Need Advice on Engaged MAN!

[missjewelz]

So I fell in love with a higher up at my job. Problem is, hes engaged, and I recently got engaged. I know I'm not truly happy with my relationship and feel I settled. The higher up is 17 years older than me. I'm 32, hes 49. When I told him I was quitting, he was devastated.

 

He rushed over to my desk after interviewing someone and tripped and spilled coffee on my desk, and asked me hastily "where are you going!?" it was quite embarrassing and awkward, especially since people are so intimidated by him. To see him acting like this was shocking. I told him I wasn't going to anther firm, but just to focus on school. He seemed relieved but very sad and walked away from my desk. Afterwards as hes walking out the office, he puts his briefcase down in the lobby in front of my desk and hes starring right at me and fixing his tie and shirt and looking at me up and down.I was shocked!

 

I knew he was attracted to me, but didn't know he would act like this! As hes doing this, I look away and he comes even closer to my desk to make me look at him. We ended up gazing into each others eyes for a long time. I'm glad none of my coworkers noticed this. We had limited interaction with each other most the time, but strong chemistry and attraction. I would catch him starring at me intensely from the corner of my eye. I think I hurt his manly ego for quitting his firm, especially after he knew I liked him, that's why he was so devastated. I went back in June to help the firm out for a few weeks, I had remained on call, and he was shocked to see me. I avoided him because I was too embarrassed and shy, although he tried to get my attention.

 

We were actually both embarrassed by our intense flirting with each other on my last day in April. If hes engaged himself, why was he interested in me? hes really successful, and Im still working on my career. I am no where near his level yet. Hes never been married and hes almost 50, and has no kids. He lives with his fiance, and I don't. Hes older, I'm younger. I think about him everyday, and I know he truly liked me. I told him I wouldn't be back anymore due to issues with my HR. His last words to me were 'hope to see you again' regardless of the HR issues.What should I do now? When I land my future position elsewhere should I email him letting him know where I ended up? I cant go back there after I told him I wouldn't, I would look like a hypocrite even though he said 'hope to see you again.". I think he knew I came back to see him in June, but I felt I ruined my chances with him by avoiding him.

 

I don't want to appear desperate and like Im chasing him, especially when i think the man should chase the woman instead. After all I'm the one who left the firm. he might be thinking 'if I truly liked him I wouldn't have left in the first place, but I really had no choice. I had the option to go back to his firm, after June, and even sparking up our interest with each other again, but I ruined it by not responding to his advances the second time I was there. Its October now, and I still think about him everyday, i miss seeing him, and hearing his voice.

 

I know I shouldn't be having feelings for him esp when Ive been with my boyfriend for 10 years, but hes the only guy I have ever been with. I have doubts in my heart that hes the right one for me, especially after meeting the higher up at work. What should I do? Forget about him? Email him when I get my new position?

Edited October 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Amethyst68]

Forget the OM, he's probably already focused on his next project.

 

Instead try and figure out what do about your current relationship. You need to figure out if there's something you want to work on. If there is you need to communicate with your BF and work together to improve it. If not then break up and move on. What ever you do, do not get involved with someone who is already attached to someone else , you will only be inviting heartache into your life.

[missjewelz]

thanks for the advice. I really am trying to forget about him. Hes not just an office manager either, hes a very successful attorney whos a founding partner in his firm. I think his age, and success, and good looks attracted me to him. but yes, I have only had one boyfriend, and I need to figure out whether I really want to continue with him or not.

[missjewelz]

After falling in love with one of the big bosses at my job, I cant stop thinking about him. I left the office for school reasons, and he was devastated. He was mutually attracted to me as well, and hes 17 years older. We never did anything with each other but flirt, but the sexual tension and attraction was there. He's been enagaged to his girlfriend for a year now, but I honestly think he just settled with her, because hes almost 50, and wants security in a relationship.

 

The way he would look at me, was like nothing I have ever seen before. No man has ever looked at me the way he has. If hes engaged, why was he interested in me? I never understood his intentions. Whether he wanted me as a side thing, or realized he didnt love his girlfriend like he thought he did. After leaving his office, Im still in love with him, and I know he might still think about me. At the office, I would see him constantly starring at me, and taking long gazes at me, and our gazes would meet often, I think thats why I fell in love with him.

 

I went back once after leaving in April, and I tried to keep it professional by not giving into his advances, but now I regret it. I feel like I ruined my chance with him. Should I try to contact him in the future to see if he still likes me? I left the office in July finally, were October, I was thinking maybe I should wait until next year to email him to let him know where I ended up at, a professional email that is, from my new job, then he could take it from there, to see if still likes me or not.

 

He did say 'he hopes to see me again' in the office even after I left. Or should I move on completely? I feel like in life, if you dont take chances, you miss out on what could be and potential happiness/ What do you think? Neither of us are married, and although hes engaged , hes still not married yet. Do you consider his flirtatious behavior with me emotional cheating?

Edited October 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Bufo]

Have you read other threads here? Please do so and keep count how many affairs turn out well. I’m sure you see lottery tickets for sale. The prize is via a tic but the odds of winning are minuscule. Affairs are like that. The prize seems like it would be marvelous, but the odds of winning are equally minuscule.

 

If you analyze what he has done, he is grooming you as his OW. Please keep score of the other OW threads. Is that where you want to be next year?

 

I sure then and suggest that you don’t want to be here next year lamenting your A when you discover that he didn’t really love you, lied to you, and proceeded with his current fiance’ .

[missjewelz]

I know he genuinely liked me. I dont think he was grooming me to be his other woman. I think he was very curious about me and had I given him the chance to get to really know me then we could have started something together. Just because hes engaged doesnt mean hes necessarily happy. Hes a respected attorney and has a reputation to uphold. I was worried about getting involved with him especially because he was one of the bosses, but I honestly think hes with his current girlfriend fiance because he was lonely. How do I know if I dont give it a chance? If I do reach out to him next year, and lets say we do meet up, hes obviously not happy with his fiance, and if he did want me as his OW then I would not continue with him at all.

[MuddyFootprints]

Is there any possibility you are misinterpreting his friendliness as flirtation? You sound young and not very savvy.

 

Can you describe how he made his inappropriate advances?

 

Longing gazes across a crowded room? Really.

[missjewelz]

Well I'm not super young, but I haven't had a lot of experience with men as Ive only had one boyfriend. I'm 32 and the guy is 49. I know when a guy finds me attractive so he made it very obvious, and no it definitely was not just friendly as hes a very busy attorney who doesn't take the time to talk or even look at employees as he's done with me.

 

After I told him I was leaving, he freaked out and ran over to me and asked 'where I was going" definitely out of character for a busy litigation lawyer. he ran so fast to my desk he tripped and spilled his coffee, he actually made a fool out of himself. I told him it was for school reasons, but I would remain on call with his office, and he said 'they would call me in all the time' if that was the case. Anyway as I'm sitting at the desk, I happened to be the receptionist, he's leaving for the day, and he stands right in front of my desk, and puts his brief case down and starts fixing his tie and suit and starring right at me. He starts looking at me up and down, and kept starring right at me .

 

I looked away so he would stop but when I did that he ran up to my desk so I could look at him, which I did. He then is right in front of me and keeps looking into my eyes. This to me is inappropriate behavior if you are engaged to another woman. He obviously wasn't thinking about her in those moments. I think he was afraid to say anything to me as him being one of the higher ups, you have to be careful as an attorney in that position, but this went on for a few good minutes. When I came back to the office he was finding ways to be around me, even in our small coffee break room. I noticed he would walk right in there with his briefcase because I was in there when he usually goes to his office to set his jacket and bag down.

 

Before I told him I was leaving, he was about to interview an associate lawyer to join the firm, he completely ignored the gal that was there to interview and starred right at me, there was no crowded room, it was just me and him right there. She's handy capped and he didn't even offer to help her up because he was starring at me for the longest and I starred right back. No one in between just me and him. I fell for this guy, and I know he really liked me too. He told me he 'hoped to see me again' in the office before I left for good. I still like him and think about him everyday, so I'm wondering if I should contact him in a few months to see if hes still interested. I'm under the impression he doesn't really love his fiance, he just settled with her because of his age and doesn't want to be lonely.

Edited October 21, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Amethyst68]

Every boss I've ever had has told me they've "hoped to see me again", usually with instructions to be sure to keep in touch and not to be a stranger - it means nothing. My God - if it did then almost every person I've ever worked with wanted to have an affair with me

[misspalmy]

we cant help who we fall on love with. xx

[missjewelz]

thats true, thank you.

[missjewelz]

You know he wasn't my direct boss. I never did anything for him, he had his own assistants. I never did not one thing for him. I had my own supervisors that managed me, and he definitely was not one of them. I'm not that naive.

Edited October 21, 2018 by missjewelz

[Mardelis]

Look on the bright side. This situation helped you realize you don't want to settle with the guy who gave you a ring. Break the engagement now it will save you a lot of time, money and grief later. Especially if you wait until there's a house, mortgage, children, joint bank accounts, etc. Then it becomes rather messy.

[misspalmy]

Do what makes you happy. just dont end like me pregnant again to MM

[bathtub-row]

As long as he's engaged, you need to leave him alone. He knows how to get unengaged and I'm sure he could seek you out and find you if he chose to. But he has done neither. And you didn't ruin anything by avoiding him. If he really wanted to change his life and be with you, he'd figure it out. Stop over-noodling this and stop hanging on every little word he ever uttered. Yeah, he was strongly attracted to you and may have been bawled his eyes out when you left. But one thing you need to understand about a LOT of men is that they are very, very reluctant to change their lives for love or attraction. They do not put the same value on those things as women do.

