Need Advice on Engaged MAN!

[missjewelz]

Nope, the right opportunity never presented itself and not so easy for a man that has position and power.

[BaileyB]

Nope, the right opportunity never presented itself and not so easy for a man that has position and power.

 

Are you sure? Or do men in a position of power find a way of making things happen such that they often get exactly what they want...

[SouthernIslander]

Nope, the right opportunity never presented itself and not so easy for a man that has position and power.

 

It’s actually quite easy for a “man in power”. Besides, he is engaged..what exactly do you want to happen if he did make a move?

 

Seems easier to just note that he is attractive and leave it at that.

[bathtub-row]

Nope, the right opportunity never presented itself and not so easy for a man that has position and power.

 

That's actually not true. The man I mentioned earlier was a CEO and that basically gave him carte blache. He created situations and scenarios so that we could be together, said things to me in meetings like little coded messages, did things in general that he wouldn't have normally done -- and no one ever questioned him.

[missjewelz]

The thing is he was gone much throughout the week, a very busy litigator lawyer! I don’t think he was expecting me to leave so suddenly, because when I told him he was trying to put the moves on me by showing his feelings so fast, he knew I liked him so he thought I would stay in the office just for him, so when I told him I was leaving it looked like I hurt his ego. I tried to ignore him on that last day and he pretty much got in my face and was making me look at him, I turned over to my coworker and he ran up to my desk because I wasn’t looking at him. I really don’t think the right opportunity presented itself, I wasn’t working there fulltime either. Plus it was against company policy to date coworkers, I know I’m not there anymore but anyway he was the engaged one the whole time acting single.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your inexperience with men, especially men like this, is working against you here, OP. It is clear you are naive when it comes to these things, to be blunt.

 

He would have created an opportunity to contact you directly if he wanted you as much as you hope he does. Trust me on this. You can justify and excuse away his lack of action, but the truth is that he has never done anything to get to you know better.

 

I think you are bored and lonely in your relationship and have built up your interactions with this man in your mind to be a lot more than they are. You are projecting your own unhappiness with your boyfriend onto this man and looking for excitement.

 

It's time to get out of your head and accept reality: he's just not that into you, and your relationship with your boyfriend is dead in the water.

[Starswillshine]

Nothing you wrote here has indicated this man is into you.

 

You need to work on getting out of your current relationship. You said you saved yourself for marriage, do you really want to go through with this marriage, having saved yourself for a special moment, to this man who doesnt make you happy?

 

And let's just say that you contact the attorney and he is willing to meet up with you, are you then going to give yourself up to be a side piece?

 

He's an engaged man. Dont project your relationship issues on him. A man you dont know and a woman you have seen once.

[BaileyB]

He's an engaged man. Dont project your relationship issues on him. A man you dont know and a woman you have seen once.

 

And let's be honest here, you don't "know" this man. You know how he presents himself at work and you have filled in the rest by creating a "fantasy" about this man. But, how he presents himself at work - smart and good looking - is only the tip of the iceberg. You don't know anything about his life, his past, his interests, his personality, how he behaves in a relationship (aside from the fact that he flirts with women at work), what values are important to him, or what he wants for his future.

[grassisorisntgreener]

You're both engaged. Move on or ask if he wants to date you. Simple as that. Don't try to read signals from someone you barely know.

[missjewelz]

No I would not give myself up to be a side piece. I think the best thing to do is to not contact him, because if I did I'm more than sure he would be willing to meet up, and that would be crossing into dangerous territory for both of us.

[SouthernIslander]

The thing is he was gone much throughout the week, a very busy litigator lawyer! I don’t think he was expecting me to leave so suddenly, because when I told him he was trying to put the moves on me by showing his feelings so fast, he knew I liked him so he thought I would stay in the office just for him, so when I told him I was leaving it looked like I hurt his ego. I tried to ignore him on that last day and he pretty much got in my face and was making me look at him, I turned over to my coworker and he ran up to my desk because I wasn’t looking at him. I really don’t think the right opportunity presented itself, I wasn’t working there fulltime either. Plus it was against company policy to date coworkers, I know I’m not there anymore but anyway he was the engaged one the whole time acting single.

 

 

Blantant flirting = Opportunity presenting itself

 

 

But.....he didn’t take the bait and really nothing stopping him from reaching out to you now. This reads like you have a crush on him and making this out to be something that it wasn’t.

[SouthernIslander]

No I would not give myself up to be a side piece. I think the best thing to do is to not contact him, because if I did I'm more than sure he would be willing to meet up, and that would be crossing into dangerous territory for both of us.

 

I wouldn’t contact or do anything else to further persue this guy. Focus on evaluating if you are ready to get married. It doesn’t sound like you are and this crush situation is incredibly unfair to your fiancée.

