Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[BaileyB]

You knew he was married. Resolve to never again be a damsel in distress. And always remember that happiness for you doesn't come at the expense of someone else. .

 

I totally agree with this.

 

You knew he was married when you got involved. You are equally responsible in what happened here.

Edited March 14, 2019 by BaileyB

[PhoenixRising8]

Thanks for that - helpful advice had I had that a year ago but I think I have figured that out already.

[Artdeco]

Just think of it that way: you were able to free yourself from your subpar marriage, he is still in his. Do you not think that you have a far better life than him?

[Aloha123]

I mostly don't think about him during the day. Not constantly looking at my phone. .

 

Hey that's a lot more than I can say! Getting the obsessive thinking and preoccupation out of the forefront of your mind is half the battle. Because that is what leads to the poor decisions and impulsive behavior.

Edited March 14, 2019 by Aloha123

[PhoenixRising8]

The knight in shining armor scenario works for him as long as you think of him as the rescuer/king.

 

So when you started expecting more he knew it wasn’t working so great anymore. The gig was about to be up.

 

He will find a new gal to be a KISS to - he likes to rescueto feel important and needed.

 

He will find his next victim... probably already has. Guys like this won’t go long without the ego feed/strokes they need by rescuing.

 

 

You weren’t originally getting separated remember. He thought you were a safe bet - until you wanted more. He expected you to want nothing more than the affair with a married man.

 

I DIDN'T expect more until he offered more. If he couldn't give more, he didn't need to go down that path. Once he offered, and I thought about it, I liked the idea no question. We had a strong emotional and physical connection. We were close friends. We enjoyed each other's company. We had a lot in common. He convinced me his marriage was not good. Not as bad as mine, but not good enough to want the rest of his life, especially when something so much better was in front of him. Elaborate deception? Apparently so but 6 months ago I didn't know that. I actually wish it had stayed the way it was. At least it was more authentic than what we had in the end.

[PhoenixRising8]

You fix your picker. Broken attracts broken. Address all the issues surrounding your failed marriage before getting into another relationship. Learn to be enough for yourself.

 

I'm fully aware what went wrong in my marriage. I married a man-child who used my biggest vulnerability against me to get his way or win a fight. It was always about winning with him.

 

As for learning to be enough for myself, yeah easy to say. Seems I've never been enough for anyone. Certainly not enough to be treated with love and respect and consideration. And sure, me, myself and I can go to movies, out for dinner, to the theatre and travel. Companionship would be nice.

[PhoenixRising8]

Just think of it that way: you were able to free yourself from your subpar marriage, he is still in his. Do you not think that you have a far better life than him?

 

Yes I finally extricated myself from a bad marriage. Do I have a better life? Not sure. He continues unscathed, without consequences. Doubt he's given me a second thought while I've gone through hell. If that's being better off then sure, I guess I am.

[PhoenixRising8]

Hey that's a lot more than I can say! Getting the obsessive thinking and preoccupation out of the forefront of your mind is half the battle. Because that is what leads to the poor decisions and impulsive behavior.

 

Oh I have my moments, believe you me. Out of the blue I will be overwhelmed by feelings of despair and loss even though I know what I lost wasn't real. I feel like I've lost everything and at the same time nothing, if that makes sense. He's lost nothing. He gets to just continue on with his life as though the last year never happened. How is that fair?

[Timshel]

Just think of it that way: you were able to free yourself from your subpar marriage, he is still in his. Do you not think that you have a far better life than him?

 

 

I have never thought that lifting up will entail putting someone else down.

 

 

 

Op doesn't need to ponder whether or not her life or his life is better or worse.

 

 

She is no longer (hopefully) ensnared in the psychological quagmire of dishonesty...and futility/loss. This is your focus now LilKatKat, not who is a bigger a** or loser; instead, where to go from here...up.

 

 

 

I would suggest volunteer work, get out there for a cause you believe in and pour your love into it.

