BTDT2012 Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 I have not reconciled with him nor do I intend to unless and until I am satisfied he is leaving AND that his behaviour of the last few months is an aberration based on lack of preparedness and guilt and confusion. I do not want to face similar treatment as BS some time down the line. Shouldn't that be until he has left and established his own residence? You are too old to be dealing with this nonsense. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Please stop prolonging your own agony. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 7, 2019 Author Share Posted March 7, 2019 Shouldn't that be until he has left and established his own residence? You are too old to be dealing with this nonsense. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Please stop prolonging your own agony. Yes, you are correct - that he HAS left. Otherwise there is nothing to stop him from pushing it out for one reason or another. I challenged him that he's done nothing because he didn't have to. Because I actually made his marriage tolerable (assuming it was as lifeless and loveless as he portrayed) by filling all the voids. Upon reflection, he agreed and said he hadn't really considered it before. At least he was honest in that response. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Yes, you are correct - that he HAS left. Otherwise there is nothing to stop him from pushing it out for one reason or another. I challenged him that he's done nothing because he didn't have to. Because I actually made his marriage tolerable (assuming it was as lifeless and loveless as he portrayed) by filling all the voids. Upon reflection, he agreed and said he hadn't really considered it before. At least he was honest in that response. Oh this guy! He and my xH should be best friends. Even the admitting to things... and sounding like they are "getting" it and maybe a little self reflection. I was cleaning out old messages today and came across sorta the same kind of things. "You are right." "Wow, I didnt make that connection before, I cant believe i didnt see it that way." "I'm such a a*******le." On and on and on. Hell, he did something similar just last week. And we are divorced and both moved on. They sure do know how to fake it. I get you, I understand why it is so hard to walk away. I get it. I truly do. It is so believable. And he will give you reasons that you can totally justify in your head. Ugh, I hate this man. Btw, my xWH's OW is still reeling 3 years later. And still tries to contact me trying to make sense of him. It will NEVER make sense. You'll only spend your sanity trying to figure it out. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Isn't this just a waste of time? I think you've lost respect for MM (rightfully) and clearly there's a lot of resentment/anger. So, how will you ever be able to LOVE him again? Even if he leaves his wife and comes to live with you it's a waste of time because you won't be able to love him. Are you hoping perhaps to rekindle what you had if he leaves her? I suspect the feelings won't return, even IF the conditions become right by him leaving her (and there's not a huge chance of that IMO). If you get what you think you want, you'll be stuck with him and with him will come guilt, resentment, mistrust, and a keen awareness of the aspects of his personality that have made the last several months so negative for you. Is that a relationship you really want to even be in? Look at it this way. He was a lifeboat during your extremely difficult divorce. Fair enough. But you don't LIVE in a lifeboat once you've made it to shore. Don't cling to the past. (Not THIS past, anyway.) Really think you should tell him to **** off and go full NC. Get a phone with a display for your landline. Then you can move on to better things. Better things than this guy and all the negative baggage that comes with him. I really think you aren't going to be able to love him again. So what's the point? Move on. My two cents. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 It appears he doesn’t consider how anything affects you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 7, 2019 Author Share Posted March 7, 2019 (edited) Isn't this just a waste of time? I think you've lost respect for MM (rightfully) and clearly there's a lot of resentment/anger. So, how will you ever be able to LOVE him again? Food for thought. I'm curious, why do you think I don't love him any longer? I will admit I haven't the respect for him I once did. The love? Not sure. Maybe that's subconsciously why I wonder if I should see him. Edited March 7, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Food for thought. I'm curious, why do you think I don't love him any longer? I will admit I haven't the respect for him I once did. The love? Not sure. Oh Kat, what does this guy have to do to for you to finally decide he is not the love of your life and walk away... Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 7, 2019 Author Share Posted March 7, 2019 Oh Kat, what does this guy have to do to for you to finally decide he is not the love of your life and walk away... The truth is I've been so angry that I haven't thought about how I feel about him at this point in time. Mark made some comments that made me stop and think. I was merely wondering what led him to those conclusions. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 The truth is I've been so angry that I haven't thought about how I feel about him at this point in time. Mark made some comments that made me stop and think. I was merely wondering what led him to those conclusions. Mark makes some very good points. At some point, it’s just too much water under the bridge. At some point, you have crossed a line and you can not go back. I thought you had crossed that line... I’m just really surprised to hear you say that you are not there yet. I like the analogy of the lifeboat. You don’t have to live in the lifeboat once you hit the shore. You should find yourself your own home, and go about creating a new life for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 (edited) Maybe I need to show him I can stick to those boundaries to regain respect, if only for myself. LKK, you hit the nail on the head with this statement. He may or may not respect you or the boundaries you set, but if *you* respect the boundaries you set, you will begin to regain your integrity and increase the dignity you feel you lost. Through your actions, he will learn soon enough (well, maybe not) that you're quite serious. I lost so much dignity by the end of my affair that retaking my boundaries was the only ounce I had left. My confidence and dignity and integrity grew from there. I also agree that we all have to do things in our own time, when we're ready, and that clarity to act usually won't come - not even a minute before then. So, Mark's words resonated with me, too. I made this realization for myself: there was too much water under the bridge, too much resentment to have a real relationship under the "right" and necessary circumstances. You may determine that this is the case for you, too, LKK. Edited March 7, 2019 by Vivir Link to post Share on other sites
PinkPampies Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 You don't just leave when you only have joint accounts, credit cards and no place to stay. Taking action to have individual accounts and a place to stay are part of the planning process. The other part is considering actions and reactions so he doesn't get sucked into staying again if leaving is truly his intent. It’s really sad to see you still making excuses for him. I think you put on a strong show here, but you’re still open to being with him if he says the right words. It is pretty easy to leave. I’ve done it. So have millions of others. He just has to put on his big boy panties and do it. You do realize that he’s going to tell you he has a plan and he loves you and wants to be with you blah blah blah. Then you, by choice are going to believe him and start the hamster wheel again. You were moving forward. Keep moving! Healing will begin only when you let go. I strongly urge you NOT to see him or speak to him any longer because there is nothing else to say. Your answer to ANY communication from him should be, “email me the separation papers and your new address before I will speak to you. “ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Mark made some great points. What you have is Pride and Prejudice in reverse. The "bad" guy in Pride & Prejudice was proven to be the good guy all along and the heroine rode off into the sunset with a gentlemen and a scholar. The "good" guy in your situation, is proving to really be the bad guy and if you are non too careful you will ride off into the sunset with a cad... Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 I'm curious, why do you think I don't love him any longer? I will admit I haven't the respect for him I once did. The love? Not sure. Maybe that's subconsciously why I wonder if I should see him. <later> The truth is I've been so angry that I haven't thought about how I feel about him at this point in time. Well, your words are what made me think that - all your posts bashing him and stating all the negatives. And stating that once you're done, you're done, etc. So really, you told me. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Kat, I had similar thoughts to Mark’s. Sometimes, we spend so much time in the drama and wanting to “get” that person into our life that we become singularly focused and never really stop to think if that person is truly what we want. This is especially true after you’ve spent so much time chasing him. When this all started, he was your idealized partner. But that guy disappeared over four months ago and you got to see who he really is - warts and all. You know he is indecisive, unreliable and conflict avoidant. Yes, your mind still gets a rush when he says he loves you and wants only you, but is that more the rush of attai I g your original goal and less to do with who he actually is or what a relationship with him long term would be like? He isn’t going back to the guy you first got involved with. This is who you get. Is this really what you want? Kat, I think you have closed your mind to no other possibilities of a future BUT him. It’s time to rethink. I also don’t think you are in love with him anymore. He has let you down too many times and made you so tired. Real love genuinely doesn’t work that way. It’s okay to still want him but don’t lie to yourself, you really don’t love him. You just don’t want to be lonely. You can do way better out there on the open market. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 @markclemson - your posts are so spot on!!! kat I think when you get some space and clarity you will see exactly what Mark is getting at. I had an epiphany of this sort a while back and it’s really helped my peace. Even if circumstances were drastically different and my xMM and I were both single, too much hurt has occurred for me to ever trust him or be vulnerable. You don’t want him, you’re just still too deep in the fog and hurt to know it. You will get there if you give yourself the gift of NC. I hope you don’t see him tonight. I really do understand how hard it would be. I know even after 3 months my addicted brain would try and steer me that direction, but it’s like a sickness and you have to fight it with rationality. I feel like it’s an exorcism and I need to say “the power for Christ compels you” at this point lol!!! Hopefully you get the reference, but it is legit not far off ha! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 @Abetterme and others - thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 You don't just leave when you only have joint accounts, credit cards and no place to stay. Taking action to have individual accounts and a place to stay are part of the planning process. The other part is considering actions and reactions so he doesn't get sucked into staying again if leaving is truly his intent. Actually it really is as simple as just leaving. I have left more than one longterm relationship. I may have waffled back and forth in my head for a few weeks but once I made my mind up and told my partner it happened very fast. The last time I had to leave a relationship I had nowhere to go and not enough money to get my own place. As a matter of fact I gave my partner all the money I had to help him get through the next month since I was not giving him a lot of notice. Then I went to stay with my brother. It took me 6 days to leave after I said I was leaving and that was a long 6 days because once we knew I was going being in the same space together was misery. After I left we continued to disentangle our lives. I had to get my own car insurance and cell phone plan, we had to separate accounts. Somethings remained combined for a little while because due to service agreements and contracts but none of those details required that we stay under the same roof. Taking action to find a place and get seperate accounts doesn't require planning, it requires doing. It doesn't take months. Hell it doesn't even take a week! When you want your own account you make a simple phone call and open a damn account. Shouldn't take more than 30 minutes. I mean think about it. Let's say you're a renter and you tell your landlord you're going to leave. Once you make that decision you have 30 days to get your ass out. You can't be sitting there months later going 'waaahhh, but I don't know how to pack, waaahhh, I don't know how to find my own place, I haven't figured out my plan, I need more months to figure this out'. When renters give notice, they have 30 days to figure their sh*t out and somehow they do and life goes on. Seems to me that it's only married cheaters who find these simple tasks that millions of people accomplish everyday so monumental that it requires months and months of thinking and talking. He told you 7 months ago that he wanted to leave but has taken zero action towards actually making that happen. Talking to you or his wife about how unhappy he is, is not taking action. Now you want to meet with him to hear his plan? He doesn't need to freaking plan, he needs to DO! The time for planning is long overdue and it's time for action! Why can't you just tell him that you've heard enough of his lofty plans and you don't want to see him or talk to him until he's fully out of the marital home? I mean seriously, who can go through life never doing anything but thinking and planning. I think I'll go to work today and just think about how to work. When my manager asks me why I'm not getting anything done I'll tell her "I'm trying to plan how to work because working isn't as simple as just coming to work and you know, working. I need months to plan the the right way to work first". She will probably tell me I can do all the planning I want, down at the unemployment office, lol. The world waits for no one. Nowhere else in life would this kind of nonsense be tolerated. How is hearing anymore of his talking and planning acceptable to you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 I am sending you extra strength today! Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 He is still with his wife because that is where he wants to be! He hasn’t taken action to change his home life. It is where he CHOOSES to be every day. All he really wants is for you to go back to being his OW! And every time he gets the chance to talk to you he is going to plead his case with more lies. He needs you to listen... and that is what happens every time he get you on that phone. He’s had no consequences! Consequences are the ONLY thing that will stop him from begging you to come back. You may think you shouldn’t expose him - but really, he should be exposed... to save those closest to him from more of his lies. They (also) don’t really know who he is. They have a right to know - because he’s also wasting their time with pretending to them... that he’s a good husband/father. It’s all a game for him. It’s time his games stop - so he doesn’t have the chance to continue harming many more people. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 7, 2019 Author Share Posted March 7, 2019 My anxiety level is quite high again today, just like it was on Tuesday. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 Your anxiety level is high because deep down you still want him to choose you. I really hope you decline the opportunity to meet with him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 My anxiety level is quite high again today, just like it was on Tuesday. That is your body’s way of saying... abort, abort, abort. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 7, 2019 Author Share Posted March 7, 2019 @BTDT2012 I'm fairly certain my anxiety is not related to wanting to be the chosen one. He's already confirmed that in the call lol. All words, no action - yes I am aware of that. @Bailey I think you may be spot on. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 That is your indicator that YOU need to be the one to take action. You can take action to make sure it ends. Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted March 7, 2019 Share Posted March 7, 2019 That is your body’s way of saying... abort, abort, abort. Bailey is right! Don’t do it. Make the decision to not go and you will feel better. Don’t even tell him you’re not going or give him the opportunity to try and convince you to go. Just don’t, you know what lies ahead. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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