I regret marrying my wife

[mr.regret]

My wife and I have been together 10 years (married 9). Long story short. We met online while she was studying abroad. For 16 months, we talked online and video chatted but didn’t see each other in person. She finished her program, moved home and we met for the first time 16 months into “knowing” each other. We met in June, moved in together in July, married in August and she was pregnant a week later, miscarried in October, and was pregnant again in January.

 

It was fast. At the time, it felt right. We were 20 and 25, I should have known better. We fought non-stop for 3 years and absolutely hated each other – while she was pregnant, and our son’s first and second year – but stayed together because we had a child together. I had an emotional affair during that time.

 

Things improved and the last 6 years have been good and we have been happy. We added two more children to our family and my wife is currently pregnant, making us a family of 6.

 

There are things that on “day 1” I didn’t hesitate about and thought I could handle, but after living with them for the last 9 years I hate. Our 10th marriage anniversary is next year, and we’ve been planning a two-month trip to Europe. During all this, I feel like I’ve been smacked in the face with a brick and keep thinking “it’s been 10 years of this”.

 

My wife has a long list of problems that affect her and our marriage. Her mom was abandoned at birth; her dad was sexually and physical abused. Her mom and dad had mental illness, her dad was sexually, mentally, physically abusive to her and her mom. When she was 3 her dad shot and killed her mom, he spent 10 years in prison and now walks free. Her maternal and paternal grandparents fought for custody for 5 years, she was tossed back and forth between both homes, both sets of grandparents were unloving, showed no affection, were abusive, and overall bad places to be. She was sexually abused by her paternal grandfather. Starting when she was somewhere around age 7 she was repeatedly molested by her friend’s older brother and he attempted to rape her a few times, and she never said anything. She got into her first relationship at age 12 and stayed with the guy until she was 18. He raped her daily from the beginning to the end and let 2 or 3 of his friends rape her and touch her. She didn’t leave until she went abroad for university. When she told her grandparents about it they didn’t believe her and shamed her for lying.

 

We have intimacy problems, no shock there. We don’t have sex often, maybe a couple times a month. In 9 years, I have been able to get her to orgasm twice, because she cannot relax. She gets frustrated that she can’t orgasm because she knows that I want her to, and gets upset that (in her words) I’ve had better sexual experiences with others. She gets upset that she’s not “my best”. I’ve had around 30 partners, some good, some bad. My wife isn’t the worst, but she isn’t the best either (I’ve NEVER said that to her, though). She isn’t willing to try new things, getting her to talk about sex is very difficult, our sex is very boring and bland because there are a lot of things that we can’t do. I have to be careful of the way I touch her. She doesn’t like being kissed anywhere. She always wants to be near me and wants me to touch her in some way (hold hands, cuddle, etc.). Emotionally she doesn’t have much to give. My dad died recently, and she tried her best to be there for me, but had no idea what to do. She was more lost than I was. Our kids were better equipped to handle it than she was. If something is wrong with her, she won’t talk to me about it. The one relative of hers that was good to her and loved her died last year, my wife was totally shut down and has never spoken a word about it. She doesn’t want me to see her cry. She just hasn’t let me in, I don’t know if she’s ever let anyone in. So, our sexual and emotional intimacy sucks.

 

