Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[S2B]

Even if he doesn’t move out - he could still file for D.

 

Has he even filed? Has he seen a lawyer?

[Veronica73]

I’m not a big one for no contact, as most here seem to be. But....maybe for you it would be a good thing?

[elaine567]

NC is the only thing that would work as all he needs to do is wait a while to give Kat a chance to miss him, turn on the waterworks then the charm, throw a few dates around on which he is "definitely leaving" and the whole thing starts again, that is until the "definitely leaving" date gets pushed back due to some event that he needs to be a home for...

Lather, rinse, repeat.

[SpiceCat]

I’m not a big one for no contact, as most here seem to be. But....maybe for you it would be a good thing?

 

Would love to hear your theories on how continuing contact with someone who's in another relationship is healthy or helpful for anyone involved. I personally do not see any benefits, but perhaps you can enlighten the rest of us who are suffering.

[Veronica73]

Would love to hear your theories on how continuing contact with someone who's in another relationship is healthy or helpful for anyone involved. I personally do not see any benefits, but perhaps you can enlighten the rest of us who are suffering.

 

Sorry, didn’t mean to trigger you.

[Amethyst68]

Are you going to stick to your boundaries this time? You've said this several times on here but changed your mind after a few weeks once he gets back in touch. Each time you say you've seen a new side to him, the real unattractive side but then somehow that version seems to disappear.

 

If I remember correctly it happened before you went on holiday, during the Christmas and New Year festivities, your holiday, his trip to Hawaii with his wife. Then some plan when he came back where he supposedly have you a timed plan to leave and you weren't going to have any interaction until he proved himself but you've been seeing him several times a week.

 

BTW this man doesn't owe your daughter anything, he has no responsibility to her, or you for that matter if we're being truly frank (although most posters won't like that). You chose to involve her in your relationship with a married man and it's your responsibility to deal with any fallout. You both entered this knowing you were married, you choose to divorce, he had not. I am sorry you ended up hurt but the only true victims are his wife and children. It's time to face reality and decide what kind of life you want for yourself going forward.

[SpiceCat]

Sorry, didn’t mean to trigger you.

 

You didn't sweetie. Do you have an answer to my question?

[PhoenixRising8]

It's been 9 days since I saw him and 3 days with no contact whatsoever. It feels different this time. I'm not pining for him or missing him. The thought of him literally makes me want to heave. When I go to my room, I see him there 10 days ago and I feel disgusted, with him and with myself.

 

We broke up 3 times before: 2 days, 3 days and 3 weeks. This feels different because I feel different. I gave him every chance possible. I told him the next time I leave I won't be back. He promised to prove to me I'd hadn't made a mistake. And for 2 months, he was as he was at the beginning. The last week or so, I noticed things were getting more like the last few months so I pressed and out comes the poor me crap again: daughter this, son that, work the other. He always said "where there is a will, there is a way" but now again the will was less. To be frank, it was different for me this time around. The passion for him was not what it was.

 

I know he cares about me, even loves me, to the extent he can love anyone other than himself. I believed him, mostly, when he came back after 3 weeks saying he finally realized us was what he wanted. And he would make it happen. But there was a big part of me that had real doubt. That doubt kept me cautious but I still hoped. I kept asking him and we kept discussing it. He even had some specifics in terms of moving, where and so forth. I thought maybe ... and I kept saying to him if he has any doubt, let's step back because if he cares about me, he won't lead me down the garden path ... again.

 

So now I'm in a bit of a tailspin. Not because it's over. Because I'm disgusted with myself. For not thinking through what an affair entails. For not ending it sooner. For believing there could be a happily ever after. For being so gullible and naive. But mostly for turning my back on every moral, value and belief I held dear my entire life. For participating in something I always said I wouldn't. So now I suffer and I have no one to blame but myself. The brief period of happiness was fleeting and not real. And I'm paying the price now. Mea culpa.

Edited May 13, 2019 by LilKatKat

[S2B]

Forgive yourself... and make a promise to never EVER go backwards.

 

 

He may love you... but he loves HIMSELF so much MORE!

 

Keep moving forward! Stay busy and occupied! Do NOT answer him when he reaches out! He will wait until you’re not mad anymore then contact - be ready to ignore him completely! THAT is the best method!

