Never thought I'd be an OW (long post)

[elaine567]

I would like to repeat: every situation is different, but I believe wholeheartedly that almost every D is hard, financially and emotionally, and if it’s not - that’s the exception. I (we all) would be shocked if OP’s MM had acted too hastily .... It would make him look like an immature prick who doesn’t plan ahead, and who decides too spontaneously, someone who’s not dependable and immature with rose-colored glasses on. Not a good choice for a partner.

 

No-one has suggested that the MM move out within a week(ridiculous) or that divorce isn't hard, but the OP has now been 7 and a half weeks of a 7 and a half month relationship in limbo, with him promising to leave and to be with her, and yet nothing essentially has happened, apart from him playing passive aggressive "games" with his wife... That is where the "stringing along" has come from.

Now it seems he will do something about it this week, we will await developments...

[Bittersweetie]

An affair wasn’t the answer but that’s hindsight isn’t it? Yes we lied and cheated and we are now paying the price. It’s not something either of us are going to repeat. Once a cheater always a cheater paints broad strokes over all cheaters. Not everyone who cheats repeats their mistakes. Something to think about.

 

I was a MOW and I agree that not everyone who cheats repeats their mistakes hurtful and selfish choices. However, you are only 7 months into this affair. You both were actively looking for people outside your marriage when you met. You made the choice to look elsewhere instead of addressing the issues of your marriage and yourself. Now, you're like, yeah, we're paying the price, hindsight, etc.

 

I suggest actually looking deeper in order to find out why you decided to seek someone outside your marriage rather than address the issues. Yes, you are divorcing your husband. But if you don't address the underlying issue here, then yes, you may cheat again. Does that make sense?

 

If you end up with this guy, and he starts acting poorly, are you going to cope the same way? How do you know? I'm just trying to say, don't shrug this kind of criticism off so easily...you ARE a cheater (and so am I). So what specific steps, for yourself, are you taking to ensure it does not happen again?

[overtherainbow1]

In most cases separation precedes the actual D. Few people live together while divorce is in progress.

 

I understand separation precedes the D. Sounds kinda funny to type that out!!!

 

But in the case of affairs, it's always (or almost always) a way of wayward spouse to justify their actions while they eat cake and manipulate everyone.

[Amethyst68]

Not to mention this a man who has supposedly already told his wife he is leaving but I'd making no actual move to do so. MM just continues to play head games with his BS.

 

 

 

Quite frankly I'm all for the MM moving out, I think his current behaviour is appalling and the fact he is supposedly doing it to be "kind" just takes the cruelty to a higher level.

[elaine567]

If your husband is indeed a narcissist as you say, then people take a long long time to get over narcissistic abuse, years even.

You can't just monkey branch onto the first guy who shows interest without consequences.

 

Also people who have been the victims of narcissists often end up as victims of another "abuser" as they are often ripe for the picking.

Be careful.

I was married to a narcissist, thanks to several people who knew him, including a surgeon and psychologist.

[brigit87]

I went back to re-read OP.

 

So you both were in such horrible marriages. And instead of divorcing, you both chose to SEEK out an affair. Not a case of knowing someone and falling in love at a vulnerable time. You both actively were online dating. And now... instead of fixing your own personal crap.... you are choosing to move in together after he actually decides to separate from his wife?

 

[] I suggest you get some counseling to fix your own issues.

 

I could understand wanting to have some relief from a bad situation. Nobody knows how HORRIBLE these marriages were maybe they were abusive or just unsatisfying.

 

But meeting on a dating app is bad. Nobody is perfect. I've done some not so wonderful things during my marriage. I guess time will tell if this works out or not.

[S2B]

She could file for adultry and mental cruelty!

 

You realize that right?

 

And why is this a man you want? This IS who he IS!

 

I don't think you're admitting to yourself what a schmuck he really is.

[S2B]

We were both good to our spouses for a very long time. Neither of us are liars by nature which just makes this even more stressful. But thanks for the understanding.

 

An affair wasn’t the answer but that’s hindsight isn’t it? Yes we lied and cheated and we are now paying the price. It’s not something either of us are going to repeat. Once a cheater always a cheater paints broad strokes over all cheaters. Not everyone who cheats repeats their mistakes. Something to think about.

 

You can speak for yourself... but never assume he won't cheat again.

[PhoenixRising8]

I was a MOW and I agree that not everyone who cheats repeats their mistakes hurtful and selfish choices. However, you are only 7 months into this affair. You both were actively looking for people outside your marriage when you met. You made the choice to look elsewhere instead of addressing the issues of your marriage and yourself. Now, you're like, yeah, we're paying the price, hindsight, etc.

 

I suggest actually looking deeper in order to find out why you decided to seek someone outside your marriage rather than address the issues. Yes, you are divorcing your husband. But if you don't address the underlying issue here, then yes, you may cheat again. Does that make sense?

 

If you end up with this guy, and he starts acting poorly, are you going to cope the same way? How do you know? I'm just trying to say, don't shrug this kind of criticism off so easily...you ARE a cheater (and so am I). So what specific steps, for yourself, are you taking to ensure it does not happen again?

