Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[Abetterme]

Yeah, he's blocked.

 

If only it were so easy to block him from my thoughts and heart.

 

Kat - So happy for you. Such a massive step forward for you. Hope you do something nice for yourself to celebrate your first week taking your life back. Hugs!!

[mark clemson]

We had such passion, compatibility and it was so easy. It really was like no other I've ever experienced before. It's hard to imagine finding that again.

 

 

It hasn't been long at all. Give your brain some time to reset a bit. There are a LOT of people out there.

 

Consider going for those friendships, including both women and men as I suspect it may help. Just be honest about your intent and the men can choose friendship also if they wish.

[PhoenixRising8]

Kat - So happy for you. Such a massive step forward for you. Hope you do something nice for yourself to celebrate your first week taking your life back. Hugs!!

 

It's a massive step that hurts like nothing else ever. I've been so strong all week and tonight I can't stop crying. The pain is excruciating. I wish I could just sleep until I forget.

[Abetterme]

It's a massive step that hurts like nothing else ever. I've been so strong all week and tonight I can't stop crying. The pain is excruciating. I wish I could just sleep until I forget.

 

@kat - I know it does, but you will get through. You will be up down, all over the place and that’s ok. It takes awhile to retrain your brain that this emotional roller coaster isn’t normal or healthy, but it will happen.

 

That’s why I said go out and do something nice for yourself today. A little shopping, a pedicure with your daughter, a glass of wine with a friend. Take it a day a time. You have done the right thing.

[anika99]

It will get easier but it will also take time. It can take 1-2yrs to totally get over a failed relationship and surprisingly ending a toxic unhealthy relationship can be a lot more painful than ending a more normal relationship. I don't say this to discourage you, I say it so that you you won't give up. I think sometimes when people are going through a bad breakup and they still find themselves in pain several months later they start thinking irrationally. They think that the ongoing pain must mean that their ex was really the one for them or they think since this pain is never going to end I may as well get back into the relationship because even though that was painful too at least it felt good sometimes.

 

I was once trapped between being in a bad relationship and getting out of it. He was personality disordered and extremely emotionally and mentally abusive at times but was also the best partner I ever had at other times. Being with him was pain, joy, pain, joy and back to pain. Breaking up with him was just pain, pain, pain. When it got too much to bear I'd go back to him just to get some temporary relief but that would soon turn to pain too. I felt like I was trapped in pain no matter what I did. I went to counseling and she told me that if I really wanted to get this guy out of my system that I needed to commit to 2yrs of total and complete no contact. He and I had long periods of no contact before, once even for 13 months so I didn't see what difference an extra 11 months but I finally listened to her and she was right! 2yrs did the trick.

 

Now I'm not saying that it's going to take you 2yrs. Everyone is different, but I'm just saying don't let the pain play tricks on your mind. There is a light at the end of this tunnel and you will get there if you stay on course. Even though it may take many months or even a year to get over this the pain will not be as bad as it is right now. It's only overwhelming in the very beginning then it starts to subside into a dull ache that only causes sadness from time to time but will eventually disappear. You will begin to feel better in a few weeks.

[Naivewomen]

LK,

 

I'm so proud of you!! U finally reached ur lowest point. I too had to hit rock bottom!! I waited and waited to allow the pain and trauma to overcome my entire being. I was near wanting to sign in to a mental institution just to rest and get some peace. I promise you I know your PAIN. It's very real. It IS the worst amount of pain possible. I have an affair for almost 5 years. It was EA at first then became both. What I can tell you after being 7 months out (so proud of that number now) it does get better. I still pine and crave his voice, touch and etc. I will forever be a changed person but at the sametime he wasnt worthy of my love. Once you recognize your self worth you will feel the same way. I'm happy I didnt waste another day with this man who BTW was happily married. As i am married myself, i swore what we had was lock and key!! I have never experienced a breakup before and if you loved as deeply as i did/do you are in for the long haul. Just try to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Know that hes not dwelling on this the way you are. He probably misses you and may even love you but so what!!! Hes a coward and a weak man if hes not willing to move a mountain for you. Know your value and know you can be an awesome lover!! Screw him!! He lost a great one!!

