Confused what's going on here with this coworker?

[SweetMisery]

Hi,

 

I am fairly new to the working scene and I was just curious about some interactions I've been having with a co-worker.

 

 

Okay so I can't believe I am going to post about this but here it goes. Wyldfire I could especially use your input.

 

Here is my delima. Okay so I have been working in a law office for about a year now and we're fairly small around 12 employees. We all get along really well, but there are about 3 coworkers I really click with. So anyway there is one guy an attorney who is 30 and he and I are the closest in age. He is someone that I have grown to respect and go to for advice, knowledge etc. He knows the law and ever since I have been there he has been very open to my picking his brain to learn more about the field. Over time we have gotten comfortable with teasing each other. The general office environment is like this. We all love to tease. Anyway, I guess because we are close in age I feel I can relate to him the most.

 

He usually teases me about me being a plant killer ( I have killed three plants while working there) to my desire to get married. He says I have to learn to cook to find a husband. He is the opposite the thought of marriage or kids absolutely frightens him and I have teased him about it as well. Our teasing is always really good natured and from time to time I have seen our coworkers take notice of how we get in the moment of teasing each other. For me this has always been in fun bc he has a gf and he would never want marriage which I do.

 

However, there are a lot of things I do like about him. His drive, how he seems balanced--doesn't get hot headed, how he has respect for me and looks out for me. He will apologize when he realizes he has cursed in front of me to him telling me I need to slow down and take time off of work before I get burned out. We seemed to be building a friendship.

 

Recently I pulled the best prank on him. It was probably around a month ago, when he came and asked if we had a flash light bc a mouse was in his office. I didn't immediately run to his rescue but when I did I found that he was in another office all together. So naturally I teased him about being afraid of a rodent and he said that he just didn't want it crawling under his feet. So finally I go with him to search for the mouse in his office. I bent down to look near a bookcase and it came running out and I screamed and he jumped which I almost expected him to land on his desk. So he was like now do you believe me. The very next day my boss has managed to catch the tiny field mouse in a trash can so while my coworker is gone to lunch I sneak the trash can in under his desk. It takes him about half an hour to realize it but he calls me out on it and he's smiling promising revenge. See whenever we interact his eyes always get big and he starts smiling almost as wide and its just interesting.

 

Well, last week the boss sends out an announcement saying that this coworker has decided to go into private practice which through prior discussions with him I knew this was something he wanted to do I just didn't expect it to be so soon. Boss sent out this really great tribute to coworker though and joked about ways we could get him to stay and how he will be irreplaceable ect.

 

So it's now been a week and this coworker and I have barely spoken except on matters of work. I haven't really reacted to his leaving yet. Because I absolutely don't know what to say. But I find myself wanting to go speak to him in his office only to get halfway there to his door and stop bc he looks busy where as before I had no problem checking in with him. Tuesday, I was leaving work and the coworker was talking to the boss inside but came outside on the sidewalk as I was getting ready to walk to my car. Boss was still inside and coworker seemed to be looking for something and when I thought he saw me he didn't say goodbye. Boss said something and he responded and went back inside. I was perplexed why he was outside bc he didnt take a smoke break. Then this morning he was walking out of my office and I walked in and we walked right past each other and not a word. Then before lunch I walked through his office and asked how it was going and he said fine and that was it. Then something strange happened. Then this afternoon he had left to go do jail visits and about 15 minutes later he walked back in the office and he was like Dreamy could you check on the computer for a file for me if you aren't too busy?

 

He emphasized how he didn't want to interrupt me and so we walk in my office and he starts jabbering about this file. He mentions how he saw there was a probation violation and how it didn't appear to have been opened as a seperate file. I look it up in the system and sure enough hes right and I sit down at the computer check and he gets right up near the screen over my shoulder to look too. We both wear glasses.

 

Anyway so he asks me if I can set up the file and I say sure no problem do you need it before you go to the jail and he was like no. So guys if he didn't need the file for a client in jail why did he not just go to the jails and then come in tomorrow and tell me? Seems a little strange to me. Is it all in my head or are yall picking up some weird vibes too?

 

I really don't want things to be awkward between us. He's not leaving for another month or so, so I want things to sort of go back to normal between us. He's been cutting up with everyone else in the office except me this week. I know hes tying up loose ends with his cases but why is he teasing everyone else but me now? Oh last week he came in my office and asked me to look uo another case and he came face to face with an instant message with a guy I briefly semi-hooked up with. I think the guy left a message about being horny or something. Maybe that has something to do with it? Maybe it's just all in my head.

 

 

Edit- It's in my head I think.