[Abetterme]

 

So now I'm in a bit of a tailspin. Not because it's over. Because I'm disgusted with myself. For not thinking through what an affair entails. For not ending it sooner. For believing there could be a happily ever after. For being so gullible and naive. But mostly for turning my back on every moral, value and belief I held dear my entire life. For participating in something I always said I wouldn't. So now I suffer and I have no one to blame but myself. The brief period of happiness was fleeting and not real. And I'm paying the price now. Mea culpa.

 

Kat - I understand this tailspin you’re describing very well. I’ve been stuck in the same self hate/shame cycle for some time. It is getting better, but you’re spot on.

 

He is not a good man...but perhaps he is finally trying to do the unselfish thing and remain to support his kids. Whatever the reason, he’s never leaving, and you don’t want him. I am glad you are feeling more resolute in that. You will move forward by working on yourself. All the best as you continue to heal.

[PhoenixRising8]

Support his kids?? There's a crock of excrement! They're both pushing 30 FFS! The 2 most dependent adults known to man!! Neither works nor pays rent. He just finished his welding training but now has quit his job because he'd rather do a different trade. She's moaning because she can't find a co-op. They're both gonna have a hard time standing on their own 2 feet when mummy and daddy are gone. That's what he's raised. Two people who can't stand on their own two feet.

 

I fell in love with an illusion. This man has a wishbone where a backbone ought to be. It's small wonder his "kids" are so needy. He will wake up one day and find that all those tomorrows he plans have turned into a pile of empty yesterdays. All this because he can't, or won't, conquer fear but succumbs to it. To the last conversation he was adamant he loves me and wants to leave, just doesn't know how. Guess his marriage, though "loveless and lifeless" is not that intolerable. Guess it's more tolerable for "the love of his life" to walk away.

Edited May 14, 2019 by LilKatKat

[sagamore]

LKK - he’ll be back, you know that. What’s your plan for when that happens?

[PhoenixRising8]

I doubt he'll be back this time. He knows I won't be the other woman any longer. That I won't sit around waiting for his crumbs and left overs. He hasn't even read my last goodbye to him from 3 days ago.

 

What's my plan? Well I'm not going to see him. I'm not getting sucked back in. He wants his marriage then he can have it. I have no place in that equation.

 

"I was as wrong as I could be

To let you get away from me

I'll regret that move

For as long as I'm livin'

But now that I've come to see the light

All I want to do is make things right

So just say the word

And tell me that I'm forgiven"

 

Words to the song I fell for when he came back 2 months ago. Stupid me actually gave him the benefit of the doubt whe he came back in tears telling me he realized he didn't want to be without me. Well I guess that may have been true, so long as I could stand being the OW. But seriously, why not just be honest? Not gonna leave my wife, end of.

Edited May 14, 2019 by LilKatKat

[S2B]

I’d bet a LOT of money he has his wife as dependent on him as his kids are.

 

He likes it this way...

 

He doesn’t make effort. He didn’t make effort to file for divorce. He won’t even make effort to find another OW... he’s lazy... he comes back knowing he can tell you what you need to hear. Finding a new OW takes a ton of effort.

 

He’s just a user and a taker... be done with this pile of poo...

[elaine567]

WE don't actually know where he is at in the "cultivating a new OW" stakes. This is the guy who met Kat on AM, he was not some guy who passively fell into an affair with a co worker.

NO, he deliberately set out to find a woman to cheat with. I can see no reason why he would not do that again.

He may seem weak, but he has rather adeptly strung Kat along for months and months and kept his wife on board too.

No mean feat.

[Abetterme]

Support his kids?? There's a crock of excrement! They're both pushing 30 FFS! The 2 most dependent adults known to man!! Neither works nor pays rent. He just finished his welding training but now has quit his job because he'd rather do a different trade. She's moaning because she can't find a co-op. They're both gonna have a hard time standing on their own 2 feet when mummy and daddy are gone. That's what he's raised. Two people who can't stand on their own two feet.

 

Yikes! I meant support as in keeping their family in tact. Whether they are productive citizens or not, he’s prioritizing them. Clearly that is hurtful to you, but it doesn’t sound like a fun family situation for you to be in long term either way.

 

I would agree with other posters in that hopefully you have a plan for when he reaches back out with the same sappy love songs you referenced. It’s not something to be defensive about, just prepared for.

