elaine567 Posted November 3, 2018 Share Posted November 3, 2018 Telling the wife may or may not work in your favour. A) he will kick you to the curb and make a desperate attempt to reconcile with his wife. Peace will be restored, the bubble burst, and he will go N/C with you. You may not hear from him ever again, or he will attempt to pick you up again once the dust settles. B) he will kick you to the curb and make a desperate attempt to reconcile with his wife. She will kick HIM to the curb, and he will come running to you. Whether he stays with you is another story, he may go back to her once she calms down. C) he is kick-started into action. It may work well and you get your fairy tale ending, or he may resent you for forcing his hand and ruining his marriage... D) After Dday he moves out, he leaves his marriage, but not for you... E) Nothing essentially changes, she forgives him and you all continue on as is, with him sneaking about and you still "waiting" as you cannot live without him... It is all a bit of a lottery. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted November 3, 2018 Share Posted November 3, 2018 ^^^^ This ^^^^ At least all players would be playing with the same knowledge, at the moment the wife is playing blind! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted November 3, 2018 Share Posted November 3, 2018 It's highly unlikely that anyone on this forum is going to recommend you stay and "help him work through it". That's a fool's game. If you want to continue on into perpetuity with all this angst and insecurity, then sure, help him. No matter how many things you list to convince us and yourself that he really loves you, he's making zero moves to divorce and truthfully and openly be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 Like I said before: think back to when you went through your own separation, which was difficult, even though it was quite understandable why you wanted to leave that kind of a M. No split is easy after being M a few decades. So it’s only normal that he’d be scared, reluctant and whatnot. It won’t be a linear process, there might be a lot of stalling/doubting/fear/guilt....be there for him if he needs you to, or, if you’re uncomfortable with that, withdraw until he has his **** figured out, I’m not saying wait until his D is through, because that could take months, and even years. But if that’s what you want - go for it! And make the best out of your life in the meantime. Don’t assume he is a “cake-eater”, just bc he’s not running off leaving a 30-year M like it’s yesterday’s trash. It’s just not how things work. I’ve been through that, and again - it’s not how things work. And no - don’t tell his W. What for!? Unless you’re a spiteful bitch, there’s no need for that. She already knows he’s contemplating D. No need to get involved on your end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 I read your other thread. No reason you needed to start a new one, it's simply a continuation of your continued engagement with a man who has a wife at home who he is unwilling or unable to leave and all get from him is vague excuses that he feels guilty leaving the mother of his children. You got a ton of great advice on that thread telling you that you're wasting your time with this guy. Nothing has changed. The advice is all the same on every thread - NC and get over it. I get the sense that no one actually pays attention to the specific circumstances, rather paints every MM with the very same brush and paint colour. I've taken great pains to share specifics. Artdeco makes fa great point: you don't throw away 30 years without angst and soul searching. And yes, 75% of men never leave their wives but the flip side of that is that 25% do. His actions suggest I am his priority, not her. That he hasn't worked through the angst is a different matter at this point. Maybe he never will but that is why I intend to start the new year in one of two ways, either with him with me, or me as a totally free woman without him. That's what the January trip to Europe is about: putting time and distance between me and the affair. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 Tell his wife, save yourself the pain. I don't think that minimizes the pain for anyone. In fact, it increases it for all three parties. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 He has been treating his wife appallingly and now she has spoken to her good friend about it. Why he is surprised about that, God knows? He is just as delusional as you are. I guess the boss and his wife will not be as sympathetic and supportive, when they realise he is playing away from home with you... That is why he is swerving them He isn't swerving them. He had an hour long conversation with both and is having a follow up conversation in a few hours. They acknowledge that the last 5 or 6 years she has treated him appallingly. He works 12-16 hours a day while she sits on her a$$ all day doing nothing so he can clean house and do laundry on the weekends, she fawns over the kids and dogs while she neglects his needs, she snaps at him and is condescending towards him. "Dick" and "Jane" made specific reference to how badly she treated him on the trip the two couples took together late 2015. On their return, MM moved out of the bedroom and hasn't returned. They are actually not surprised he is interested in separating. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 The problem is you have this 'kind, selfless' man behaving with incredible cruelty to his wife who is the innocent party in this. Oh there may be difficulties in their marriage but she doesn't deserve this disrespect. Ask yourself how you would feel if your husband treated you like this? I doubt you would be so accepting of his behaviour or trying to find justifications. First of all, I never neglected my husband, despite how he treated me. I disrespected my marriage in the end because I was disrespected and neglected for a long time. Tit for tat perhaps and not the right approach but he didn't get from me nearly what he dished out. If I were getting what she is getting, I would kick him to the curb, but that's likely what he wants. She on the other hand is not likely to kick a 30 year habit because then she might have to get off her a$$ and actually do something other than watch tv, troll the net and post idiotic stuff on FB. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 He'll never leave as long as he has continued access to you. Cut him off, 100% cold turkey. Even if he doesn't leave, at least you quit wasting your time in a dead end situation. You may be right - we shall see. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 Telling the wife may or may not work in your favour. A) he will kick you to the curb and make a desperate attempt to reconcile with his wife. Peace will be restored, the bubble burst, and he will go N/C with you. You may not hear from him ever again, or he will attempt to pick you up again once the dust settles. B) he will kick you to the curb and make a desperate attempt to reconcile with his wife. She will kick HIM to the curb, and he will come running to you. Whether he stays with you is another story, he may go back to her once she calms down. C) he is kick-started into action. It may work well and you get your fairy tale ending, or he may resent you for forcing his hand and ruining his marriage... D) After Dday he moves out, he leaves his marriage, but not for you... E) Nothing essentially changes, she forgives him and you all continue on as is, with him sneaking about and you still "waiting" as you cannot live without him... It is all a bit of a lottery. A lottery with poor odds and no winners. I prefer an approach that doesn't lead to all parties losing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 Like I said before: think back to when you went through your own separation, which was difficult, even though it was quite understandable why you wanted to leave that kind of a M. No split is easy after being M a few decades. So it’s only normal that he’d be scared, reluctant and whatnot. It won’t be a linear process, there might be a lot of stalling/doubting/fear/guilt....be there for him if he needs you to, or, if you’re uncomfortable with that, withdraw until he has his **** figured out, I’m not saying wait until his D is through, because that could take months, and even years. But if that’s what you want - go for it! And make the best out of your life in the meantime. Don’t assume he is a “cake-eater”, just bc he’s not running off leaving a 30-year M like it’s yesterday’s trash. It’s just not how things work. I’ve been through that, and again - it’s not how things work. And no - don’t tell his W. What for!? Unless you’re a spiteful bitch, there’s no need for that. She already knows he’s contemplating D. No need to get involved on your end. Once again Artdeco you seem to be the only one that isn't painting ever OM/OW with the same brush and colour. I get the impression you are the only one who has actually read the details and made a comment based on the individual merits of the story rather than saying it never works out or it always happens this way. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 Last night BS suggested they go away together for his birthday next weekend to which he responded she shouldn't book anything but he agrees they should talk. After the conversation with Dick and Jane, he realizes he has focussed a lot on how a separation will hurt her and not at all on the reasons that got him to this point to begin with. Dick and Jane opened his eyes to this. He realizes he can't put off the inevitable conversation for too much longer and feels he is in a better place now to reiterate that what he said to her 7 weeks ago still holds true today and that he wants to move forward with the separation. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 His actions suggest I am his priority, not her. That is I guess, where we beg to differ. He is staying at home with his wife, how is that making you his priority? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 Last night BS suggested they go away together for his birthday next weekend to which he responded she shouldn't book anything but he agrees they should talk. After the conversation with Dick and Jane, he realizes he has focussed a lot on how a separation will hurt her and not at all on the reasons that got him to this point to begin with. Dick and Jane opened his eyes to this. He realizes he can't put off the inevitable conversation for too much longer and feels he is in a better place now to reiterate that what he said to her 7 weeks ago still holds true today and that he wants to move forward with the separation. He might leave his wife but don't be surprised if you're the transitional girl. You'll be there for him during the separation and divorce and when he's nice and settled he will find someone new and build a life with a fresh clean start. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 That is I guess, where we beg to differ. He is staying at home with his wife, how is that making you his priority? He literally is only there to sleep, when he isn't elsewhere overnight. Most evenings and on weekends he is either at work or with me 4 or 5 times a weeks. When I need him, he's there. Can't say he responds the same to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 He might leave his wife but don't be surprised if you're the transitional girl. You'll be there for him during the separation and divorce and when he's nice and settled he will find someone new and build a life with a fresh clean start. Since the plan is that he move in with me, I guess he'll have to cheat in order to accomplish that. However, I know his moves so it won't take me long to figure it out and he'll be out on the street so fast it will give him whiplash. Link to post Share on other sites