 

And apparently it was all in my head with this guy. I was the one making it wierd. I know I have written a book here but this guy's behavior is confusing and while I know there is no chance of us ever dating in the future I am still curious about his interactions with me.

 

For instance today I was determined to let things go back to normal with talking and teasing and trust me I told myself I wasn't going to allow myself another day of feeling awkward. I focused on completing my work though. When I got caught up with my work, I started to work on a cover letter that I promised my mother I would work on for her so it would be ready to be sent out with a resume.

 

Well, after I finished editing the cover letter I printed it out and went to the copier to retrieve it. The coworker was talking to the secretary about something and the coworker saw me and grabbed my print out and smiles and goes Oh dreamy what's this? and starts to read it. I said don't worry it's not my resume not planning on leaving yet and he's like who's is it and I explain and then he hands it to me and I walk back to my office.

 

Then I start working on something else and several minutes later I am absorbed and don't even realize he's standing beside my chair and he starts asking me questions about why I am doing a cover letter for my mom and then we chatted for a few minutes and he walks out and then I decided to ask him about his own venture.

 

I could tell he was excited so he told me all about it and then asked me a few questions about what he would need to do to get his own website.

 

Then we talk a little more and time passes and then he tells me hes going to get a hair cut so I ask him if hes going to do something different and he looks at me and shakes his bangs in his face and the fall in his face and he says don't you think I need one I was like yeah you do and so he leaves. I know all this doesn't matter but I am really curious about this guy's behavior. I mean sometimes he doesnt look at me and keeps his head down buried in a file but when we are talking more personally he looks at me directly and he smiles or laughs etc.

 

But the thing that perplexes me most is why when he comes in my office he stands right next to me. My desk is turned on an opposite wall from the door so the back of my chair is facing the door way, and then when he wants me to check something on the computer he peers over my shoulder. But when we are in a room other than my office we stand facing each other. I was just kind of taken by surprise that he came in my office to talk to me about why I was working on my moms resume and I had no idea he was there until he started talking. It kind of made me jump.

 

I think he was looking for a reason to come talk to me today.

 

 

What do you think? I have other examples as well that stick out in my mind.

[morrigan]

Our teasing is always really good natured and from time to time I have seen our coworkers take notice of how we get in the moment of teasing each other.

 

Your co-worker probably decided to tone down your friendship for several reasons. He may have felt his teasing and joking with you was turning into a crush (whether on his side or he felt is was on yours). It can possibly affect how your co-workers (and your boss) perceive you and your job performance.

 

last week the boss sends out an announcement saying that this coworker has decided to go into private practice which through prior discussions with him I knew this was something he wanted to do I just didn't expect it to be so soon.

 

He may have decided to do this months ago and wasn't telling anyone until he told the boss. At this point, just chat with him and wish him the best in his new practice.

[SweetMisery]

Well apparently him treating me different was in my head because since then he picked back up with the teasing. Surprisingly, I didn't allow our interactions to interfere with my work so that's a good thing. Friday was his last day and we had a small reception for him and invited people that we deal with on a daily basis. There was a good turn out.

 

Before the reception, he and I just sort of talked in his office and he shared a story about one of his first big cases at the office. Then I asked him how the process of getting his new office was going, he's planning on opening it up on Halloween. Then he showed me where to find things in his office and on his computer so I can assist the new attorney.

 

At the reception I gave him a plant for his office because he teased me relentlessly about how 3 plants that I have brought in to keep on my desk have died. So now I am the plant killer. When I gave him the plant I said Well, I think it's about time you learned the responsibility behind caring for a plant. He smiled and laughed. He then told me that he wanted proof that my plant was still alive so to include pictures in my emails to him.

 

 

After the reception, I helped clean up and then we both headed back to the office, by this time everyone was leaving to go home so it just left he and I and the boss. So I went back to his office with the intent of saying good bye and wishing him well but we started talking about something else. So then he was getting ready to leave and I let him tell the boss good bye and I went to my office to get some paperwork I needed and when they both came to my office. My coworker was like well give me a hug, SM.

 

So I did and then I said well you better take care of that plant because if it dies I will be disappointed and he got cocky and laughed and said it won't, and I said care to bet and he said yeah, but let's make it interesting. I asked how and he was like well let's say whoever's plant dies has to treat the other person to lunch.

 

I was just kind of like say what??? because I thought we were messing around, but I could somehow tell that he was open to us meeting for lunch some time. So I said deal, but the loser has to drive to meet the winner and he agreed. As we got into our cars, he told me to be careful heading home and said if I needed anything to call and I said Well, I'll probably email to check in and he was like you do that and I said well I hope you don't regret saying that and he said I won't.

