WasOtherWoman Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 So here's why i think complete NC may be a benefit: a) it would probably be good for you, help you to focus on your rebuild process and not worry about what he is doing and b) if you ARE a bandaid on his marriage and you are no longer there, let's see how he does. Many years ago, (my then MM lived in a different state from me, owned a company in my state, so he was with me all week and home on the weekends) I told my MM that I would no longer be taking his calls on weekends while he was in that state, with her. He replied that his calls with me were the only thing that kept him going on the weeekends. I was like, WTF?? seriously? I will NOT be a bandaid for your crappy weekends/marriage/whatever. Cut him off cold, immediately on weekends. (As IF i was going to help his crappy weekends.. i think NOT). He just had to stop going home on weekends if he wanted to talk to me, that was all. Cut him off.... see what happens. Either way, i think it is a win for you... 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted March 20, 2019 Author Share Posted March 20, 2019 So here's why i think complete NC may be a benefit: a) it would probably be good for you, help you to focus on your rebuild process and not worry about what he is doing and b) if you ARE a bandaid on his marriage and you are no longer there, let's see how he does. Many years ago, (my then MM lived in a different state from me, owned a company in my state, so he was with me all week and home on the weekends) I told my MM that I would no longer be taking his calls on weekends while he was in that state, with her. He replied that his calls with me were the only thing that kept him going on the weeekends. I was like, WTF?? seriously? I will NOT be a bandaid for your crappy weekends/marriage/whatever. Cut him off cold, immediately on weekends. (As IF i was going to help his crappy weekends.. i think NOT). He just had to stop going home on weekends if he wanted to talk to me, that was all. Cut him off.... see what happens. Either way, i think it is a win for you... Yeah I get it. We had 3 weeks of NC, except for the one meeting in week 2 where I walked out on him, didn’t look back, didn’t linger to give him a chance to chase me. Just left. In a weeks’ time, he had an “epiphany” so to speak and realized that the fear of walking away from us is greater than the fear of leaving. His words. He doesn’t want a life with her or a life without me. He realized he was using the kids to mask the fear factor. He gave me specifics about what he needed to do to leave and will provide a definitive timeline within the next week or two. Do I believe him? Not until he shows follow through. In the meantime, no reconciliation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 I couldnt imagine being in your position if he ever does leave. How could you get past his betrayals of you? You're not being enough to make a decisive decision. Nothing about that describes a hopeless romantic. Nah, I dont want love like that, and you shouldnt either. Could not agree more. I also could not love a man For whom I had completely lost respect, and live my life wondering if/when he will go back to that dating website or decide to go back to his wife/family. You have every right to make any decision you chose Kat. You can ignore all the wisdom and advice that has been offered here, tell us all that you know better, that you see the good in people, and then condescendingly tell us that we are all so black and white that obviously don’t see the shades of grey that you do... As has been said before, what we see that you may not is that you are back in your disease. You have changed your tune yet again and your defenses are up. Your anger is misdirected, but as you like to tell us... it’s all a part of your process. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Yeah I get it. We had 3 weeks of NC, except for the one meeting in week 2 where I walked out on him, didn’t look back, didn’t linger to give him a chance to chase me. Just left. In a weeks’ time, he had an “epiphany” so to speak and realized that the fear of walking away from us is greater than the fear of leaving. His words. He doesn’t want a life with her or a life without me. He realized he was using the kids to mask the fear factor. He gave me specifics about what he needed to do to leave and will provide a definitive timeline within the next week or two. Do I believe him? Not until he shows follow through. In the meantime, no reconciliation. This is just same stuff, different day. Each day you spend waiting for him is a day that you will never get back. It is very ego affirming to hear him say how much you mean to him. All he has promised you is a timeline within a week or two. Just a bunch of pretty words. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 What has changed is that I have let go of the anger. It was toxic and doing more harm to me than good. Unlike some posters, who only see black and white, good or bad, I see shades of grey. I am the one who has spent a lot of in person time with him the last year. I know the person, not just from the angry or hurt posts that are on this thread. This is a typical reply from people who want to defend the indefensible. When all else fails, accuse everyone else of being too simple minded to see shades of grey. Yes it's true that we judge people we don't know in real life but sometimes it really is as simple as knowing just a few things about someone to know that they are bad news. The only shades of grey here is that you are emotionally involved and because of that you can't see clearly. It is your vision that is faulty, not ours. There is a segment of posters that believe the only option is to tell it all. I’m not sure I believe that’s best in all cases. If you’re leaving and the spouse doesn’t know definitively, what is the point of rubbing it in their face as you’re walking out? Why devastate them doubly with a betrayal AND abandonment? What purpose does that serve? If you’re going to stay then I see greater value in telling because it’s hard to rebuild when there is a massive secret between you and your spouse. If it was something brief and inconsequential, maybe no need but this was neither brief nor inconsequential. Yes it would be devastating to know that your spouse has had an affair and that they have left you for their affair partner. It's a huge kick in the gut, but knowing the truth is also a gift. If the betrayed spouse doesn't understand that they have been left for another person then that will affect how they process the end of their marriage. They may start jumping through hoops trying to fix whatever they think is wrong with them that caused their spouse to leave. They may spend months or years feeling like a failure because their spouse left them, just because. They may be filled with self loathing and take on all the blame (which I'm sure the cheater and affair partner would love). It's just really really cruel to dump your spouse without giving them the truth or only partial truths. Yes the betrayed spouse may freak out and rant and rave and be difficult to deal with when they learn of the affair but once they work through the initial trauma they will be better able to move on and let it go. It's the not knowing the truth that keeps people stuck and in pain for years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 It would be really insane if duplicate items were picked for the wife/OW. Except it happens all the time 2 Link to post Share on other sites
NotADayGoesBy Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 I have watched this sometime ago, about some people who ended up having an A and staying with the MM/MW despite the pain they caused them. It seems that most of the time, these people who ended up falling for MP actually has problems of not feeling "loved". They spent their life, feeling unloved, unwanted and all - no matter how much their family, spouse or friends makes them feel loved they still don't feel it. It wasn't enough and will never be enough. So they go on look for that loved. Unfortunately the MM/MW is someone that makes them feel loved - mostly because of the effort they do to be with them. It doesn't matter if they can only spend a few hours with them. It doesn't matter matter if they have to be kept as a secret. But the fact that this person is taking the risk of losing everything just to be with them is what makes them feel loved. Wow, I just wanted to say that this really resonated with me, as much as it hurts to admit. Spot on observation, Lolita. Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Elaine that's all irrelevant. Who cares!! Who's taking notes about the gifts. How is this helping Kat. Are you helping support her or enjoying the rise of people hurting on these boards by throwing in more wood to the fire. Again, the music may seem cheesy to you but maybe its because you don't enjoy it. Ever make love to a beautiful song?? That experience will intoxicate a person for a lifetime. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 (edited) Kat, take a month with NO CONTACT. This means... blocking him from every Avenue that he has to contact you. So he cant send you notes that will have you confused again. Tell him you need to clear your head. Explain to him what you are doing. Do NOT look at his social media. Do NOT look at his wife's social media. Then write. Write everything he has made you feel. Good and bad. Go through all the reasons/excuses he has given for things that made you upset. Mexico, picture with her, the kids, the dog, etc. Etc. Get that out the first week. Pay attention to how you physically feel. You have said in this thread he made you feel anxious. And I cant imagine how you feel constantly checking up on social media (no judgement, I sometimes a year later find myself doing the same... it IS a process). Kat, this man is NOT a good prospect to spend your life with. Knowing that, why would you want to waste any more of your days giving him all your time and energy. At best, he is weak, indecisive and let's everyone else control his life. At worst (and much more likely) he is a narcissistic manipulator. And I get the thoughts about no one here knows him like you do. I said the same about my xWH. "But, you guys dont know him." I didnt either. Oh but boy, I do now. I was with the man for 20 years and he never scared me. This past weekend, he grabbed me in a way and looked at me with eyes that terrified me. See, there is no more need to keep a mask up around me anymore. And he did it so well for 20 years. Edited March 21, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator reply to deleted post 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Make no mistake as long as you remain in contact you are still in the affair! All you have done is remove the physical component. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 An OW is not drawn to the other man, rather she is simply avoiding herself. It's the romantic and sexual equivalent of gazing out the window and pining for the trees while your house burns down around you. It's the sweetest and most delusional version of procrastination we can muster. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Have any of you been the OW??? This pain is real. Kat's feelings for this man are genuine and pure. He may be manipulating her or he maybe really confused. He has a lot at stake. It's not so easy to walk away from. Now do I think Kat should wait around and listen to his NS no!! She is trying to gain her power back!! She is in love it's not so easy... if he loves her the same she will know!!! He will be willing to move mountains for her. She has advised him of where she stands now. Let's help guide her not throw more stones. Love is blind, but I believe Kat's eyes are wide open now!! The problem with this sentiment is that he is hurting her and doing more damage every day that he spins yet another tale to keep her hanging on for another goalpost that when it comes, she will be crushed yet again. And then angry and sad again until he reaches out, crying and promising that he has seen the light and he really will leave this time. Gently, this is emotional abuse. A REAL MAN would give her peace, take the chance that she gets her life back together and doesn’t want him and quietly go about getting his life sorted out so he has something to offer. A REAL MAN would not call her up, spinning tails with tears and promises and put her life back on hold. Give me one instance where this guy has ever self-sacrificed for Kat? When he took his wife to Hawaii? When she told him it was over and he begged her to meet for coffee only to let her down again? Naive woman and Kat, because you are so both caught up in your feelings - both love and empathy for these men - you fail to see how badly they are hurting you and hurting you everyday. If someone came up to your best friend or daughter and said, “I love you. I will do nothing to make your place in my life easy for you. I will be unreliable, I will be secretive and hide you, I will cancel dates on you and I will tell you how much more I love you than my wife but I will not leave her, leaving you to doubt everything I say,” would you tell your friend to run? And when that friend comes back after 88 pages and is still in the same limbo she was in back in October. When she has literally lived through six months of absolute torture, would you seriously be advising her to go back? I know you think we are being cruel, but I think we are desperately trying to stop the cycle of pain. I think telling her it’s all going to be okay is enabling a bad situation, honestly. And I think sometimes, you just get to the point that you don’t want to see another living, breathing kind and vulnerable human being not be hurt anymore. Kat, if you are reading this... please take the harsh comments as they are intended. Literally nothing has changed since you walked away from him at the restaurant. In your heart, you know that. Do whatever it takes to let go of this toxic situation. It’s slowly killing you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 (edited) Kat’s eyes may be a little more open now, but she still really wants the fantasy. If she didn’t, she would never be allowing him to contact her and keep the door open. The pain is real. That said, some of the pain is self-inflicted at this point. By answering his call, she chooses to stay in this painful cycle of behaviour. It’s sad, because so many people are cheering for her! So many people have given their precious time and replied in attempt to guide, support, and encourage Kat to walk away and find a happier and healthier path for herself. It’s so frustrating to see you go back, to know that you would take this man back tomorrow if makes himself available. Edited March 20, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 The pain is real. /QUOTE] Yes, the pain is perceived to be real. But we can choose to turn our attention to what actually is real and experience joy instead. This kind of pain provides us with self-importance. We become a martyr without having to do the real work of being an advocate for ourselves. Always an easy choice to love someone else rather than to evaluate whether we truly love ourselves at all. The OW is a better woman in her fantasy than she believes herself to be in real life. I think that's true whether they have too little, or far too much self esteem. Either way, is inauthentic. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 when I have stepped into that “grey area” I need to justify all kinds of bad behavior to make sense of things... MM... they are the perfect predators.. It's easy to see the MM as a predator, but in reality it's mutual. Once in that "grey area" each is preying on the other - and on everyone around them to maintain that area of grey. In the matter of infidelity every "victim" chooses to meet their "predator" half way. Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 What has changed is that I have let go of the anger. It was toxic and doing more harm to me than good. No, what changed is that he called. Said some pretty words and cried a little. That’s all it took! You said you were done and he made a liar of you once again. Serious question: what do you think would happen if you called his BS? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted April 6, 2019 Author Share Posted April 6, 2019 Hi there. I'm doing ok. Started reading my thread from the beginning. Things are as they should be at this point I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 How are you doing? Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 LKK, I know - or guess - that this probably doesn’t feel like the safe space it once did. But please know that wherever you are on the continuum with your relationship, we are still here for you. Yep, we can be a little judgey (speaking for myself), but we do care and can function as a sounding board if that would be helpful. Hugs, GG 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted May 9, 2019 Author Share Posted May 9, 2019 Hi GG, thanks for the hugs and follow up. Your timing is perfect. I am finally woke. We broke up for a month and he came back in tears. Knew I was the one he needed to be with, the one he missed and loved like no one ever. The last 2 months I was cautious. We met for the occasional coffee, dinner or movie. Well maybe not that occasional as we saw each other every Saturday night and once or twice a week besides. But it was all strictly hands off until last Friday. He was adamant he was leaving by June. I questioned him almost daily and he never wavered. He told me the plan was to find and apartment and he even told me about the contacts he would use to secure something for 6-12 months until we decided it was time to move in together. He knew he had some damage to repair with my daughter and he wanted to ease me into an introduction to his kids so as not to put me in the position of being the reason he left their mother. All sounded good. Sunday evening he indicates he is having uncertainty again. Monday morning he says he's pretty confident not within the next month or so as he needs to have a better comfort level about his family. The kids are in flux and he feels he can't disrupt them at this point. Since Sunday, I have had a few conversations with him that have only served to make me more disgusted with him. More importantly, more disgusted with myself for being so stupid and foolish, gullible and naive to believe he was being honest. He still insists he loves me and wants to be with me but then ignores what I say or ask. Was a time I couldn't imagine life without him. Now the thought of him makes my stomach turn. I feel like crap. I truly believed we were different. How could everyone here be right when they didn't know us? Well I guess those that end up here follow a similar trajectory. Those that "succeed" don't post here. They have no reason to. So now he can continue his life totally unscathed and I get to pick up the pieces. Link to post Share on other sites
georgia girl Posted May 9, 2019 Share Posted May 9, 2019 LKK, While I am glad you came back, I am so sorry he has let you down again. I believe that he wants the abstract of being with you but when it comes right down to the reality, he just can’t do it. Please know that this is not about you; it’s about him. He isn’t who you need him to be. Can you spend some time with your daughter? Just mom and daughter time? That will give you an escape from all of this emotion - the hurt, anger, love and sadness - and give you space to start healing. I am so very sorry. Hugs again, GG Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 Omg LK!! I'm so very sorry, I was hoping your situation would have been different from all the others. I really did. Mm are so very selfish not sure how they allow good women to pine or hurt over them. None of them are worth it!!! They all want the samething until pushed against the wall from the OW or the wife. Then they squirrel their way back home, unscathed is exactly right. We r left damaged and broken. They never emotionally fully attach. All just words that sound meaningful followed up by no action. Same story and same sad ending. You will get over him but it will take a very longtime. Right now, the best thing to do is keep distance so when he reappears you are stronger. They prey on the weak!! I am here for you too!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 We're all only human. Since letting yourself get drawn back in just postpones your full emotional recovery and delays the time when you'll fully have room for something better in your life, you'll probably keep your barriers up next time. Link to post Share on other sites
sagamore Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 (edited) We broke up for a month and he came back in tears. Knew I was the one he needed to be with, the one he missed and loved like no one ever. The last 2 months I was cautious. We met for the occasional coffee, dinner or movie. Well maybe not that occasional as we saw each other every Saturday night and once or twice a week besides. But it was all strictly hands off until last Friday. He was adamant he was leaving by June. Sorry LKK. That really sucks. I feel like as long as you allow yourself to hope, he will disappoint you. I bolded the above because I didn’t understand. I hope you didn’t mean that as soon as you allowed it to be physical, he told you he couldn’t leave... Edited May 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 10, 2019 Share Posted May 10, 2019 The kids are in flux and he feels he can't disrupt them at this point. Kids are always "in flux", 30, 40, 50+ yo kids are also "in flux", it is what being a parent is about, it never really ends, always some issue or another. This will never work out as he doesn't want to leave and you don't want to be the OW. He takes you down to the wire every time. "I'm leaving, I'm leaving, I'm leaving... Sorry, not this month, something has come up..." You are no better, "We are finished, we are finished, we are finished... Oh OK lets meet up on Saturday..." 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts