Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[Starswillshine]

Another thing not often discussed... the OW sometimes blame the BW for manipulation, trying to up the game so the MM picks her, etc, etc..... meanwhile, OW is doing the exact same thing. Except OW knows. BW doesnt.

[PhoenixRising8]

If asking him to consider whether the affair is a way to get her attention, suggesting strongly MC (she suggested it, he declined), talking to him endlessly about how he isn't treating her well, he should do the honourable thing and leave if he doesn't want the marriage or end the affair if he does is being manipulative then I guess I was a miserable,selfish, self serving cow. There you go. I'm just as worthless and depraved as he is and deserve every ounce of misery I now have.

[S2B]

Time to do a good saging session, epsom salt bath and throwing out anything he every gave you.

 

Just cleanse everything for a fresh start...then no looking back.

[heartwhole2]

I'm sure there are lots of instances where I hear about something hurting someone else and I don't have as much empathy as I could. I also don't think anyone expects two people who met on AM to spend a whole lot of time worrying about each other's spouses. In the grand scheme of the destructive choices you are trying to unravel, I don't think this particular point tips the scale all that much.

 

But it does sound like having empathy for others is important to you, and you may still be giving more weight to intentions and feelings than to choices and actions. And by that measure, if intentions are what matters and not whether our choices cause harm to others, then your xMM hasn't done wrong by you either. This could be something to explore further at a time when you are not otherwise overwhelmed by anniversaries and grief.

 

It may be easier to swallow your guilt when you frame it as "I'm still a good person because I cared about BW" or "I'm still a good person because I only did it because MM misled me." True self-acceptance is scary but in the end it will serve you better than minimization.

[PhoenixRising8]

If I were still in the midst of the affair I could understand. But I’m not and never will be again. There is zero chance. At the time I had hit rock bottom (or so I thought) and I met quite a few that I immediately discounted because they were in it just because. He seemed to be different. Genuinely unhappy and wondering if he should stay in the marriage. We bonded over our miserable existence. Did I find the wrong solution? Absolutely. Would I do it again? No way! I let him into my marriage and he did the same. But he also knew how vulnerable I was but that didn’t stop him. Yes I made bad choices, I wasn’t thinking clearly, I ignored my own morals and values, something I will never do again. But is it really necessary to beat me up anymore? I’m beating myself up enough as it is. So thanks for the support.

 

I know what my motivation and trigger was. I know it was wrong and I’m paying the price while he goes on his merry way as though nothing happened. Not fair but that’s life. And I’m on here trying to help someone else to see things more clearly. I can’t change what happened and getting on me about BS no when it’s well and truly done and I’m having a hard time already well if that makes people feel better to kick someone when they’re down, have at it I guess and thanks. Shouldn’t expect anything different I suppose as I get this from people in real life all the time anyway. Just don’t deserve anything better. Didn’t get it from parents, xH, why expect anything different from random strangers on the net.

[DKT3]

My Male mind finds it difficult to understand how these things are so complicated for women to get. Many, many men out there have affairs not just affairs but "normal" relationships as well where they simply take what the woman is offering. He then wants it to continue so they lie, they tell you what you want to hear or need to hear to ease your conscience so you continue to give. With married men, they want to hear the marriage is bad, the wife is horrible and they want out...is that true? Not likely, in cases that it is, MM will leave quickly. Dont believe me, look at the several MW/OW that ended up with MM it happened quickly.

 

My point is katkat, there is not likely a deeper meaning for him. I'm not saying he didn't care about you, I not even saying he hadn't thought or considered leaving. I saying it wasn't that deep, his intentions were likely to simply maintain a relationship with you and stay married. The reason behind why is irrelevant.

 

I think it's why you feel stuck, you need for it to have meant as much to him as it did to you. After all he took the same risks, right? He was/is in a equally horrible marriage, like you he should want out, right? with that being said, ask yourself which is more likely given the information you have now?

 

Bottom line is this, if he was as involved as you, once you cut him off it would have spurred him into action to make the two of you legitimate, don't you think?

