Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[S2B]

Despite how much I made excuses for Tom, you were always right. So you were right again. He left a voicemail on my landline at work and I just picked it up from my mobile. Guess what? He loves me still but wants the best for me and even though he is missing me immensely, he doesn't want to hold me back from living a full life and finding love and companionship with someone who has less baggage but he would still like to be friends

 

Well now.... a few things to note:

 

You can’t be friends

 

Yes he seems to be narcissistic

 

He LIES - a lot! So everything he has said may very well be a lie(s)

 

A lot of serial cheaters look for a woman (OW) who has been married long term and not a gal who has been sleeping around (less diseases they could be exposed to).

 

He only wanted you to believe what he told you - that doesn’t make his lies - the truth.

 

File a police report for harassment if he keeps calling your work number - you need to get the upper hand on sending him a strong message that you aren’t taking his crap and manipulation any more! Be proactive!

 

Call his wife and tell her if he calls again! Do NOT hesitate...blow up his world. Besides - she needs to also know who he really is.

 

Stop allowing him in... he will get sneaky. He will fake emergency medical scares and lie some more... all to get your attention again.

 

He’s lazy! He doesn’t want to groom another new OW. He wants one who isn’t a risk - stop being his safe person - threaten to call his wife - then he will stop - because he doesn’t want her to know. He never told her he was unhappy. I guarantee it!

 

If you want to take YOUR power back - start threatening him with exposing!

 

Then you will be in the drivers seat! AND if he calls again, tell his wife!!! File a harassment report on him.

 

 

It’s SO disrespectful that he has called when you told him not to!!! He is completely disrespecting you for his own potential gain (he’s selfish)

 

Notice the pattern that he’s selfish?

Edited March 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[sandylee1]

You said your Ex knew you had abandonment issues ... its not uncommon for older men/large age gaps to seek out younger vulnerable women, who may have had a difficult childhood, so they can seem like a rescuer. Your KISA (knight in shining armour)

 

With such large age gaps and you getting with him at a youngish age, it's not an equal relationship because he would have had a lot more life experience than you and most likely more relationship experience. You can be manipulated without even realising it.

 

At 20, I had a BF 7 years older. Not a massive gap, but he had way more experience than me and years later I see where I was manipulated and didn't realise. He sometimes behaved in a coercive manner in our sexual relationship, which he got away with because of that gap in experience.

 

MM saw your vulnerability and ran with it. He was on the lookout for anyone to have an affair with, so I don't think you were specifically targetted, but your situation suited him.

 

Regarding what he says about his sexual experience, he might be telling the truth, who knows. Some guys are slow starters. There wasn't a great need to lie to you about not having a GF before his wife. Men don't usually down play the number unless it's really high. Women tend to downplay their number.

 

He may well have just had the ONS, his wife and you... but people learn over time. His wife could be more sexually experienced than him and taught him a few things. They could have learned together as a couple over the years. He would never admit that to you though.

 

I know it would make you feel better to believe he's a narcissist, but it may be as simple as he was only looking for an affair. He caught feelings for you and got lost in the high of a new relationship and thought about ending his marriage for a fleeting moment because being with you felt so good.

 

Then at some point, he realised it wasn't that easy to leave. He may have done some serious thinking about what he had to lose, about whether his marriage was really as bad as he thought and if so, what part he had to play in that.

 

He just didn't know how to tell you he couldn't pull the plug, so kept stringing you along, which was very wrong of him.

 

He knew he wasn't treating his wife so well, yet she laid her feelings for him out in writing as she did.

[elaine567]

Yes he may be a narcissist or he may be just a good old fashioned chancer.

He chanced his luck, ended up with a wife and an OW, both in love with him so what's not to like?

He then spun it out for as long as he could, without causing any lasting damage to himself.

Is it narcissistic to want to do that, or plan to do that, perhaps it is?

Is he an evil, arch manipulator? Maybe, maybe not. I doubt it.

 

Sometimes people who are slow starters or unlucky in love carry that with them and given opportunities to cheat feel they deserve to do so as payback for their earlier experiences, when it seemed no-one wanted them.

[Aloha123]

Here is how I look at it. (As an aside, your recent posts really highlighted to me the whole topic of narcissism, manipulation through love bombing etc)

 

Bottom line, whether your MM and/or my MM are 'actually narcissists" is kind besides the point. Since they engage in the actions of a narcissist, that is all we need to know. And for me, viewing all of his actions and words from this perspective has actually been helpful. In fact, it's kind of like a light bulb finally went off.

Edited March 4, 2019 by Aloha123

[PhoenixRising8]

I may have forgot to mention in a previous post that he feels badly we didn’t speak personally when we ended it. He wants to meet tonight. I didn’t give it much thought but I started to last night. There are so many things I want to say to him about what I think of him.

