Is this a thing? Expecting people to just drop what they're doing?

[Zapbasket]

I keep running to this problem of acquaintances--not even friends--asking me to do things at the last second, even during the week. On Tuesday, someone I have met ONCE at a training back in February and kept up with on Facebook had driven the 60-75 miles to my area for some quick business and texted me: "I'm in [town 20 miles from where I live]; call me!" I actually was out of town, four hours away that day, but if I'd been there I'd have been at work and couldn't see her. Then she texted me tonight: "You'd better be in town next time I'm there!" As though I'd be able to just drop whatever I'm doing when she shows up unannounced.

 

Then this other acquaintance keeps calling me in the mornings, also during the week, to see if I want to go hiking. She never leaves a message. I have told her twice now that first of all, I work during the week, and second of all, I tend to make my plans at least the day before, especially if I'm hiking, where I need to get gear together, etc.

 

It really annoys me no end and I just don't get what's going on in their minds. If they were close friends, I'd understand and I've done the spontaneous in-the-moment invite with close friends before. But I'd never do that with acquaintances. I think it's really rude, especially when afterward they act miffed that I wasn't at their beck and call. It may be well meaning, but it FEELS like I'm considered at the last minute, and they assume I have nothing better to do.

 

To the second woman I've even said, "I generally prefer to plan my time; by the morning of any given day I usually have my plans, obligations, etc. pretty much laid out for the day and even for the next several days." It just went, WHOOSH, in one ear and out the other.

 

I'm moving from where I live soon, but I wonder if this is a ubiquitous thing? What are your experiences?

[d0nnivain]

It seems like everything is instantaneous any more & some people can't make plans. So yeah, it is kind of a thing.

 

My rule is that I try to plan. I reach out to people I want to see & plan.

 

However, I have a really unpredictable job / schedule so I often find myself near a friend / acquaintance with time to spare so I will occasionally reach out to see if somebody wants to have lunch / grab a drink. I only do that to people who understand my crazy schedule. For example DH & I work about 35 miles apart but sometimes, 3-4x per year, I will find myself near his office at lunch time. If I think that's a possibility I try to give him at least 1 hour's notice but I can't give him a time until right then. So I send a text saying I might be around. Then I write is now good? If yes, we meet. If no, I eat alone. The key is not to get mad about the ask or the rejection. If it's really important it will be planned.

[Zapbasket]

It seems like everything is instantaneous any more & some people can't make plans. So yeah, it is kind of a thing.

 

My rule is that I try to plan. I reach out to people I want to see & plan.

 

However, I have a really unpredictable job / schedule so I often find myself near a friend / acquaintance with time to spare so I will occasionally reach out to see if somebody wants to have lunch / grab a drink. I only do that to people who understand my crazy schedule. For example DH & I work about 35 miles apart but sometimes, 3-4x per year, I will find myself near his office at lunch time. If I think that's a possibility I try to give him at least 1 hour's notice but I can't give him a time until right then. So I send a text saying I might be around. Then I write is now good? If yes, we meet. If no, I eat alone. The key is not to get mad about the ask or the rejection. If it's really important it will be planned.

 

Yeah, this kind of attitude and spontaneity I don't mind at all and I do it, too--if I'm busy but end up in someone's vicinity I might call or text and say, "Hey, I know it's last minute, but I unexpectedly ended up near you and just wanted to see if you might be able to meet for a quick bite or walk or coffee. No worries if not."

 

But I don't understand people then acting miffed that I wasn't able to drop everything to meet them when they ask, even during the work week. That just baffles me, and seems awfully entitled. Especially when these aren't friends, but more acquaintances, who shouldn't be presuming they know what's up in my life or schedule, just as I'd not presume with them.

 

I do feel, too, that yes, "if it's really important it will be planned." Meaning if I do cross someone's mind as someone they really want to get to know, then am I wrong to expect that at some point they'll actually try to make a plan with me in advance? Even a day in advance. Something. Otherwise, yes, I feel annnoyed because I feel like I'm just an afterthought--especially when I see these same people making plans with others.

[carhill]

OP, it's not personal. Humans are naturally selfish. They'll take whatever they can get. Sometimes it's gussied up in social niceties, sometime not. That can be your time, your energy/labor, your love, your stuff, whatever.

 

On the planning thing, I handled it by doing whatever I wanted, when I wanted and always had a plan B. I had to learn to piss people off by being more selfish, prior being too unselfish and accommodating. Now it's sport. Don't need humans anymore, it's kinda fun playing with them. Especially the ego maniacal ones. Billions of them around. The way it works with them is if your hole is dry, they just move on to a more productive hole. As a human you don't really matter. What you can do/be for them is the game. Yup, it's a thing.