[PhoenixRising8]

Well I’m not a man, never been a cheater and had been loyal for 30 years. Naive? Yup. Not like I’ve had lots of experience with men beyond my husband. Guess I should have done my research before not after the fact.

Edited June 9, 2019 by LilKatKat

[heartwhole2]

Trying to kick you when you are down is not the same thing as asking questions that may help you gain further insight. When your answer holds up to scrutiny it won't result in a "Make this bad feeling stop!" reflex for you because you'll be at peace in your truth. The goal is to develop the insight and resilience to handle those big feelings.

 

Of course, this is a time when you are struggling with grief so trying to dig deeper and gain further insights can wait a little while. Learning more about yourself and how to be the person you want to be is a life-long journey.

 

I don't know what comments or questions might make you spiral. I can only suggest that when you feel the urge to say, "See! You're right! I'm worthless!" that is a faulty coping mechanism designed to protect you from things that make you feel bad. But employing this faulty mechanism just results in further dysfunction for you. Either the person gives up on you, or they stop being truthful with you (like when a MM plays the pity card so the OW will stop making demands or asking questions).

 

Find ways to root yourself in your worth. Meditation, music, deep breathing, talking to yourself as a child. You are the one who needs to soothe and heal this wound; no one else can do it for you.

[PhoenixRising8]

YeAh I’m digging deep but going on about what my thoughts about the BS were in the beginning serves no purpose now. Maybe later but not now

[SpiceCat]

I was going through my own drama with xH. The separation, the harassment from him, the stuff with my daughter. Combine that with the fact that he portrayed his situation to be the same as mine, although not quite as bad, because mine was horrible. And he was leaving her, he convinced me. We first discussed it after I returned from my trip end of May. He and I 24/7/365. So no, not the first 6 months. If that makes me a horrible person, so be it. What is the point of this anyway? I feel crappy enough as it is. Is this really necessary Elaine?

 

You're not a horrible person. Not from what I can see. But you made some horrible choices and you hurt other people with them. Naivete is not an excuse for this, nor is dealing with your own drama.

 

Until you own this, you will not heal. I learned this the very, very hard way..my lesson included an intentional prescription pill overdose and a trip to a psych ward. PLEASE DO NOT let yourself get to that point. I assure you, it is like being in literal hell.

[elaine567]

SpiceCat is correct.

Instead of romanticising the "I love yous" and wallowing in grief on this "anniversary", maybe it would be better and do you more good in the long run if you started seeing it for what it really was...

Otherwise you will be stuck in a loop.

[PhoenixRising8]

It ended like 5 or 6 weeks ago ... sorry I'm not quite over it yet.

 

And yes spicecat, I own it. Maybe that's why I'm beating myself up so much ... because I knew better.

[PhoenixRising8]

SpiceCat is correct.

Instead of romanticising the "I love yous" and wallowing in grief on this "anniversary", maybe it would be better and do you more good in the long run if you started seeing it for what it really was...

Otherwise you will be stuck in a loop.

 

It was a significant occurrence I thought and it made me sad. Sorry I didn't forget the first significant milestone after the break up. I mean, I had a whole five weeks to get over it right?

[S2B]

Kat, have you worked with a counselor to help you?

 

It may help you process this and stop beating yourself up. It may also help you recognize some things about the situation you may not have shared with us here.

[SpiceCat]

It ended like 5 or 6 weeks ago ... sorry I'm not quite over it yet.

 

And yes spicecat, I own it. Maybe that's why I'm beating myself up so much ... because I knew better.

 

Nobody, including me, is asking you to be over it. Relax. You WILL come out of this and you WILL be fine.

[Buffer]

It ended like 5 or 6 weeks ago ... sorry I'm not quite over it yet.

 

And yes spicecat, I own it. Maybe that's why I'm beating myself up so much ... because I knew better.

Hi LiKatKat

 

I have looked at you post, I feel you have had a hard trot, near the end of your relationship. Never hang in a toxic relationship with emotional abuse. No matter what the assets invested are.

