BaileyB Posted November 16, 2018 Share Posted November 16, 2018 I agree that actions speak louder than words. So far Jim’s actions (except the last and final action) clearly demonstrate where he wants to be and that doesn’t appear to be at home with BS. Are you sure about that? Many here would disagree - based on the fact that he is still living at home and has given you a laundry list of reasons why he has not filed divorce papers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted November 16, 2018 Share Posted November 16, 2018 As I suspected, there are many difference between our stories. I am very glad it worked out for you WOW. Wish you all the best! I can imagine that these children had a long time to come to terms with the fact that the relationship between their parents was over. They may have been very well aware that there was no love lost between their parents and it probably came as no surprise that their father found another relationship. And then it does become, I just want my parents to be happy (as it did with my father). To their credit, it sounds like these parents have raised mature, well-adjusted children. I suppose the common thread is - how the MM handles the situation with his kids will very much influence future relationships. And, every individual and every relationship is very different. Thanks Baily.... my H and his ex surely raised some awesome kids. And I am grateful that the ex graciously shares them with me, as well as the grandkids! My life is richer because of all of them. (including the Ex. that woman's fashion advice has saved me on more than one occasion!) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 16, 2018 Share Posted November 16, 2018 Has MM even filed for divorce yet? It looks like he goes along with communications from his wife that look like they are a team and working on things together...? If not - he's giving her the impression there is STILL two parts to that whole! She's letting him know he needs to participate more within the family! This is NOT a scenario where the wife thinks he's leaving the marriage! YOU may be lead to believe that - but from the info he gives - it doesn't look that way! When is he filing? Or is he even filing at this point? Either way she's pointing out that he's being a crappy father - and I agree - he isn't home enough to give his kid energy. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 16, 2018 Share Posted November 16, 2018 (edited) Why don't you go no contact with him for a few weeks so he can see what life is like without having you to make things bearable for him at home? See if he misses you enough to DO SOME THINGS to change his future. Edited November 16, 2018 by S2B 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted November 16, 2018 Share Posted November 16, 2018 Why don't you go no contact with him for a few weeks so he can see what life is like without having you to make things bearable for him at home? See if he misses you enough to DO SOME THINGS to change his future. Not a bad idea at all. I instituted a no contact policy on the weekends when he was at home with his then wife. It made me feel better (ha... did not care if he liked it or not). This may give you some mental peace and help you to avoid the "he said, she said" drama. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 16, 2018 Share Posted November 16, 2018 Why don't you go no contact with him for a few weeks so he can see what life is like without having you to make things bearable for him at home? See if he misses you enough to DO SOME THINGS to change his future. Agreed. It may give you both some time to think and perhaps, a different perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 17, 2018 Author Share Posted November 17, 2018 Has MM even filed for divorce yet? It looks like he goes along with communications from his wife that look like they are a team and working on things together...? If not - he's giving her the impression there is STILL two parts to that whole! She's letting him know he needs to participate more within the family! This is NOT a scenario where the wife thinks he's leaving the marriage! YOU may be lead to believe that - but from the info he gives - it doesn't look that way! When is he filing? Or is he even filing at this point? Either way she's pointing out that he's being a crappy father - and I agree - he isn't home enough to give his kid energy. Sheesh I must have terrible communication skills. Let me try this again ... she is giving him the same message as I am. The uncertainty of whether he stays or leaves is causing anxiety for everyone. In other words, he should $hit or get off the pot. Not sure how that translates to they are working together. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 17, 2018 Author Share Posted November 17, 2018 Why don't you go no contact with him for a few weeks so he can see what life is like without having you to make things bearable for him at home? See if he misses you enough to DO SOME THINGS to change his future. I believe I've already stated I am going away for 3 weeks end of December into mid January. His opportunity to not see me and feel life without me ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 17, 2018 Author Share Posted November 17, 2018 Are you sure about that? Many here would disagree - based on the fact that he is still living at home and has given you a laundry list of reasons why he has not filed divorce papers. It's a massive life altering decision. If you had seen his turmoil tonight you'd know it isn't just excuses. He is trying to figure out how he leaves and make sure she and the son in particular are OK. I told him to leave since he can't commit but he couldn't. Staying with me was more important than answering her calls. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 I believe I've already stated I am going away for 3 weeks end of December into mid January. His opportunity to not see me and feel life without me ... When you're gone does that mean you don't plan to take calls/texts from him while away? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Sheesh I must have terrible communication skills. Let me try this again ... she is giving him the same message as I am. The uncertainty of whether he stays or leaves is causing anxiety for everyone. In other words, he should $hit or get off the pot. Not sure how that translates to they are working together. The letter she gave him is what indicates she thinks they are working on the marriage. A letter gushing about him as her husband isn't a woman who expects he's planning to divorce her. He may be saying that - but her mind is thinking they can work out the issues... possibly because his actions aren't showing he's leaving her. She's still in the dark. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 17, 2018 Author Share Posted November 17, 2018 When you're gone does that mean you don't plan to take calls/texts from him while away? Correct. I will not. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 17, 2018 Author Share Posted November 17, 2018 The letter she gave him is what indicates she thinks they are working on the marriage. A letter gushing about him as her husband isn't a woman who expects he's planning to divorce her. He may be saying that - but her mind is thinking they can work out the issues... possibly because his actions aren't showing he's leaving her. She's still in the dark. Or perhaps it is a woman who is trying to hold on ... Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Or perhaps it is a woman who is trying to hold on ... Yes, perhaps. I am concerned for you... I can see you do believe he's trying to leave... But I am genuinely concerned you may be duped. :-( Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 17, 2018 Author Share Posted November 17, 2018 Yes, perhaps. I am concerned for you... I can see you do believe he's trying to leave... But I am genuinely concerned you may be duped. :-( Thanks for your concern. I can honestly say that some days I have my doubts he will leave. For now, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt but that won't be for much longer. My trip will be the beginning of the end possibly. Wish I could do NC now but I just haven't found the strength yet. Being with my cousins, who I'm very close to and who know everything, will help me start to move on. And this folks is why affairs are not a good idea. I truly thought it was a way to survive my marriage and keep it going. We were on the same page where our spouses were concerned until it changed. At his instigation. Now I'm the single one and he's still waffling. The affair made a mess of my life. Wouldn't recommend it to my worst enemy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 In order to transition to your upcoming vacation time... Can you minimize/reduce your communications with him between now and the end of the year? This may help you when you go away and it could also potentially help you gain some clarity between now and then. It could be less of a shock when you're in vacay... minimal withdrawals. Sometimes... when a person is so busy listening to lots of "chatter" they can't process what may or may not be happening at the same time. He may be overloading your brain with info so you don't recognize his inaction to change things. Plus, you don't need to be his sounding board for his crap at home - he should be paying a professional $150-$200 an hour for that. I don't want you to be his dumping ground for all his crap he's created. If you minimize the contact - it would be interesting to see if he talks more about you - or his life at home when he calls. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 Thanks for your concern. I can honestly say that some days I have my doubts he will leave. For now, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt but that won't be for much longer. My trip will be the beginning of the end possibly. Wish I could do NC now but I just haven't found the strength yet. Being with my cousins, who I'm very close to and who know everything, will help me start to move on. And this folks is why affairs are not a good idea. I truly thought it was a way to survive my marriage and keep it going. We were on the same page where our spouses were concerned until it changed. At his instigation. Now I'm the single one and he's still waffling. The affair made a mess of my life. Wouldn't recommend it to my worst enemy. Well by the way you describe your husband and how you feel about him isn't it a good thing that you left him, regardless of what the MM does? Even if the MM doesn't leave the affair motivated you to get out of a terrible marriage so why do feel that it has made a mess of your life? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 And if I may add to Anika's previous post, if this relationship does not work out perhaps you can make your peace by deciding that this relationship has served its purpose - it helped you to leave a bad marriage and it has given you the hope that you will find love again in another relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 17, 2018 Share Posted November 17, 2018 I told him to leave since he can't commit but he couldn't. Staying with me was more important than answering her calls. Keeping you on board IS more important atm, as you can walk at any minute, and he doesn't want that. You also have the power to blow up his marriage, if you decide to tell the wife, he would then be seen by some as "the bad guy with an OW" , not "the poor guy who tried his best but could no longer stay..." He has to be careful not to upset you too much, as