Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[Lovingme2019]

@scarlet86 was this your MM second marriage? Take advantage of those sessions! I am cheering you on and fingers crossed you get an awesome IC!

 

@LKK I agree that MM likely have multiple A’s because the BS forgives and tries to move forward and MM take advantage vs seeing the forgiveness for the gift it is. I can’t imagine blowing up someone’s world, reassuring them just to do it again. I also agree that you teach others how to treat you. I believe there are a few Mm that have A’s get caught and change their ways and go on to be faithful. Then there are the MM that we seem to have come in contact with, the cake eaters...

 

@starswill shine, I’m glad you got the courage to leave. I imagine that was a very hard decision and scary to follow through. I believe the MM I was involved with had created a situation where BS was very dependent on him, he said she was many times. I hope that the A at least helped her become more independent financially and in other ways so that if he doesn’t change she can leave and not feel like she has no other choice. I think everyone has a breaking point regardless of the circumstances (finances, kids, history) and when you are done you’re done.

[PhoenixRising8]

Welcome to LS, Lovingme2019

 

We never had a DDay that I was made aware although I strongly suspect that was the reason for his very sudden change of heart. We went from full throttle to full stop literally overnight. My suspicion is that after 6 months of his being with me every Friday and Saturday night, Sunday afternoon and at least one night during the week, BS gave him an ultimatum. For 6 months he spent just about every Saturday overnight with me. That only stopped just after his trip to Hawaii in February. He always said that she said nothing about his evenings out. In retrospect I find that hard to believe that any woman would say absolutely nothing to her H when he is out til 11 PM, midnight or all night for more than 6 months. Strains credulity for sure.

 

It has been 10 weeks since I last saw him and 9 weeks since we last spoke. Our last conversation was “I haven’t given up on us … I’ll call you later” to no text or call the next morning as per usual. The a perfunctory “yes it is” when I said it’s time to call a spade a spade. That was all she wrote. He didn’t even have enough regard or respect to have a conversation … it was all done on text.

 

After he backtracked in September, I should have left right then and there to let him figure his $h1t out. It was hard to walk away because I truly loved him. Until September, he was everything that I wanted. Even after, he was kind, supportive and loving. I truly believed he was in the same headspace as I was: that his marriage was over and he was just trying to get things sorted out so that we could be together. So I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I knew how hard it was for me to pull the trigger. But in my gut, after he backtracked, increasingly I started to doubt. And as with my M, I stayed long after the best before date. I should have followed my intuition. I began to wonder if he left, would he stay gone or would he go back the first time someone had a hang nail. In the end, I don’t wonder because he threw me under the bus. So much for “we’re worth fighting for”, ‘you’re the love of my life”, “I can’t see my life without you. It would be excruciating” … yeah right!

 

His last attempt to backtrack was because he needed to make sure that his kids were in a better headspace. I almost choked! Their headspace was all F’ed up because of him! They all had been living on pins and needles as to whether he was staying in the marriage or leaving. When he last suggested end of June may not be feasible and September was more likely, I lost it. That would have been a full year from when separation discussions first started. No wonder they were anxious and unsettled!! Hello?? And truthfully my feelings had started to change after our birthdays in November. When we broke up in February, they diminished more and when we made up in March, it wasn’t what it had been. The spark was not quite as strong and I didn’t trust he would leave, despite his protestations to the contrary. That still didn’t make the end easier.

 

I don’t love him, I love the way we were the first 6-7 months. We were perfect together. It fulfilled the hopeless romantic in me. But it didn’t last forever because it never does, does it. Nonetheless, this has been a terrible 10 weeks because I miss the things we used to do, the way he made me feel. And it’s really hard to move past the addiction of ‘hopium’. I was selfish for the first time in my life. I wasn’t thinking about other people first so I’m paying the price now. And truthfully, I was giving the middle finger to my marriage. It was also my way of proving the marriage was well and truly over because if it hadn’t been, there is no way I could have had an affair. I know that it will be impossible to have the kind of relationship he and I had the first half because it was fantasy, but damned it, it was a very intoxicating one. It’s like everything now is just boring. Affairs really do create the massive highs but when the lows come, there’s nothing quite like them either.

 

I have also struggled to understand how someone so close to me who professed to love me so much could treat me so terribly. I'm parsing all the words and actions in order to understand so that I never make the same mistakes again, never continue to trust someone when I see red flags. I believe he has genuine feelings for me but he is a weak person. He would rather take the path of least resistance because it is more comfortable than doing what he would “prefer” (his words). He thinks he’s doing BS and the kids a favour by not disrupting and wreaking havoc on their lives. But if his marriage is as loveless, lifeless and sexless as he made out (and I do have good reason to believe if it was an exaggeration, it wasn’t much of one), then in the long haul he is doing no one any favours. BS certainly isn’t winning the grand prize but holding on to an H who isn’t into the marriage, but that’s her problem. In truth, the only person he did any favours for was me.

