Need Advice on Engaged MAN!

[missjewelz]

I see two things in this thread:

 

1. You don't want to marry your current fiance. This was your wake up call. It is completely separate from the OM. I think you need to seriously think about that relationship. Controlling is never a word to use to describe a partner.

 

2. I think your feel like you missed your chance with this OM. What are you going to school for? Law? Are you currently taking classes? I don't think it would be bad to email him asking for some legal career advice or school advice. I would email his work account and ask him to meet for lunch/coffee to discuss strategies or a certain class. That way the meeting is truly innocent, but you can get the "missed out" feeling out of your system. You can certainly craft a very professionally sounding email.

 

If you continue to communicate after that, just make sure that it doesn't go to an EA unless he is no longer engaged.

@ABernie, yup thats exacly how I feel, that I missed my chance. Sometimes engagements dont always work out, and I feel like he genuinely had an interest in me regardless if he was engaged. Sometimes when you meet someone you realize the person your with isn't the one you thought they were. These things happen. and regardless of what people are saying on here where they think he wasn't flirting with me or he didn't like me. Your all wrong, I'm not delusional. I'm the one that did not give into his advances, which is why he was so embarrassed when I came back to the office. The first day back in the summer, he ran right past me and couldn't look at me. He was shocked I was back and felt extremely embarrassed but that didn't stop him from playing his little flirting games the entire time I was there. There was some extreme awkward tension between us. Yes, I'm staying in the legal field, and before I left he wanted to know where I was going, but I did not have anything lined up after this particular job, but I will starting the new year while still being in school. Yes, I'm currently pursuing a criminal justice degree, and will be interning with the state coming the new year.

[ABernie]

I think this is a terrible idea. OP doesn't need to even see this man again as it will just feed her fantasy. She needs to stay far away from him to break the spell and be free to find a man who is free to give her the love she deserves.

 

 

I understand your point, but regret often sits in your stomach and becomes debilitating as well. I remember in my early 20's I went out with someone and we were really perfect for each other. I still lived at home and had a crazy father, so I would often act strange at the end of the date. He took it as I wasn't interested.

 

A year or so later, he was in a class with a friend of mine and I don't know how we figured it out, but he came by my apartment to pick something up from my friend. I got the chance to explain everything that happened. He was dating someone at that point, which was disappointing, but I'm glad that I, at least, was able to make up for the regret.

 

I think OP making and going into a meeting with a professional mind would be important at this point. It at least opens the connection lines and if he decides to not get married, he can reach out to her.

 

But reading OP posts, I can feel the regret in my stomach.

[missjewelz]

@ABernie, yup i know the feeling of regret! this happened to me in high school as well. I was in love with this one guy since 7th grade all the way until senior year and he liked me as well, even asked me out to a school dance, and I was so shy that I rejected him. At the time I just didn't have confidence in myself, and was so shy around guys that I liked. I found my old high school crush on fb few years ago and I tried to add him on social media just because we did know each other and had many mutual friends, he actually denied me and blocked me! Think he was still hurt from me rejecting him back in school, anyway that guy is married now and I had regrets about him for a very very long time. I had liked him for 6 years and did nothing about it, the feeling was mutual there too. It takes a lot for me to really like a guy, I can say I've only really liked 5 guys in my lifetime, yes there's lots of cute guys out there, but to really like them or be in love with them is something else for me.

 

I hate that feeling of what could of been, and not taking action in the moment can ruin things. I'm definitely not trying to be a homewrecker or anything, it's just too bad I fell for a guy that has a fiance already, and the feeling was mutual. My relationship with my current bf has been unstable for years, and his controlling ways contribute to that.

[ExpatInItaly]

I hate that feeling of what could of been, and not taking action in the moment can ruin things. I'm definitely not trying to be a homewrecker or anything, it's just too bad I fell for a guy that has a fiance already, and the feeling was mutual. My relationship with my current bf has been unstable for years, and his controlling ways contribute to that.

 

You have zero tangible evidence to suggest the feeling is mutual.

[missjewelz]

@ExpatinItaly thats your opinion

[stillafool]

My relationship with my current bf has been unstable for years, and his controlling ways contribute to that.

 

What are you going to do about that? You aren't married to him so why waste years with someone who is not compatible? Why not free yourself to meet the right guy?

[elaine567]

I'm definitely not trying to be a homewrecker or anything

Yes you are, that is exactly what you want to do.

[BaileyB]

I'm definitely not trying to be a homewrecker or anything.

 

What other intention would you have if you contacted this man again? Is it not your intention to offer yourself, with the hope that he would break it off with his fiancé and chose to date you?

 

It's just too bad I fell for a guy that has a fiance already, and the feeling was mutual.

 

It is indeed too bad that you fell for a guy who has a fiancé. It doesn't change the facts though. And it is also my opinion that there is little indication that the feeling was mutual. Again - if he wanted you, he would have made it happen.

Edited October 27, 2018 by BaileyB

[Malin889]

How do you know the feeling was mutual? Did you ever talk to him about it or are you basing this off him staring at you when you were leaving?

[Malin889]

I actually had the chance to go back, I was offered to go back in August for a permanent position by my HR and I turned it down, knowing that I still had a thing for him I still turned it down. He’s also the type to not have anything to do with social media. I have his work email though.

 

You turned down another job there because of an innocent crush that’s not returned? And it’s now the end of October and you’re still thinking of him?

[Malin889]

We actually have had conversations. I had a 20 minute conversation with hil regarding work related issues. He can’t contact me now, he doesn’t have my email or number and he’s not on social media. He’s not gonna go ask my HR for my number either as she would get suspicious, and especially because he’s not in charge of employees.

 

So you weren’t friends or didn’t socialize outside of work? I just say that because friends at work would have each other’s numbers.

 

It sounds like it was very one-sided.

[missjewelz]

@Malin889 no we didn’t have each other’s numbers, we weren’t friends like that, he was one of the higher up partners so he didn’t socialize with employees like that, and I turned down another position there due to issues with the HR not because of him. Besides these issues he offered me to come back and I said no and he wanted to know where i would be going but I didn’t have anything lined up at the time until now. I never did work for him btw he had his own assistants. He liked me the whole entire time I was there, and he was actually shy and didn’t know how to express it correctly to me because I was an employee but he definitely gave me hints, I’m not that stupid, and it was mutual. Regardless of hil being engaged he was liked me and was very attracted to me so that makes it mutual.

[missjewelz]

Ok so question? Let’s say we know for sure the feeling was mutual. I know it was but everyone on here seems to disagree. So if it was definitely mutual, then you still think it’s a bad idea for me to contact him? He tried to get my attention and I completely ignored him last time I was there but only gave him the time of day when I talked to him about work related issues, I kept it professional. He was the one constantly flirting with me.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ok so question? Let’s say we know for sure the feeling was mutual. I know it was but everyone on here seems to disagree. So if it was definitely mutual, then you still think it’s a bad idea for me to contact him? He tried to get my attention and I completely ignored him last time I was there but only gave him the time of day when I talked to him about work related issues, I kept it professional. He was the one constantly flirting with me.

 

Of course it’s a bad idea to contact him.

 

Do you really need us to explain why, again?

[stillafool]

@Malin889 no we didn’t have each other’s numbers, we weren’t friends like that, he was one of the higher up partners so he didn’t socialize with employees like that, and I turned down another position there due to issues with the HR not because of him. Besides these issues he offered me to come back and I said no and he wanted to know where i would be going but I didn’t have anything lined up at the time until now. I never did work for him btw he had his own assistants. He liked me the whole entire time I was there, and he was actually shy and didn’t know how to express it correctly to me because I was an employee but he definitely gave me hints, I’m not that stupid, and it was mutual. Regardless of hil being engaged he was liked me and was very attracted to me so that makes it mutual.

 

The bold above was his opportunity to ask you for your contact info and it would have seemed quite innocent to those in the office because it could be an opportunity for future projects. Lawyers are pretty clever when it comes to getting what they want. He would have found a way if he wanted to reach you.

[missjewelz]

Not as easy as it seems in this situation. I actually went in to talk to him and I was very angry and upset over things my HR was doing, and I caught him off guard. It was one of the most awkward intense conversations I’ve ever had in a working environment. He was shocked and very surprised by the things I was telling him and he didn’t even know how to respond and react, I did most the talking but told him I could no longer come back to the office because of the issues that were going on, and he asked “so your not coming back?” And I said no, but I was extremely angry he had never seen that side of me and I actually made him feel very uncomfortable. Partners usually don’t know what goes on staff wise, there so busy and these issues are handled by HR but she happened to be the problem in this situation. I was so livid he couldn barely look at me when I was talking that’s how bad the problems were. Not a good moment to ask someone for their contact info actually. Regardless of how angry I was though he still wanted me back in the office and my point is I did no work for this guy at all! He had his own assistants! The feeling was definitely mutual, he was constantly checking me out the whole time I worked there and making eyes and flirting heavily, I pretty much rejected his advances, even though I liked him

[Starswillshine]

Please explain how he flirted and what were his advances?

[missjewelz]

@starswillshine Purposely trying to get my attention when I am talking to a co-worker and cutting in on my conversation that had nothing to do with him is flirting. He was listening in on my conversation. He obviously wanted my attention, and I was training this girl, and I asked her a question and he answered it in a playful teasing way, and neither of us were looking at him. Eyeing me up and down often is flirting, and purposely coming into the break room when I'm in there alone is another way. He has a direct view of who is in there, and he came in on purpose, I'm not that stupid. Using me as his mirror while flexing his arms and grooming himself is another way. He obviously wanted me to look at him, because I wasn't, so he made sure that I had a view of him by standing right in-front of me intentionally while he looks directly at me while fixing his tie and shirt is definitely flirting. I would be sitting at my desk and I could see his reflection on my computer, and he would be standing to the side/behind me from our break room, and he would just stand there and watch me while I'm working. Anyway he tried to flirt his way, and sometimes I flirted back but for the most part I ignored him, because I tried to keep it professional. This guy would always watch me like he had never seen anything that looked like me before, the starring became uncomfortable sometimes. Like I said in an earlier post, I was the same ethnicity as hs ex gf and resembled her and his fiance a little bit, so I know he definitely found me attractive. He couldn't take his eyes off me. Had I given into more of his flirting and attraction then he would have definitely cheated on his fiance with me, no doubt. I still liked him regardless, but I didn't do much when i came back to the office to encourage his affection so I put a stop to it.