[PhoenixRising8]

Yes he may be a narcissist or he may be just a good old fashioned chancer.

He chanced his luck, ended up with a wife and an OW, both in love with him so what's not to like?

He then spun it out for as long as he could, without causing any lasting damage to himself.

Is it narcissistic to want to do that, or plan to do that, perhaps it is?

Is he an evil, arch manipulator? Maybe, maybe not. I doubt it.

 

Sometimes people who are slow starters or unlucky in love carry that with them and given opportunities to cheat feel they deserve to do so as payback for their earlier experiences, when it seemed no-one wanted them.

 

I find it hard to believe no one wanted him. He was an attractive athlete in high school. How many of those did you know that didn’t date at all? How many did you know that went to parties and didn’t at least “make out”? I knew none. I think his whole backstory is full of holes, upon sober reflection.

[PhoenixRising8]

You said your Ex knew you had abandonment issues ... its not uncommon for older men/large age gaps to seek out younger vulnerable women, who may have had a difficult childhood, so they can seem like a rescuer. Your KISA (knight in shining armour)

 

With such large age gaps and you getting with him at a youngish age, it's not an equal relationship because he would have had a lot more life experience than you and most likely more relationship experience. You can be manipulated without even realising it.

 

If your version of how it all evolved is true, I could actually accept that. Problem is that he’s told so many lies to his family and quite likely to me that I don’t know what is fact and what is fiction any longer. I do know this: he was also my KISA, until October. And then it started to go sideways and I stopped knowing what to believe. Maybe it’s easier to believe he’s evil than to believe your version, which incidentally is the one he tells me. If he’s evil I’m done. If it’s your version, the one I believed, then I fear I might hold out hope.

 

With respect to my ex, you are correct. He was manipulative in a way I didn’t even realize I was being manipulated. He knew my story and he used it to get his way, both subtly and overtly.

 

I sure know how to pick them!

Edited March 6, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited quote

[Cornputer]

I find it hard to believe no one wanted him. He was an attractive athlete in high school. How many of those did you know that didn’t date at all? How many did you know that went to parties and didn’t at least “make out”? I knew none. I think his whole backstory is full of holes, upon sober reflection.

 

Well, my ex was like that. A quarterback in a national team, a gorgeous man who was awkward around people in general (tough childhood and what not). As he hit his early twenties, he started lying, cheating and acting like an utter coward. His personality(!) has been, is and always will be rotten. Some people are like that. Assuming the worst though, I don’t know about that one.

[elaine567]

I find it hard to believe no one wanted him. He was an attractive athlete in high school. How many of those did you know that didn’t date at all? How many did you know that went to parties and didn’t at least “make out”? I knew none. I think his whole backstory is full of holes, upon sober reflection.

 

He may have been awkward, shy, scared of girls, spent too much time drunk or with his guy friends or he was just an arrogant ass...

OR he was lying.

[Starswillshine]

I may have forgot to mention in a previous post that he feels badly we didn’t speak personally when we ended it. He wants to meet tonight. I didn’t give it much thought but I started to last night. There are so many things I want to say to him about what I think of him.

 

That is a HORRIBLE idea. It will set you back. You'll have even more trouble letting him go. Seeing him. Will be hard to keep your strength.

[elaine567]

He wants to meet tonight. I didn’t give it much thought but I started to last night. There are so many things I want to say to him about what I think of him.

 

He knows that over text, email and phone he has no chance to win you back, as logic will rule, but up close and personal he is in with a big chance, you will not be able to resist him...

[PhoenixRising8]

He said he knows it’s over and he isn’t trying to change anything just feels I have a right to some answers. A ploy? Perhaps

 

He did also offer just a call if that was all I wanted. So 10 days nothing but the original texts and then this weekend, my choice. Just seems odd that it took a week for him to think we should talk, especially after all the nasty I threw his way.

Edited March 5, 2019 by LilKatKat

[Abetterme]

He said he knows it’s over and he isn’t trying to change anything just feels I have a right to some answers. A ploy? Perhaps

 

He did also offer just a call if that was all I wanted. So 10 days nothing but the original texts and then this weekend, my choice. Just seems odd that it took a week for him to think we should talk, especially after all the nasty I threw his way.

 

In all likelihood, he knows you’ve likely cooled down and have been missing him and he is looking for an opportunity to turn things around now. I know it’s tempting to go and tell him to kiss off, but that likely won’t happen and you’ll just be setting yourself back.

 

Just like you made commitments to him in the past, think of keeping your distance as a commitment to yourself. Your first responsibility is to yourself now. Not him any longer.

