Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[BaileyB]

Ugh. You are still talking to him...

 

I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be cynical. But, you have opened the door to him... it’s probably only a matter of time now until you find yourself right back where you started.

 

I actually can’t believe that you are still talking to him. The two of you have no boundaries - how in the world do you think you are going to be able to move on if he is still in your life.

Edited November 28, 2018 by BaileyB

[FMW]

My xMM told me all the time I was his best friend, that he told me things he didn't tell others, that he couldn't believe what a strong bond he felt with me.

 

We spent many hours (days) in non-sexual activities, golfing, hiking, road trips, etc.

 

I'm the one who shaved his head when the chemo started making his hair fall out in chunks, not his wife who he had spent time with just a few hours earlier.

 

He told me he loved me and that I was special and different for him. He seemed genuinely stressed and torn up about the situation. He said he could see us living together happily in a long term relationship. We were "together" for over 3 years.

 

Then he ghosted me. And three months later popped back up with another woman. One who apparently is much more ok with his remaining married. And reached out to me wanting to see me again.

 

I know you believe your situation is special and different. But the bottom line is he is NOT with you, he's with her. That tells you all you need to know. It doesn't really matter why. You just aren't ready to accept it yet.

 

I get that you need to believe it was real, that he really does love you. And maybe he does. But again, it just doesn't matter because he's not willing to do anything about it. He's just jerking you around, keeping you hanging on the line. And you're allowing it. You are very clearly still available to him, even if you do put up a little protest here and there with him. You're still accepting his contact and responding. You'll never have any clarity that way.

Edited November 28, 2018 by Finding my way

[elaine567]

Compartmentalising.

MM are very good at it.

"Finding my ways" man merely shut her in her box for a while, whilst he opened a new box to put his second OW into, he then thought FMW would still be there waiting till he opened up her little compartment again.

 

Problem with MM and OWs, is that he usually gets away with it. He puts wife and kids in one box and his OW in another and whilst the wife may be oblivious

to her box, the OW isn't but is often just thankful for what she can get. He is "da man" and is as happy as Larry.

 

LilKat you are still "waiting"... waiting for that call...

Still in that little box he put you in.

[Starswillshine]

I want to point out, that moving on doesnt mean finding someone to date. In fact, I think dating someone right now would be extremely irresponsible and not fair to anyone that comes around. You shouldnt date while you are still pining away for someone else. Hoping they chose you.

 

Moving on means healing. It means personal growth. It means looking inside you and fixing the things that make you feel you need a relationship. Because if dont do this, you can be setting yourself up to settle for toxicity again. You need to heal. You need to grow. And you need to love yourself enough to only settle for the absolute best. He isnt it... ANY man who will cheat is NOT the best. It doesnt matter the "excuse".

[WasOtherWoman]

Compartmentalising.

MM are very good at it.

"Finding my ways" man merely shut her in her box for a while, whilst he opened a new box to put his second OW into, he then thought FMW would still be there waiting till he opened up her little compartment again.

 

Problem with MM and OWs, is that he usually gets away with it. He puts wife and kids in one box and his OW in another and whilst the wife may be oblivious

to her box, the OW isn't but is often just thankful for what she can get. He is "da man" and is as happy as Larry.

 

LilKat you are still "waiting"... waiting for that call...

Still in that little box he put you in.

 

That post brings back some memories for me. We were in my then MMs office many years ago, right in the second week of our affair. He actually drew circles on a piece of paper to depict his then wife, his company and me. I was like WHAT??????????? Um, no that is not going to work for me, but thanks anyway! I then took the pen, crossed off the wife, and created one circle that included his company and me. This is what i will accept, and nothing less.

 

LKK as i said before, I know this stuff is all hard to hear, but just read some stories on here please. I get the feeling of friendship with your man, but just please take care of yourself first. Only you know if your healing is helped or hurt by continued discussions....

Edited November 28, 2018 by WasOtherWoman
missing part of sentence

[PhoenixRising8]

Ugh. You are still talking to him...

 

I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be cynical. But, you have opened the door to him... it’s probably only a matter of time now until you find yourself right back where you started.

 

I actually can’t believe that you are still talking to him. The two of you have no boundaries - how in the world do you think you are going to be able to move on if he is still in your life.

 

I haven’t opened the door. To me that means seeing him and getting back into the relationship. I’m not prepared to do that. Since his birthday, and particularly mine, I’ve been thinking a lot of all the reasons why it has to end. The list is not short by any means. I haven’t found the 2 calls have changed my belief in that conclusion.

[PhoenixRising8]

{snip} I get that you need to believe it was real, that he really does love you. And maybe he does. But again, it just doesn't matter because he's not willing to do anything about it. He's just jerking you around, keeping you hanging on the line. And you're allowing it. You are very clearly still available to him, even if you do put up a little protest here and there with him. You're still accepting his contact and responding. You'll never have any clarity that way.

 

Thanks for sharing that FMW. Your experience sounds very familiar, except the chemo and other OW. We all want to believe we and our relationships are special and unique. I’ve recently realized that the predictions made here are more accurate than I believed they would be. Disappointed but it’s true.

Edited November 29, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PhoenixRising8]

Compartmentalising.

MM are very good at it.

"Finding my ways" man merely shut her in her box for a while, whilst he opened a new box to put his second OW into, he then thought FMW would still be there waiting till he opened up her little compartment again.

 

Problem with MM and OWs, is that he usually gets away with it. He puts wife and kids in one box and his OW in another and whilst the wife may be oblivious

to her box, the OW isn't but is often just thankful for what she can get. He is "da man" and is as happy as Larry.

 

LilKat you are still "waiting"... waiting for that call...

Still in that little box he put you in.

 

I’m actually not waiting. If he calls, he does. I’ve ignored numerous calls, 2 today in fact. I’ve only taken 2. I haven’t found they set me back, but actually helped because when he gets into the “I miss you” I’ve been able to say to him that was his choice and now I choose to keep it that way because I’m not prepared to go back to the prior status quo.

[PhoenixRising8]

I want to point out, that moving on doesnt mean finding someone to date. In fact, I think dating someone right now would be extremely irresponsible and not fair to anyone that comes around. You shouldnt date while you are still pining away for someone else. Hoping they chose you.

 

Moving on means healing. It means personal growth. It means looking inside you and fixing the things that make you feel you need a relationship. Because if dont do this, you can be setting yourself up to settle for toxicity again. You need to heal. You need to grow. And you need to love yourself enough to only settle for the absolute best. He isnt it... ANY man who will cheat is NOT the best. It doesnt matter the "excuse".

 

I’m not dating anyone and don’t intend to for the moment. I have a plan for myself through to at least mid January which is all related to family and friends. I know it may seem sometimes that I don’t love myself or have high self esteem but that actually not true. I am accomplished in my field, successful, intelligent and deserve more. I’ve put up with too much already in the name of love and I won’t do it anymore. The ex kicked the fight for live out of me.

[PhoenixRising8]

That post brings back some memories for me. We were in my then MMs office many years ago, right in the second week of our affair. He actually drew circles on a piece of paper to depict his then wife, his company and me. I was like WHAT??????????? Um, no that is not going to work for me, but thanks anyway! I then took the pen, crossed off the wife, and created one circle that included his company and me. This is what i will accept, and nothing less.

 

LKK as i said before, I know this stuff is all hard to hear, but just read some stories on here please. I get the feeling of friendship with your man, but just please take care of yourself first. Only you know if your healing is helped or hurt by continued discussions....

 

Oh if only I knew then what I know now. There are definitely things I would do differently.

[PinkPampies]

LilKitKat

I read your whole post and honestly, you seemed so grounded throughout the whole thing. You definite seemed to understand the consequences and did t have your hopes up too much.

 

But let me tell you that keeping open contact will only further your pain. It’ll never stop until you go nc. Unknowingly to you, ANY contact will keep you thinking there is some chance he will leave.

 

I’m a divorced BS. my ex would tel the few women he cheated on me all the lies in the world about how miserable he was, how he hated me, etc. I know. I spoke with one of them. But in the end, I had to pay him off and do everything in my power to divorce him. He did not want to leave. Why? Because he had a faithful wife at home, kids, a home.

 

It’s just too much for them to give up.

 

Save yourself further heartache and go no contact. Don’t tell him you’re doing it, don’t explain, don’t say sorry. You owe him NOTHING. just block him everywhere. Time will heal this wound. Good luck.

[S2B]

Evidence shows you won't ever get past him/the affair until you cease all contact with him and give yourself enough time away from him - that you aren't thinking of him any longer.

 

 

Him contacting you is his way of making sure you don't stop thinking about him. And honestly, that's still completely cruel and selfish of HIM!

 

If you can't see that it's still self serving for him - something's wrong.

[S2B]

Be prepared moving toward Christmas...

 

He will bait you...likely saying he has a gift for you he wants to give you.

 

That's his way of manipulating you into seeing him again. Sex for him too.

[PhoenixRising8]

LilKitKat

I read your whole post and honestly, you seemed so grounded throughout the whole thing. You definite seemed to understand the consequences and did t have your hopes up too much.

 

But let me tell you that keeping open contact will only further your pain. It’ll never stop until you go nc. Unknowingly to you, ANY contact will keep you thinking there is some chance he will leave.

 

I’m a divorced BS. my ex would tel the few women he cheated on me all the lies in the world about how miserable he was, how he hated me, etc. I know. I spoke with one of them. But in the end, I had to pay him off and do everything in my power to divorce him. He did not want to leave. Why? Because he had a faithful wife at home, kids, a home.

 

It’s just too much for them to give up.

 

Save yourself further heartache and go no contact. Don’t tell him you’re doing it, don’t explain, don’t say sorry. You owe him NOTHING. just block him everywhere. Time will heal this wound. Good luck.

 

We all process and deal with things differently. For me, I am highly analytical and seek out answers, which has made me highly successful in my field but in a situation such as this is not highly productive as I have come to realize. Another way I process is to seek evidence of inconsistencies and validation of lies. In this respect, I have found that continuing to speak to him here and there has been helpful because slowly but surely he is removing the rose coloured tint I’ve been seeing him through.

 

The first 6-7 months, we were perfect; he was perfect. He was so loving and supportive; always there for me and always available during my darkest hours. I honestly don’t know how I would have gone through the devastation that I went through with what my ex did to me and my daughter without him. He was my Prince Charming, my knight in shining armour. The last couple of months, and the last 4 weeks in particular, it so much. The armour is tarnished significantly.

 

Sometimes when you let people talk and you really listen, you hear the truth, despite yourself. So here’s the latest: he misses me like no one ever and he’s still working through resolving the guilt associated with his marriage and pending departure. Yes he says he still intends to leave. To facilitate that departure he intends to go on vacation with his wife just after I return from my trip to a very romantic island. His friends Dick and Jane will go with them. He and Dick will spend the day cycling so he will only have evenings and nights with her. He believes that vacation will prove to her that the marriage is dead and she will resist his departure to a much lesser degree. Then he can return home and leave her for good hopefully. I honestly didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the stupidity of his “plan”.

 

I started to question him on how he would deal with being in the same bedroom, much less the same bed for 10-14 days. Well he would reject any seduction attempts. And if that made her feel rejected and angry how would that bode well for the rest of the trip? Is that fair to their travel companions and long time friends to have to deal with their vacation being negatively impacted? Well he apparently hadn’t thought of that. And how would BS and the kids view his going on vacation and then splitting up after that? Well he will just preface the vacation with not to expect anything other than it’s a last ditch attempt. Playing along I asked him to think about how much that would hurt her, and how difficult and hurtful that would be to me. When I asked if that mattered he said “maybe,maybe not. Time will tell”. We were talking about to leave or not to leave and he got frustrated at the fact we were embarking on our circular conversation and the only thing he has to say was “I don’t need this after working a 15 hour day”! He doesn’t need it?!?! What about what BS and I need? It’s all about him.