 

We both DID try to address the issues in our marriages. I know I certainly did. I knew finally that the marriage was in name only but I didn't have the courage to leave, primarily for financial reasons as I had put my inheritance into our home so he walks off with half of it. When he finally blew our daughter's world up in an effort to get to me, I knew I had no choice but to leave. Before that, I had sunk into an abyss. I was dead inside. I knew I couldn't leave and I thought an affair would help me survive my marriage. It did help, until he threw our daughter under the bus. I know now that finances are not worth my sanity, and I know what the downsides of an affair are, so no, never again.

[PhoenixRising8]

She could file for adultry and mental cruelty!

 

You realize that right?

 

And why is this a man you want? This IS who he IS!

 

I don't think you're admitting to yourself what a schmuck he really is.

 

I'm getting close ...

[PhoenixRising8]

If your husband is indeed a narcissist as you say, then people take a long long time to get over narcissistic abuse, years even.

You can't just monkey branch onto the first guy who shows interest without consequences.

 

Also people who have been the victims of narcissists often end up as victims of another "abuser" as they are often ripe for the picking.

Be careful.

 

I'm pretty resilient and I was in therapy because of my father, also a narcissist. Didn't recognize it in the ex for a while as he only displayed that behaviour sporadically. It got worse as he got older until it was intolerable. But no, not putting up with abuse again. I'm self sufficient and independent. I don't need someone to take care of me. I would like some companionship. MM and are are really good together but this inertia is becoming intolerable. I doubt he will succeed this week, despite his stated best intentions.

[S2B]

You've offered for him to come and live with you.

 

IF he leaves her - that would likely be the worst thing he could do.

 

If he leaves - he needs loads of time alone to process his marriage ending - and to get his head clear about being healthy moving forward.

 

 

IF he leaves - I hope he does weekly therapy for a year so he can offer you a healthy man.

 

 

I think living with you anytime in the next year will hurt you more than it hurts him.

[S2B]

I'm afraid he may very well be manipulating you as much as he's manipulating his wife.

 

Why wouldn't he? He's getting everything he needs right now.

 

 

He's going home every single night to his wife is his choice - he consciously makes that choice each day.

 

 

If he REALLY hated being there he wouldn't do it!

 

Especially when he knows he has your houseas an"option"... yet he hasn't chosen that - it says everything he's not going to tell you.

[BaileyB]

I'm pretty resilient and I was in therapy because of my father, also a narcissist. Didn't recognize it in the ex for a while as he only displayed that behaviour sporadically.

 

Indeed. And now there is a very good chance that your MM is a also narcissist (as most MM - they would almost have to be to feel so entitled to stay with the wife, and have another woman on the side).

 

I would say, be carful because there appears to be a pattern developing here...

[PhoenixRising8]

Last week came and went and now there's another valid reason not to leave just yet. The 27 year old son has had serious health problems since he was 9. He was hospitalized for more than a week this past April. He has been babied and coddled resulting in the most dependant 27 year old I am aware of. He is currently taking a technical course but with his fragile temperament may not succeed if MM leaves at the moment. Not sure why MM didn't think about that when he said he was ready to leave last week, but apparently he didn't. I guess his birthday celebration brought on some more guilt.

 

BS really brought out the heavy artillery for the birthday, right down to inviting the in laws to the celebration. Afterwards, she gave him a card, a two and a half page letter and a gift certificate for a weekend get away for two at a spa, despite the fact he told her he didn't want to go away with her.

 

The day after the birthday, there was an hour or two of guilt with me as we spoke on the phone but when I told him he should go try to make it work, he said no and showed up on my doorstep, with said letter in tow. He wanted me to read it and I did. She wrote about how she knew she wanted to marry him the moment she laid eyes on him, that he is the love of her life and she hopes he will give her the chance to spend the rest of their lives together. She also said how she reminisces about his parents all the time for their wisdom and love that resulted in such a moral, principled man. She talked about how her parents adored him and thought he was one in a million; how her siblings think he does for her and tolerates from her what most men wouldn't. She talks about what an amazing father and role model he is for their kids. She then talks about how she hasn't shown him her love and appreciation for years, hasn't said "I love you" or that he's important to her, that she's neglected him and taken him for granted. The one thing she did not draw attention to was any special moments or memories between the two of them, something I found very odd. In essence, she confirmed everything he's ever said about the state of their marriage in the last 3-5 years. Truthfully, I have not caught him in a lie to date.

 

I asked him why he shared a private letter from his wife with me and he said it's because being honest with me and not keeping any secrets from me was very important to him. When I said he was being dishonest and keeping secrets from her, he acknowledged that was true but that only shows how dead the marriage is. Leaving the marriage is about timing and the son makes the immediate timing not so great. She also asked again if he was having an emotional and/or physical affair which he again denied.

 

I want to believe him and believe in him but it's getting harder as time goes on. He is killing both of us in his attempt to "let her down gently". My January trip will be either the beginning or the end.

