Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[BaileyB]

For what it’s worth Kat. I doubt that your daughter would ever want you to stay in an unhappy marriage to spare her pain. Just as you don’t want to cause her pain, I’m sure she would feel the same way...

[Starswillshine]

Kat, I think I have said this before but I think it is worth repeating. You are not a fool. You believed him because when you say something you mean it. When you discuss love, you mean it. You cannot fathom why he would say something when he knew he wasnt going to do it because you only say it when you mean it. This just means you are a good person. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a good person that believes in love. Nothing. Maybe that means you are vulnerable at times and maybe you get some bumps and bruises along the way, but it is still a good thing.

 

Take solace in that.

[DKT3]

I haven't read your thread since the beginning, so maybe I'm repeating something.

 

I think you're angry at yourself and transferring that on MM. I believe you saw him as your KISA. The truth is this is the same guy that he was when you thought it was so blissful, that same guy that gave you the shove to walk away from your marriage, which created havoc in your life and your daughters life.

 

Leaving your marriage may have been the right thing to do, I dont know, only you do. But leaving was made easier because you believed that you had found the answer, the fallout on your daughter was not in your center view because you had found the answer.

 

Now you know you were wrong and you're angry, now you question the decisions you made while blindly following this guy around.

 

Your solution is knowing you made decisions, you alone are responsible for those decisions and the fallout of those choices. Ultimately this isnt about MM, is wife or his life seeming to be untouched. It's about you, and your choices, again only you know if they were the right ones. Accept that you did your best and learn from this.

 

Lastly, because you where so deeply involved with the married man, the fact that you feel worse is normal. Why? Because you haven't really dealt with ending your marriage, that's why you're questioning if leaving was best. Understand normal circumstances without the affair this is how you would have felt in the beginning, the affair delayed those feelings and actually dealing with ending a 30 year relationship. Not only that, but you've doubled down and you now have to deal with two relationships endings.

 

Stay strong in your resolve, and each week will be easier then its predecessor.

[PhoenixRising8]

I am angry at myself for being the hopeless romantic who believed in happily ever after. Maybe that's why I am always disappointed. There is no happily ever after and there never has been my entire life. But I am angry at him because he knew my whole backstory and fed the fantasy for so long. He didn't have to come back in tears and with sappy love songs 2.5 months ago. It would have been easier because I was accepting it was over because he just couldn't do it, even if he wanted to. I didn't feel used and now I do. He prolonged it, seemingly for his own purposes. That's the part that makes me feel used. That he came back. The first part, if he was using me, I had used him also so we were even.

 

And yes, he was my KISA. He did make it easier to walk away. The havoc that was wreaked would have happened with or without him because that is just who my ex is. He'll hurt whoever is in his path if it means hurting me. No regrets leaving him, just wishing it could have been without his collateral damage but I know that would have happened one way or the other as it wasn't the first time he had threatened to tell her in the worst circumstances possible, or the first time he"d dropped hints to her. My questioning of my decision is only because had I not left, I might have avoided my daughter's angst, but likely not forever. So in the end, while I am feeling guilty about that, it isn't rational, but guilt sometimes isn't.

 

Leaving my marriage was the right thing to do, and I almost did quite a few years ago but his sister convinced me to give it another try. I regret not following my instincts and hanging in far past the best before date. Did I follow Tom blindly? I'm not entirely sure I did. I believe he intended to leave but he jumped on his first opportunity last September without planning or thought. And then he spent several months acting out with BS in the hopes she would succumb to his desire to leave. I'm not basing this on what he told me but on events I know actually happened. He believed she didn't care about him and she proved she did. It may only be for the same reasons he cares about the marriage but clearly that was enough to reconsider. They've spent 30 years raising a family, cultivating friendships, being financially intertwined. That's a lot to unravel, especially for the conflict avoidant person. I know because I'm living it. Maybe that's why i gave him so much latitude. Goes to show, even with a full blown love affair, the BS wields more power than she knows, where men are concerned in any case. She knew he was having an affair and she let him act it out without confrontation, knowing him as she did, knowing he would never take the leap.