 

I am a bit on the slow side but did you use this to start a PA whilst still in a marriage (paper only) but why does that excuse the AP he is a pig of a man!

He will never leave his wife and child. You were a piece of fluff for him not being crude. You I am sure are a beautiful person, who has had a rough few years.

 

Move on from both, your abusive partner as well as the pig of AP

 

You need to surround yourself with supportive people, not enabling ones. Reach out to your children establish a good rapport with them. Then once clear in mind hit the dating sights for you!

 

Set boundaries like No married men, no engaged men, no current girlfriend status. Regardless of how the rock your Sox. I would always wonder if they cheated to be with me would she do it to me once the honeymoon phase is over and it is back to life mode.

 

Good luck in love I am sending you like love from abroad.

Edited June 14, 2019 by Buffer
Spelling

[heartwhole2]

That is a good point about the difference between supportive people and enabling people.

 

I support you in making good choices for yourself. I understand that you were in love and you are experiencing real heartbreak. I know that it will take time to get over, and that no one flips a switch and says, "Well, that affair was a bad idea, now I have zero feelings about it whatsoever." I have always been someone who finds the anniversaries of sad events bring up a lot of emotions. You find yourself transported back to what you were thinking and feeling a year earlier.

 

Have you tried any tools for grieving? Write letters to xMM, lead yourself through a tapping (EFT) session . . . Your broken heart will heal, and the more you can face your pain, the more quickly this will happen.

[PhoenixRising8]

This past week since the anniversary was the lowest point for me in the last 6 weeks. I can't even remember how many times I wanted to text or call. Thankfully I didn't. What would be the point? He would either ignore my call/text which would make me feel terrible. Or if we talked I'd risk a re-start or rejection, which would be worse still. There is no go outcome to contact. Not for me in any case.

 

I've thought a lot about the good, the bad and the ugly. The first 7 months he made me feel alive, loved, cherished, respected. I felt like the only woman, not the other woman. That feeling is what I miss. I was his priority and he showed it, choosing me and my needs over the BS time and time again. But that was a double edged sword. If he could be so cruel to his partner of 30 years and mother of his children, why did I think I would not be given the same treatment? And ultimately I was treated the same cruel way. He left that last Saturday night saying 'I love you more' after I responded 'I love you' to his and the next day, he said he was having doubts again. We talked over the next week and on our last call he said he hadn't given up on us then ghosted me until I contacted him. He gave me a cold and callous 'yes, it is' when I asked if it's time to end it. That was it. So much for loving me more and not giving up on us. It was like he turned the switch to the off position. And I was left wondering what the hell just happened. Full throttle to full stop literally over night. No warning. No precipitating event.

 

But it isn't all that complicated. Men really aren't. That last Saturday night, he picked a fight prior to our date and suggested maybe he shouldn't come over, but he did. Nice evening complete with a long massage because his back was sore from a long bike ride in the cold and rain. Then nothing. Couldn't get in the mood which has NEVER happened before. And that Sunday, we didn't see each other, instead he went to a movie with the family, something he hadn't done since last summer. The only thing that makes sense is that after 7 months of just about every Saturday night out (and a lot of Friday nights this year plus Sunday afternoons and at least 1 other night), BS finally said no more if you want to continue this marriage. So he threw me under the bus. I'm 99% sure this is what happened, not that he would be man enough, honest enough, respect me enough to give me the truth. It's the only thing that makes sense. That's the only way you go from full throttle to full stop. You don't just wake up and decide, 'Hey, Kat deserves better so I'm going to agree to end it in the coldest, most callous way possible'. Occam's razor; law of parsimony. He went from wanting to leave to not because I guess in the end, it's too messy and painful. And why leave for the woman who cheat with you when you have the faithful, long suffering wife willing to put up with your shenanigans waiting patiently at home?