 

Thinking of you.

[assertives]

Don't meet or call him. Not especially now when you still have feelings for him. It would be way harder to heal and will just set you back. If it's necessary to talk, as a sort things out/closure/learning pointers/postmortem kinda thing, perhaps do it when you are truly over him.

[Starswillshine]

Kat, what is the point? You won't be able to believe anything he says anyway. It will just set you back. And potentially put you right back to where you were... accepting the OW role.

[PhoenixRising8]

Kat, what is the point? You won't be able to believe anything he says anyway. It will just set you back. And potentially put you right back to where you were... accepting the OW role.

 

He says he doesn’t want to reconcile and I know I don’t want to be the OW. Is it possible he does want to reconcile? Or at least keep the door open?

[BTDT2012]

I may have forgot to mention in a previous post that he feels badly we didn’t speak personally when we ended it. He wants to meet tonight. I didn’t give it much thought but I started to last night. There are so many things I want to say to him about what I think of him.

Don't do it. You aren't strong enough. You already know all that you need to know.

[Starswillshine]

He says he doesn’t want to reconcile and I know I don’t want to be the OW. Is it possible he does want to reconcile? Or at least keep the door open?

 

The first two words of your reply is the problem. It is also the problem which is why you shouldnt see him.

 

I'm sure he wants to keep the door open and reconcile... as you being the side piece and him having his wife and family.

[S2B]

He said he knows it’s over and he isn’t trying to change anything just feels I have a right to some answers. A ploy? Perhaps

 

He did also offer just a call if that was all I wanted. So 10 days nothing but the original texts and then this weekend, my choice. Just seems odd that it took a week for him to think we should talk, especially after all the nasty I threw his way.

 

Remember - I told you he would do this... it’s predictable.

 

He’s lazy! He just wants to convince you to stay in your OW position longer and wait.

 

He knows he’s not leaving his marriage! There isn’t one thing he needs right now - from you!

 

Call his wife and tell her! And tell him if he calls again you will keep telling her more and more!

 

He’s just manipulating you!!!

 

Why didn’t you block him?

 

You don’t need to talk to him - at all! His actions have told you everything you need to know. He’s selfish and greedy.

[S2B]

He’s thinking you’ll be foolish enough to believe more of his lies.

[Snipercatt]

This guy is so obssessed with not appearing to be the “bad guy” and so conflict avoidant that he has disrespected you and blown all your boundaries in an effort to get you to agree to see him for his own selfish puposes. If you agree to be his friend, and agree to be friendly, then how bad could his behavior have been? He.does.not.respect.ANYONE! What a whiney twatwaffle!

[S2B]

Did you agree to see him?

[PhoenixRising8]

I didn't meet with him tonight, in large part because he emailed around 2:30 to say something came up at work so he deferred to Thursday. I hadn't agreed to meet him at that point. Funny thing though, it was a relief and the anxiety just disappeared when the prospect of meeting up with him was gone.

[PhoenixRising8]

This guy is so obssessed with not appearing to be the “bad guy” and so conflict avoidant that he has disrespected you and blown all your boundaries in an effort to get you to agree to see him for his own selfish puposes. If you agree to be his friend, and agree to be friendly, then how bad could his behavior have been? He.does.not.respect.ANYONE! What a whiney twatwaffle!

 

Interesting take on what he's doing with this let's talk to gain closure after a week of dispassionate interaction. It actually makes sense. My barrage on Sunday certainly made him out to be the bad guy.

[georgia girl]

I agree with the poster who said he just doesn’t want to be the bad guy. I think he’s actually okay that it’s over as he had decided he couldn’t leave anyway. What he can’t live with is you hating him. So, he wants to see you, let you yell and scream at him and he will wait for you to scream yourself out. Then, he will be calm and reasonable and sorry and loving and tell you how much this is what he never intended.

 

You will go home, still broken up but feeling slightly better for a day. And then, it will all come crashing down on you. You will feel bad for yelling and screaming, you will feel like he was the one who kept his cool and you may even doubt your decision to end it. It will be worse for you if you see him.

 

Kat, haven’t you learned it’s all about him and he couldn’t be empathetic if he tried? He is only worried about controlling the narrative with you so he is t the bad guy but instead the trapped guy you should feel sorry for. Plus, he wants to make sure you are not going to expose him to his family. It’s all about making him feel better - not you!

 

Want to totally drive him crazy and make him suffer just a little bit? Text him back, “No thanks. We are done. I am calm now but meant every word I said.” then totally block him. He will worry you will blow up his world. He will be upset that he didn’t get a chance to be the “good guy.” He will constantly wonder what you think of him. It will drive him nuts. And that, my dear, is revenge.