 

You are correct in this: I alone am responsible for the choices I made although I know he continues to live his life as he always has: going to work every day, his family and activities intact and no one is the wiser, at least not that they are showing it. It seems very unfair that for him each day is as it always was, no consequences, while mine are filled with doubt, uncertainty and recrimination.

 

Lastly, I had dealt with the end of my marriage. I grieved its slow death over the course of 10 years. Had I not known it was over, I never would have entertained the notion of an affair. I actually believed it would help me keep my marriage because I would have a distraction so you can say that I too was conflict avoidant. I believed someone who was married was also safe from demands beyond an affair but that proved to be wrong. I never expected to fall in love, never wanted to because I was the self-proclaimed ice princess. How wrong was I? We all know the answer to that question. I only question if leaving was best because I sometimes think it may have avoided my daughter finding out the way she did and in the end, today I am in no better place than I was 15 months ago so if I might have spared her, that, I might have chosen otherwise. Then I realize that it was not the first, and would not have been the last time he pulled something like he did and realize it would have merely delayed the inevitable. Meanwhile I would have continued to drown, but I am now anyway.

 

I am trying to stay strong in my resolve, but today, more than any day in the last 2 weeks, I feel very weak. I want nothing more than to text or call. I've resisted so far but the day is still young. One moment at a time....

[heartwhole2]

We're the ones who make our lives happily ever after. My dad committed suicide when I was 28. My husband cheated on me when I was 34. I suffer from a chronic health condition that limits my activity. These things were/are awful and I would never willingly go through them, but I always knew that I would be OK. I know that if my husband leaves me or dies or isn't worthy to be my husband any more, I will be OK. I will find love because the universe tends to give us back what we put into it. There will never be enough catastrophes in the world to eliminate all the people I love and who love me. I will live happily ever after. It won't be how I envisioned it when I was younger, but it almost never is.

 

I'm sorry that your ex isolated you from people. That is wrong and you didn't deserve that. Can you think of one or two ways to put yourself out there to meet new people? There are plenty of wonderful people out there, but where you look for them matters. You're not likely to find them on AM. You are likely to find them volunteering for a charity or doing a hobby you love.

 

I hope you'll find the strength not to give into your impulse to contact him. You know that no good is going to come from continued contact. Pour yourself into good things, instead. What can you do today to invest in your happily ever after?

[Amethyst68]

Kat, you're making assumptions about his wife knowing. In fact you've us on this thread that while your MM supposedly told her about wanting to separate he definitely did not tell her about you or your relationship. Now you're contradicting yourself because it suits your narrative better at this time. Oh I agree she probably had suspicions but many BS's bury then deep because they're deep in denial.

 

One other thing to think of, you say this man was your KISA. Did you ever consider how this could be true when he was so willing to lie and hurt his family, his wife of 30yrs?

[S2B]

Have you worked with a counselor on how to help yourself? What a healthy boundary looks like for yourself?

[Artdeco]

He is the one stuck in an unhappy marriage, you're not.

 

I literally know tons of people who met when one of them was still in a committed R/marriage, and they are now happily engaged or married to that person.

 

ALL of these couples went through backs-and-forths, flip-flopping, unhappy times, and a lot of curve-balls that life threw at them. It often took years for the married partner to disengage from their marriage. Some of the other partners waited it out, some didn't. Those I know who waited it out lived their lives. Dated. Went on solo trips or on vacations with family or friends, and kept an open mind. They were open to dating others, and still be "friendly" with their MP. For some, the pieces fell into place at some point; they either wanted nothing to do with their AP, or they started an official R with their AP.

 

What I am trying to say is: Do not put your life on hold. Do what you would do if you had never met him. Force yourself, if it doesn't come naturally. Don't be bitter. I guarantee you that he is not happy with his life. You don't need to punish him. He is already miserable. Can you imagine that prison he feels he's in? I wouldn't want that even if somebody gave me 1 Million $ to endure it.

