Author PhoenixRising8 Posted October 28, 2018 Author Share Posted October 28, 2018 What is he set to lose here if he divorces? It may not just be about the wife. Home, assets, pension plan, social standing, friends, relationship with his kids, his neighbours, his garden, his pets... etc. This is a big wrench, total disruption of life as he knows it, and for what? - the unknown... His relationship with his kids is most important. He was already told by THEM that he needs to do what he thinks is right for him. He won't lose his pension. And we had already decided that we would wait at least 6 months to make our relationship know, since no one knows about me. Financially, he would actually be better off as he wouldn't have a mortgage if he sold and could pay off the line of credit meaning all that expense could now go into retirement saving. I own my home and work so no, finances aren't an issue. And he wouldn't be responsible for support as she makes as much as he does. As for the unknown, sometimes it's better than what you have. But it does take courage and a leap of faith to venture into the unknown. I just know with with how connected and similar we are, the leap is not that big. Obviously just on my end at this point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted October 28, 2018 Author Share Posted October 28, 2018 When I said give him room and space I am saying that you shouldn’t push him to do anything or even push him to keep you informed on the ongoing events. If he wants to talk he wants to talk. Be there then. If not, don’t ask any questions. Unless you really have to. I mean, if you need your questions answered then he should be there for you. And yes , my A turned into an R, but it took a few years, because he had kids, he had assets, he didn’t dislike his W - And neither did his wife dislike him. They were very much a functioning couple. But apparently certain things were missing. And she knew it too. And at some point she understood that a divorce is what he wanted, and as a consequence, a divorce was what she needed as well, in order to be able to Move on. It just took time. And that’s something to be expected. And it was always something I could easily deal with. Because I had my career, I had my friends, I had my life, and he always knew that I was an independent person. I wasn’t waiting around for him. But he just wanted to be with me. Period. His kids are in their mid to late 20's and they aren't a functioning couple. He has no one to confide in, so he confides in me. I get to know all the details and then I ask questions. Curiosity really is killing this Kat. 6 weeks of this on again off again has been torture. Several years would be unbearable. I've already lost 17 lbs in that time frame. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 Yes, he went to the office. He called on the way there and spoke to me while he was disarming the alarm system. I also spoke to him 2 hours ago. I called him and he answered. We spoke for an hour. He wouldn't have answered and talked that long if he were at home. Yes, definitely conflict avoidant, no question. I'm sure his wife knows all she has to do to keep the marriage going is not provoke anything and keep him feeling guilty and separation will not happen. As for not leaving, he didn't plan anything before he dropped the bomb initially. She opened the door and he walked through. She backtracked and since he had nowhere to go, he stayed. I think if he'd planned it, it might have stuck but I guess we will never know ... Cake eater? I didn't think so but now it seems that is the case. Wonder how long he will go NC and how the reconciliation will work out for him. If it's as bad as he made out, I don't see it has a hope. It's a great time for YOU to draw the line in the sand! Go COMPLETELY no contact until he's out on his own and the divorce is final! Then and only then will you know he's an available guy. Anything sooner - and he has absolutely no reason to change a thing! And you will find out for sure if he REALLY intends to be with you. Any person who really intends to be with you will do ANYTHING to make sure it happens. They make all changes necessary to make sure the plan plays out. Right now... he knows you'll still be there for him in every way eventhough he's doing no action to get divorced and live a separate life from his wife! In other words... you are making it super easy for him to date you while he's married. I hope he never does this to you if you end up with him. Some MM will just always have another woman... always. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted October 28, 2018 Share Posted October 28, 2018 So his kids don't care, he'll be financially better off and the only thing he has to do is arrange a rental? Am I right? If he's already told her he's leaving he could be out and in a new place by the end of the week if he's looking for a furnished place! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted October 28, 2018 Author Share Posted October 28, 2018 (edited) So his kids don't care, he'll be financially better off and the only thing he has to do is arrange a rental? Am I right? If he's already told her he's leaving he could be out and in a new place by the end of the week if he's looking for a furnished place! He doesn't even have to arrange a rental .... It's not that his kids don't care. For sure they would prefer they stay together. And yes he would be financially better off EXCEPT he doesn't want the wife and kids to move out of the house and she wouldn't be able to buy him out. Yes, their mid to late 20's kids still both live at home. I'm pretty sure her "Joanne" comment got the guilt train moving again. The last 2 weeks he was making progress and then after that comment, complete reversal. I'm a fairly decisive person. When I make a decision I follow through. He's obviously not that way. That has bothered me. I also don't like the way he's treated his wife the last 6 weeks. It should be easy to say I deserve better and yet all I can think about is that I'm now without contact with the man I love so dearly. I will likely never see him again because if he hasn't left by now, he never will. He has given his wife every sign that he isn't interested in the marriage and yet he won't physically leave and she seems to want to tolerate his antics, at least to this point. How the heck will he make a go of the marriage? How does he just forget us, not compare what we had to what they have and how does he not regret our parting? I know I couldn't avoid the comparisons. Edited October 28, 2018 by LilKatKat Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted October 29, 2018 Author Share Posted October 29, 2018 He gave me a piece of jewelry within the first month of our affair. I am so tempted to send it to his wife with a note to ask him who he gave it to and tell her she should ask her daughter's friends mother about seeing him with me one Saturday evening out for dinner. I really want to make him squirm for what he put me through with all the promises of wanting us "between now and forever". Bad idea, right? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 Are you saying you have offered for him to move with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted October 29, 2018 Author Share Posted October 29, 2018 Are you saying you have offered for him to move with you? Yes, that was the plan we discussed. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 So you gave him the easiest OUT ever and he still hasn't made a move = he's not going to do a thing except make more empty promises a lots of future faking to keep things as they are. His wife isn't changing anything. Change is only up to you! And no - don't do anything more to hurt her. He will find another OW - they always do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted October 29, 2018 Author Share Posted October 29, 2018 So you gave him the easiest OUT ever and he still hasn't made a move = he's not going to do a thing except make more empty promises a lots of future faking to keep things as they are. His wife isn't changing anything. Change is only up to you! And no - don't do anything more to hurt her. He will find another OW - they always do. Maybe he will find another OW but I doubt it. Not ALL MMs are the same. He wasn't a habitual cheater, nor am I. It was the first for both of us. We both learned from this experience- deal with the primary before you embark on something new. Yes I gave him an easy out but it still takes him leaving. As for whether his promises are empty, Artdeco gave another perspective: walking away from the only woman he's ever been married to (his first real GF, hence his feeling he settled even though he never felt they were entirely compatible) when he knows he has someone else but she doesn't isn't easy. It took me months to finally end my marriage, even though I was emotionally out of the marriage for years. I'm not making excuses for him. I'm just trying to see all sides. He called about an hour ago and I almost didn't take the call. Maybe I shouldn't have but guilt train has been parked again and all it took was a couple of hours being at home with. He isn't conflicted about me. It's how to walk away from 30 years, a sense of obligation and the guilt that overwhelms him every so often. I told him I can't do this any longer. It's too stressful and painful. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 I hope next time he calls you can not answer. You'll find out if he intends to make a move when he gets really scared you're not available anymore. If he doesn't make a move when he thinks you'll leave him - he's never gonna leaveher. It's YOUR best way to see if he takes any action. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 What happened to being NC? Didn't last a couple of hours! Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted October 29, 2018 Author Share Posted October 29, 2018 What happened to being NC? Didn't last a couple of hours! I guess I figured since I saw him today and had talked to him a couple of times, one last call today wouldn't really matter. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 So have you decided exactly when you'll implement no contact? If there's no decision it won't happen. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 He wasn't a habitual cheater, nor am I. It was the first for both of us. You don't know that, HE told you that. It may be a first for you but you actually have no idea what he has been up to in this marriage. There are few things more consistent in MM, than the fact they are very good liars, they lie to everyone. OW tend to think - he doesn't lie to me - but they tend to be wrong unfortunately... For an "amateur" he is doing a pretty good job of stringing you along... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 I guess I figured since I saw him today and had talked to him a couple of times, one last call today wouldn't really matter. LOL! I bet a million dollars this wasn't the last call. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 You don't know that, HE told you that. It may be a first for you but you actually have no idea what he has been up to in this marriage. There are few things more consistent in MM, than the fact they are very good liars, they lie to everyone. OW tend to think - he doesn't lie to me - but they tend to be wrong unfortunately... For an "amateur" he is doing a pretty good job of stringing you along... I doubt this is his first time and it won't be the last. OP isn't ready to let go. This might go on another year and then she'll be so messed up but ready to move on. Things can get horrible really quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 Just wondering, when you say he's told his kids and they've said to do what makes him happy - do you mean he's actually told the truth? That he's cheating on their mother? Or was it some sob story about them moving apart etc? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted October 29, 2018 Author Share Posted October 29, 2018 You don't know that, HE told you that. It may be a first for you but you actually have no idea what he has been up to in this marriage. There are few things more consistent in MM, than the fact they are very good liars, they lie to everyone. OW tend to think - he doesn't lie to me - but they tend to be wrong unfortunately... For an "amateur" he is doing a pretty good job of stringing you along... You are likely correct that most MM are the same and are habitual cheaters but I tend to believe him in this case. For one, he only has one credit card which is joint and he has used it repeatedly for expenses he shouldn’t such as dinners and the occasional hotel. All his wife has to do is look at the statements and her suspicions would be heightened. As for stringing me along, he could be. Or he could be genuinely conflicted about leaving a 30 year relationship, not because he doesn’t want to but because it is difficult and I know this from experience. I guess time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted October 29, 2018 Author Share Posted October 29, 2018 LOL! I bet a million dollars this wasn't the last call. You are correct. He called again when he went to bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted October 29, 2018 Author Share Posted October 29, 2018 I doubt this is his first time and it won't be the last. OP isn't ready to let go. This might go on another year and then she'll be so messed up but ready to move on. Things can get horrible really quickly. I’m fairly certain it is his first because he isn’t covering his tracks very well. Lots of credit card purchases that have nothing to do with business or the family Am I ready to let go? Yes and no. No because I do love him and truly believe we would be happy together. Yes because I now have a plan B and C. Plan B is I’m going to start dating. If he can be married I can date. There are a couple of men that are interested in seeing me so why the hell not? Plan C is moving about 5 hours away in the spring to the same town my daughter is moving to. No, I don’t want to end it with him but I’m also not going to idly sit and wait and be at his beck and call. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted October 29, 2018 Author Share Posted October 29, 2018 Just wondering, when you say he's told his kids and they've said to do what makes him happy - do you mean he's actually told the truth? That he's cheating on their mother? Or was it some sob story about them moving apart etc? I heard several call with his kids and he told them he hasn’t been happy in the marriage for years and specifically referred to the separate bedrooms. He also said that he feels both he and his wife would ultimately be happier finding someone they are more compatible with. He also said he hopes they understand. But no, he said nothing about me? How would that help to preserve his relationship with them? We both initially set out to find companionship and some human touch. Finding love was not part of the plan. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 You don't know that, HE told you that. It may be a first for you but you actually have no idea what he has been up to in this marriage. There are few things more consistent in MM, than the fact they are very good liars, they lie to everyone. OW tend to think - he doesn't lie to me - but they tend to be wrong unfortunately... For an "amateur" he is doing a pretty good job of stringing you along... My WH's OW, "he told me repeatedly that I am the only person he felt he could be 100% honest with. He would never lie to me." Ummmmm........ even when I pointed out all the lies he told her, she thought I was lying. Not the proven liar, but me. After I filed for divorce. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 You are correct. He called again when he went to bed. And let me guess - you answered. All cheaters lie... that's how they cheat. And you believing everything he says doesn't make any of it true. He's also mean if he's calling you while his wife is right there! We can't help YOU if you're not willing to help YOURSELF. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 29, 2018 Share Posted October 29, 2018 I’m fairly certain it is his first because he isn’t covering his tracks very well. Lots of credit card purchases that have nothing to do with business or the family Very easy to do that if he knows for certain his wife has no access to his credit card statement. It may seem naive, but not if he controls the account. He may also have many credit cards, how do you know the credit card he uses to take you out is his only or main credit card? This is the world of the cheater, assume nothing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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