Removing those, she is a good wife and a good mother. I work a lot. Due to the nature of my job I need be available from about 6AM-12AM 7 days a week and holidays. If I get a call at midnight, on a date or during a conversation, etc., I HAVE to take it. I often end up going into work on holidays. My wife stays home with our kids, one school-aged and two not. In terms of the house, cleaning, cooking, kids, activities, shopping, planning events, etc., my wife handles everything. She is great with our kids. She is very affectionate with them. She dedicates all her time to them and they are happy and healthy. She is always on top of everything. She puts our children first when necessary. She knows when to put her or us first, though that has taken years to figure out. She makes time for us even if she tired. She participates in my hobbies with me, even though she doesn’t like them. She doesn’t get frustrated when she’s bad, just laughs it off and has a good time. She will do anything for anyone. If we fight she is always first to apologize, even if I’m the one who should. She takes responsibility for anything that goes wrong and tries to fix it. She always tries to have the house clean and dinner ready when I come home, and I know that’s hard with 3 kids and being pregnant. It took years, but she has embraced my family as her own and now talks to them more than I do. Most importantly, she is teaching our kids differently than she was taught. She always encourages them to talk about what’s wrong, and that we will not dismiss anything ever. She talks to them about mental health and their body being their own. She doesn’t want our kids to ever feel the way she did. She has anxiety and depression, and is on meds for that.

 

If the sexual and emotional intimacy were removed, there wouldn’t be much to complain about. But I sit here, 10 years and soon to be 4 kids in, regretting it. Regretting the bad sex and intimacy for the last decade. Regretting marrying someone who I will never truly feel close to. Regretting that we didn’t have a wedding even, because she didn’t want to due to having no family or (at the time) friends to be there. She is always upset after sex. If I can get her to talk to me about what’s wrong (rare), she says something along the lines of: she sucks at sex, I’ve had better with others, I deserve better, she doesn’t want me to leave. None of which is on my mind, even though she thinks it is. I should admit, there has been many times that she has initiated sex and I have turned it down because my interest in having (bad) sex with her is dwindling. She gets upset when I turn it down, and when she turns me down.

 

Do I even have the right to complain? I knew what I was marrying, she never hid her problems from me. I have stayed for 10 years and we have 4 children together. We are generally happy. Most of the time we are happy. Recently I haven’t been able to get this off my mind. When I think about it, I’m not thinking about leaving it’s just regret. I don’t know what I even want. Or what I want from posting this to a variety of strangers. I want to stop having regrets, stop wondering about the “what ifs” and stop having a wandering eye/mind. I am becoming increasingly distant towards my wife, and she has noticed. Recently I have been occasionally talking with the woman I had an emotional affair with. She’s married now and I wouldn’t go there again, but if I have to hide it from my wife then I shouldn’t be doing it.

[Marc878]

Your emotional affair will suck the life out of your marriage.

 

Plus it's a nice fantasy versus reality. All affairs are.

 

You are in unicorn and golden rainbow land.

 

You'll either deal with it or suffer the consequences.

 

Your choice

[mr.regret]

Your emotional affair will suck the life out of your marriage.

 

Plus it's a nice fantasy versus reality. All affairs are.

 

You are in unicorn and golden rainbow land.

 

You'll either deal with it or suffer the consequences.

 

Your choice

 

My affair was years ago. I am not having an affair right now. I have spoken to the same woman, however that started after these feelings started taking over. She hasn't caused the feelings to emerge. I know that talking to her isn't going to help anything, and it makes the wondering a lot worse.

[stillafool]

If you regret marrying your wife the good news is you don't have to stay married you can file for a divorce.

[mr.regret]

If you regret marrying your wife the good news is you don't have to stay married you can file for a divorce.

 

It's not exactly an easy decision to leave my pregnant wife and children. A divorce isn't something that I want to put my children through. Right now I have a lot of regrets, but I'm not set on divorce or jumping to it. I want the regrets to vanish, that'd be great.

[Marc878]

If you're smart you'll cut out the contact with your former AP.

 

This especially right now will just make things worse.

[Million.to.1]

Have you thought maybe about sex therapy with your wife?

 

It really doesn't sound like you can live this way without trying something. She has many issues from her past and it's understandable that she has these intimacy issues, but you will grow to resent her and that frustration will corrode the relationship anyway.

You can't live with regret like this. it's toxic.

 

You said many positive things about your wife and her character, and expressed no desire to leave the relationship, but you either have to seek ways of improving things with professional help that your wife is on board with doing,

or consider leaving the relationship so you can both be good co-parents for your children.

