Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[PhoenixRising8]

He gave me a piece of jewelry within the first month of our affair. I am so tempted to send it to his wife with a note to ask him who he gave it to and tell her she should ask her daughter's friends mother about seeing him with me one Saturday evening out for dinner.

 

I really want to make him squirm for what he put me through with all the promises of wanting us "between now and forever". Bad idea, right?

[PhoenixRising8]

Are you saying you have offered for him to move with you?

 

Yes, that was the plan we discussed.

[PhoenixRising8]

So you gave him the easiest OUT ever and he still hasn't made a move = he's not going to do a thing except make more empty promises a lots of future faking to keep things as they are.

 

His wife isn't changing anything.

 

Change is only up to you!

 

And no - don't do anything more to hurt her.

 

He will find another OW - they always do.

 

Maybe he will find another OW but I doubt it. Not ALL MMs are the same. He wasn't a habitual cheater, nor am I. It was the first for both of us. We both learned from this experience- deal with the primary before you embark on something new.

 

Yes I gave him an easy out but it still takes him leaving. As for whether his promises are empty, Artdeco gave another perspective: walking away from the only woman he's ever been married to (his first real GF, hence his feeling he settled even though he never felt they were entirely compatible) when he knows he has someone else but she doesn't isn't easy. It took me months to finally end my marriage, even though I was emotionally out of the marriage for years.

 

I'm not making excuses for him. I'm just trying to see all sides. He called about an hour ago and I almost didn't take the call. Maybe I shouldn't have but guilt train has been parked again and all it took was a couple of hours being at home with. He isn't conflicted about me. It's how to walk away from 30 years, a sense of obligation and the guilt that overwhelms him every so often. I told him I can't do this any longer. It's too stressful and painful.

[Amethyst68]

What happened to being NC? Didn't last a couple of hours!

[PhoenixRising8]

What happened to being NC? Didn't last a couple of hours!

 

I guess I figured since I saw him today and had talked to him a couple of times, one last call today wouldn't really matter.

[elaine567]

He wasn't a habitual cheater, nor am I. It was the first for both of us.

 

You don't know that, HE told you that.

It may be a first for you but you actually have no idea what he has been up to in this marriage.

 

There are few things more consistent in MM, than the fact they are very good liars, they lie to everyone.

OW tend to think - he doesn't lie to me - but they tend to be wrong unfortunately...

 

For an "amateur" he is doing a pretty good job of stringing you along...

[brigit87]

I guess I figured since I saw him today and had talked to him a couple of times, one last call today wouldn't really matter.

 

LOL!

 

I bet a million dollars this wasn't the last call.

[brigit87]

You don't know that, HE told you that.

It may be a first for you but you actually have no idea what he has been up to in this marriage.

 

There are few things more consistent in MM, than the fact they are very good liars, they lie to everyone.

OW tend to think - he doesn't lie to me - but they tend to be wrong unfortunately...

 

For an "amateur" he is doing a pretty good job of stringing you along...

 

I doubt this is his first time and it won't be the last. OP isn't ready to let go. This might go on another year and then she'll be so messed up but ready to move on. Things can get horrible really quickly.

[Amethyst68]

Just wondering, when you say he's told his kids and they've said to do what makes him happy - do you mean he's actually told the truth? That he's cheating on their mother? Or was it some sob story about them moving apart etc?

[PhoenixRising8]

You don't know that, HE told you that.

It may be a first for you but you actually have no idea what he has been up to in this marriage.

 

There are few things more consistent in MM, than the fact they are very good liars, they lie to everyone.

OW tend to think - he doesn't lie to me - but they tend to be wrong unfortunately...

 

For an "amateur" he is doing a pretty good job of stringing you along...

 

You are likely correct that most MM are the same and are habitual cheaters but I tend to believe him in this case. For one, he only has one credit card which is joint and he has used it repeatedly for expenses he shouldn’t such as dinners and the occasional hotel. All his wife has to do is look at the statements and her suspicions would be heightened.

 

As for stringing me along, he could be. Or he could be genuinely conflicted about leaving a 30 year relationship, not because he doesn’t want to but because it is difficult and I know this from experience. I guess time will tell.

[PhoenixRising8]

LOL!

 

I bet a million dollars this wasn't the last call.

 

You are correct. He called again when he went to bed.