 

It’s been a struggle, but not because I miss him, or want him back. Too much water under the bridge, too little trust or respect left. I’m trying to become “normalized” again. Wean myself off the highs and lows. And I acknowledge that I dodged a bullet. Yes we may have been very compatible and in synch, but he is the type to retreat and avoid conflict. I have no doubt he would have done the same to me. I prefer to deal with things head on. No, I don’t like conflict either. Who does? But sometimes it’s necessary to go through the conflict in order to solve the problem.

 

So I’ve gone to meet up groups and made new friends. I’m doing IC and am part of a support group. I’m starting a new job in a week. I am in a better place than I was in my marriage because I actually feel less alone and no one is playing mind f**k games with me. That said, I am lonelier and life is less fulfilling than it was with xMM. But, I now have the opportunity to find happiness. He has chosen to live an existence. His problem! Onward and upward!

Edited July 15, 2019 by LilKatKat

[Scarlet86]

@lovingme2019 yes! It is his 2nd marriage. He started “love bombing” me at his bachelor party a week before his wedding. The affair started 5 months into their marriage.

[Lovingme2019]

@LKK thanks for the warm welcome I started reading this thread about 4 days ago from the beginning. At some points I thought I wonder if her MM is the same MM in my life lol. So many similarities as I said before. I guess the follow a certain script, if only I’d found this site sooner. My heart broke for you as I read your story. It is so very hard. You are right it takes a long time to “normalize” after the A is over. I know that any future relationship I have won’t compare to aspects of the A however I also know that any future relationship I have won’t be build on lies and deceit. It will be more fulfilling and fingers crossed hope to marry again someday. I never dreamed I’d get a divorce and certainly didn’t dream of becoming the OW.

 

It’s been 9 months since I contacted the BS, and about 10 since I had any contact with MM (aside from the absurd letter he mailed) I’d say it took me 6 months to get to a good place where I felt like I would and could be happy again. Where I didn’t think of him throughout the day. It was torture prior to that and I did a good job of hiding it from everyone but 1 close friend and my IC. The letter he mailed set me back, it was easier for me to picture a coward that was cold and left than to read all those pages of memories and feelings but “ PS I have no choice but to live my life with the devil herself”. For him to have the nerve to play a victim in his M and towards me was more than I could take. It outraged me, I believe he thought I’d feel sorry for him and fall right back into some sort of friendship and eventually another A. Wrong, it made me search her number and reach out almost immediately. She thanked me for reaching out to her and we made our peace with one another (or as much as one can in that situation) I thanked her for her kindness and forgiveness (because she absolutely has no reason to show me any of that what so ever). We exchanged a lot of information that day - timeline of the affair, stories he told her, stories he told me etc etc. some of it was laughable.

 

Unfortunately I feel like part of me will always love who I thought he was despite how it ended and who I actually know him to be. He was kind and loving for 3.5 years (to me anyway) I believe deep down he is a deeply hurting man who has unresolved issues that I hope he will address before he causes more hurt to those he loves (you know what they say hurt people hurt people) I have worked on my “issues” and have grown and become better for it and I will always be thankful to him for that, it’s just taken me a long time to get here and I still have a ways to go. Believe me initially I wanted to rip him to shreds and cause him as much pain as he’d caused me. I realize now that he is living a painful life just not the same pain I had.

 

It sounds like you a on a great path forward, it is a grind and it will be for a while unfortunately but there is a light at the end of the dark and lonely tunnel! I will definitely be staying on here to stay in touch. If I can help in any way I am happy to! This is a great place for all to share. I am thankful to all that come here to share life’s most painful moments. I hope in the future we will be sharing many of life’s happiest moments with each other

[Lovingme2019]

@scarlet86, unbelievable! He sounds like a real piece of work. Why bother getting married...

[Zona]

hope to marry again someday. I never dreamed I’d get a divorce and certainly didn’t dream of becoming the OW.

 

Sorry for the thread jack, but I wanted to respond to your posts (from the perspective of a BS). I noticed that you focused almost 100% on how things affected you and your feelings, and barely a word for how your actions affected your XH, his family and your children (or maybe you don't have any). You slammed your AP as being the kind of dishonest and deceitful person that would have an affair, but you did exactly the same. Even your screen name seems inward focused.