[missjewelz]

Well I guess I'm the one who didnt take the bait because he did blatanty flirt with me, and let it be known that he liked me too. I did nothing to give into this flirting, and even when I came back to the office he was still doing the same thing, caught me alone in our break room and was giving me direct blatant signals. Because I knew he was engaged and I had my bf I didn't give into my feelings, and was feeling regret. But maybe now I'm thinking I did the right thing. I would not want to break up someone else's relationship. Like I said in a previous post, if I contacted him in the future, he would most likely be open to meeting up. He know's I know his work email, its public on the office work site. He's the one that doesnt have my contact information.

[georgia girl]

Okay, I will be the rebel here - the practical rebel.

 

OP, if you are so sure he’s interested, call him/email him and invite him out to lunch. Tell him you’re interested. Do set healthy boundaries and tell him you won’t pursue a relationship with him until and unless he is single, but life is short and you wanted him to know that if he were single, you would be interested. (And to save yourself a world of hurt, disappointment and lost time, STICK to that boundary.)

 

Then move on. Life is short and you are wasting precious time fantasizing over a man you have never had a relationship with. If you need to get it out of your system, do it. To be honest, I hope you get rejected. This guy’s a jerk if he was/is interested in you but wasn’t willing to live honestly with either you or his fiance. Plus, I think you will finally be able to move on and consider someone else.

 

And I know of what I speak. After my fiancé dumped me a few months before our wedding (but I couldn’t get over him), someone gave me a little tough love. A few months after that, I met the real love of my life - my husband. I shudder to think if I would have allowed a fantasy about the wrong guy keep me from the right one.

[missjewelz]

@georgiagirl I really appreciate the advice. I been going back and forth on whether to contact him or not. He will be engaged going on 2 years next February. Im thinking right now I will just leave it alone, but if his woman only knew about his behavior I wonder if she would think twice about marrying him. He doesnt seem very faithful if hes flirting with me, while being engaged.

[clia]

You should not contact him.

 

I can assure you with 100% certainty that if he was interested in more than flirting he would've found a way to make it happen. In fact, it would have been easy to make it happen in a variety of different ways. (I used to work in a law firm so I saw it happen all the time...) It's very likely that by now he has moved on to flirting with the new receptionist, whoever she may be.

 

I actually tend to agree with some of the others that you were reading more into it than was actually there. Can you clarify what he was doing to "blatantly flirt" with you?

[ExpatInItaly]

@georgiagirl I really appreciate the advice. I been going back and forth on whether to contact him or not. He will be engaged going on 2 years next February. Im thinking right now I will just leave it alone, but if his woman only knew about his behavior I wonder if she would think twice about marrying him. He doesnt seem very faithful if hes flirting with me, while being engaged.

 

Don’t contact him. You will more than likely completely embarrass yourself in doing so.

[BaileyB]

Don’t contact him. You will more than likely completely embarrass yourself in doing so.

 

I totally agree. I also think he has probably moved on to flirting with the new secretary... If he wanted to make something happen, he would have long since done so...

[bathtub-row]

Here’s what I suggest if you’re just completely unavailable on anything internet-related - like Facebook, LinkedIn, etc. Email the guy and say say, “Hey, there! I just wanted to send you my contact information in case you ever need it, or wanted to stay in touch. I hope you’re doing well.” See what happens. If he’s interested in you, then he’ll jump at the chance to reach out to you. Or make up some story about how you’re wondering about a certain legal case and wanted to know how’s it’s going or how it turned out.

 

I would personally not do that, understand, because I would never get past him not seeking me out. Plus, he’s engaged. But that’s just me. He may truly be clueless and not have the slightest idea how to find you.

Edited October 24, 2018 by bathtub-row

[missjewelz]

Well like I said, I'm the one who didnt take the bait in an earlier post. He purposely would come into our break room, ( his office had view of who was in there), knowing I was in there alone, and I would walk right out after seeing him because he made me so nervous, and like I also said using me as his mirror is blatant flirting. Fixing his hair, his tie, and rolling up his sleeves infront of me while directly starring at me. Propping himself infront of my desk to show me what I would be missing since I told him I was leaving. It was actually really awkard. This guy doesnt even speak to his employees or know their names, but he sure had time to be flirting with me all the time. I figured he found me attractive since day one, you can just tell by the way a guy looks at you, and he would watch me very often from the back. So basically there was a strong mutual attraction, and I did not give into it, even though I liked him very much. I can guarantee you he is not flirting with the new secretary, I know who she is, and she's definitely not his type. I also noticed that I am the same ethnicity as his ex gf before his fiance. There is a slight resemblance between her and I, so when I saw that, I figured he has a type. Definitely likes young brunettes with brown skin. I'll be interning with the state in a few months, my original idea was to email him when I was mid way into the internship just to let him know where I got into, because he along with the other partners invited me back to their firm in a different position, but I turned it down. I am on social media, but hes old school, he doesn't believe in social media.