[PhoenixRising8]

It will get easier but it will also take time. It can take 1-2yrs to totally get over a failed relationship and surprisingly ending a toxic unhealthy relationship can be a lot more painful than ending a more normal relationship. I don't say this to discourage you, I say it so that you you won't give up. I think sometimes when people are going through a bad breakup and they still find themselves in pain several months later they start thinking irrationally. They think that the ongoing pain must mean that their ex was really the one for them or they think since this pain is never going to end I may as well get back into the relationship because even though that was painful too at least it felt good sometimes.

 

I was once trapped between being in a bad relationship and getting out of it. He was personality disordered and extremely emotionally and mentally abusive at times but was also the best partner I ever had at other times. Being with him was pain, joy, pain, joy and back to pain. Breaking up with him was just pain, pain, pain. When it got too much to bear I'd go back to him just to get some temporary relief but that would soon turn to pain too. I felt like I was trapped in pain no matter what I did. I went to counseling and she told me that if I really wanted to get this guy out of my system that I needed to commit to 2yrs of total and complete no contact. He and I had long periods of no contact before, once even for 13 months so I didn't see what difference an extra 11 months but I finally listened to her and she was right! 2yrs did the trick.

 

Now I'm not saying that it's going to take you 2yrs. Everyone is different, but I'm just saying don't let the pain play tricks on your mind. There is a light at the end of this tunnel and you will get there if you stay on course. Even though it may take many months or even a year to get over this the pain will not be as bad as it is right now. It's only overwhelming in the very beginning then it starts to subside into a dull ache that only causes sadness from time to time but will eventually disappear. You will begin to feel better in a few weeks.

 

Thank you Anika for your story and encouragement. Your relationship sounds like mine with my ex. Mostly good in the first 10 years but when it was bad, it was the worst. Knowing I had abandonment issues, when we fought he always said he was leaving and started packing his bags. As he aged and his mind got weaker, his ability to manage his bad behaviour and anger diminished significantly. That's when it started to become intolerable. It took me 30 years and someone (doctor) to tell me he was a narcissist that all of it started to make sense. After doing extensive reading on narcissism, it all started to make sense.

 

As I reflect on Tom, I'm seeing some commonality and wondering if he isn't one also. There is no happy ending with a narcissist. I'll be damned if I give him a year, but it has only been a week so I guess I can accept that.

[PhoenixRising8]

LK,

 

I'm so proud of you!! U finally reached ur lowest point. I too had to hit rock bottom!! I waited and waited to allow the pain and trauma to overcome my entire being. I was near wanting to sign in to a mental institution just to rest and get some peace. I promise you I know your PAIN. It's very real. It IS the worst amount of pain possible. I have an affair for almost 5 years. It was EA at first then became both. What I can tell you after being 7 months out (so proud of that number now) it does get better. I still pine and crave his voice, touch and etc. I will forever be a changed person but at the sametime he wasnt worthy of my love. Once you recognize your self worth you will feel the same way. I'm happy I didnt waste another day with this man who BTW was happily married. As i am married myself, i swore what we had was lock and key!! I have never experienced a breakup before and if you loved as deeply as i did/do you are in for the long haul. Just try to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Know that hes not dwelling on this the way you are. He probably misses you and may even love you but so what!!! Hes a coward and a weak man if hes not willing to move a mountain for you. Know your value and know you can be an awesome lover!! Screw him!! He lost a great one!!

 

Tom has always said he isn't happily married yet he can't seem to leave. I don't know how yet but I will not give him months of pining and overtaking my mind.

 

Good for you for staying strong. You and Aloha will be my inspiration ?