 

We always act like the "cheating man" is a monster. A user. I don't buy that. The cheater is an unfulfilled soul who is looking elsewhere for fulfillment. How sad for them! We give them way too much power. I don't feel anger towards these men, I feel pity.

 

Understand how pathetic and weak he feels, and you will feel empowered!

I was once in your situation, and while I sometimes didn't understand my former AP, I also knew I didn't have to. I can't live his life or him, I cannot solve his problems, I cannot make his decisions. Therefore, I felt completely detached from him when we were not together, and I felt attached whenever we did spend time together. But none of my decisions, plans, vacations and whatnot ever depended on him. None. Our relationship and all that came with it fell into place at some point, and it was a good thing when it did. But nothing's ever black and white.

And I always knew that.

[sagamore]

Kat, of course it’s going to be hard. Stop trying to look so tough to yourself and say things like “I don’t miss him.” Of course you miss him. It was a relationship. However much of an a-hole we all think he is, however much those song lyrics make me want to barf you love him and that takes time to get over.

 

This weekend is going to suck. But you know he’s coming back right after Sunday is done. So...make your plan now. Stay busy. Reach out for those meet-ups. Call your daughter. Listen to sappy songs and drink a glass of wine. Go to therapy. When I was feeling down I used to spend hours reporting right-wing conspiracy theorists on FB and getting their profiles disabled Whatever works.

 

You need to start working on this now. I fear you’re not done yet. Why? Because you don’t yet have a support system to replace him. Start building that right now. I think having more support will not only get you through this breakup but prevent you from picking bad guys in the future out of loneliness or desperation.

 

And keep posting.

[PhoenixRising8]

I hope you'll find the strength not to give into your impulse to contact him. You know that no good is going to come from continued contact. Pour yourself into good things, instead. What can you do today to invest in your happily ever after?

 

I know no good will come out of continued contact. Being sucked back in after a one month break just made it worse now.

 

As for investing in my own happiness, I'm not sure what that looks like. I'm lost like never before in my life. This decision was the worst of my life. I don't know what else to say.

[PhoenixRising8]

Have you worked with a counselor on how to help yourself? What a healthy boundary looks like for yourself?

 

I have been in counselling for a year working on a number of issues. Boundaries are the last on my list. Boundaries have never been a problem for me. I have never strayed or thought of straying. I've rejected many opportunities, both with married and unmarried men. This circumstance was borne out of sheer desperation to survive, to feel alive again. The situation I was in is not likely to occur again. And even if it did, I learned a massive lesson. So no, boundaries is not something I need to work on as I have them and will not push beyond them in future.

[PhoenixRising8]

ALL of these couples went through backs-and-forths, flip-flopping, unhappy times, and a lot of curve-balls that life threw at them. It often took years for the married partner to disengage from their marriage. <SNIP>

 

He may be in an unhappy marriage but clearly he is content to remain. It's comfortable, he knows what to expect, doesn't risk losing friends if he leaves and doesn't have to unravel finances. To him that trumps love. I get that because I went through those very same arguments in my mind and deferred leaving for 10 years. Was it worth it? No. But he'll either learn that on his own or not. If he does learn it, it will be too late for us. He may be weak but he obviously is capable of resolve when it comes to ending us. I would get it if the "kids" were not adults, but they are. So in the end, he may love me and "prefer" to be with me, but his preference is not true desire. I am not enough. What we had is not enough. I can't change that.

 

As for the people that go through this and live through the flip flopping for years, I don't have the intestinal fortitude for that. The last 6 months have been hell. I can't imagine years of that, especially when the possibility exists he would never be able to do it and I would have wasted my time waiting and hoping and killing myself slowly. I don't have it in me. I already wasted 10 years on a dead marriage and a year on him. That's a lot of wasted years.