[missjewelz]

I honestly don’t know if he just wanted some side fun, or maybe him and his fiancé are having problems, or he could have even found me more attractive than her, I really don’t know. I’ve seen his fiancé and she’s not the most feminine looking, that’s why I honestly thought he settled with her. He shouldn’t be looking at me in that way then, which is why I was thinking he settled. Sorry to say, but I’m younger and more attractive than she is, and have no previous divorces or kids like her, and I’m sure he knows this. He knew I was still in school and pursuing my degree. So why wouldn’t a man with his success and never been married with no kids want someone like me. Men want what they can’t have sometimes. Especially older men. But what I do know is that I cannot mess around with a man who’s taken. He would need to be single, I could have easily slipped this guy my number or email, but did not. He made it known he was looking to go further with me by showing his strong attraction, especially when I decided to leave, he was completely devastated, he even showed his dissapointmemt loudly for everyone to hear because he was so shocked that I decided to leave. I never even did work for him ! But he liked my pleasant personality and I’m sure I was eye candy to him.

 

I guess he knew I liked him and that wasn’t good enough to keep me there which was a blow to his huge ego. Although I liked him, nothing came about our mutual attraction because I was the one who didn’t give into it then was feeling regret, but he would need to be single and so would I. I was debating whether to contact him in the future just to let him know where I ended up because all of the partners really liked me and were expecting me back but I decided to choose a Different path. He most likely will hear where I’m at because I still have strong ties to the firm with many coworkers and managers.

[MuddyFootprints]

*staring.

 

[missjewelz]

Whatever, I know he liked me. Regardless I made my mind up not to contact him.

[ExpatInItaly]

Whatever, I know he liked me. Regardless I made my mind up not to contact him.

 

This is a very good idea.

 

Start focusing on getting out of your current relationship instead, as you evidently are not very happy at all anymore.

[elaine567]

Had you decided to pursue this, it was a very messy way to start a relationship.

If this has highlighted issues, then get out of your engagement fast. No point in leading your poor fiancé on any further..

 

Once free and with things in perspective, an old attached guy lusting after a young work colleague will lose his attraction.

If he was in fact willing to cheat with you, he was not likely to be averse to cheating on you either.

You can do way better.

[missjewelz]

Had you decided to pursue this, it was a very messy way to start a relationship.

If this has highlighted issues, then get out of your engagement fast. No point in leading your poor fiancé on any further..

 

Once free and with things in perspective, an old attached guy lusting after a young work colleague will lose his attraction.

If he was in fact willing to cheat with you, he was not likely to be averse to cheating on you either.

You can do way better.

 

Yes exactly, I was thinking about it and its just not a good idea. I need to get over this infatuation fast. I wouldnt even put it past him contacting me in the future, you never know. If he finds out where I am at, and I wont be too far from my old firms location, we could possibly run into each other, but I need to just get over him, sooner the better. Plus like I said in an earlier post, I am saving myself for marriage so I dont know how that would have ended up if I did purse something with him. He could have been turned off by that idea and blew me off completely. After thinking about everything though, yes I will not contact him, because I know if I did he would be more than willing to take it further, and it goes against my morals when it comes down to it.

[stillafool]

Not as easy as it seems in this situation. I actually went in to talk to him and I was very angry and upset over things my HR was doing, and I caught him off guard. It was one of the most awkward intense conversations I’ve ever had in a working environment. He was shocked and very surprised by the things I was telling him and he didn’t even know how to respond and react, I did most the talking but told him I could no longer come back to the office because of the issues that were going on, and he asked “so your not coming back?” And I said no, but I was extremely angry he had never seen that side of me and I actually made him feel very uncomfortable. Partners usually don’t know what goes on staff wise, there so busy and these issues are handled by HR but she happened to be the problem in this situation. I was so livid he couldn barely look at me when I was talking that’s how bad the problems were. Not a good moment to ask someone for their contact info actually. Regardless of how angry I was though he still wanted me back in the office and my point is I did no work for this guy at all! He had his own assistants! The feeling was definitely mutual, he was constantly checking me out the whole time I worked there and making eyes and flirting heavily, I pretty much rejected his advances, even though I liked him

 

Why would you go to him about your HR problem? That sounds completely inappropriate since he isn't your boss and he's a higher up. What was the point of that? I think he was just being nice asking you to stay because he thought because you were hysterical you were going to quit your job and mess up your life.