[PhoenixRising8]

@Abetterme if I was sounding defensive, I wasn't meaning to. I just seriously doubt he'll be back. Or maybe that's just wishful thinking that he won't. In any case, back or not there's no going back. As I said, I don't miss him and I'm not pining for him. I'm just disgusted. With him and myself. As for his family situation, you are correct. It wouldn't be a bed of roses to be saddled with. And I always had concerns that even if he left, he might not stay gone. Something tells me he would have always had one foot in, one foot out.

 

@elaine well isn't that the frigid splash of water I needed. What kind of idiot believes she met Prince Charming on AM? Who is actually stupid enough to believe they met "the one" on there? Oh wait ... that would be me.

 

I was confused and lonely, very depressed. It was a desperate attempt to get some validation. And as soon as I was stronger I left because I knew it was what I should have done years ago. But while it was deliberate on both our parts, he had been on the site about 4 months before I came along. I was only on for a few weeks. Guess he was trolling for the perfect victim. Or maybe it was a genuine connection. Who knows. All I know is, he isn't the kind of man I can be with the rest of my life. Last 2 months have proved that beyond a shadow of doubt.

[jenkins95]

(((LilKitKat)))

 

Please don't be disgusted with yourself. You're a human being with flaws and dreams. You are not the first person to get yourself in a situation like this and you will not be the last.

 

But you have seen the light and you are coming across as strong and resolute now, even though you must be very hurt under all that.

 

You are on the right path now, the bubble has burst and you are seeing things clearly - this is very good news long term. You will be just fine and your future could be wonderful now. A few months to recover and then you will be free - and it will feel amazing to you

 

Take care of yourself. Thinking of you.

[PhoenixRising8]

Thank you for your kind words Jenkins. It's hard not to be disgusted with both of us, but with myself in particular. When this whole 'us' thing came into play, it was his idea and his actions matched his words. Then he told her he wanted to separate and things slowly started to change. By the time we broke up end of February, it was fairly clear, whether he loved me or wanted to leave he wasn't going to. Despite my better instincts and my intuition telling me otherwise, I gave him another chance. The fact he was able to prolong the roller coaster ride for another 2 months is on me, because I allowed it. Proves there really is no fool like an old fool and that love really is blind. I allowed my head to be over-ruled by my heart and fought to keep something that wasn't mine to begin with. Not that people are possessions but that marriage certificate counts for a lot in our society. I ignored that fact.

 

None of this makes sense to me. Maybe it isn't supposed to. Why come back in tears? Why spend 2 months insistent you are leaving. The last week of communication was brutal. Before he left the last time we saw each other, he confirmed this wasn't going to go on much longer as he couldn't handle the stress and the juggling. I said that time will tell which of us will prevail as his choice and he insisted it would be me. The next morning he texted he was having uncertainty about whether he could keep to his timeline of June but his next 2 texts were all hearts and kisses and he misses me. We talked at least once a day over the next 5 days. Suffice it to say, he was trying to convince me he couldn't do anything before September for a variety of reasons. I saw it as just another delay tactic. Our last call on Friday night, he said he hadn't given up on us. It was me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Then he abruptly ended the call because someone came down to the basement where he sleeps to let the dogs out of the walkout. He would call back but didn't. I wasn't surprised as he can fall asleep in an instant and I just assumed he had. By noon on Saturday, he hadn't even texted an apology. I eventually texted a perfunctory 'guess you fell asleep' and he responded with an equally distant yes and a brief apology. I responded with something like I guess you haven't had privacy to send off a quick text today and maybe we should just call a spade a spade to which he responded yes we should. I then sent him several texts telling him exactly what I thought, which texts remain unread. For all I know, he deleted them without reading. In any event, no response and no communication since. So it's done. Maybe he does love me and it's all just got to be too much. Who wants or needs that sort of perverted 'love'? So it doesn't matter.

 

This coming Sunday is his 29th wedding anniversary. Happy anniversary to them. He gets to continue with his life intact, no consequences or repercussions and I get to pick up the pieces of the shambles I made of my life. Somehow doesn't seem fair. In the end, I did it to myself.