Edited May 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[PhoenixRising8]

Kat, of course it’s going to be hard. Stop trying to look so tough to yourself and say things like “I don’t miss him.” Of course you miss him. It was a relationship. However much of an a-hole we all think he is, however much those song lyrics make me want to barf you love him and that takes time to get over.

 

This weekend is going to suck. But you know he’s coming back right after Sunday is done. So...make your plan now. Stay busy. Reach out for those meet-ups. Call your daughter. Listen to sappy songs and drink a glass of wine. Go to therapy. When I was feeling down I used to spend hours reporting right-wing conspiracy theorists on FB and getting their profiles disabled Whatever works.

 

You need to start working on this now. I fear you’re not done yet. Why? Because you don’t yet have a support system to replace him. Start building that right now. I think having more support will not only get you through this breakup but prevent you from picking bad guys in the future out of loneliness or desperation.

 

And keep posting.

 

Thanks for the words of encouragement. You are correct, there is nothing to replace him at the moment. I'm not even sure where to begin.

 

I'm not clear why you think he will be back after this weekend. He hasn't even read the messages I sent after the last time we spoke. He likely just deleted them without reading. Seemingly I'm easy to discard and easy to forget.

[elaine567]

I'm not clear why you think he will be back after this weekend. He hasn't even read the messages I sent after the last time we spoke. He likely just deleted them without reading. Seemingly I'm easy to discard and easy to forget.

 

This is what happens on a D-day.

The wife finds out and confiscates his phone, and/or dares him to contact the OW ever again, she closely monitors him. He has to promise NC with the OW or they are over...

[BaileyB]

We're the ones who make our lives happily ever after. My dad committed suicide when I was 28. My husband cheated on me when I was 34. I suffer from a chronic health condition that limits my activity. These things were/are awful and I would never willingly go through them, but I always knew that I would be OK. I know that if my husband leaves me or dies or isn't worthy to be my husband any more, I will be OK. I will find love because the universe tends to give us back what we put into it. There will never be enough catastrophes in the world to eliminate all the people I love and who love me. I will live happily ever after. It won't be how I envisioned it when I was younger, but it almost never is.

 

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

 

Kat, you are not wrong to be a hopeless romantic, or to believe in happily ever after... There are good people in this world and I hope you do find/have the love you seek. Where you went wrong was believing that you would find it on the AM site. Unfortunately, that was a lesson that you learned the hard way.

 

Go out and enjoy the sunshine today. Endless possibilities wait around the corner... Go out and find them!

[PhoenixRising8]

This is what happens on a D-day.

The wife finds out and confiscates his phone, and/or dares him to contact the OW ever again, she closely monitors him. He has to promise NC with the OW or they are over...

 

Not sure how she would have found any proof as he deleted all messaging apps. We communicated via iMessage and he always deleted those. My name isn't even in his contacts. She has known for a while he's stepping out and there were many more opportunities pre split in February for her to actually find proof. He was actually being much more discreet the last 2 months.

[PhoenixRising8]

This is beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

 

Kat, you are not wrong to be a hopeless romantic, or to believe in happily ever after... There are good people in this world and I hope you do find/have the love you seek. Where you went wrong was believing that you would find it on the AM site. Unfortunately, that was a lesson that you learned the hard way.

 

Go out and enjoy the sunshine today. Endless possibilities wait around the corner... Go out and find them!

 

When I went on AM that wasn't even a consideration. It wasn't the goal. I thought I hit the jackpot accidentally. After all, it's the compatibility, friendship, understanding and love that develops that's important, not how you met, right? Foolish, silly me.

[mark clemson]

As for investing in my own happiness, I'm not sure what that looks like. I'm lost like never before in my life. This decision was the worst of my life. I don't know what else to say.

 

 

So, I think you should try to find some friends or something to do with your time that involves socializing/groups. That could include meetups, interest clubs or hobby groups, church groups, volunteering, friendship apps or anything similar. Something to give you at least a bit of a purpose along with the socializing. Suggest you keep it platonic for now.