[PhoenixRising8]

I doubt this is his first time and it won't be the last. OP isn't ready to let go. This might go on another year and then she'll be so messed up but ready to move on. Things can get horrible really quickly.

 

I’m fairly certain it is his first because he isn’t covering his tracks very well. Lots of credit card purchases that have nothing to do with business or the family

 

Am I ready to let go? Yes and no. No because I do love him and truly believe we would be happy together. Yes because I now have a plan B and C. Plan B is I’m going to start dating. If he can be married I can date. There are a couple of men that are interested in seeing me so why the hell not? Plan C is moving about 5 hours away in the spring to the same town my daughter is moving to.

 

No, I don’t want to end it with him but I’m also not going to idly sit and wait and be at his beck and call.

[PhoenixRising8]

Just wondering, when you say he's told his kids and they've said to do what makes him happy - do you mean he's actually told the truth? That he's cheating on their mother? Or was it some sob story about them moving apart etc?

 

I heard several call with his kids and he told them he hasn’t been happy in the marriage for years and specifically referred to the separate bedrooms. He also said that he feels both he and his wife would ultimately be happier finding someone they are more compatible with. He also said he hopes they understand. But no, he said nothing about me? How would that help to preserve his relationship with them? We both initially set out to find companionship and some human touch. Finding love was not part of the plan.

[Starswillshine]

You don't know that, HE told you that.

It may be a first for you but you actually have no idea what he has been up to in this marriage.

 

There are few things more consistent in MM, than the fact they are very good liars, they lie to everyone.

OW tend to think - he doesn't lie to me - but they tend to be wrong unfortunately...

 

For an "amateur" he is doing a pretty good job of stringing you along...

 

My WH's OW, "he told me repeatedly that I am the only person he felt he could be 100% honest with. He would never lie to me."

 

Ummmmm........ even when I pointed out all the lies he told her, she thought I was lying. Not the proven liar, but me. After I filed for divorce.

[elaine567]

I’m fairly certain it is his first because he isn’t covering his tracks very well. Lots of credit card purchases that have nothing to do with business or the family

 

 

Very easy to do that if he knows for certain his wife has no access to his credit card statement. It may seem naive, but not if he controls the account.

He may also have many credit cards, how do you know the credit card he uses to take you out is his only or main credit card?

 

 

This is the world of the cheater, assume nothing.

[PhoenixRising8]

And let me guess - you answered.

 

All cheaters lie... that's how they cheat.

 

And you believing everything he says doesn't make any of it true.

 

He's also mean if he's calling you while his wife is right there!

 

We can't help YOU if you're not willing to help YOURSELF.

 

I am willing to help myself hence a plan A,B and C. As Artdeco said earlier, sometimes you need to cut some slack so I am for the moment. But I won’t for too much longer. We have no plans to see each other and there have been no calls or texts. By now we would have had at least 2 calls numerous texts.

 

As for the calls he doesn’t call in front of his wife. They sleep in separate rooms so he only calls once he’s behind closed doors.

[Amethyst68]

I heard several call with his kids and he told them he hasn’t been happy in the marriage for years and specifically referred to the separate bedrooms. He also said that he feels both he and his wife would ultimately be happier finding someone they are more compatible with. He also said he hopes they understand. But no, he said nothing about me? How would that help to preserve his relationship with them? We both initially set out to find companionship and some human touch. Finding love was not part of the plan.

 

 

So he's basically willing to disrespect his wife by discussing their sex life or lack of one but won't be honest enough to put himself in a bad light. Does he not think they would maybe put 2 and 2 together if he leaves and suddenly moves in with you? Or are you to be kept in the background, the mysterious John? The kids never being allowed to visit him while he' s at yours? Will you stay the dirty little secret even if he leaves.

 

There's a reason the truth is so powerful and freeing.

[PhoenixRising8]

So he's basically willing to disrespect his wife by discussing their sex life or lack of one but won't be honest enough to put himself in a bad light. Does he not think they would maybe put 2 and 2 together if he leaves and suddenly moves in with you? Or are you to be kept in the background, the mysterious John? The kids never being allowed to visit him while he' s at yours? Will you stay the dirty little secret even if he leaves.

 

There's a reason the truth is so powerful and freeing.