 

In the final analysis I love the way he made me feel. I love the man I was with the first 7 months ... the illusion he portrayed. He has shown me who he is time and time again and I finally believe him. He showed disrespect in the end by not being open and honest. He suddenly shut down. And of course he is a proven liar and cheater who is not worthy of being trusted. I deserve better. We all do. He isn't worthy of my love or angst and likely never was. Nonetheless, I hope he is happy because I don't wish ill or harm to anyone. Good luck to them ... they're going to need it.

 

As for me, I am feeling much better today. I have just joined a number of meet up groups and am going to comedy night on Friday and a singles dance on Saturday. I have a Wednesday evening support group meeting I'm starting as well as a meditation group. Do I feel like doing these things? No, not at all but I realize that doing nothing isn't getting me anywhere I want to be so I'm going to fake it til I make it. I've always been a fighter and I'm not going to let someone as undeserving as he is change the essence of who I am, who I've always been.

 

On the job front, I have 3 active opportunities on the go. Maybe I'll get lucky - I could use a bit of that. I sure could use the distraction.

[heartwhole2]

Kat, I know this is a hard time for you. How could it not be? But I see a lot of strength in your post. That makes me happy.

 

You must be right about some kind of DDay or ultimatum on their end. He would not have done something to his disadvantage -- lose the chance to be with you -- if he was not forced to choose. And the way he did it, cruelly, with no explanation. He is indeed a conflict-avoidant coward. It bothered me when my husband did that to the OW. How many BW are asking their husbands to give the OW better closure? Not many, I am sure, but it seems to me that you don't stop being a decent human being just because you got yourself into an indecent situation.

 

The first 7 months he made me feel alive, loved, cherished, respected. I felt like the only woman, not the other woman. That feeling is what I miss. I was his priority and he showed it, choosing me and my needs over the BS time and time again.

 

I'm glad you recognize that you were in love with how you felt, and obviously not the "stellar" person that he is. I'd suggest that in the future, how a person treats the other people in his life should be either a draw or a turn-off. If someone is dishonest and cruel to others, how much do we value their honesty and kindness to us?

 

I'm glad you're putting yourself out there. There are plenty of decent people to spend your time with.

 

Fingers crossed on the job front.

[Aloha123]

Kat, I am quite certain this will ultimately lead to something better for you at some point down the road, and this will all make more sense to you in hindsight.

[Starswillshine]

Kat, I am so happy to hear you taking a risk and putting yourself out there. To start living a life for you. You know, after being married for so long and then being involved with MM, you never did anything alone, you havent even begun to know who you truly are/what you truly like. This will be a big thing for you. And dont get discourage if you do not have a good time at first. None of this is a magic pill. Just one small step in front of the other. And there will be steps back. There always is. Dont ever beat yourself up over them. Just dust yourself back off and keep moving forward.

[SpiceCat]

Well done Kat!

[Naivewomen]

Kat, I am so happy you are picking up your broken pieces. Listen to Kelly Clarkson sing: "Your broken and your beautiful!"

 

Continue your fight and you will be stronger everyday. Smile more!

Edited June 18, 2019 by Naivewomen

[S2B]

I am super happy you're moving in a positive direction!

 

I have a different feeling about what went down that last weekend you saw him.

 

You had been making demands and had expectations that MM didn’t want to meet. So he cooled his jets.

 

After that you kept checking in to see if he had accomplished any of the things on your wish list that he was expected to do.

 

He knew he wasn’t divorcing.

 

My feeling is that he started seeing someone else (a new OW) - one with no demands. That’s why he picked the fight. That’s why he couldn’t perform and that’s why he didn’t have a movie on Sunday with his family - he went to see his OOW. He couldn’t perform with you out of guilt. And that is why he so easily ended it coldly with a curt text - he’s invested in someone new.

 

It makes sense when you look at it - men like him will always fill the vacancy quickly - he’s never going without a secured OW to feed his ego.

[sagamore]

Really proud of you Kat. You’re getting out there and building a support system for yourself. Yes, it’s going to suck for a while but eventually it will suck less. Some of it might even be fun ? Keep posting and processing. It’s going to be a long process with occasional tough weeks like this one. But you’ve shown that you’re a resilient person. You got this!