 

Oh, also, be mindful of the emotional reaction social hack. Social manipulators are expert at that stuff. They'll go fishing to get a rise out of you. Costs them nothing. It's entertainment. Weaponized intellect toying with people. See it a lot.

 

When you get a whiff of this kind of dichotomy/manipulation/selfishness, don't hesitate. Erase them. Black hole. Real friends won't be on that radar. Sure, everyone has their ups and downs and no one is perfect but a real friend won't inspire an accounting session. Problems do.

[preraph]

I've been guilty of it to some extent myself in the past, but wouldn't do it now. But the "visiting town" thing, you always get the visitor assuming you will find time for him/her since they are only there once in a blue moon. The thing about that is, though, would it hurt to drop a text the week before?? I used to write letters or call and let people know, and even then it sometimes messed with their schedules. Certainly, you wouldn't take off work for an acquaintance. You just need to tell that woman who said you better be there the next time that if she wants to see you, she better come at a time you're not at work and give you a week's notice to clear your schedule.

[Zapbasket]

OP, it's not personal. Humans are naturally selfish. They'll take whatever they can get. Sometimes it's gussied up in social niceties, sometime not. That can be your time, your energy/labor, your love, your stuff, whatever.

 

Yeah. I've had a solid decade at least now of pie-in-my-face life lessons pointing to that. Which is why for the past several years I've been engrossed in my own personal Building Better Boundaries Boot Camp .

 

And like you, as part of that I've become an expert in spending most of my time alone, and actually enjoying it for the most part. I think I'm great company! And I don't want company unless I can be treated with respect. I used to have people want a piece of me because I'm "entertaining." And I felt it and always performed the part. And now I refuse to do it if I catch even a WHIFF that the reason I'm invited along is because of my entertainment value.

 

But while I have had a large share of mainly disappointment in other human beings in the past 5-10 years particularly, I still hold out hope that there are people out there who are more altruistic, who don't only keep someone around or dismiss them based on what they can "get" out of them, and who were raised with some basic manners and hospitality, enough to try at least occasionally to make plans because they respect others' time.

 

No?

 

Oh, also, be mindful of the emotional reaction social hack. Social manipulators are expert at that stuff. They'll go fishing to get a rise out of you. Costs them nothing. It's entertainment. Weaponized intellect toying with people. See it a lot.

 

When you get a whiff of this kind of dichotomy/manipulation/selfishness, don't hesitate. Erase them. Black hole. Real friends won't be on that radar. Sure, everyone has their ups and downs and no one is perfect but a real friend won't inspire an accounting session. Problems do.

 

Yeah, my mom is one of those people. She loves to pull the emotional rug out from under me just when I feel like I can trust her with some of my more vulnerable feelings. It really sucks because she's my mom, so I want to be able to talk with her, but then I'm always feeling betrayed, confused and hurt.

 

Really I'm just exhausted. I'm just praying that once I move from where I live, I might meet one person who makes my heart smile. One quality person. That's all I really want at this point, because I know it's so powerful when you have someone like that in your life that good things can't help but ensue: you meet MORE quality people, opportunities come knocking, good feelings just keep multiplying and more things become possible. I am so, so hungry for that, even though I'm not religious I find myself praying for it every day.

[Zapbasket]

I've been guilty of it to some extent myself in the past, but wouldn't do it now. But the "visiting town" thing, you always get the visitor assuming you will find time for him/her since they are only there once in a blue moon. The thing about that is, though, would it hurt to drop a text the week before?? I used to write letters or call and let people know, and even then it sometimes messed with their schedules. Certainly, you wouldn't take off work for an acquaintance. You just need to tell that woman who said you better be there the next time that if she wants to see you, she better come at a time you're not at work and give you a week's notice to clear your schedule.

 

Re: esp. the bolded, exactly! Especially if you're going to be hurt when I can't drop what I'm doing (working) and spend the time with you. If it's a priority to see me, then even saying, "Hey, sometime next week my work might send me to your vicinity. I won't know exactly when, but can I shoot you a message when I'm on my way and see if we could figure out a time to meet up? Would be great to see you!," I would so appreciate.

 

I really feel like I should write a book about how social media has made all of us forget our basic manners. I know at times I'm more careless than I want to be, and I just feel like we're living in a world where everyone's in it for themselves and no one even gives a damn about connection anymore. Being able to scroll through the most recent posts on your FB timeline is about as much "connection" as people seem to want anymore.

[Whodatdog]

I do it all the time. Ill call someone on short notice if I feel like stopping somewhere for lunch, and ask them if they want to join me. If they do, great! If they dont, or can't, well, thats fine too. I dont see where anyone is getting miffed or upset because they can't join. Its a last minute invite, its not world peace.

 

People have busy lives. Dont take things so personally.