 

It would be worse for them to grow up exposed to a dysfunctional marriage than two single functioning parents.

[BaileyB]

This is so sad.

 

You have a good woman who has been a good mother and a good partner to you, but the trauma in her past has affected your marriage in a profound way - in ways you could not have even begun to imagine when you first met and married.

 

My only advice is to find yourselves a good counsellor. Your wife has experienced significant trauma and this has affected her ability to be intimate with you - but 10 years and four children later, it's a little too late for you to decide this is a deal-breaker for you now. And, the fact that you have decided not once, but twice, to turn away from your wife and have your needs met with another woman... How do you think that has contributed to her desire to be emotionally intimate with you? You have done something that would be so hurtful to any woman, never mind someone who has the history your wife has experienced. In a way, you have added to the abuse and trauma that she has already experienced by other men. That is hard to say, and I'm sure very hard to hear but it is true.

 

Best wishes to you. Your story hurts my heart.

[bathtub-row]

It’s extremely sad what your wife went through. I can’t even imagine one of those things happening to me, much less all of them. It’s no wonder she’s so broken in the area of sex and intimacy, but it’s quite amazing how she has pulled through and not repeated the patterns of her insane family.

 

Having said all that, I won’t diminish your pain, either. Sexual frustration and lack of intimacy can be gut wrenching. There’s no easy answer here because leaving your marriage or even cheating on your wife are not going to make you feel good about yourself, nor will it solve anything. I think the best you can do is continue to be understanding, go with her to counseling, and try to get through this as best you can. She should understand that if she wants her marriage to last, she needs to acknowledge that her past is having a devastating effect on it. She also needs to find a form of healing so that she can learn to trust you and love you freely.

 

Did you make a mistake marrying her? Probably. But you don’t throw away 10 years and 4 kids without severe backlash - to your wife, your kids, and yourself. This is a highly complicated situation that would best be handled by healing your wife’s pain, which is real, as you already know. And, believe it or not, there is a form of healing happening for her already through her children, and even through you. You’re obviously a kind and thoughtful man. I hope you’ll not lose your patience with her and break up your beautiful family. Find a therapist that specializes in sexual abuse. I think that’s the best place to begin.

Edited October 21, 2018 by bathtub-row

[BaileyB]

It’s no wonder she’s so broken in the area of sex and intimacy, but it’s quite amazing how...

 

You have been able to have four children. It's quite amazing that she has allowed herself to trust a man and/or have sex at all after everything she has suffered.

[Mr. Lucky]

mr.regret, all your complaints are legitimate, they’re just two or three kids too late. Given the commitments you’ve made and, with a pregnant wife, continue to make, unrealistic to ask for a do-over.

 

Lots of problems in your marriage. What have you done to address them?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Simple Logic]

Half the time you have been together she has been pregnant. No wonder your sex life sucks.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You shouldn’t be complaining now, 4th kid in. You have had plenty of time to divorce her at kid no 1, 2, 3... it’s not like these are new issues. Suck it up. This is the life you have chosen.

[Guildford]

If your wife tries to initiate sex that means she does enjoy the sex, the unhappiness after sex comes from a feeling of inadequacy. The fact that you turn her down when she is initiating is not helping her mental development regarding sex. I believe that turning down a spousal offer of sex on a regular basis is the moral equivalent of extramarital sex. When you got married, you were not only promising to not have sex with others, you were also promising to do your best to fulfill your wife's sexual needs since she has promised to limit her sex life to you.

 

With the size of your family, divorce is not a good idea. Given your wife's childhood history, her development outside the area of sex is admirable. Your wife needs a feeling of marital security and an emotional bond with you, and you are not providing that to her. I would work on that area.

[d0nnivain]

Get some marriage counseling. 10 years & 4 kids later it's ridiculous to blame your unhappiness on that fact that you moved fast at the beginning, a decade ago.

 

You are clearly a man with priorities -- you go to work when called. Apply some of the duty & sense of obligation to the more difficult task of fixing your marriage not throwing away your family.

[BaileyB]

Get some marriage counseling. 10 years & 4 kids later it's ridiculous to blame your unhappiness on that fact that you moved fast at the beginning, a decade ago.

 

You are clearly a man with priorities -- you go to work when called. Apply some of the duty & sense of obligation to the more difficult task of fixing your marriage not throwing away your family.

 

Tough love, but I could not agree more.

[Zapbasket]

Tough love, but I could not agree more.

 

I agree, too.

 

Your wife sounds like an incredible, strong person. Any ONE of the childhood experiences you name could shake a person for life.

 

I second (third) the suggestion that you go to counseling with someone who specializes in childhood sexual abuse. If your wife isn't emotionally read to go, then you should go to learn tools for how to help your wife deal with these demons, as her husband.

 

You're in an incredible position where you can love your wife toward healing. She obviously WANTS to have sex with you, and wants to please you, but because of everything she's experienced, understandably all of it is very hard for her. So encourage her. When she wants to cuddle, cuddle. When she's sad after sex, hold her. I don't want to deny the validity of your feelings of frustration that your sex life is as hard as it is, but looking outside your marriage in ANY way to meliorate that is going to sink both you, your wife, and your children.

 

Very few women--very few people--have the fortitude and character strength and integrity your wife demonstrates. You have a good thing, not to mention a baby on the way, so this is no time to think of leaving. Rather, it's time to lean in. It's not easy, I get that. Which is why some outside help from a qualified counselor is called for to keep you strong in supporting both yourself and your wife. If your wife is willing to go to counseling, that will be incredible. Just understand it will be much harder for her to have to dredge up all the stuff she experienced, and it might be harder before it's easier. So if she balks at first, then you go, and try to cultivate some gratitude that you clearly have found a spouse with far more character than most people ever even are called on to attempt, let alone achieve.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS....

 

IMO, table this, get an IC to help you with that if you need to, and focus on facilitating a successful and healthy pregnancy with your wife. Marital issues are important but there's a couple human lives involved here at a vulnerable time. After that's settled, then move on to addressing the marital issues. That was one tool we learned in MC, how to table (accept a delay in addressing) certain issues/disagreements/problems with the mutual promise to re-engage later.

 

As spouses, you and your wife made adult choices; the marriage and three current and one prospective child are the consequences. That is the responsibility you signed on for, for better or worse. Part of that making plans and life happens thing. It's not perfect and, yup, we sometimes have regrets. That's OK. You'll get through it.

[Rotn'roses]

Unusual circumstances with the usual complaints. All relationships suffer from insecurities, albeit, none stemming from such violent experiences, usually, as the ones your wife lived through. I had childhood trauma as well, although not to that extent, which I am sorry for. No child should have to suffer through so much, the poor dear.

After so many years of love, I sure hope you two can work it out. I will pray for your journey, because looking outside the marriage is only condemning yourself in the long run. I pray that this does not happen to you. You locked yourself into being selfless. I know the feeling and I too regret it, decades later, to some degree, in my life as well. I am unattached so it is easier for me to continue on. Perhaps you need to sit down and be completely honest with your wife about needing her love and affection. You have been patient. I understand that people have needs and if you are honestly assessing them between the two of you then perhaps you can both try for asolution. Life is tricky. And time can change so much. You sound like you want to live sexually, really live it, before you die. And your wife has had to much of that in her lifetime. But it was never your fault. You two are incompatible on that level. Plain and simple. You can try to cope or you can exit. I do not envy your situation and I pray that you two can work things out in a satisfactory manner.