you could turn into a loose cannon... No wonder he is stressed out and in turmoil. He is conflict avoidant and has ended up in conflict, so of course he will not be happy, but try not to assume too much as to the root of his unhappiness. Projecting your own feelings onto him, may not do you any favours. On the other hand, he knows his wife is going nowhere, he has probably always known that and her letter to him proved that. If she gets upset at being ignored, he can always smooth the waters when he gets home. "Sorry darling, bad signal area, my phone was inadvertently on silent, work is just crazy atm..." He knows she will put up with his nonsense, he knows you likely won't put up with being low priority, so he panders to you and neglects her, as that suits his purpose better and gives him an easier life. Seems to me that most MM have one thing in common and that is he tends to love only one person and that is himself. Other people can be just pawns in the game. Be aware. Anything he does, is thus usually geared towards what is best and easiest for him... Something for you to read, it is a short article but it is illuminating as to why people cheat if not for just sex.. Google the "Infidelity Megafecta". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 And this folks is why affairs are not a good idea. I truly thought it was a way to survive my marriage and keep it going. We were on the same page where our spouses were concerned until it changed. At his instigation. Now I'm the single one and he's still waffling. The affair made a mess of my life. Wouldn't recommend it to my worst enemy. Well said. Even though my affair was short and drama-free, I still tell people to RUN. Bad idea, all around. It will take even the most confident of a person and mess with their head. Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 LKK - I think it would be an excellent idea to go totally no contact with him for the three weeks while you are away. I know it will be hard, but trust me, you will get a better idea of where he stands. Then, when you get back, do not see him until he has moved out. I know this stuff sounds radical, but, as others have said, you need to protect yourself first and foremost. You cannot allow him to be comfortable having a wife and a mistress. He had his cake, it is time to take it away and see what he is going to do. I took a very hard line with my MM during our affair, and I am very glad I did. He knew, with no uncertainty that I felt like I was the prize (as you are). (please note i mean no disrespect to his former wife by that statement..... ) I decided what i would and would not deal with and held that line. I really think you will be better off if you try something similar, considering where you two are at in this right now. The words have all been spoken, the only thing left for him to do is move out. Either he does it, or he does not. If he does not do it now, then likely he never will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 LKK - I think it would be an excellent idea to go totally no contact with him for the three weeks while you are away. I know it will be hard, but trust me, you will get a better idea of where he stands. I think if she goes no contact on holiday, the holiday will be ruined due to "grieving", and when she comes back she will rush straight into his arms, whether he has left or not. It is then back to square one. I think this needs to start now, 9+ weeks is ridiculous. A sum total of nothing has happened, since he supposedly told his wife he was going and they all then "ganged up" on him. He is 50+ and a grown man... Xmas is going to be hell for LilKat, sitting there waiting alone... Better to get NC in motion now, apply some pressure, so that if nothing transpires, she can "recover" over the holiday. JMO 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 I think if she goes no contact on holiday, the holiday will be ruined due to "grieving", and when she comes back she will rush straight into his arms, whether he has left or not. It is then back to square one. I think this needs to start now, 9+ weeks is ridiculous. A sum total of nothing has happened, since he supposedly told his wife he was going and they all then "ganged up" on him. He is 50+ and a grown man... Xmas is going to be hell for LilKat, sitting there waiting alone... Better to get NC in motion now, apply some pressure, so that if nothing transpires, she can "recover" over the holiday. JMO I agree. If this is your plan, I'm not sure what you are waiting. But, that is who I am. I don't deal well with uncertainty. Dragging this out is hurtful to absolutely everyone involved... If he thinks waiting will give his family one more "holiday to remember," I would say that I can't imagine that it will be a happy holiday for anyone... Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 I agree. Immediate NC is the way to go. Op, you can't think straight as long as you let him stay in charge. And he's most definitely in charge of both you and his wife because you let him be. I know you think you know that everything he tells you about his marriage and home life is true, I know you think you've heard and seen "proof". You've heard and seen what he's allowed you to. You might be horribly surprised at what remains hidden. He's still there. With her. Leave him alone and don't respond to any contact he makes while he works things out with his family. Focus on yourself and what you need to work out for yourself. You need a little time on your own, without your husband, without this MM. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted November 18, 2018 Share Posted November 18, 2018 Do your adult children know you're seeing this MM? Have they met him? What do they say about your situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts