cdjudd Posted October 20, 2018 Share Posted October 20, 2018 I've been dating this girl for going on 3 years. For the most part, everything has been good up until the last few months. It started when I moved out of state for a job in Dallas and up until then we were living together. One night in particular, my girlfriend fell off the grid for around 7 hours which was very uncharacteristic of her. She finally got back to me and it was obvious that she was highly intoxicated and her emotions were all over the place. I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt and move past it. A few weeks later one of my friends tells me she hasn't posted anything on Instagram. I found this odd considering she had told me she had deleted her Insta after we started dating. After speaking with her, she then tells me she now has a Snapchat also. I have since moved back from my work in Dallas and had to get my own place because she wasn't 'comfortable" with me living there. She has also withdrawn and has become quite secretive with her electronics(phone, computer and Ipad), not to mention her changing the locks to the house. I have tried to speak with her on this and she insists that I'm insecure and I'm just being paranoid. Any thoughts as to what I am dealing with here? I'm confused when someone wants to be so secretive and cold Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 20, 2018 Share Posted October 20, 2018 You're not wrong to be very concerned, OP. Something is wrong here. Why is she uncomfortable with you two living together again? When she was emotional on the night she fell off the radar, what do you mean, exactly? What was she saying? As a woman, I would be thrilled if my long-distance boyfriend moved back again. The fact that she is distancing herself from you is not good. I suspect a break-up is just around the corner, but she hasn't yet worked up the courage to do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdjudd Posted October 20, 2018 Author Share Posted October 20, 2018 Well, when she contacted me back after ignoring my texts and calls(her words) she was all over the place. She was emotional and yelling and screaming about how I could do this to her. I tried to calm her down but all she would do is hang up on me. She said that she was going to hang out with the girls from work but I don't know if I could believe that after her being so hostile over someone falling off the grid from 8pm until 3:30 am Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 20, 2018 Share Posted October 20, 2018 Well, when she contacted me back after ignoring my texts and calls(her words) she was all over the place. She was emotional and yelling and screaming about how I could do this to her. I tried to calm her down but all she would do is hang up on me. She said that she was going to hang out with the girls from work but I don't know if I could believe that after her being so hostile over someone falling off the grid from 8pm until 3:30 am What was she referring to here? Do what to her? Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdjudd Posted October 20, 2018 Author Share Posted October 20, 2018 She was referring to taking work out of state and leaving her Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 20, 2018 Share Posted October 20, 2018 (edited) She was referring to taking work out of state and leaving her No wonder she is cold, did you really think you could just pick up where you left off? .. and I guess she has probably moved on... Edited October 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Merge Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdjudd Posted October 20, 2018 Author Share Posted October 20, 2018 So I should be jobless and ride the couch instead? In what way is that respectable? We agreed on doing things long distance. If she didn't agree I wouldn't be on this forum seeking counsel Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 20, 2018 Share Posted October 20, 2018 So I should be jobless and ride the couch instead? In what way is that respectable? We agreed on doing things long distance. If she didn't agree I wouldn't be on this forum seeking counsel So if this was all agreed, why is she so mad at you? Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted October 20, 2018 Share Posted October 20, 2018 So you are with this woman for three years and move out of state and wondering what? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 So I should be jobless and ride the couch instead? In what way is that respectable? We agreed on doing things long distance. If she didn't agree I wouldn't be on this forum seeking counsel What was the end plan? Were there plans to close the distance, or was this going to be an indefinite separation? Either she was trying to be supportive when you left but really she was very hurt, or she had a change of heart after you were gone and perhaps has realized that she just doesn't feel the same way about you anymore. Has she met someone else? Perhaps. The late-night drinking sessions (as you mentioned in your other thread) may or may not have much to do with it. But she is obviously not happy in the relationship, no matter how you slice it. She is taking steps to keep you away which is never a positive sign. I think you two really need to sit down and talk in person and decide what to do. You are not being paranoid. When your own girlfriend doesn't want you to move back in and goes so far as to change her locks so you can't come around, something is really not right anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 My guess is that she thought she could do long distance but the reality is that it's not working for her, so she's starting to pull away. Expect a breakup in the not too distant future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 I agree. She thought she could handle an LDR but she found herself resenting you for leaving. She got used to living alone. She likes the freedom. The fact that you can and are keeping tabs on her from a