 

He says he still has guilt that his departure would cause “irreparable devastation to BS and the kids”. Irreparable devastation... I kid you not! I told him that his ego is massive if he believes that. My daughter had her entire world and identity ripped out from under her and she has survived. I also told him that the kids are nothing but an excuse and not a valid reason.

 

It really was all about us until a couple of months ago because I was vulnerable and he gave me what I needed at the time. What I’m seeing in the last month or two is vastly different. I now think about BS and I know what she is going through. I am giving him plenty of rope and he is doing a mighty fine job hanging himself.

 

I know everyone says go NC. I believe it’s the wrong approach for me because of my analytical and curious nature. It would drive me mad. What I am doing instead is giving him the opportunity to open my eyes to who he really is: selfish, entitled, massive ego, cruel beyond belief. It’s getting much easier to forget the perfection of our first 6-7 months as that is being overshadowed by the events of the last month or two. I am near the point where NC will not be difficult. My out of town trips for Christmas will be a perfect end point.

Edited December 7, 2018 by LilKatKat

[PhoenixRising8]

Be prepared moving toward Christmas...

 

He will bait you...likely saying he has a gift for you he wants to give you.

 

That's his way of manipulating you into seeing him again. Sex for him too.

 

I’m really not concerned about Christmas as I am leaving town the morning of the 22nd to see my daughter and then flying to Europe until mid January.

 

I’m not too concerned about the sex thing. He isn’t the only one who benefits there

Edited December 7, 2018 by LilKatKat

[FMW]

I analyze everything to death.

 

I posted here on this forum the same thing, that NC wasn't the right thing for me. That I couldn't and wouldn't just cut him off. That I could maintain some contact but still move ahead with my life whether we ended up together or not.

 

Guess what? Turns out those telling me to cut all contact were right. There was no way I would or could move forward because staying in contact meant that hope was still alive. Being analytical doesn't mean you aren't capable of being led down the wrong path by your heart.

 

Talk is cheap, useless and meaningless. That's all he's giving you and he's doing that to keep you hanging on. And your telling yourself (and us) that you see at least some of his bull**** doesn't mean you aren't still hooked and waiting around for him.

 

But you're going to have to figure that out for yourself. I hope you use your time away to gain some clarity.

 

If I sound kind of rough on you it's because I see myself in some of what you write and I wish so very badly that I would have stopped the madness a year ago (two years into the affair) when I started posting here.

[PhoenixRising8]

I analyze everything to death.

 

I posted here on this forum the same thing, that NC wasn't the right thing for me. That I couldn't and wouldn't just cut him off. That I could maintain some contact but still move ahead with my life whether we ended up together or not.

<snip>

 

I have a timeline in mind for NC for myself and that is thr trip. Up until now it has been difficult because he and us was perfect. I am in the process of disengaging emotionally by discovering who he is. I am coming to the realization that he isn’t Prince Charming. He is anything but. I have said to him numerous times that if he is strinbing me along so he can have the best of both worlds then he is being cruel and is no better than my ex. He insisted he wouldn’t be that cruel because he know how much I have gone through. Sadly, actions speak louder than words and I am on the verge of being done. There will be no looking back when that happens because that’s just how I’m built.

Edited December 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[anika99]

I analyze everything to death.

 

I posted here on this forum the same thing, that NC wasn't the right thing for me. That I couldn't and wouldn't just cut him off. That I could maintain some contact but still move ahead with my life whether we ended up together or not.

<snip>

 

Agree with the above 100%.

 

OP that you are still having these kinds of conversations with him indicates that you are still very much involved with him. If you were really working on letting go you wouldn't even bother with these arguments. When he tells you his stupid plans you would just say "okay, whatever. Let me know how that works out for you" But instead you push back, you ask him to consider your feelings about his vacation, you tell him not to use his kids as an excuse. Everything you said to him still screams "please pick me"

 

And by continuing to have these conversations you are dragging this out much longer than it needs to be. You could just tell him that you are done, that his choices are to either stay in his marriage or leave but you are not going to waste anymore of your precious life having circular conversations about it. Tell him he can call you once he's left otherwise have a nice life. You don't do that because you are still holding onto that tiny shred of hope.