[PhoenixRising8]

Despite how much I made excuses for Tom, you were always right. So you were right again. He left a voicemail on my landline at work and I just picked it up from my mobile. Guess what? He loves me still but wants the best for me and even though he is missing me immensely, he doesn't want to hold me back from living a full life and finding love and companionship with someone who has less baggage but he would still like to be friends ��

 

I am doing a sort of exorcism on myself because I WILL be rid of him from my mind in short order. I'm focussing on all the negatives but also thinking about some things about his background that never actually made sense. I will outline those things and would really appreciate getting some honest assessments.

 

Apparently he was very shy and had a hard time approaching girls so until he was about 24, he never had a real girlfriend (his wife). His first sexual experience was a ONS in a car one night when he was drunk. It was an unexpected 3some (one of the girls was his wife's sister before he met the wife). Apparently he hated it. Then there was his wife and then me. The extent of his sexual experience.

 

So here's what doesn't make sense to me:

 

1. 
   

1. He played football all through high school and was MVP. Yet he didn't date in high school because he was so shy;

2. In university he partied with the boys which involved tequila but aside from that ONS, there was no other sexual experience;

3. His clothes often came off during his tequila escapades, but it was just skinny dipping or streaking;

4. Despite one ONS and only 2 women he has been intimate with, his creativity in the bedroom knows no bounds. Apparently all these positions are ones he's seen in movies and always wanted to try.

1. 
   

 

 

Is it just me, or does this not make sense?

 

When we first met, and for the first 6-7 months, he literally love bombed me. So smooth and charming. And then he started to pull back, slowly. Now he's back to being charming in his voicemail after having been dispassionate in our texts last Sunday. I've been doing some reading on love bombing and it fits what he did.

 

He literally met me days after I told the ex I wanted a separation. He knew I was vulnerable. Did I just spend almost a year with another narcissist? If I have that will definitely help in the exorcism process because no way will I ever allow myself to go there again. Narcissists are toxic and that's all I need to know. It will be mind over matter no doubt.

 

Thanks

Edited March 3, 2019 by LilKatKat

[elaine567]

Take your pick...

Sociopaths, psychopaths, narcissists and "lonely hearts" are those most likely to cheat.

[Naivewomen]

It seems to me that he didnt listen to one word you said. He is unempatheic to your feelings. As if you need his approval to date. As if he wants to set you free so you can find happiness. What hes doing is still throwing in the words but I miss you immensely!! (Words to keep you feeling guilty for leaving). (Words to make you feel his happiness is now ruined). All bxll**** words. The actions never match!! They are experts at manipulation. This is how my affair ended I finally pushed MM to tell me the truth that he wasnt leaving. After the real truth comes out they know they lost their pull with us. The reason we stayed was hope. Once you remove the hope everything feels so phoney and fake. Really belittles a womens character. You are way stronger than this and he knows it. That's why he had to be the best of the best and make you believe he was divorcing. Hes not going anywhere!! Dont fall for his sweet talk lies. Tell him to go groom an unintelligent women. I'm finally getting angry. Took 7 damn months! I am here for your support. Fight through the toxicity. This is not your path to happiness!!! You now know what you require in a relationship and this isnt it!

[Starswillshine]

Kat, I want to also tell you how proud I am of you! You took the steps to get your life back. And I promise, this will be so empowering. You just have to get through. It wont last forever. Night time was the worst for me. During the day, I could keep busy enough to at least cope with the worst of it, but night time, there was nothing... I spiraled out of control. I would get so angry. Send him angry text. I would lose my mind. And I'm sure everyone thought I was too. Finally, my doctor prescribed me anxiety meds to help me at least sleep through the night without these issues. You have to be extremely careful to form a dependency on them, but they helped me through the extremely rough times.

 

As for as question, my guess... all BS. He sounds a lot like my ex husband. Who I would definitely put onto the psychopath range (and he would agree). They are chameleons... and they read people extremely well... so they conform to who their target needs them to be. My ex husband came off extremely serious to me when we first met. And I thought wow, who is this guy? We were in college and he acted like he never had sex and/or wanted to be extremely serious. I was a little put off on it at first because I wasnt ready to be married or anything. And that is how he acted. What I didnt know was he was a totally playboy... and had 3 other women on the side. But he thought I was the typical good girl type, so he played that role. And for the outside world... he played the upstanding family man... who had many children because he loves kids and is so supporting. He still acts this way... except he never calls his kids and only see them on his obligated weekends.