distance & know she "fell off the grid for 7 hours" sounds controlling to me. I live with my husband & certainly can't tell you what he's doing for 10+ hours during the work day. Now if I hadn't heard from him in 12 I'd get concerned because he's my husband but with a dating person, my # was 48 hours -- 2 days. People are adults & get to have a life without checking in with their SO. Anyway, now you're back. You want to pick up where you left off. She's angry because she's afraid you will up & move away again for work. She knows she rates below work on your priorities & she resents that. She may also feel smothered by your return. A long talk is in order here. You need to do more listening then talking & no accusing. It may very well lead to a break up but hopefully it will give you insights into her resentments & you can adjust your behavior accordingly. If the accommodations she wants are unacceptable to you, then you should have peace with the break up. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 Just my opinion, but I feel it's a co-worker that she has gotten attached to emotionally out of her loneliness...she's afraid to admit what has become of all this, ...she's doing the slow fade. I agree a talk is in order..a real honest one. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 Just my opinion, but I feel it's a co-worker that she has gotten attached to emotionally out of her loneliness...she's afraid to admit what has become of all this, ...she's doing the slow fade. I agree a talk is in order..a real honest one. I don't think not letting him back into the house and changing the locks is a particularly slow fade... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 (edited) I've been dating this girl for going on 3 years. For the most part, everything has been good up until the last few months. It started when I moved out of state for a job in Dallas and up until then we were living together. <snip> You refer to a 3-year relationship as still "dating"? Most guys who are serious about a girl and the relationship would be referring to her as his girlfriend or having been in a long-term relationship. Were you two on the same page about the level/quality of the relationship? Meaning, were you just stringing her along knowing she was hoping for marriage, etc.? I don't know what your discussions with her prior to your move out entailed, but something went awry. I might guess that she's thinking you're on your way out. If I were a man, I don't think I would make a move like that without clarifying what your intentions with her were from that point and if I were the woman, I don't think I'd wait around for a guy who made a move like that either. Edited October 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 If you do not contact her, how much time passes until she contacts you? Don't know? Then find out. Do not contact her or see her and see how long it takes till you get a message from her... my guess is she will never bother contacting you again. In which case your problem is solved. Go to where you can find work, then find a new GF there. Now that's a plan... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kelliousme Posted October 21, 2018 Share Posted October 21, 2018 I can think of two possibilities. A somewhat good one and a bad one. One, she resents you for leaving her. I mean unless you guys had a GOOD talk about it and came to an agreement, it's hard to let your boyfriend move to another place and suddenly the relationship becomes long distance. Some people can handle it fine, others... not really. Like I have a huge problem with long distance. And if my boyfriend chooses career over me, then I'd resent him a little too. But a lot of other factors need to be considered. Such as, why you need to move? Can you get another job? Did you choose the job over staying with your gf when you can just work elsewhere? ETC ETC. The second reason is.. she found someone while you were away. This kind of sucks but it's possible. She either found someone or she did something she shouldn't have (such as cheating on you during that 7 hr disappearance) and she's extremely guilty causing her to be cold towards you. Anyways, you should sit down with her and have a good talk. Tell her your feelings and see how she responds. Be prepared that the relationship won't work out though or if she said she found someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author cdjudd Posted October 22, 2018 Author Share Posted October 22, 2018 When I referred to it as dating, she is my girlfriend so my apologies for the confusion on that. We had a discussion about it before I left and she agreed that she wanted to try and continue to see one another. She had told me she was going to start looking for jobs in Dallas but suddenly woke up one day and everything had change. The amount of contact between her and I fell off. I didn't want to take the relocation but I only took the move because I had no other options for my career at that point. It was a move that I knew was going to advance my career and ultimately make it possible for us to really start planning getting married and starting to build our lives together. Since moving back, I obviously had to get my own place and things still don't feel quite right. I suppose there could be someone else and she doesn't want to tell me, in fear of hurting me and I can understand that. However, I do love her and I would like to work it out, if possible. I agree with most of you that a talk is in order. I guess the only thing now is seeing if she is willing to open up about things and to see if there even is a future at this point. I just want to make sure I am making the right decision and not a premature one. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 Yes, you two must communicate about this. She can't reasonably expect you to be fine with regressing in the relationship this way, either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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