WasOtherWoman Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 Yes I do all the answers I needed. He is a parasite that feeds on vulnerability. We were over. There was no reason to start the cycle again for the fourth time. I told him there was no reason to meet if he wasn't leaving and he insisted he was. Guess he didn't believe me when I said I was finished with the affair. I hope he believes me now. Thanks for the support WOW. Knowledge is power. Stay strong, Kat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 8, 2019 Author Share Posted March 8, 2019 Good lord! What would be the point? I have told him repeatedly I no longer want just an affair. If he can't deliver what he offered, we are done. I told him that 2 weeks ago, was NC 10 days, told him the same on Tuesday and he said he was ready to leave and when he waffled yet again I walked out on him last evening. Having said all of that, nothing would surprise me where he is concerned. He has gall, I'll give him that. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 The MM is always trying to restore the equilibrium of having a placated wife and placated OW. All of Tom's statements and actions makes sense in this light. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 8, 2019 Author Share Posted March 8, 2019 Well this xOW is not easily placated lol. Guess it's time to reactivate the AM profile and look for a new one to groom. His profile name was "I'll Give You Passion" . I may keep an eye out for his profile to pop up and send it to BS anonymously. Wouldn't that be a hoot? Link to post Share on other sites
WasOtherWoman Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 Well this xOW is not easily placated lol. Guess it's time to reactivate the AM profile and look for a new one to groom. His profile name was "I'll Give You Passion" ��. I may keep an eye out for his profile to pop up and send it to BS anonymously. Wouldn't that be a hoot? OK, i know you meant that as a joke.. but don't do it! He will figure out it was you, she may also and then you will be sucked into their drama. Have your revenge fantasies.... who can blame you? But keep them as fantasies please!! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 I have told him repeatedly I no longer want just an affair. IF he can't deliver what he offered, we are done..... He has gall, I'll give him that. I know this is very hard for you, but you haven't really ended it. You have merely given him an ultimatum. He sticks around as you have not finished with him. NOT "OK, "You have had your last chance and now we are finished, finito, caput, over, done... get out of my life". BUT instead "I still love and want you, but you need to get your act together." Not the same thing at all. He comes back and will keep coming back as he still thinks he can convince you to change your mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 8, 2019 Author Share Posted March 8, 2019 Not exactly as you stated Elaine. I told him that on the phone before we met last evening. I told him if we were meeting just to resume the affair not to bother. He was adamant he was leaving so I met him, not really expecting that to be the case. When he started waffling and making excuses I said we're done and have a nice life. I then walked out without turning back and drove off without lingering. No fiddling with this or that to see if he would chase. Just left. Don't see how that translates to not finishing with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 9, 2019 Author Share Posted March 9, 2019 (edited) I'm confused as to where I give the impression I believe what he says. I don't. I woke up this morning and more pieces of the puzzle fell into place for me. He has done this before. No doubt in my mind whatsoever. Maybe for a fleeting moment he actually did intend to leave. MAYBE. Maybe he did have some level of feeling for me. MAYBE. But in the end it's irrelevant. Some time ago, he said he'd kept our original messages from the website and he emailed them to me. That I made an impression on him like no one else he'd been messaging with. Even I, the consummate sentimental fool didn't do that. But I had no ulterior motives, he did. In retrospect, even his initial messages, before we met, were over the top. As much as the one I posted here. But I was so starved for attention I didn't see it for what it was. It was spring and summer so he could use cycling as a way to get out of the house. Then there was always working late. He took every opportunity to call or message. It was always the same. Then end of September comes along and he pulled back, ostensibly due to what was going on with the separation discussions. There were two more pull backs. This time because he was dropping balls at work and had to refocus. The calls and messages dropped off. I knew it didn't take long to send off a quick message and I told him so. He never took the hint. He didn't think he had to because he believed I was so besotted I wouldn't see the forest for the trees. But he was wrong. After my birthday, I started to wake up. I started to test him. I wrote my first goodbye note December 3 but he upped his game so I held off. I wrote the second on February 11 but held off again because he love bombed me. I wanted to see if it was genuine, it wasn't. I cancelled the cruise on February 4 but didn't tell him. Just before his trip, I made a breakup playlist and played it when he came over. He wondered if there was a message in the songs. I told him it was on shuffle. He told me we were worth fighting for and then he left because the wife expected him to. That was when I was certain it was a losing battle. After his return, my feelings were different, even when we were together. I didn't enjoy being with him the way I used to. Thursday evening I could barely contain my contempt for him. So no, I believe nothing coming out of his pie hole. Even if he did come back with divorce papers, it wouldn't matter. He is NOT worthy of me or my love. I am worth a LOT more and better. Edited March 9, 2019 by LilKatKat 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Once you have finished being angry and disgusted, it will be time to look at your part in this. The two of you started at the same place. You've got a lot of life ahead of you. Use it well. I wish you all the best. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 He has done this before. No doubt in my mind whatsoever. Some time ago, he said he'd kept our original messages from the website and he emailed them to me. That I made an impression on him like no one else he'd been messaging with. You think he has done this before? What was your first clue... He is a married man! What is he doing messaging women on a dating website? This man was actively looking to cheat on his wife. And, you were one of many women he has been messaging with... who knows how many other women also took the bait. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 You think he has done this before? What was your first clue... He is a married man! What is he doing messaging women on a dating website? This man was actively looking to cheat on his wife. And, you were one of many women he has been messaging with... who knows how many other women also took the bait. They were both looking to cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 They were both looking to cheat. Totally. And that is where all the trouble started... Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 9, 2019 Author Share Posted March 9, 2019 Once you have finished being angry and disgusted, it will be time to look at your part in this. The two of you started at the same place. You've got a lot of life ahead of you. Use it well. I wish you all the best. I have been looking at my part in this, for months now. Yes, we started in the same place, for different reasons. I had already told my ex we were done and the marriage was over. He wouldn't leave and didn't for a couple of months. Not until he had not choice because he had turned our daughter against him also. Why an MM even though singles were out there? Because subconsciously I knew I wasn't ready for someone available. Because I needed to feel alive again after years of feeling dead. Because I needed a lifebouy as I was sinking fast. Because I was desperate. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Why an MM even though singles were out there? Because subconsciously I knew I wasn't ready for someone available. Because I needed to feel alive again after years of feeling dead. Because I needed a lifebouy as I was sinking fast. Because I was desperate. I get that. Really, I hear you Kat. The next part of this however, is to understand how you were able to do something so hurtful to another woman and her children? I understand that you made this decision because you were desperate and you needed a lifeline... you were stuck in your own pain and unable to consider the situation from a different perspective. But respectfully, it’s important to step outside yourself and consider how you could do something that was so hurtful to another person. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 9, 2019 Author Share Posted March 9, 2019 When you are desperate it's self preservation. Every (wo)man for himself. He said it was self preservation for him also. My ex didn't deserve consideration. I didn't think about his wife. That was his vow, his job. Since I will never again be involved with someone with a commitment, that question is irrelevant because my normal rational self wouldn't do that to someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Bittersweetie Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Since I will never again be involved with someone with a commitment, that question is irrelevant because my normal rational self wouldn't do that to someone else. Respectfully, it is not an irrelevant question. After my d-day and all the pain in the aftermath, I vowed I would never have an affair again, after I experienced the consequences firsthand. But that vow was just words without the self-examination/reflection to back them up. You don't need to start it this minute, but your own self-reflection and examination will only help you in the future, not only in relationships, but in your overall mental health. I started just looking at why I would have an affair and I ended up addressing many issues within myself, all of which benefited me and my whole self. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Snipercatt Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 When you are desperate it's self preservation. And, the consequences of your choices are why you find yourself where you were/are. As you declare you won’t find yourself “here”, again, with, or without, Tom, you may find yourself desperate (vulnerable, abandoned, etc.), thus making positive choices will promote better outcomes. Putting a profile on Ashley Madison, most assuredly, guaranteed you’d experience the outcome you experienced. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 9, 2019 Author Share Posted March 9, 2019 I don't disagree. I allowed myself to get so low I wasn't thinking straight. I didn't think what the consequences of an affair would be, the fallout. I didn't think I was capable at that point of attaching or loving. I'm in IC now and will continue. And when I find myself sinking to that dark place, I will seek out IC, if I'm not in it, to get myself out. This has been a major learning experience and I generally don't require the same lesson more than once. Tom was useful for many reasons. He helped me through a bad separation. He made me laugh and feel again. I guess I can thank him for that. But he is broken whether or not he accepts that. And that is not what I need or want in my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 But he is broken... Is "broken" the correct word? Seems to me, he just took advantage of a situation that got him what he wanted. An OW to bolster up his marriage. He was on a dating website looking for an affair, and he got one. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 I allowed myself to get so low I wasn't thinking straight. I didn't think what the consequences of an affair would be, the fallout. I didn't think I was capable at that point of attaching or loving. I'm in IC now and will continue. And when I find myself sinking to that dark place, I will seek out IC, if I'm not in it, to get myself out. Tom was useful for many reasons. He helped me through a bad separation. He made me laugh and feel again. I’m glad that you have now found a more constructive way to deal with a dark place... Devils advocate, did you really not know the consequences of the affair and weren’t you really not capable of attaching or loving? It seems to me, that you got very attached, very quickly. Despite what you say, I wonder if you continue to use the same coping mechanism, given the fact that you went on a date with a new man last week. It seems to me that the “consequence” you wanted was for this man to leave his wife and family. You booked a cruise with this man and you planned to sail of into the sunset together... When you started this thread, you could not be convinced that you were not going to get the outcome you wanted. Things may not have turnd out the way you wanted, I just wonder if you are rewriting history a bit here to make your decisions a little more acceptable... given the outcome. You can disagree with me, and I’m sure you will. Just food for thought... Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Kat, I agree he is broken!! Something is missing in his marriage or he wouldn't need to 'bolster' it. He will search again because he misses excitement, thrill and passion with his wife but he WILL never leave her. None of them do!! So sorry you experienced an axxhole. You, me and many OW were way too trusting Continued to believe these manipulators. They were very good at the game!! They won and got exactly what they needed to boost their egos. Never let him think you are pining for him. Be done and be really done. You will pull through stronger than ever before!! Sending you virtual hugs. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 9, 2019 Author Share Posted March 9, 2019 @Elaine Something in him is not right. He took someone vulnerable, depressed and hopeless and made a full on effort to sweep her off her feet. Then he told her he wanted a life for them, not just an affair. And he took steps to prove to her he wanted them together like telling his spouse he wanted a divorce, now spending weekends with her. And then he started to backtrack, until she finally figured out whether or not he momentarily meant what he said, now he was just prolonging her pain. He knew and she told him, she would rather have the truth. But he lied repeatedly just so he could have what he wanted. He didn't care how he hurt his wife. He didn't care how he hurt someone he professed to love, someone who had just gone through the worst year of her life. That's not broken ... Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 10, 2019 Author Share Posted March 10, 2019 @bailey. I'm not rewriting history. Unless you have been so despondent you aren't thinking straight, you wouldn't understand. So no, I wasn't thinking about long term consequences. I wanted companionship. Someone to talk to and yes someone to find me desirable. It was all supposed to be just a bit of fun. I didn't employ Kepner Tregoe's decision making analysis theory. And after being emotionally dead for years, no I didn't think I could trust, attach and love. Everyone in my life, except my grandparents, had disappointed me, broken my trust, hurt me. Turns out Tom did the same in the end. As for the consequences of him leaving his wife, he wasn't happy with her, they had a bad marriage and he was having a difficult time leaving because of guilt and obligation and a 30 year history. He wanted to leave. He wanted a life with me. I didn't start that whole discussion. Except it was all a ruse. It took me two months to start to wonder if he was being honest and another three to stop making excuses and give up hope. You can think I'm rewriting history if you wish. I doesn't matter in the end. I thank you for the valuable advise you and others have provided. Without that perhaps I would still be hoping an illusion will come to fruition. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 10, 2019 Share Posted March 10, 2019 definition of "broken" suffering emotional pain that is so strong that it changes the way you live, usually as a result of an unpleasant event. Is that him or is that now you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 10, 2019 Author Share Posted March 10, 2019 I've been broken most of my life. He may or may not be broken but he does not live his life in a way that is good and caring and moral. Link to post Share on other sites
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