 

When OW and I spoke, the man she knew was a completely different man than I knew. To her, he was the straight party guy. Sadistic (I guess she loved this). This is who he presented to her which is probably and likely his real character.

 

It is extremely hard for authentic people to understand people like this. I have analyzed it until I went insane. Im in therapy and trying to overcome it all. It is a hard process and one thing I had to let go of is trying to have an understanding of people like this.

 

I am really sorry you are going through this but the growth and strength you will find from this will allow you even better success in life. And due to this... you will learn to appreciate true authenticity when it comes.

[BaileyB]

Is he a narcissist? I hate that term, but... probably. How else do you explain the behavior of a man who could treat his wife so cruely and string you along in the way he did... he most definitely saw your vulnerability Kat and exploited it cruelly. (No offence, but anybody with half a brain could recognize your vulnerability if they knew your story. The timing of your “meeting” was... opportunistic for him). I believe there is a certain element of narcissism, which is really just an extreme form of self-centred and selfish behavior, in any man who has an extramarital affair.

 

If that label helps you to see him for the selfish, entitled, and ungrateful man that he is... well then, have at it!

 

As for the other stuff... he’s the only guy I know who would say that their first experience was a threesome and he hated it. Yuck! Seriously, I wouldn’t believe a word that he says... but, that’s just me.

Edited March 3, 2019 by BaileyB

[PhoenixRising8]

 

As for as question, my guess... all BS. He sounds a lot like my ex husband. Who I would definitely put onto the psychopath range (and he would agree). They are chameleons... and they read people extremely well... so they conform to who their target needs them to be. My ex husband came off extremely serious to me when we first met. And I thought wow, who is this guy? We were in college and he acted like he never had sex and/or wanted to be extremely serious. I was a little put off on it at first because I wasnt ready to be married or anything. And that is how he acted. What I didnt know was he was a totally playboy... and had 3 other women on the side. But he thought I was the typical good girl type, so he played that role. And for the outside world... he played the upstanding family man... who had many children because he loves kids and is so supporting. He still acts this way... except he never calls his kids and only see them on his obligated weekends.

 

 

Wow! We talked on text and phone for a bit before we met. He knew I was the good girl. I thought I'd met the male version. Shy, not promiscuous, fairly inexperienced except for his wife essentially. Just like me. As I've been thinking it just struck me as odd that a high school athlete, football no less, never dated. I mean, the high school athletes I knew were popular. And they weren't shy. And they dated. Plenty of options for them. He certainly isn't shy now.

 

He doesn't drink now but used to drink tequila as a young man and tequila "made his clothes fall off". So he goes to parties in uni, disrobes after drinking but never had sex? And essentially one partner before me and he has a lot of moves? Now I think about it, it makes no sense. He made himself into me, except I didn't drink and party. Sounds like he may not be who he presented, who I thought he was.

[Naivewomen]

Unfortunately, he became a chameleon to suit exactly what you were looking for. Be grateful you escaped now!! Take this as a gift that you will be free from this drama, lies and dishonesty. Just think he was on a dating app. He had to sell you a bill of goods that he wasnt happy or why else would he be there!!! So hes still not happy but he just cant leave. He was hunting for divorced/single women that are vulnerable. So sorry this happened to you. Like me, I believed and trusted. You will be guarded now for awhile but when you fall into blissful REAL happiness you will know!!

[sagamore]

Wow! We talked on text and phone for a bit before we met. He knew I was the good girl. I thought I'd met the male version. Shy, not promiscuous, fairly inexperienced except for his wife essentially. Just like me. As I've been thinking it just struck me as odd that a high school athlete, football no less, never dated. I mean, the high school athletes I knew were popular. And they weren't shy. And they dated. Plenty of options for them. He certainly isn't shy now.

