What's holding me back from leaving!?

[mcarter789]

So I want to leave my wife. We have had two relationship talks in the last year and we each say that we will work on everything that's wrong which in most ways we have. I just don't feel the same about her anymore. I have slowly realized over the last year or two that we are two totally different people. We rushed into moving in with eachother and rushed in to getting married. Been together for 5 years now. Two kids are involved which I will always be there for. We hardly talk to eachother and when we do it's always short and to the point. I know this isn't the best environment for kids to grow up in because they learn and feed off of it. Why is it so hard to look at her and tell her I just want to end it? I know I want to leave I've looked in to it and researched child support and divorce costs among other things. Is it because I don't want to deal with her emotions of it, is it because of the kids or is it because I'm afraid how I am going to survive paying for two households. I am tired of going through the notions of wanting to leave. I have a friend (male) who will let me live with him so a place to go isn't holding me back.

[Mr. Lucky]

Been together for 5 years now. Two kids are involved which I will always be there for.

 

With kids involved, don't you think an honest effort is warranted to fix the problems in your marriage?

 

Your post implies your wife doesn't make you happy but doesn't address your own responsibility to add something to the relationship.

 

What have YOU done to improve things?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Jane1212]

So I want to leave my wife. We have had two relationship talks in the last year and we each say that we will work on everything that's wrong which in most ways we have. I just don't feel the same about her anymore. I have slowly realized over the last year or two that we are two totally different people. We rushed into moving in with eachother and rushed in to getting married. Been together for 5 years now. Two kids are involved which I will always be there for. We hardly talk to eachother and when we do it's always short and to the point. I know this isn't the best environment for kids to grow up in because they learn and feed off of it. Why is it so hard to look at her and tell her I just want to end it? I know I want to leave I've looked in to it and researched child support and divorce costs among other things. Is it because I don't want to deal with her emotions of it, is it because of the kids or is it because I'm afraid how I am going to survive paying for two households. I am tired of going through the notions of wanting to leave. I have a friend (male) who will let me live with him so a place to go isn't holding me back.

 

I’m in a similar situation, no kids involved though. I think what’s holding me back is very strong attachment and family love for him. When I look at my husband I feel enormous love for him as my family, but not romantically. I also know he really loves me and if I leave it will break his heart. I feel guilty for not loving him like a man. We get along very well and we are best friends, but there is hardly any romantic or sexual attraction on my part. You might be in a similar situation. Also when kids are involved it’s even more complex. If I had kids with my husband I probably wouldn’t be able to leave. I would just feel too guilty.

[Simple Logic]

So I want to leave my wife. We have had two relationship talks in the last year and we each say that we will work on everything that's wrong which in most ways we have. I just don't feel the same about her anymore. I have slowly realized over the last year or two that we are two totally different people. We rushed into moving in with eachother and rushed in to getting married. Been together for 5 years now. Two kids are involved which I will always be there for. We hardly talk to eachother and when we do it's always short and to the point. I know this isn't the best environment for kids to grow up in because they learn and feed off of it. Why is it so hard to look at her and tell her I just want to end it? I know I want to leave I've looked in to it and researched child support and divorce costs among other things. Is it because I don't want to deal with her emotions of it, is it because of the kids or is it because I'm afraid how I am going to survive paying for two households. I am tired of going through the notions of wanting to leave. I have a friend (male) who will let me live with him so a place to go isn't holding me back.

 

In a word, change. People do not like change and even though you have evaluated the details, you know there is always the unknowns.

[hippychick3]

So I want to leave my wife. We have had two relationship talks in the last year and we each say that we will work on everything that's wrong which in most ways we have. I just don't feel the same about her anymore. I have slowly realized over the last year or two that we are two totally different people. We rushed into moving in with eachother and rushed in to getting married. Been together for 5 years now. Two kids are involved which I will always be there for. We hardly talk to eachother and when we do it's always short and to the point. I know this isn't the best environment for kids to grow up in because they learn and feed off of it. Why is it so hard to look at her and tell her I just want to end it? I know I want to leave I've looked in to it and researched child support and divorce costs among other things. Is it because I don't want to deal with her emotions of it, is it because of the kids or is it because I'm afraid how I am going to survive paying for two households. I am tired of going through the notions of wanting to leave. I have a friend (male) who will let me live with him so a place to go isn't holding me back.

 

Is there another woman?

[mcarter789]

Is there another woman?

 

No there is not another woman. Not that type of guy. Faithful till the end even tho sexually the relationship hasn't been there for more than a year either.

[mcarter789]

I’m in a similar situation, no kids involved though. I think what’s holding me back is very strong attachment and family love for him. When I look at my husband I feel enormous love for him as my family, but not romantically. I also know he really loves me and if I leave it will break his heart. I feel guilty for not loving him like a man. We get along very well and we are best friends, but there is hardly any romantic or sexual attraction on my part. You might be in a similar situation. Also when kids are involved it’s even more complex. If I had kids with my husband I probably wouldn’t be able to leave. I would just feel too guilty.

 

I don't know if it's really the love that keeps me. Things we both do seems to annoy eachother. I'm picking up on habits she does that turns me away from her and I'm sure it's vise verca. I know she is together for the love as she has told me that before. There is a lot more stuff going on within the relationship that is making it crack as well. Things that at the core break relationships and we have both voiced them. Things are good for a couple weeks or months then slowly revert to how they were. I just know that we both should be happy but I can't get over having the talk.

[Jane1212]

I don't know if it's really the love that keeps me. Things we both do seems to annoy eachother. I'm picking up on habits she does that turns me away from her and I'm sure it's vise verca. I know she is together for the love as she has told me that before. There is a lot more stuff going on within the relationship that is making it crack as well. Things that at the core break relationships and we have both voiced them. Things are good for a couple weeks or months then slowly revert to how they were. I just know that we both should be happy but I can't get over having the talk.

