has not developed in the way that a "normal" healthy relationship would develop and grow. And you have not taken the time to evaluate this man, and this relationship, as you would if you were not in the heightened state of an affair. This MM may well be another dishonest, selfish, and nacissistic man (I would argue, given the fact that he is living with his wife and engaging in an affair with another woman that is likely the case - although, I'm sure you will disagree). My fear for you is that you are essentially jumping from the fire into the frying pan.

 

It's that old saying "act in haste, repent at leisure..." I would strongly encourage you to take some time apart - some time for him to deal with his issues at home and make a decision, and some time for you to gather yourself and perhaps, gain some more perspective. If the decision is - he will leave his wife and you want to be together, you will both be the better for taking that time apart.

[What_Did_I_Do]

And, OP, if he does get the courage to move out, chances are he will return to the M for a myriad of reasons: kids are a mess, wife is suicidal, finances, too far of a drive to work now. Waffling, back and forth. Round and round. That's what mine did. He left and then went back for 'financial reasons'. Claims he's living in the basement until the house sells this spring. Sending me pictures of his basement living. I don't buy his cr*p for one second.

 

It all comes down to how long are you willing to wait. Don't be me. If I could turn back time I would have bolted after the first excuse as to why he couldn't leave.

 

I had a long overseas vacation booked too but postponed it to next summer so I wasn't grieving the entire time and having HIM occupy my thoughts. No way. I'm so looking forward to that trip now.

 

Your MM is probably conflicted but he's not doing anything about it except shedding tears to you about his dreadful situation. Don't fall for it OP. He's a grown man and if he was serious about leaving, he'd be taking the necessary steps to do so.

 

Walk away now so you can enjoy yourself on this vacation. It's so hard...I know.

[PhoenixRising8]

Well by the way you describe your husband and how you feel about him isn't it a good thing that you left him, regardless of what the MM does? Even if the MM doesn't leave the affair motivated you to get out of a terrible marriage so why do feel that it has made a mess of your life?

 

Yes, leaving was the one positive. Too bad it took the devastation of my daughter for me to finally pull the trigger. That guilt will stay with me a long time to come when I think of how I might have spared her had I had the guts to leave him sooner.

[PhoenixRising8]

Do your adult children know you're seeing this MM?

 

Have they met him? What do they say about your situation?

 

Yes my daughter has met him and likes him. Thinks he's generally a nice guy. But like everyone here, she doubts he will leave.

[PhoenixRising8]

So yesterday was my birthday and it was the most unforgettable one I've ever had, no doubt about it.

 

Jim came over in the evening and the plan was to go out to dinner and a movie, except we didn't. He came over in a "mood". He had gone out with his son and they talked so of course the guilt kicked in again. As he was leaving, the wife was sad and asked him to come home, which of course he didn't. We talked a fair bit and he said he realized he would never be truly happy with her and somehow he has to find the courage to let her know. She made several unanswered calls to him last night, the last one resulting in a message which he retrieved in the middle of the night. In it she said he's been lying to her and being disrespectful. Same things I said to him.

 

This morning he woke up to say we feel so right and this is where he should be. With me. Nonetheless, in the space of a couple of hours he went back and forth several times. He can't walk away from me, he doesn't know if he can devastate his family.

 

I read the Affair Megafecta on Friday and I've been thinking about it. As conflict avoidant as I have been in earlier years, I now will create it if it means solving a problem. So I told him that he really has a massive ego if he thinks everyone will fall apart if he isn't there. I told him he is selfish and self-entitled if he thinks he can takes us all on this roller coaster ride while he has the benefits of home and a mistress. I told him that I wonder if the sweet, kind gentle man I am in love with truly exists or if he isn't some illusion conjured up in the throes of the initial romance. He said I might be right. Maybe he has been a selfish, self centred asshat.

 

When he finally left, he didn't know what he would say to his wife but he had to either end it with her or with me but he couldn't go on this way, for anyone's sake. If he does stay in the marriage, he says he's pretty sure he will regret it but it may come to that anyway. I'm pretty sure we are done. He sways according to the wind it seems so I'm fairly confident since she is the one he is with this afternoon he will bend towards her.

 

I've been thinking of all the negatives in the last 7 hours since we parted and I know that even if he leaves, it will be an uphill climb. He may leave her and then go back as soon as the guilt kicks in. I'm not sure the roller coaster ride would come to an end. It would just be a different one. So why do I still want him? Why is my heart in pieces? Why do I hope he calls to say he was honest with her, even though I know that isn't likely?

[PhoenixRising8]

And, OP, if he does get the courage to move out, chances are he will return to the M for a myriad of reasons: kids are a mess, wife is suicidal, finances, too far of a drive to work now. Waffling, back and forth. Round and round. That's what mine did. He left and then went back for 'financial reasons'. Claims he's living in the basement until the house sells this spring. Sending me pictures of his basement living. I don't buy his cr*p for one second. <SNIP>

 

Yes, there will be the suicidal wife, the kids who can't cope, the dog who's dying and a myriad of other challenges, of that I have no doubt.

Edited November 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PhoenixRising8]

Looks like he's all talk and no action to change things - on both sides =his home life and his life with you.