 

He doesn't drink now but used to drink tequila as a young man and tequila "made his clothes fall off". So he goes to parties in uni, disrobes after drinking but never had sex? And essentially one partner before me and he has a lot of moves? Now I think about it, it makes no sense. He made himself into me, except I didn't drink and party. Sounds like he may not be who he presented, who I thought he was.

 

LKK, I just got chills reading this. He did in fact make himself into the male version of you. He mirrored you and what you were seeking and presented himself as the answer to all your fantasies. I’m wondering how such a shy, inexperienced guy found his way to a “dating while married” website...

 

Also, remember: if he REALLY wanted what was best for you (or his wife) he wouldn’t continue to love bomb you and ask to be “friends”. He’s continuing to look out for #1, I guess. What a charmer.

[Abetterme]

LKK, I just got chills reading this. He did in fact make himself into the male version of you. He mirrored you and what you were seeking and presented himself as the answer to all your fantasies. I’m wondering how such a shy, inexperienced guy found his way to a “dating while married” website...

 

Also, remember: if he REALLY wanted what was best for you (or his wife) he wouldn’t continue to love bomb you and ask to be “friends”. He’s continuing to look out for #1, I guess. What a charmer.

 

@Kat - Yes, I think sometimes when we read others’ words it is so easy for us to see ourselves in them but also objectively look at your situation.

 

Personally, I call BS on all of it. The way he’s treated you I find it highly unlikely you are his first A. It sucks to think about, but looking at my situation I don’t think I was my xMM either. He would actually say “I’ve neber done this before” as if I was so amazing he just couldn’t help himself lol! I remember thinking at the time...how weird, what does he think, I take pride in this or that it’s a regular occurrence for me? He would also love bomb me to the point of being laughable. I said if in another read that I honestly was bewildered by it at first, but eventually I became addicted to seeing myself that way.

 

He was also “the chameleon” as referenced above. This has helped me immensely in my defogging. He knew I was very intelligent so started reading books I’d reference, started becoming more political even though one of our earliest conversations was about how a political be was. He started running because I was into long distance races. I try to critically look at myself and say “was I doing that too?” And I really don’t think I portrayed myself as anything other than I was....except a woman that was suddenly willing to compromise my integrity to cheat.

 

I know we all want hear otherwise because it makes what we’ve done “less sad” but I think our xMM have a lot in common. At least mine never intended to leave (nor did I) and never lied about that. Yours did which I think to be the cruelest thing that can happen in these situations, of course for you, but their wives. My A went on for nearly 3 years. I’m just glad you are seeing the light so much sooner than I. I wish I’d found this forum years ago.

 

We’re hear for you!

[PhoenixRising8]

LKK, I just got chills reading this. He did in fact make himself into the male version of you. He mirrored you and what you were seeking and presented himself as the answer to all your fantasies. I’m wondering how such a shy, inexperienced guy found his way to a “dating while married” website...

 

Also, remember: if he REALLY wanted what was best for you (or his wife) he wouldn’t continue to love bomb you and ask to be “friends”. He’s continuing to look out for #1, I guess. What a charmer.

 

Well let's not forget, I went there too ... my job is not conducive to dalliances as I must maintain objectivity and it's not like I can ask friends (not that I have many thanks to the ex isolating me) friends for an intro lol.

 

As for the love bombing, now I think about it, from day 1 he was texting constantly. Before we even met, he said he only had eyes for me. He kissed me the first lunch we had. Two weeks after we met, I was going away for a week on business and he bought me chocolate and a Pandora charm so I won't forget him. He then texted constantly and we spoke 4 or 5 times a day. I hadn't had any real meaningful attention for years. In retrospect, it was a lot and over the top.