Just a little food for thought...I am 36, not married, and my fantasy life is still hotter and better than any partners that I had the bad luck of meeting in the past decade +. The grass is not always greener on the other side. Even if it is, at least you wont have to experience what it is like being used by someone you barely know, or trusting someone you thought loved you for many years but steals your identity, or losing all your dreams because you would rather leave your own home than be used for the upteenth time. Everybody has issues with other people, you just have to decide what you can deal with or what you cant. For me, it was worth it to walk away from my life. It wasnt representative of who I was at the core. I am a happy, enthusiastic, warm, hard working, giving, deserving, dorky, kind, goofy woman. I was not going to let someone else's bad behavior dictate who I was any longer. Check your roving eye, cut your emotional affair(s) out of your life or get a divorce and do go find the life in which you are happier. God bless you and your family. I pray you find a way to make it work. Family is the most important thing in the world. Cherish the one you built while you do have it.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's not exactly an easy decision to leave my pregnant wife and children. A divorce isn't something that I want to put my children through. Right now I have a lot of regrets, but I'm not set on divorce or jumping to it. I want the regrets to vanish, that'd be great.

 

 

Given everything going on in your marriage, why pregnancy #4 now?

 

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

Whenever someone gives a whole list of issues that have been issues for a while, then splits in "oh by the way, I'm talking to this other person " it kinda cancels out the complaints.

Makes it sound like justifying your poor behavior.

 

Worst part is people who have affairs often can't tell themselves what's true and what's mental gymnastics.

 

In this case, I'll be honest, you sound like you are totally justifying. You say you've always known the issues. Yet you married her, spent 10 years and had a kids.

 

Second I'll be honest, your wife sounds amazing even with all your complaints. Emotional closeness and intimacy aren't the same as sex. You seem to think it's all in the same. Closeness and intimacy come in many forms that dont require you making it about sex which you know is uncomfortable for her.

 

She has low self esteem around sex and you aren't helping.

[Just a Guy]

Hi mr.regret, after what you have let us know about the trauma your wife suffered as a child and as a young adult, it is no wonder that her experiences have severely affected her psyche. It is a wonder that she is able to maintain a facade of normality in the face of the horrendous suffering that she must have undergone. It also appears to me that you have let your concerns about your own emotional and sexual needs not being met in the marriage override your wife's obvious need for intensive therapy to help her come to terms with the demons that must ravage her mind. In your place I think I would first and foremost hasten to take her to a qualified psychiatrist who specialized in traumas of this kind and have her placed under his treatment for whatever time it took for her to gain some semblance of normality in the areas where she has been hurt. Even now it is not too late and you can still do the right thing by her and insist on this kind of treatment. The payoff would do both of you tremendous good.

 

On another note I have to say that you may be one of the luckiest fellas going around to be blessed with a wife like her. to me it seems she is out of your league and you certainly do not deserve a woman like her for being the petty minded guy that you are. I think you, too, need a healthy dose of IC to help you come to terms with your own selfish needs and desires. This may sound harsh but then good medicines are always bitter. Best wishes.

[BettyDraper]

It's very troubling that you want to leave your wife because of her severe issues relating to her traumatic childhood. How could you walk away without even trying to consult a qualified professional? I don't think you understand the meaning of marriage.

 

I too had a very traumatic childhood which marred by physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. I'm very blessed that my husband was patient with me. It helps that I was willing to see a therapist and eventually open up to my husband. It took almost a decade but I can finally relate to my husband in ways which are not a holdover from my dysfunctional childhood. In terms of sex, my husband lovingly taught me to stop being afraid of the emotional intimacy which comes with marital sex.

[Mardelis]

Plus it's a nice fantasy versus reality. All affairs are.

 

 

Not all of them. I know of one couple- both of them cheated on their spouses. All have divorced and the two cheaters live together and seem to get along fine. They're even discussing marriage.

[cleo83]

I don't think you understand the meaning of marriage.

 

I d refrain from making statements like this based of someone trying to share his frustration.

 

Just give a listening ear if you can and a little prayer. Thats all. #nojudgement