 

What are top 5 things that annoy you about your wife? Also maybe there is no romantic love but there are still might be love for her as your family member. She is your family after all, it’s different kind of love, but still love.

[Marc878]

If you could find a decent marriage councilor that maybe an option but there are a lot of bad ones so research and pick carefully.

[mcarter789]

What are top 5 things that annoy you about your wife? Also maybe there is no romantic love but there are still might be love for her as your family member. She is your family after all, it’s different kind of love, but still love.

 

1. Her laziness. I don't want to sound like the typical guy here either but she hasn't had a job in almost 2 years. I have been working 64-72 hours a week to make ends meet and still have to come home and do 90% of the household duties. Yes she does some things and takes care of kids as well and I appreciate her for that but I feel she can do a little more. I have discussed this with her. Things get better, as I've mentioned before, then fall back to the old ways.

2. She always complains that we don't have money for anything, yet she buys herself things. Most recently a $600 laptop. When I want to buy something it's an argument that makes me feel bad about spending money so I end up not doing it.

3. I cannot have friends male or female. In her eyes the relationship is about us and only us. I do not find this as being normal people need to have friends and be able to do things outside of a relationship. Nobody else can be involved. She even gets jealous and or mad that I talk to my own family members.

4. She let's her family put thoughts in her head. An example is I have a 6 pack of beer over a weekend and her mom puts it in her head that I'm an alcoholic. So now I feel like I can't enjoy myself because her and her family might think something.

5. When I cook food I cook for everyone her and the kids. When she cooks something it's for her and the kids only. This may seem trivial but I feel like it's bugging me more and more. Her reasoning is she is to busy to cook extra things. Beyond me but whatever.

 

I don't know these would probably go under annoyances/ main issues I have with her but every one of these has been talked about and discussed to mostly no avail.

[GinON]

None of that sounds normal, she needs help!

 

You are, as you mentioned, teaching your kids to be taken advantage of. If you are working that many hours and doing all the chores, not allowed to have friends?

 

You are being railroaded and I gotta ask, where is your self respect?

 

No need to be angry or mean to her, you are as responsible for this situation as she is. If you want to fix it, be a gentleman and keep your cool while addressing the problems.

[mcarter789]

None of that sounds normal, she needs help!

 

You are, as you mentioned, teaching your kids to be taken advantage of. If you are working that many hours and doing all the chores, not allowed to have friends?

 

You are being railroaded and I gotta ask, where is your self respect?

 

No need to be angry or mean to her, you are as responsible for this situation as she is. If you want to fix it, be a gentleman and keep your cool while addressing the problems.

 

I am a very passive person when it comes confrontation which is something that I need to work on. So I'm pretty sure she sees that and takes advantage of it. Yes most of the chores. This weekend I have done all laundry, swept, mopped, dishes, cleaned kitchen, cleaned bathrooms, and done yard work and cooked every meal. All while she has been lazy. I have tried the let it get dirty till she does something tactic and that backfired and made a bigger mess for me to clean lol. I have had to get rid of my circle of friends for the most part. I have one or 2 that I text occasionally but as far as hanging out goes that's out of the question.

[FMW]

Divorce is nothing to jump into without serious thought and consideration so there's nothing wrong with being hesitant to make that jump. However, it seems you've felt it was over for some time now.

 

So as to what is holding you back, as others have posted, change is hard, facing the unknown is scary. Divorce, even for those who are as sure they can be that they want it, changes everything and it takes a while to feel stable and secure again.

 

I think the hesitation is normal and even healthy, but it seems you are at a point now where a decision has to be made. Staying in limbo will NOT be healthy. Either go to MC (if there's any chance at all it might change things) or sit her down, one and one and privately, and tell her it's time to end the marriage.

 

The turning point came for me when I asked myself if I wanted the rest of my life to be the way it was after realizing there was no way to "fix" what was wrong with my marriage.

[Jane1212]

1. Her laziness. I don't want to sound like the typical guy here either but she hasn't had a job in almost 2 years. I have been working 64-72 hours a week to make ends meet and still have to come home and do 90% of the household duties. Yes she does some things and takes care of kids as well and I appreciate her for that but I feel she can do a little more. I have discussed this with her. Things get better, as I've mentioned before, then fall back to the old ways.

2. She always complains that we don't have money for anything, yet she buys herself things. Most recently a $600 laptop. When I want to buy something it's an argument that makes me feel bad about spending money so I end up not doing it.

3. I cannot have friends male or female. In her eyes the relationship is about us and only us. I do not find this as being normal people need to have friends and be able to do things outside of a relationship. Nobody else can be involved. She even gets jealous and or mad that I talk to my own family members.

4. She let's her family put thoughts in her head. An example is I have a 6 pack of beer over a weekend and her mom puts it in her head that I'm an alcoholic. So now I feel like I can't enjoy myself because her and her family might think something.

5. When I cook food I cook for everyone her and the kids. When she cooks something it's for her and the kids only. This may seem trivial but I feel like it's bugging me more and more. Her reasoning is she is to busy to cook extra things. Beyond me but whatever.

 

I don't know these would probably go under annoyances/ main issues I have with her but every one of these has been talked about and discussed to mostly no avail.

 

I’m sorry to hear that. I think you should tell her that and give her 1 more chance to change. Real change not temporary. Explain to her that if the change doesn’t happen then your marriage is over. She might have some dissatisfaction with you too. So make sure you ask her if there is something she needs. Make an agreement, if she doesn’t follow then file for divorce.