 

I've now done a lot of reading now on love bombing. Who knew it existed? Not me. Just like hysterical bonding and future faking. I had no idea. Man have I led a sheltered life! I understand that strong over achieving women who are highly empathetic are more likely to be victimized. Maybe they like the challenge. I guess it's comforting to know I'm not weak lol.

Edited March 4, 2019 by LilKatKat

[lovely81]

Happy you got out!

I had an experience like this too.

It was crazy how painful it was to get out of.

Every day got better and better though, and now I'm so grateful for the peace. In some ways, I'm glad I went through it because I think it made me appreciate peace and calmness so much more. I took them for granted before, maybe even thought they were boring.

Good luck!!

[whichwayisup]

It's a massive step that hurts like nothing else ever. I've been so strong all week and tonight I can't stop crying. The pain is excruciating. I wish I could just sleep until I forget.

 

You're grieving and it's supposed to hurt. All this is a process and as cliche as it sounds, like everything else, it'll get easier as time goes on. You'll hurt less, you'll cry less.

 

Keep NC going, whatever you do! No good will happen if NC is broken. Stay strong.

[PhoenixRising8]

You're grieving and it's supposed to hurt. All this is a process and as cliche as it sounds, like everything else, it'll get easier as time goes on. You'll hurt less, you'll cry less.

 

Keep NC going, whatever you do! No good will happen if NC is broken. Stay strong.

 

Believe it or not but I believe the grieving will not be that lengthy. As the song says "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone".

 

I was in bad shape yesterday because of my date on Friday. Here was a man who had the same sort of marriage Tom supposedly does but one with enough integrity to decide he'd rather leave than break his moral compass and cheat. How did I manage to "fall in love" with such a cruel cheating a$$hat? And Dante's kids were 13, not in their mid to late 20's ffs!!!

[PhoenixRising8]

The more I think about things, the more holes I find!

 

He told me on a number of occasions that he and his wife ran with the same circle of friends for about 2 years before they hooked up as he never saw her as a romantic partner. Then one New Year's Eve, he got drunk, she came on to him and the rest, as they say, is history.

 

Now, am I the only one that finds it curious that from ages 17 to 24, with the exception of a ONS, he was able to go to parties, drink, which led to disrobing but no sex and then on this New Year's Eve he just succumbed? How did I not see this before?

 

His first rodeo? I think not.

[Artdeco]

The more I think about things, the more holes I find!

 

He told me on a number of occasions that he and his wife ran with the same circle of friends for about 2 years before they hooked up as he never saw her as a romantic partner. Then one New Year's Eve, he got drunk, she came on to him and the rest, as they say, is history.

 

Now, am I the only one that finds it curious that from ages 17 to 24, with the exception of a ONS, he was able to go to parties, drink, which led to disrobing but no sex and then on this New Year's Eve he just succumbed? How did I not see this before?

 

His first rodeo? I think not.

 

Doesn’t mean anything. Disrobing if you’re male won’t lead to sex necessarily. He was just drunk.

 

He may have spun a story that he thought you might like, though. But not necessarily. Don’t overthink that one. It doesn’t mean or change anything

[PhoenixRising8]

Doesn’t mean anything. Disrobing if you’re male won’t lead to sex necessarily. He was just drunk.

 

He may have spun a story that he thought you might like, though. But not necessarily. Don’t overthink that one. It doesn’t mean or change anything

 

You may be correct.

 

My point is that now I think about it, it is highly unlikely that an MVP athlete, who drinks and goes to parties for 7 years, does not have sexual experiences except for that ONS and the New Year's Eve party with the wife. Strains credulity. He's clearly lied to his wife and to me (he hasn't left yet) why should I believe he is as inexperienced as he led me to believe? For someone who has had limited sexual experience, he sure is creative and accomplished in that department. Guess he's read a lot of manuals lol. Except he isn't much of a reader ...

[Aloha123]

 

Good for you for staying strong. You and Aloha will be my inspiration ��

 

Aw, you guys are my inspiration too.

p.s. yes he is a narcissist!!

Edited March 4, 2019 by Aloha123