brigit87 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 Since the plan is that he move in with me, I guess he'll have to cheat in order to accomplish that. However, I know his moves so it won't take me long to figure it out and he'll be out on the street so fast it will give him whiplash. Don't be surprised if that happens. This could be an "exit affair" for him. When you're dealing with cheating anything is fair game. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 Don't be surprised if that happens. This could be an "exit affair" for him. When you're dealing with cheating anything is fair game. Fair enough. It could be the case with me also since we were both with our spouses when the affair began. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 Since the plan is that he move in with me, I guess he'll have to cheat in order to accomplish that. However, I know his moves so it won't take me long to figure it out and he'll be out on the street so fast it will give him whiplash. Has he told Dick and Jane of the plan to move straight in with you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 Has he told Dick and Jane of the plan to move straight in with you? No he hasn't. Why is it any of their business? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 No he hasn't. Why is it any of their business? It isn't really, but if he had told his close friends about his plan, then it may be more likely to happen. BUT saying that, he may be waiting to see what his wife has to say, when they have the next "talk". Link to post Share on other sites
Author PhoenixRising8 Posted November 4, 2018 Author Share Posted November 4, 2018 (edited) It isn't really, but if he had told his close friends about his plan, then it may be more likely to happen. BUT saying that, he may be waiting to see what his wife has to say, when they have the next "talk". I suspect he doesn't want it to get back to her. The reason he wants out of the marriage isn't me. The state of their marriage resulted in me. I don't think his wife will have many pleasantries today as he left yesterday at 6:30 and didn't return until 2:30 this afternoon. Looks like by his actions he's actually trying to bring things to a head. Edited November 4, 2018 by LilKatKat Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 I suspect he doesn't want it to get back to her. The reason he wants out of the marriage isn't me. The state of their marriage resulted in me. I don't think his wife will have many pleasantries today as he left yesterday at 6:30 and didn't return until 2:30 this afternoon. Looks like by his actions he's actually trying to bring things to a head. OK but it is all pretty passive aggressive stuff and that isn't usually a good trait. He's like the naughty school boy staying out late to make his mother upset. Too weak to tell her to her face that he will be late home. At least schoolboys have the excuse of being very young. I guess, by behaving badly, he wants her to pull the plug on the marriage... I know you hate her and think she deserves all she is getting, but there are two sides to every story. He is not exactly covering himself in glory here, by these passive aggressive, weak and nasty, hurtful actions, is he? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 You keep saying your affair is no-one's business but his, you've said it about his friends and his children, as if they'll never find out. What do you think will happen if he does leave and move in with you? Do you honestly think there'll be no repercussions or consequences? It's almost like you have blinkers on that if you get to this point then that'll be the end of it. It won't, you may actually be entering the most stressful part of the relationship yet! Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted November 4, 2018 Share Posted November 4, 2018 You keep saying your affair is no-one's business but his, you've said it about his friends and his children, as if they'll never find out. What do you think will happen if he does leave and move in with you? Do you honestly think there'll be no repercussions or consequences? It's almost like you have blinkers on that if you get to this point then that'll be the end of it. It won't, you may actually be entering the most stressful part of the relationship yet! I agree. Everyone including kids may be hugely supportive of a man in a failing "past it's sell by date" marriage but add in an OW and it can change the complexion of the situation completely. Dick and his wife's friend Jane will not be happy they have been duped into supporting a cheater either I guess... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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