 

Another poster suggested being in nature, thumbs up for this suggestion. Look at the world around you. Walk, use your body to take in presence and give back.

 

 

You'll do your own thing but one thing that will keep you trapped in a loop of hell is to continue to focus on dark.

[BTDT2012]

I'm fully aware what went wrong in my marriage. I married a man-child who used my biggest vulnerability against me to get his way or win a fight. It was always about winning with him.

 

As for learning to be enough for myself, yeah easy to say. Seems I've never been enough for anyone. Certainly not enough to be treated with love and respect and consideration. And sure, me, myself and I can go to movies, out for dinner, to the theatre and travel. Companionship would be nice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Don't underestimate the joy of doing things with female friends.

[anika99]

Oh I have my moments, believe you me. Out of the blue I will be overwhelmed by feelings of despair and loss even though I know what I lost wasn't real. I feel like I've lost everything and at the same time nothing, if that makes sense. He's lost nothing. He gets to just continue on with his life as though the last year never happened. How is that fair?

 

Well affairs aren't about fairness. They aren't built on honesty or integrity. They hurt everyone. Is it fair that the BS was deceived and lied to? Is it fair when family's break up and family members have to work through that pain? There's nothing fair in cheating.

[Starswillshine]

Well affairs aren't about fairness. They aren't built on honesty or integrity. They hurt everyone. Is it fair that the BS was deceived and lied to? Is it fair when family's break up and family members have to work through that pain? There's nothing fair in cheating.

 

Yeah, certainly not fair for me either. And I get where Kat is coming from because it is something that I get angered about time to time. My xWH walks away with all his money and we get only a small percentage. While he is off traveling the world with whatever chick he can find, I'm at home taking care of all the kids. While trying to better myself so that I can be financially independent from the jerk... to give him even more money. I'm the one who haa to stress with what to do when a child is sick and cant go to school yet I have a huge project due that day and cant stay home. I'm the one who has to stress about money, while he takes whatever girlfriend to whatever new destination and buys himself new cars and parties every night.

 

However.... I now have a more authentic life. And I dont have to worry about him and all his stupid fooling around or wasteful spending. I try to remain focused on that... vs the idea that currently he is in a glitzy town with God knows who. And Saturday he flies out to the beach with who knows.

[sandylee1]

LKK,

 

If you continue with the hatred for him, it'll make it more difficult for you to recover from this.

 

Sometimes life just doesn't work out how we want. It's much easier to lay the blame all at someone else's feet and feel taken advantage of, or feel like a victim.

 

It's easier to do that, because it shields us from facing the reality, that we contributed to it and are 100% responsible for that.

 

Sometimes we're more annoyed with ourselves for getting into the situation in the first place.

 

You've said you can't believe what you were thinking when you 'lived' in his house in her absence... perhaps he may say the same in relation to his poor behaviour too.

 

Everyone of us have something in our upbringing that shape us to be who we are. You had abandonment issues that have had a lasting effect on you.

 

He may have issues that lead him to behave the way he does. A lot of times, people are not even aware of how their upbringing and relationship history impacts on their behaviour.

 

People may not agree, but holding on to the thoughts of him being an evil monster will only make you bitter and hinder your ability to move on.

[WasOtherWoman]

Hey LKK... just checking in with you to see how you are doing. I know there are a ton of "shoulda/coulda/woulda's" here all around, but that does not really lessen your pain. Are you doing ok?

 

Hugs, WOW

[PhoenixRising8]

Hey LKK... just checking in with you to see how you are doing. I know there are a ton of "shoulda/coulda/woulda's" here all around, but that does not really lessen your pain. Are you doing ok?

 

Hugs, WOW

 

How am I doing? Confused like I can’t even tell you.

 

I am no longer angry. I let go of the anger sometime last week after my initial barrage of angry emails on Thursday/Friday of the week before. It was becoming toxic to me and preventing me from moving on. I told him exactly that, I’m moving on from him and the anger. So .....

 

On Friday he emails me to say that he’s been having a hard time moving on from us and hasn’t stopped thinking about me. He’s been listening to a song by Sérgio Mendes “Never gonna let you go”. Listen to the words. OMG! He asked if he could call and I said yes. I know ...

 

The first part of the conversation I could barely understand him for the choking up and tears. Short version, he can believe he let me go, all of his reasons for not leaving were just as I said - excuses. Fear held him back. When I walked out on him without looking back the week before he’s had a tougher time each day because it became clearer that the fear of never seeing me is greater than the fear of leaving. He has a few Reno projects to finish before he leaves but he is talking to someone about renting a place. He says he needs to do those renos before he leave because they are needed before the house is sold and he doesn’t think she’ll let him do them after.

 

I have no idea what to think.

[PhoenixRising8]

Right about now is when he will contact again... to see if you forgot about how selfish he’s been...

 

Be ready.

 

Well you should have told me that last week lol. I figured after everything I threw at him he was done. And he knows full well I haven’t forgotten about the selfish behaviour. I mentioned that quite a few times in my angry texts.

 

Last Friday was the first time we messaged a year ago. That was his reminder to me. Who even remembers that kind of stuff? I remember our first date but not message lol.

[PhoenixRising8]

He is adamant he is leaving which means a separation. Can’t file for divorce until after a year of separation. This is not the US. I have told him we are not reconciled and won’t be at least until he moves out.

[elaine567]

Same old..

 

"I am leaving, honest I am,

BUT I have a few Reno projects that HAVE to be done first..."

 

and now he has you on the hook again.

He is really leaving this time...

Yeah right.

[PhoenixRising8]

You assume he has me on the hook. I told him I am not resuming the affair. I told him that explicitly. I told him I am no longer the OW. An I will not be. He said he doesn’t expect me to be but wants to know if I would give him a chance to earn my trust when he leaves.

[elaine567]

You assume he has me on the hook.

 

 

I know he has...

[BTDT2012]

He is adamant he is leaving which means a separation. Can’t file for divorce until after a year of separation. This is not the US. I have told him we are not reconciled and won’t be at least until he moves out.

Right, because he can't pay for renovations unless he is living there. All he has given you is more SSDD (same stuff, different day). You keep talking to him. He knows if he can keep you connected to him emotionally eventually you will give in.

 

 

It's still all about him. He knows you won't cut him off.

[PhoenixRising8]

Well Elaine, good to know you know my mind better than I do.

[mark clemson]

I would be real careful. You can burn a LOT of time waiting for what might happen, or might not. Weeks might turn into months, even if/when he does separate or move out.

 

This is time that could be spent getting fully over him and moving on to something a lot healthier.

 

Also, if he leaves his wife/family, that's something he should be doing on the merits of that marriage on its own terms. Having you allows him to monkey branch which may distort the picture for him somewhat.

 

And of course, if/when he does actually separate and/or divorce, does he really end up with YOU.

 

It's your life, but seems like a lot of ifs to stake months and months of waiting on?

[PhoenixRising8]

Right, because he can't pay for renovations unless he is living there. All he has given you is more SSDD (same stuff, different day). You keep talking to him. He knows if he can keep you connected to him emotionally eventually you will give in.

 

 

It's still all about him. He knows you won't cut him off.

 

I think we all know that two households are more expensive than one and separation/divorce is not cheap. He already has the materials and works for a GC so was always intending to do it himself with one of his staff.

 

And I had cut him off. We have not resumed the affair and I won’t. End of ...

[PhoenixRising8]

I am not banking on anything. I told him ages ago that he should not conflate his marriage and the affair. He should leave his marriage IF it is dead, lifeless and loveless as he states. He should not be leaving for me, or anyone else.

 

I am not waiting around for him. He knows that. I told him I’ve had a couple of dates. I’ve also signed up for a hiking and cycling club. I am starting going to church with a work colleague. I’m in therapy. I’ve rejoined my gym and have personal training sessions set up. I am moving my life forward the best I can. Without him.