Edited December 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[PhoenixRising8]

Agree with the above 100%.

 

OP that you are still having these kinds of conversations with him indicates that you are still very much involved with him. If you were really working on letting go you wouldn't even bother with these arguments. When he tells you his stupid plans you would just say "okay, whatever. Let me know how that works out for you" But instead you push back, you ask him to consider your feelings about his vacation, you tell him not to use his kids as an excuse. Everything you said to him still screams "please pick me"

 

And by continuing to have these conversations you are dragging this out much longer than it needs to be. You could just tell him that you are done, that his choices are to either stay in his marriage or leave but you are not going to waste anymore of your precious life having circular conversations about it. Tell him he can call you once he's left otherwise have a nice life. You don't do that because you are still holding onto that tiny shred of hope.

 

I truly have no illusion he is leaving and I have little doubt even if he did leave that he wouldn’t continue to be drawn back for one reason or another. The last few weeks have been an eye opener and I needed that so I wouldn’t always wonder. I pretty much have my answers and a different viewpoint which will make it easy for me to shut the door without looking back. I needed to see the real man and now that I believe I have I know I deserve better. I know it’s a waste of time. I know the drama would continue. I know he doesn’t deserve me. I just had to get there in my own way.

[S2B]

He seriously planned and paid for a vacation to a romantic island as a way to show her they aren't a good match?

 

How stupid does he think you are? Seriously?

 

His manipulationsrun far and wide.

 

His cruelty is gigantic.

 

He planned a trip to get her back! And then he's so mean he presents it to you as way to leave her? No can do.

 

He's an idiot.

 

Let the idiot be alone with the one he's stuck with!

 

He isn't going anywhere - he's right where he CHOOSES to be.

 

Now he's just playing games with you.

 

I'd cut off this silly communication earlier than planned. The 22nd is way to much time to listen to more of his lies.

 

I don't think this is his first affair - he's too good at the manipulation factor to be a first time offender.

[PhoenixRising8]

He seriously planned and paid for a vacation to a romantic island as a way to show her they aren't a good match?

 

How stupid does he think you are? Seriously? His manipulationsrun far and wide. His cruelty is gigantic. He planned a trip to get her back! And then he's so mean he presents it to you as way to leave her? No can do.

 

<snip>

 

It isn’t planned and paid for ... yet. They went to Hawaii 3 years ago and rebooked the same suite for this past November and didn’t go so she rebooked it for end of January but no flights or payments made yet.

 

Is it his first affair? Who the heck knows. I would have sworn it was but now, not quite so sure. For me, this is working as I need to see the man and who he really is and what I’m seeing isn’t a pretty picture. I know that when I pull the plug it will be pulled for good because I know I deserve better than this. Frankly so does she but if she’s prepared to overlook his flaunting his disrespect and his affair, that’s her business.

Edited December 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[S2B]

The timing of the vacation they are planning is just unbelievable.

 

When I see couples do this after an affair it's just such a huge amount of denial that I can't believe it. ?

[elaine567]

Yes he may be "selfish, entitled, massive ego, cruel beyond belief.", but all the damage he is doing to his wife and family is being condoned by you as you continue to string him along, if that is indeed what you are now doing.

If you seriously do not want to prolong the agony for his wife and kids any further then end it.

Do not tell us how cruel he is being, whilst you continue to give him hope and are still talking to him about him leaving for some future with you...

[PhoenixRising8]

The timing of the vacation they are planning is just unbelievable.

 

When I see couples do this after an affair it's just such a huge amount of denial that I can't believe it. ?

 

Why is the timing unbelievable? And it may be denial but what does this mean for the prospect of success? I can’t see how this can be resurrected ....

[elaine567]

How much does she actually know about the affair though?