Edited November 13, 2018 by LilKatKat

[S2B]

Re read my post #163

 

He's a liar and a jerk.

 

The sooner you look at that evidencethe better off your future will bee...instead of listening to all his future faking - you might be able to move forward and actually have a fun future with a man that's available.

 

This guy is using you AND his wife.

 

He's never leaving her - she's figuring out how to be sure he stays home - which is working for her.

[Amethyst68]

So what happened to NC? Just given up the idea completely?

 

The sheer disrespect of him giving you wife's letter to read was appalling, as was yours to read such a private document! You should have refused. That poor woman....

 

I think you know he's not going to leave on your timetable and you'll still be here bemoaning the fact this time next year!

[elaine567]

OMG that is just genius on his part.

The "dependent" adult son can be used for literally years as an excuse not to leave.

 

The sharing of the letter with you, his "one and only", was to keep you from hitting the roof... Now you feel included, warm and fuzzy... you have a common enemy. Job done.

NO wonder he feels so guilty, she loves the bones of him.

It is typical MM game playing. Did we all think you would have good news to report this week? Um... no...

 

I suggest enough is enough, stop waiting for him right now and by the time January comes around you will be a new refreshed and free woman going on holiday.

[BaileyB]

I can't imagine sharing my thoughts and feelings like that... and then, for my husband to share my words with another woman. That is so disrespectful.

 

As to letting her down gently, there is no such thing when you have shared your life with someone and you have children together.

 

This is brutal.

Edited November 13, 2018 by BaileyB

[PhoenixRising8]

Re read my post #163

 

He's a liar and a jerk.

 

The sooner you look at that evidencethe better off your future will bee...instead of listening to all his future faking - you might be able to move forward and actually have a fun future with a man that's available.

 

This guy is using you AND his wife.

 

He's never leaving her - she's figuring out how to be sure he stays home - which is working for her.

 

You may very well be right ...

[PhoenixRising8]

So what happened to NC? Just given up the idea completely?

 

The sheer disrespect of him giving you wife's letter to read was appalling, as was yours to read such a private document! You should have refused. That poor woman....

 

I think you know he's not going to leave on your timetable and you'll still be here bemoaning the fact this time next year!

 

Based on what I’m seeing on this board, I’m not the first to break NC at first try but thanks for your kind words and support. And no, I won’t be here a year from now bemoaning my fate but again thanks for your concern.

 

As for being given the letter to read and reading it, I guess I didn’t stop to think about it in the moment. I was more thinking he wanted to be open and honest which is why he was sharing. I guess some of us make imperfect decisions while some of us always make the right choices. Maybe being an OW, and never having been a BS results in this type of imperfection. But I reiterate, thanks for your words of encouragement.

[PhoenixRising8]

I can't imagine sharing my thoughts and feelings like that... and then, for my husband to share my words with another woman. That is so disrespectful.

 

As to letting her down gently, there is no such thing when you have shared your life with someone and you have children together.

 

This is brutal.

 

I agree he shouldn’t have shared and I shouldn’t have read but it’s done. And no, there is no way to let someone down gently. Ive also said that to him.

[Starswillshine]

Based on what I’m seeing on this board, I’m not the first to break NC at first try but thanks for your kind words and support. And no, I won’t be here a year from now bemoaning my fate but again thanks for your concern.

 

As for being given the letter to read and reading it, I guess I didn’t stop to think about it in the moment. I was more thinking he wanted to be open and honest which is why he was sharing. I guess some of us make imperfect decisions while some of us always make the right choices. Maybe being an OW, and never having been a BS results in this type of imperfection. But I reiterate, thanks for your words of encouragement.

 

The only thing this letter proves is that his wife absolutely loves him and he has been doing a lot of blame shifting to make her feel she is an awful wife to assuage his own guilt. Guess what this gets him? A wife kissing his rear and an OW hoping he picks her. He is in heaven now. The perfect scenario for him.

 

When will you wake up and see this tool for what he is?

[S2B]

Based on what I’m seeing on this board, I’m not the first to break NC at first try but thanks for your kind words and support. And no, I won’t be here a year from now bemoaning my fate but again thanks for your concern.

 

As for being given the letter to read and reading it, I guess I didn’t stop to think about it in the moment. I was more thinking he wanted to be open and honest which is why he was sharing. I guess some of us make imperfect decisions while some of us always make the right choices. Maybe being an OW, and never having been a BS results in this type of imperfection. But I reiterate, thanks for your words of encouragement.

 

The disrespect in having YOU read HER letter is disgusting!

 

 

He just keeps stopping to lower and lower levels of disrespect!

 

He's shown you how dispicable he is... you want that kind of man?

 

Gross!!!!

[BaileyB]

The only thing this letter proves is that his wife absolutely loves him and he has been doing a lot of blame shifting to make her feel she is an awful wife to assuage his own guilt.

 

Indeed. This guy knows how to play both sides - he plays both women very well.

Edited November 13, 2018 by BaileyB