Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[PhoenixRising8]

And let me guess - you answered.

 

All cheaters lie... that's how they cheat.

 

And you believing everything he says doesn't make any of it true.

 

He's also mean if he's calling you while his wife is right there!

 

We can't help YOU if you're not willing to help YOURSELF.

 

I am willing to help myself hence a plan A,B and C. As Artdeco said earlier, sometimes you need to cut some slack so I am for the moment. But I won’t for too much longer. We have no plans to see each other and there have been no calls or texts. By now we would have had at least 2 calls numerous texts.

 

As for the calls he doesn’t call in front of his wife. They sleep in separate rooms so he only calls once he’s behind closed doors.

[Amethyst68]

I heard several call with his kids and he told them he hasn’t been happy in the marriage for years and specifically referred to the separate bedrooms. He also said that he feels both he and his wife would ultimately be happier finding someone they are more compatible with. He also said he hopes they understand. But no, he said nothing about me? How would that help to preserve his relationship with them? We both initially set out to find companionship and some human touch. Finding love was not part of the plan.

 

 

So he's basically willing to disrespect his wife by discussing their sex life or lack of one but won't be honest enough to put himself in a bad light. Does he not think they would maybe put 2 and 2 together if he leaves and suddenly moves in with you? Or are you to be kept in the background, the mysterious John? The kids never being allowed to visit him while he' s at yours? Will you stay the dirty little secret even if he leaves.

 

There's a reason the truth is so powerful and freeing.

[S2B]

He has absolutely no reason to change a thing.

 

Not one.

[PhoenixRising8]

So he's basically willing to disrespect his wife by discussing their sex life or lack of one but won't be honest enough to put himself in a bad light. Does he not think they would maybe put 2 and 2 together if he leaves and suddenly moves in with you? Or are you to be kept in the background, the mysterious John? The kids never being allowed to visit him while he' s at yours? Will you stay the dirty little secret even if he leaves.

 

There's a reason the truth is so powerful and freeing.

 

No I won’t stay the dirty little secret IF AND WHEN he leaves. But I have no intention of meeting them day 1. I would like to see how it works with us first. Nothing is guaranteed so I want to make sure he and I can live together before bringing his kids, even though they’re adults, into my home. And maybe I don’t want to taint my relationship with them as the home wrecker. He didn’t wreck mine nor I his. Our marriages were already eroded. That’s how we came to be in the first place. It’s too easy to blame the OW or OM, but for me there wouldn’t have been an OM if my marriage were salvageable.

 

As for discussing his sex life, I suppose as adults they can extrapolate that the parents aren’t having sex. He made a statement of fact, which they already know because they live at home and can see that mom sleeps in one room while dad sleeps in another. Not sure how this is discussing his sex life.

[PhoenixRising8]

He has absolutely no reason to change a thing.

 

Not one.

 

If he wants to see me again he has a reason. As I said, no planned dates ...

[elaine567]

Is he or his wife religious?

Something I only recently became aware of is that some wives/husbands will never divorce no matter how bad it gets, due to religious convictions/beliefs, and pressure from "the church".

Is some of this "guilt" he is expressing actually down to religion maybe?

[PhoenixRising8]

Is he or his wife religious?

Something I only recently became aware of is that some wives/husbands will never divorce no matter how bad it gets, due to religious convictions/beliefs, and pressure from "the church".

Is some of this "guilt" he is expressing actually down to religion maybe?

 

I’m fairly certain neither is a church goer or particularly religious.

[S2B]

If he wants to see me again he has a reason. As I said, no planned dates ...

 

I didn't say "to see you"

 

I said he has no reason to change anything.

 

He will stay at home with his wife...and keep you on the hook as his OW.

 

Yes, you are his secret.

 

Notice he doesn't call you when he's having dinner with his wife?

 

He waits until she's not around to call you.

 

 

Your life is ultimately dependent on what SHE does or doesn't do... because his life is dependent on what she does or doesn't do.

 

 

He's not leaving her. She holds all the power and he's mad - that's why he has the affair.

[PhoenixRising8]

Is he or his wife religious?

Something I only recently became aware of is that some wives/husbands will never divorce no matter how bad it gets, due to religious convictions/beliefs, and pressure from "the church".

Is some of this "guilt" he is expressing actually down to religion maybe?