 

For anyone wondering if an affair is worth it, or if they are in the midst of one and wonder if they should continue, my thread is the chronicle of the slow and painful end of an affair. It seems to follow the script. Read it and beware. The first half which was beautiful and carefree and loving was not worth the drama and what I'm left to deal with now. So disgusted I am and disgusted I shall remain until I come to terms with the fact that I deserve everything I've got as I allowed it. The end of an affair is very different from the end of a normal relationship. It was based on lies and deceit and in the end, you can't really be sure what was true and what were lies.

[elaine567]

Our last call on Friday night, he said he hadn't given up on us. It was me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Then he abruptly ended the call because someone came down to the basement where he sleeps to let the dogs out of the walkout. He would call back but didn't. I wasn't surprised as he can fall asleep in an instant and I just assumed he had. By noon on Saturday, he hadn't even texted an apology. I eventually texted a perfunctory 'guess you fell asleep' and he responded with an equally distant yes and a brief apology. I responded with something like I guess you haven't had privacy to send off a quick text today and maybe we should just call a spade a spade to which he responded yes we should. I then sent him several texts telling him exactly what I thought, which texts remain unread. For all I know, he deleted them without reading. In any event, no response and no communication since.

 

Sounds like maybe he got caught.

Dday.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Not that it matters one iota what he did, does or will do but he chose the path of least resistance - staying. That's what they do LKK, they stay. Doesn't matter if the W is an overweight, loveless harridan, they stay out of duty to the family. Love is secondary to them.

 

Yes he was trying to buy more time. Mine did. A multitude of excuses of why he couldn't leave. I heard them all. But all while promising this future for us. Detailed to the point where it was so believable. How could someone plan with such intensity when it wasn't real? Then another excuse. When I asked where he was with the separation process, he would provide more believable info. Ok, I thought, this is happening. But it didn't. Never was going to. He was either the most crafted liar and storyteller or he truly felt that way - when he was with me.

 

BTW, xMM and his W just celebrated their 28th anniversary earlier this month.

 

This truly changed me as a human being. I used to love life and everything in it. Now I'm cold, withdrawn, untrusting and scared. Hope this is a lesson to someone out there.

[PhoenixRising8]

He celebrates his 29th this Sunday. Hope it's the beginning of his treating her a lot better than he has. Neither she nor I deserved it but we allowed it. I always knew I was at a disadvantage but the unrealistic hopeless romantic believed love would conquer all. What a fool.

[Naivewomen]

LKK, you are not a fool!! You believed in him and were genuine with your feelings. Furthest from a fool. You loved him unconditionally and he loved you based on conditions. If anyone is the fool my friend, it's this MM. He gets to walk around knowing he hurt two woman. They dont go unscathed like you think. He did have feelings for you but WAS never going to act on them. I'm sure hes miserable and hurting. Mine returned several times to say just that! Believable who knows. You will reach a point that you dont care. Life doesnt end here. You just need to find your purpose now. You sound like a woman with a warm heart that fell in love with the wrong guy. Consider this a life lesson.

[PhoenixRising8]

Thank you NW but it is hard not to feel like a colossal fool.

 

As I reflect on what my life has become, what I have become, I find that I am in no better position than I was 15 months ago. I would say I am worse off. If I had it to do all over again, if I knew then what I know now, I wonder if I would have ended my marriage. Not because I still love him, or want to be married to him, not that the marriage wasn't toxic, because it was but at least I would have spared my daughter the devastation he caused in telling her what he did in the way that he did. At least her life would have been better off and I would not be dealing with the guilt of knowing that my decision to end the marriage resulted in her world being torn apart.

 

It's far too late for recriminations but my mind just keeps swirling. I am angry at Tom because he gets to keep living his life as though we never happened while I try to figure out how to repair all the damage. It isn't that I miss him, or want him back because I don't. Who wants someone who can't face problems but runs away from them? I often said that if he invested half the time and effort he did in me, who knows how much progress he would make in repairing his marriage. But he retreated from her and now he's done the same with me. Don't face things head on... retreat and take the path of least resistance and damage that is done to others be damned. That is his style. At least I couldn't live a lie with my marriage and did the only honourable thing in walking away. Seems ironic though. He lives a life of lies and duplicity and his life carries on as ever. I try to live honourablyin ending my marriage and wreak devastation.

 

No one ever said life was fair.

[Aloha123]

LKK if it's any consolation, in my experience the anger at yourself and him is the next step after sadness and dispair, so perhaps you are making progress on some level.