 

Now needless to say we are both going to be pretty busy me with a technology project and him getting his practice going, but the thought of us meeting up in the future is a nice gesture. One that I hadn't expected. at least. But who knows when and if it will happen. But at least I know that it's something he wants to do.

What do you all think?

[elijahBailey]

I think you're crushin' on him big time No, I not being sarcastic, but I'm just sayin', you know...... because you seem to be a walking video recorder recording all and any of his nuances But hey, I don't think there's anything wrong with that since the both of you aren't married.

 

I guess it would be awesome for you to know that he likes you the very same way that you like him. And he might very well like you .... but based on the information you gave, it's pretty hard to tell. My guess is that he's got feelings for you but he's got his head screwed in pretty well in the right place; so credit to him.

 

Do you feel a pang of sadness or even feel a void at his departure?

 

If he's not in a committed relationship, would your the sadness at his departure be more acute?

[SweetMisery]

Thanks for your reply Elijah. I have discovered over the course of time that I have developed a crush on him. But that does bother me a little because he does have a gf and I have always tried to respect those relationship boundaries. However, over the course of my time there a year it got just a little more difficult to not interact with him. I realize at times I could have been "flirting" with him, but he's always been playful with me and it seems like we have mutual respect of each other.

 

One day I went to watch him in action during a trial for case he was handling. Stayed all day and I was fascinated by the court room experience and procedures. While the jury was debating he would come up to me and ask what I thought the jury was thinking and what kind of questions he thought they were thinking of during deliberations. After watching him defend his client, I knew that it would only be a matter of time before he left the office to start his own practice.

 

But it is still difficult to tell with him whether he wants to be friends or has a crush on me too. He has a gf that he goes on vacations with and stuff but they haven't moved in together and he has told me he doesn't want her to move in nor does he want to get married. However, I know that he also visits her parents occassionally. And she comes up in conversations from time to time with other coworkers. So I would be okay with the opprotunity to continue to develop a friendship with him.

 

Yet I wonder if his actions have crossed any boundaries or if he's just being overly friendly.

 

 

Oh yes and I did feel sad when we said good bye and I am sure I will miss having him around, but this is a great opprotunity for him.

[elijahBailey]

yeah, I dig everything that you're saying here.

 

What's in his head is everybody's guess, but you might be interested to know that the way he behaves .... well.... I find a LOT of similarities between him and I. I'm committed and it would take something major for me to want out of my relationship.

 

When I find myself in a situation where I have feelings (that are more than friendship) for another girl, the things that I find myself doing are pretty similar to the things that he does.

 

Placed in his situation, my human instinct is to not want you to get away; and I would also do things to pique your interest but only to the point that it doesn't get out of hand. I wouldn't want anyone to declared their feelings; what I want is that things remain within the boundaries of body language/actions instead of being put into words. I feel the security in that because, once things are uttered into words, I'd have to deal with the reality of the situation, which isn't what I want. It's all pretty subtle, but I think you understand what I'm driving at.

 

I would be honest in that it's got all the elements of selfishness and being self-centered. But most people yearn to be desired even if they do not want to pursue a relationship with the person who desires them. It's really an escape and even a fantasy.

 

Now that he's gone, it would do you a whole world of good to stop obsessing over him and start dating other people. As for meeting up for coffee, I wouldn't do it if I were you. What you need is a clean break. Life's a funny thing.... when you squat and wait for something, it almost never comes. Let it go and live your life to the fullest .... free of any obesssions.

[SweetMisery]

Once again good advice. Now that I think about it all the attention he gave me was kind of selfish. Both to myself and his girl friend. I mean sometimes with our interactions coworkers in the office would raise their eyebrows at us.

 

Also, I had found out that he used to like to draw so I asked him if he would be interested in drawing a band that I was into at the time. He was excited to dive in and we went through pictures that he thought would work. Then the next week he told me that his gf asked him why he never drew anymore and asked him to draw something and he told her that he had already promised me. Then a female coworker over heard and said Wow, you are gonna get him in trouble with the gf. After that the drawing was never mentioned again. Then another time I mentioned that I was trying to learn how to play Texas Holdem and he said that he would teach me but again never followed through.

 

I sense that at the time he said these things to me wanting to do them but then later he was conflicted because of the girl friend. In all of our interactions his facial expressions were always warm and inviting his eyes open up and he would smile and everything was big. So I would get sucked in.

I half expect that the lunch will never take place with him because then he would maybe have to explain that to his girl friend.

 

I think I am gonna sit this one out like you suggested and not contact him for awhile. Because I really do need to move on with my life.