 

I didn't say "to see you"

 

I said he has no reason to change anything.

 

He will stay at home with his wife...and keep you on the hook as his OW.

 

Yes, you are his secret.

 

Notice he doesn't call you when he's having dinner with his wife?

 

He waits until she's not around to call you.

 

 

Your life is ultimately dependent on what SHE does or doesn't do... because his life is dependent on what she does or doesn't do.

 

 

He's not leaving her. She holds all the power and he's mad - that's why he has the affair.

 

If I don’t see him I’m not much use to him as an OW. I’m making plans to do my own thing precisely because I don’t want to be on his hook and beck and call.

 

As for his being dependent on what she does or doesn’t do, that isn’t entirely the case. He’s made plenty of plans despite what she had in mind. Her birthday being a perfect example.

 

Agreed I am a secret. Why would he then call when she’s around. He was my secret for the first 3 months. I wasn’t brazen enough to call him in front of my ex either. I wouldn’t even now that we are separated.

 

Will he ever leave her? Time will tell but I’ve decided 2 more months is all I’m prepared to hang on for. That doesn’t mean I will see him. It just means I will give him til the end of the year to decide and act.

[S2B]

You have no idea what's going on at his home.

 

You only know what he tells you.

 

Take it for 10% truth.

 

He's made it clear - he lies.

 

You are connected to a known cheater & liar and are laying your future at his feet.

 

Be careful.

[Amethyst68]

Your 2 month deadline takes you to Christians and New Year, do you think you will be emotionally strong enough to stand against any possible emotional manipulations at what can be an extremely difficult time of year?

[S2B]

There's actually no better time than the day we are in= today!

[PhoenixRising8]

Your 2 month deadline takes you to Christians and New Year, do you think you will be emotionally strong enough to stand against any possible emotional manipulations at what can be an extremely difficult time of year?

 

I already have planned a 3 week trip to visit my cousins in Europe starting January 1 so I will have plenty of time and distance away from MM if he hasn’t got his act together. In the meantime I am starting to date. Have a date on Friday and not with MM.

[PhoenixRising8]

There's actually no better time than the day we are in= today!

 

Better for whom?

 

I am ready to not see him but not ready to give up on him. I’m taking steps to get me there like starting to date and planning a trip for January. This is my transition.

 

I have valid reasons why I believe a lot of what he says but to explain every detail would take too much space and too much effort. Yes I know what the statistics are but I also know that not every person, be they OM/OW, MM/MW or BS is the same so I am not inclined to paint everyone with the same brush.

 

You say he is a proven cheat and liar. So am I but that was an aberration based on circumstances. For the moment I believe he is coming from the same place. I didn’t have an easy time walking away from 30 years. It took me months. How can I then say oh well, you’ve had your 6 weeks buddy.

 

As for your power comment in an earlier post, that is precisely the problem with many couples. One has the power and the other doesn’t. To me relationships are about compromise not wielding power over someone. He and I have spouses who want the power and control and I for one am sick of it.

[brigit87]

As for the calls he doesn’t call in front of his wife. They sleep in separate rooms so he only calls once he’s behind closed doors.

 

And that's a good thing?

 

This dude is bad news. I know you feel he's doing all of this cause he's in a really bad marriage and you are his soul mate but I don't think so. I think he's juggling two lifestyles and will continue to do so for as long as both women deal with it.

[S2B]

Have it your way... his wife is controlling both of your futures... and she may do nothing forever.

 

Mainly because he's waiting on her and you're waiting on him to make a move.

[PhoenixRising8]

Have it your way... his wife is controlling both of your futures... and she may do nothing forever.

 

Mainly because he's waiting on her and you're waiting on him to make a move.

 

How am I waiting on him? I’m not going to see him. Ive got a career. I’ve got a date this weekend. I’ve made travel plans. If he leaves her in the next couple of months that’s one thing, inthe meantime I fully intend to live my life. I may take a call here or there but that’s it.

[S2B]

How am I waiting on him? I’m not going to see him. Ive got a career. I’ve got a date this weekend. I’ve made travel plans. If he leaves her in the next couple of months that’s one thing, inthe meantime I fully intend to live my life. I may take a call here or there but that’s it.

 

Awesome! That's great news!