 

The only reason I bring this up is that you mentioned that you want to get married again. Have you ever considered getting I.C. to help you work through how you made these bad choices with an unworthy person? If you want to be a safe person in any future relationships, I think this is a must. Also I think you should be honest with any future relationship prospects so they understand where you are coming from. I.C. has helped my fWW tremendously. Once the I.C. opened up my wife's FOO closet, there were a lot of skeletons in there which she has helped her deal with.

 

End of T/J!

Edited July 15, 2019 by Zona

[Lovingme2019]

@zona I didn’t mention that I was M for 17 years. The last 5 of which my H became an addict (not intentionally but the result was the same) drained bank accounts, constant lying, etc. Rehab, recovery, back in addiction. and repeat. H was a good man before all of that but after years of rehab and counseling for the entire family it became obvious he was enabled to continue by staying in the M. I had made a decision prior to meeting the MM that the M was over and I was preparing myself financially to move beyond. My H at the time was aware of this and we discussed with counselor how to tell the children in the best way possible. It was a terrible thing for us all to have to live through and my A at the very end did not help matters. My H was aware but felt he had pushed me to that place, I told him it that part was all on me. I supposed I’d gotten to a place many BS do in that I could not police H any longer and it had taken its toll on everyone in the family. My xH is remarried and has been clean since we have D. We have a good relationship and our children have adjusted well. Our families knew about us planning to D and were not happy about it but understood and weren’t surprised given the circumstances that had taken place for several years.

 

I didn’t give the history of that because I didn’t feel it would be helpful and I didnt want it to seem like an excuse for my terrible behavior and decisions. I have worked with and IC regarding the issues in my previous M and what led me to think that an A was acceptable. I will have to live with that for the rest of my life and I asked my xH for forgiveness in my part in the mistakes in our M and we have made peace and co-parent very well considering the horrible things we did to each other and our families.

 

I do want to get M again someday and I don’t intend on hiding my past. I also said I get like I needed to not even consider dating for at least a year possibly longer. The hardest person to forgive in all of this is myself, it may not come across in my posts but that is the truth and it’s an ongoing process. I believe everyone deserves love and happiness myself included.

[Beentheretoooften]

@LKK. Do you think that it could have worked out long term? Knowing the %’s of MM that leave for the AP is so low? A few percent make it to 5 years? Also, I’m interested to know, do you think because of the highs of the affair, that you couldn’t get to those highs in a regular relationship? Do you think somebody could make you feel like he did..so consistently too for the entire relationship?

[PhoenixRising8]

That is the million dollar question, isn't it? Even to the very end, when there were lows, and I didn't idealize him the way I did the first half, no one had ever been able to make me laugh the way he did. No one had ever been able to make me feel as special and loved and secure. The moment I saw him, all the anxiety and fears would melt away. To the very end, even when there were issues, or we disagreed, there were no harsh or unkind words spoken, no raised voices. As closed a person as he is, I could always get him to open up to me. We always discussed things maturely and openly. It was the most civil relationship I had encountered. That first half, he was everything I'd ever dreamed of. I adored him. But alas, he had one major character flaw ... conflict avoidance. And that destroyed us in the end.

 

Had I been less selfish and walked away in September, allowing him to figure himself and his marriage out without me in the fray, enabling his bad behaviour, had he come back, single, of his own free will, yes, I believe we would have had a good shot at making it. Because his leaving of his own accord would have demonstrated backbone. Maybe that's just the hopeless romantic dreamer in me. In any case, by holding on, I gave him licence to behave badly to two women. BS did the same. But we both made it easy and comfortable to have his cake and eat it.

 

I couldn't let go because I didn't want to have regrets about "what if" I'd just given him a little more time. I was afraid he would think I had given up on him. Truth is, there wouldn't have been anything to regret because if he ultimately stayed, it was because that's what he wanted to do and I would have spared myself 7 months of angst. I'd be 7 months farther in the healing process. And all my memories would not be tainted by the decreasing trust, respect and anger.

 

Had he left in September when he started to, I think the chances would have been highly diminished because he wouldn't have had time without me to really think about his marriage without conflating the M and the A. He likely would have continued to see saw. And we'd ultimately end up where we are today.

 

In the end, it's all moot, isn't it?

Edited July 15, 2019 by LilKatKat

[Scarlet86]

@LKK I felt like that too. There were months I wanted to walk away so he could “figure it out” but I always felt like he would think my feelings had changed.

 

Everytime he would go back to her after we were discovered the feelings would diminish a little bit and it never felt the same. The last time the spark was definitely gone and we also resented each other a little bit. I could tell the feelings were totally different. So weird how it can change.

[BTDT2012]

LKK, congratulations on the new job.