 

<SNIP>

 

No, I think he really is on the brink of tossing one of us aside and I fully expect it to be me. If he were going to leave her, he would have done it and I would have heard from him that he was in the last 8 hours. His last message to me 4 hours ago said "I truly love you darling, always have and always will. This morning may possibly be our last memory of each other - time will tell. I promise not to drag this out much longer - for everyone involved".

 

Even if we are done at this point, I have a feeling he may be back sooner than later. I just pray I have the wherewithal to say no thank you.

Guess it's time for the I told you so's.

Edited November 19, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Veronica73]

God the drama. I don’t know how you can stand it.

[elaine567]

No, I think he really is on the brink of tossing one of us aside and I fully expect it to be me. If he were going to leave her, he would have done it and I would have heard from him that he was in the last 8 hours. His last message to me 4 hours ago said "I truly love you darling, always have and always will. This morning may possibly be our last memory of each other - time will tell. I promise not to drag this out much longer - for everyone involved".

 

Yes I agree "I truly love you darling, always have and always will" sounds pretty final, but "time will tell" and "I promise not to drag this out much longer" keeps a chink open, which is really unfair to you.

I guess he is keeping his options open, in case she chucks him out, sorry to say.

[BaileyB]

He stayed over night with you on the night of your birthday?

 

Where did his wife think he was? And, if she knew he was with you - why would she ever take him back in the morning? What kind of a self respecting woman would do that...

[anika99]

I've been thinking of all the negatives in the last 7 hours since we parted and I know that even if he leaves, it will be an uphill climb. He may leave her and then go back as soon as the guilt kicks in. I'm not sure the roller coaster ride would come to an end. It would just be a different one. So why do I still want him? Why is my heart in pieces? Why do I hope he calls to say he was honest with her, even though I know that isn't likely?

 

Unfortunately this is very true. Right now just thinking of leaving is causing him guilt, just imagining how his life will change is causing him anxiety. If he ever actually does screw up enough courage to leave his guilt and anxiety will be 10 fold. He sounds like one of these MM who leave and then have a total break down within a few days or weeks when the reality of what they have done hits them. Then they go back home, tell the OW its' just for the kids or just until the house sells or whatever and the back and forth starts all over again. It's a nightmare for the OW.

[PhoenixRising8]

He stayed over night with you on the night of your birthday?

 

Where did his wife think he was? And, if she knew he was with you - why would she ever take him back in the morning? What kind of a self respecting woman would do that...

 

He has stayed overnight the last 7 Saturdays and 4 weekday nights since the beginning of October, so 2 weeks after he dropped the separation bomb the first time. He goes to a friend's house to watch hockey or basketball is his story. Otherwise, when it's just dinner during the week, he's working late. She has asked on numerous occasions that he invite his friend "John" over for dinner, that he take the son with him and that he give her John's phone number and last name, which of course he refuses to do. She has asked numerous times if John is really Joanne but he denies of course. Wonder what she will think when he stops going to John's after last night.

[PhoenixRising8]

God the drama. I don’t know how you can stand it.

 

I have no idea. The anxiety has been so bad I've dropped 20 lbs. I've only just started eating somewhat regularly again the last week or so.

[BaileyB]

Unfortunately this is very true. Right now just thinking of leaving is causing him guilt, just imagining how his life will change is causing him anxiety. If he ever actually does screw up enough courage to leave his guilt and anxiety will be 10 fold. He sounds like one of these MM who leave and then have a total break down within a few days or weeks when the reality of what they have done hits them. Then they go back home, tell the OW its' just for the kids or just until the house sells or whatever and the back and forth starts all over again. It's a nightmare for the OW.

 

Agree. Be advised OP, there are women on this site who get their man, live together, get a dog, and then as time goes by and they start talking about buying a house, or getting married, or whatever other reason... the man decides that he can’t leave his family... the OW thought she had “won” her man, she thought they were moving forward and building a life together, only to find the rug has been pulled out from underneath them. This guy may well be one of those men. Be careful.

[PhoenixRising8]

Ugh... more lies.

 

That's who he is at this point.

 

I guess it is.

 

I don't get it. How does a man tell his wife he wants to separate and do everything possible in actions that he apparently has not done before, like stay out all night, including the night of her birthday, and not mean that he really and truly is not happy and wants out? Why tell both your kids you want to separate? What the hell is the point? If he were just trying to get the wife's attention, he got it 9 weeks ago. If he wanted his cake and to eat it, he would be more discreet and less overt. I wasn't making demands until he dropped the separation discussion. I just don't get it.

[PhoenixRising8]

Agree. Be advised OP, there are women on this site who get their man, live together, get a dog, and then as time goes by and they start talking about buying a house, or getting married, or whatever other reason... the man decides that he can’t leave his family... the OW thought she had “won” her man, she thought they were moving forward and building a life together, only to find the rug has been pulled out from underneath them. This guy may well be one of those men. Be careful.

 

Yes, I agree. The more I am thinking about it, the more I wonder how I can tolerate a lifetime of this indecisive behaviour. He has NO backbone. We are both senior level professionals who have to make decisions every day, sometimes tough ones. I have no idea how he makes any decisions at work.