[PhoenixRising8]

Last weekend I decided I wouldn't see MM again but wasn't quite ready to decline his calls. On Thursday my only daughter moved 4 hours and hundreds of miles away. It was an excruciating day. After his case concluded for the day, he called and I was in no shape to decline the call or hide my pain. Between 8 and 11 PM he called 3 times to check on me, each call lasting at least half an hour. Yesterday evening he came to see me and I opened the door. We sat and talked for more than 4 hours. He hasn't been home all week because of prep for this case and his first free evening, he chose to console me.

 

About an hour and a half after he arrived, he received a message from his friend (his friend's wife, who is also close friends with the BS was included on the message) of more than 30 years and it unsettled him. When I asked him about it, he showed me. The message said "we Know you are struggling and have put up with a lot of flack. We are here for you." They also said that BS has been talking to them wanting to find out what they know. The friend asked him for the first time on Wednesday, when he was in town (they moved away about 7 years ago but are still close and he is also MM's boss) if MM wanted to talk about it, which he didn't. He was surprised that his friend sent that message because he believed they had outwardly always put on a good face. That message suggests to me that MM has been honest about how bad his marriage really is, despite everyone's comments in the other thread that he is stringing me along, lying and future faking.

 

Every opportunity he has had to spend with me (4-5 times a week, for hours on end) he has taken. His every action, when given a choice between me and BS, he has chosen me (their anniversary, Mother's Day, her birthday etc.) He has avoided BS in every way possible. His every action scream he wants to leave. The only thing he hasn't done yet is actually leave because whenever he believes he will, the guilt overwhelms him and he is paralyzed into inaction.

 

Our relationship has been devoid of fighting and games. I believe we truly have been transparent with each other. When we have disagreements we work through them calmly and rationally. He continually maintains I am the one he wants in his life "between now and forever". Yet he feels such a sense of guilt, he can't seem to make a move. Like me, he was faithful for 25+ years. He says he's trying to let her down gently, despite my pointing out there's no such thing and he's actually being cruel. I know some of you may scoff, but by nature he is a very kind, gentle and selfless person who now finds himself in a situation where regardless how he decides, there will be unavoidable pain. Question is does he prefer short term pain for long term gain.

 

I'm overwhelmed and trying to figure out do I leave or do I stay and help him work through it?

Edited November 3, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merged threads and deleted link referencing old thread ~ V

[Mardelis]

I read your other thread. No reason you needed to start a new one, it's simply a continuation of your continued engagement with a man who has a wife at home who he is unwilling or unable to leave and all get from him is vague excuses that he feels guilty leaving the mother of his children.

 

 

You got a ton of great advice on that thread telling you that you're wasting your time with this guy. Nothing has changed.

[misspalmy]

Tell his wife, save yourself the pain.

[elaine567]

The message said "we Know you are struggling and have put up with a lot of flack. We are here for you." They also said that BS has been talking to them wanting to find out what they know. The friend asked him for the first time on Wednesday, when he was in town (they moved away about 7 years ago but are still close and he is also MM's boss) if MM wanted to talk about it, which he didn't. He was surprised that his friend sent that message because he believed they had outwardly always put on a good face.

 

He has been treating his wife appallingly and now she has spoken to her good friend about it.

Why he is surprised about that, God knows?

He is just as delusional as you are.

I guess the boss and his wife will not be as sympathetic and supportive, when they realise he is playing away from home with you...

That is why he is swerving them

[Amethyst68]

The problem is you have this 'kind, selfless' man behaving with incredible cruelty to his wife who is the innocent party in this. Oh there may be difficulties in their marriage but she doesn't deserve this disrespect.

 

Ask yourself how you would feel if your husband treated you like this? I doubt you would be so accepting of his behaviour or trying to find justifications.

[Ruby Slippers]

He'll never leave as long as he has continued access to you. Cut him off, 100% cold turkey. Even if he doesn't leave, at least you quit wasting your time in a dead end situation.

[stillafool]

Tell his wife, save yourself the pain.

 

I agree with this. Tell his wife because she does not deserve this treatment. She should be the one to decide if she wants to keep this idiot or kick him to the curb. I would gladly chose the latter and she may too if she finds out the truth. Then, OP you can finally have this cheater or find out the truth so you will know how to proceed. If you keep waiting for him to leave, you may die alone waiting.