 

After you've recovered emotionally some more, perhaps it will be time to start dating.

[elaine567]

Our last call on Friday night, he said he hadn't given up on us. It was me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Then he abruptly ended the call because someone came down to the basement where he sleeps to let the dogs out of the walkout. He would call back but didn't. I wasn't surprised as he can fall asleep in an instant and I just assumed he had. By noon on Saturday, he hadn't even texted an apology. I eventually texted a perfunctory 'guess you fell asleep' and he responded with an equally distant yes and a brief apology. I responded with something like I guess you haven't had privacy to send off a quick text today and maybe we should just call a spade a spade to which he responded yes we should. I then sent him several texts telling him exactly what I thought, which texts remain unread. For all I know, he deleted them without reading. In any event, no response and no communication since.

My guess is that someone heard his call to you, they may even have been recording in the basement.

He hung up immediately and all hell broke loose... his distant "yes" and "yes we should" may have been due to her being right in his face.

[BaileyB]

After all, it's the compatibility, friendship, understanding and love that develops that's important, not how you met, right? Foolish, silly me.

 

Meeting on AM defines the relationship from the very first “hello...”

 

Definitely agree with Mark. This is a time to look inward, to create the life that you want and find your own happiness. Your happiness has been tied to men for way too long, and in a very unhealthy way. I would not be dating again until I could say that I have found my own self. To date now would make you very vulnerable to another predator. The last thing you want to do now is jump into another relationship for all the wrong reasons...

Edited May 18, 2019 by BaileyB

[georgia girl]

I tend to agree with Elaine. I think he was overheard and had a D-day. It all fits. He was trying to convince you - again - to stick it out and give him another delayed deadline and then everything went dark. Someone overhead more than he expected and I believe he’s probably cleaning up that mess. You may have been completely deleted off of his phone but if he was overheard, it doesn’t take much to get the phone bill and start piecing things back together. If he did have a D-day, it will be proof positive of where he intends to stay, either at home or go to you.

 

On another note, however, I agree with all of the other posters who are talking about life after love. Yes, you have to grieve for awhile and it’s a very sad time. But Kat, you have been miserable since October. Maybe you were not in grief but the turmoil you were experiencing was just - if not more - negative and harsh. If someone told you that you would need to grieve for the next 3-6 months but that at least your life would be reliable and that after six months, you would be able to start building your next fantastic life, would you do it? Because that’s what we are telling you. Anything will be better than where you are today but seriously, you are so kind, empathetic and hardworking, that I have to believe that what’s waiting out there for you is going to be fantastic. I wish you the strength to push yourself through this so you can get to your next life.

 

And then, come back periodically and help others.

 

Gail

[BTDT2012]

You can learn the lesson without beating yourself up. Second guessing yourself now serves no purpose. Feeling like you've been played for a fool doesn't feel good. Take a break from relationships. Use that energy on yourself and developing friendships. You will survive this. Just don't let him wiggle his way back in.

[PhoenixRising8]

So, I think you should try to find some friends or something to do with your time that involves socializing/groups. That could include meetups, interest clubs or hobby groups, church groups, volunteering, friendship apps or anything similar. Something to give you at least a bit of a purpose along with the socializing. Suggest you keep it platonic for now.

 

After you've recovered emotionally some more, perhaps it will be time to start dating.

 

Yes, I agree. I'm not in any state to date at the moment and it wouldn't be fair to either person.

[PhoenixRising8]

My guess is that someone heard his call to you, they may even have been recording in the basement.

He hung up immediately and all hell broke loose... his distant "yes" and "yes we should" may have been due to her being right in his face.

 

You may be right but I'm doubtful. The bedroom is right next to the stairs so he would have heard someone coming down. However, anything is possible.

[PhoenixRising8]

Meeting on AM defines the relationship from the very first “hello...”

 

I don't disagree entirely however, definitions, like everything else in life, change over time. I guess I was led to believe we had moved beyond that.