 

As far as you and your fiance are concerned, you would do him and yourself a huge favor by ending it. Marrying someone you feel uncertain about will either end in divorce or big regret. I can save you the suspense - it's not worth it.

[BaileyB]

If he is engaged, that means that he is unavailable to date.

 

And, you would be wise to end your current relationship. It’s quite clear that you do not love this man. Let him find someone who does...

[missjewelz]

I guess you are right and I have been in denial. If he really did want to contact me he would have already. The last time I saw him he was really trying to get my attention and I blew him off, because I knew he was engaged even though I liked him.

[bathtub-row]

I guess you are right and I have been in denial. If he really did want to contact me he would have already. The last time I saw him he was really trying to get my attention and I blew him off, because I knew he was engaged even though I liked him.

 

Attraction without action means very little. He would likely be very happy to sleep with you and stay engaged to his gf. They live together and he asked her to marry him. That’s a big deal and a lot of things would need to change before you could date him without him cheating on someone else. Focus on fixing your life and don’t dwell on a person who’s unavailable. You did the right thing by not encouraging him. If anything, that should’ve spurred him to take action.

[stillafool]

Every boss I've ever had has told me they've "hoped to see me again", usually with instructions to be sure to keep in touch and not to be a stranger - it means nothing. My God - if it did then almost every person I've ever worked with wanted to have an affair with me

 

I experienced the same thing from bosses. Even asking me to come around some time so we can do lunch. I'm sure they weren't trying to hit on me.

 

OP, even if he was showing you attention in that way it would only be for a roll in the hay. He certainly isn't going to through his fiance away for you. So be thankful nothing more happened or you would get hurt and embarrassed.

[Artdeco]

OP - You’re attracted to him and therefore you’re reading too many things into what he’s doing. There is nothing to read into anything. He’s just a boss and you’re just somebody who works for that company. I don’t see anything happening there and I don’t see a love affair developing - Sorry. He hasn’t said anything that should make you think that he’s interested in you romantically, he hasn’t asked you out for lunch, let alone dinner, he’s engaged,… What are you looking for exactly? Don’t waste any more thoughts and time in this.

[SouthernIslander]

It is way too easy to leave this one alone. He hasn’t asked you out and you don’t have to work with him. It’s just a matter of you getting over the attraction. Anything outside of that is just asking for drama.

[BaileyB]

It is way too easy to leave this one alone. He hasn’t asked you out and you don’t have to work with him. Anything more is just asking for drama.

 

Ain’t that the truth.

 

I have a feeling that this was more to you OP, than it was to him. He went home to his fiancé and whatever “moment” you shared has probably been long since forgotten...

 

He would be a foolish man to be “making eyes” with you when he is engaged to another woman. And, if he is “making eyes,” who would want that kind of man anyway... No thanks.

[BTDT2012]

Sounds like you should end your engagement, and not settle. As far as the other man, I think you read more into the situation than was actually there.

[bathtub-row]

I disagree that he didn’t feel anything for her. But I don’t think he intends to do anything about it.

[missjewelz]

He definitely felt something for me. Like I said in an earlier post, the position he was in with his firm made it more difficult to act on his feelings. I was an employee so he had to be very careful how to go about this, plus him being enagaged and all, but like I said, I don't think he is truly happy in his relationship and if I did go back to his office sometime, he would probably be making eyes at me again. When I left the first time, he did ask 'where I was going". Many employees leave this place, they have such a high turnover, and the partners including him don't care and ask them where there next heading too. So that was a big deal in itself. The partners are so busy that they don't even know the issues that are happening in the office with staff.

 

A lot of the time I was there, I would be sitting down at my desk and he would be standing in the back watching me, I could see his reflection on my computer. We definitely had our moments together, but I was the one that left and ruined his chances at having something with me. I really dont think he wanted me as a side fling like some think. He's an older man, almost 50, and has never been married, and no kids. I really think after dating his gf for one year, he decided to propose because he is getting older, and settled and doesn't want to be lonely. His gf has two kids,therefore he would have a family. Some men settle, and just because she has the ring, doesn't mean he really truly loves her.It's not always about love, and I couldn't be more different than his fiance. I'm younger than her, no kids, and progressing my career. She's established already with her career, 7 years older than me, divorced with 2 kids. She also sells real estate, and helped him sell his old home to buy a new one. He bought his new home, and she isnt even co owner of the home although they are engaged. She's also the real estate broker for his family. It appears to me that their relationship is more of business, convenience, and complacency. If he was so happy he would not have been eyeing, flirting, and liking me while being with her.

 

After meeting and seeing me though, I think he thought twice about whether he really wanted her or not, and I still think he thinks that even though I'm not there. That's why i wanted to try to contact him in a few months just to let him know what place I ended up going too, then he can act on it from there. If nothing, then it was not meant to be. We both had a strong mutual attraction to each other, and both failed to completely act on it due to our positions and circumstances. But as time goes on, and if I did reach out to him, that would be a test to see if he really wanted to pursue further.

Edited October 22, 2018 by missjewelz