 

No I won’t stay the dirty little secret IF AND WHEN he leaves. But I have no intention of meeting them day 1. I would like to see how it works with us first. Nothing is guaranteed so I want to make sure he and I can live together before bringing his kids, even though they’re adults, into my home. And maybe I don’t want to taint my relationship with them as the home wrecker. He didn’t wreck mine nor I his. Our marriages were already eroded. That’s how we came to be in the first place. It’s too easy to blame the OW or OM, but for me there wouldn’t have been an OM if my marriage were salvageable.

 

As for discussing his sex life, I suppose as adults they can extrapolate that the parents aren’t having sex. He made a statement of fact, which they already know because they live at home and can see that mom sleeps in one room while dad sleeps in another. Not sure how this is discussing his sex life.

[PhoenixRising8]

He has absolutely no reason to change a thing.

 

Not one.

 

If he wants to see me again he has a reason. As I said, no planned dates ...

[elaine567]

Is he or his wife religious?

Something I only recently became aware of is that some wives/husbands will never divorce no matter how bad it gets, due to religious convictions/beliefs, and pressure from "the church".

Is some of this "guilt" he is expressing actually down to religion maybe?

[PhoenixRising8]

Is he or his wife religious?

Something I only recently became aware of is that some wives/husbands will never divorce no matter how bad it gets, due to religious convictions/beliefs, and pressure from "the church".

Is some of this "guilt" he is expressing actually down to religion maybe?

 

I’m fairly certain neither is a church goer or particularly religious.

[PhoenixRising8]

Is he or his wife religious?

Something I only recently became aware of is that some wives/husbands will never divorce no matter how bad it gets, due to religious convictions/beliefs, and pressure from "the church".

Is some of this "guilt" he is expressing actually down to religion maybe?

 

I didn't say "to see you"

 

I said he has no reason to change anything.

 

He will stay at home with his wife...and keep you on the hook as his OW.

 

Yes, you are his secret.

 

Notice he doesn't call you when he's having dinner with his wife?

 

He waits until she's not around to call you.

 

 

Your life is ultimately dependent on what SHE does or doesn't do... because his life is dependent on what she does or doesn't do.

 

 

He's not leaving her. She holds all the power and he's mad - that's why he has the affair.

 

If I don’t see him I’m not much use to him as an OW. I’m making plans to do my own thing precisely because I don’t want to be on his hook and beck and call.

 

As for his being dependent on what she does or doesn’t do, that isn’t entirely the case. He’s made plenty of plans despite what she had in mind. Her birthday being a perfect example.

 

Agreed I am a secret. Why would he then call when she’s around. He was my secret for the first 3 months. I wasn’t brazen enough to call him in front of my ex either. I wouldn’t even now that we are separated.

 

Will he ever leave her? Time will tell but I’ve decided 2 more months is all I’m prepared to hang on for. That doesn’t mean I will see him. It just means I will give him til the end of the year to decide and act.

[Amethyst68]

Your 2 month deadline takes you to Christians and New Year, do you think you will be emotionally strong enough to stand against any possible emotional manipulations at what can be an extremely difficult time of year?

[PhoenixRising8]

Your 2 month deadline takes you to Christians and New Year, do you think you will be emotionally strong enough to stand against any possible emotional manipulations at what can be an extremely difficult time of year?

 

I already have planned a 3 week trip to visit my cousins in Europe starting January 1 so I will have plenty of time and distance away from MM if he hasn’t got his act together. In the meantime I am starting to date. Have a date on Friday and not with MM.

[PhoenixRising8]

There's actually no better time than the day we are in= today!

 

Better for whom?

 

I am ready to not see him but not ready to give up on him. I’m taking steps to get me there like starting to date and planning a trip for January. This is my transition.

 

I have valid reasons why I believe a lot of what he says but to explain every detail would take too much space and too much effort. Yes I know what the statistics are but I also know that not every person, be they OM/OW, MM/MW or BS is the same so I am not inclined to paint everyone with the same brush.

 

You say he is a proven cheat and liar. So am I but that was an aberration based on circumstances. For the moment I believe he is coming from the same place. I didn’t have an easy time walking away from 30 years. It took me months. How can I then say oh well, you’ve had your 6 weeks buddy.

 

As for your power comment in an earlier post, that is precisely the problem with many couples. One has the power and the other doesn’t. To me relationships are about compromise not wielding power over someone. He and I have spouses who want the power and control and I for one am sick of it.