Edited October 24, 2018 by missjewelz

[georgia girl]

I think you missed my point. The ONLY reason I would want you to tell him of your interest is so that you could get turned down and then get on with your life. What you don’t seem to appreciate her is by building up a fantasy about who this guy is and the wonderful life you would have together, you are wasting time you could be using to get out there and meet your real partner. A man of flesh and blood, who you will get to know inside and out and love all the more because he is human and real. OP, this is nothing more than pure fantasy. He may have flirted with you - I can’t imagine that any guy would t flirt back to a woman who was clearly interested in you - but he didn’t make a pass. He didn’t even attempt to get your contact number or email! I am sorry for the tough love but this is not about him - it’s about you. You have built this up in your mind and have created such a romantic fantasy that you are cheating yourself out of real life. Please, for your sake, forget about him and move on.

[missjewelz]

@georgiagirl your right, I'm just being stubborn. He's enagaged and they live together, I need to just let it go. I most likely will not contact him. Reading everyone's advice on here has really helped.

[ABernie]

I see two things in this thread:

 

1. You don't want to marry your current fiance. This was your wake up call. It is completely separate from the OM. I think you need to seriously think about that relationship. Controlling is never a word to use to describe a partner.

 

2. I think your feel like you missed your chance with this OM. What are you going to school for? Law? Are you currently taking classes? I don't think it would be bad to email him asking for some legal career advice or school advice. I would email his work account and ask him to meet for lunch/coffee to discuss strategies or a certain class. That way the meeting is truly innocent, but you can get the "missed out" feeling out of your system. You can certainly craft a very professionally sounding email.

 

If you continue to communicate after that, just make sure that it doesn't go to an EA unless he is no longer engaged.

[clia]

You really need to let this go and let him go. (And probably also let your fiance go, while you're at it.)

 

He purposely would come into our break room, ( his office had view of who was in there), knowing I was in there alone, and I would walk right out after seeing him because he made me so nervous,

 

Is it possible he just needed to go into the break room, needed a refill for his coffee, whatever? How do you know he wasn't also going in there when you weren't in there? Were you monitoring all of his break room habits? A person at work walking into a break room, isn't really any indication of anything, much less flirting.

 

and like I also said using me as his mirror is blatant flirting. Fixing his hair, his tie, and rolling up his sleeves infront of me while directly starring at me.

 

This sounds more fidgety than flirting. I've never really seen a guy flirt by fixing his tie and rolling up his sleeves.

 

Propping himself infront of my desk to show me what I would be missing since I told him I was leaving.

 

I don't understand this. Showing you what you would be missing? Was he flexing with his shirt off? Honestly, this all sounds like you are reading way too much into this.

 

This guy doesnt even speak to his employees or know their names,

 

I find it impossible to believe that a partner at a law firm doesn't speak to any of his employees or know any of their names. Impossible. Seems like it would be hard for him to get his work done, if this were really the case. He doesn't speak to his assistant/secretary, paralegals, associates? (And really, how do you know what he knows or what he does when you are not around?)

 

but he sure had time to be flirting with me all the time.

 

Define "all the time."

 

I figured he found me attractive since day one, you can just tell by the way a guy looks at you, and he would watch me very often from the back.

 

How do you even know he was watching you if he was behind you? I mean, seriously? And so what if he found you attractive? That doesn't mean he wants a relationship with you.

 

I am on social media, but hes old school, he doesn't believe in social media.

 

He's not that old. He would and could figure it out if he was interested.

 

I'm not trying to be mean, but reading what you wrote doesn't really give me any indication that he wanted anything with you. Sure, maybe he thought you were cute, maybe he flirted a little bit because he thought you were cute, but that's not abnormal and doesn't mean he wanted anything beyond that with you.

 

Really, just let it go.

[stillafool]

 

2. I think your feel like you missed your chance with this OM. What are you going to school for? Law? Are you currently taking classes? I don't think it would be bad to email him asking for some legal career advice or school advice. I would email his work account and ask him to meet for lunch/coffee to discuss strategies or a certain class. That way the meeting is truly innocent, but you can get the "missed out" feeling out of your system. You can certainly craft a very professionally sounding email.

 

If you continue to communicate after that, just make sure that it doesn't go to an EA unless he is no longer engaged.

 

I think this is a terrible idea. OP doesn't need to even see this man again as it will just feed her fantasy. She needs to stay far away from him to break the spell and be free to find a man who is free to give her the love she deserves.

 

I agree with another poster who said this fantasy is more about her than this man. She is unfulfilled in her relationship and her person is warning her not to marry her bf because there's someone else out there waiting. OP you have so much going for you, don't be afraid to explore your options; but going after someone else's fiance will just bring you bad karma.