How long did you wait before moving in?

[RecentChange]

We moved in together 7 months after we met.

 

But our situation was VERY different than yours. Blank slates if you will. We were young, no ex's no prior marriages, no kids, none of those complications.

 

He took a job 500 miles away 3 months after we started dating. As soon as I graduated college, and moved to join him.

 

Importance was never really placed on marriage. We are agnostic, do not want children, and had no family pressure to do so. Figured if we were planning to stay together, why did we need a certificate from the government to make it real.

 

We ended up getting engaged 3 years in (he proposed) didn't get around to getting married for 9 years after that. We have been together for 18 years now.

 

I have zero regrets moving in early - those first 5 years were really magical.

 

With ex wives, children etc in the picture, I think taking it slow makes much more sense. Its not just you that will be affected if things go south.

[BettyDraper]

We moved in together 7 months after we met.

 

But our situation was VERY different than yours. Blank slates if you will. We were young, no ex's no prior marriages, no kids, none of those complications.

 

He took a job 500 miles away 3 months after we started dating. As soon as I graduated college, and moved to join him.

 

Importance was never really placed on marriage. We are agnostic, do not want children, and had no family pressure to do so. Figured if we were planning to stay together, why did we need a certificate from the government to make it real.

 

We ended up getting engaged 3 years in (he proposed) didn't get around to getting married for 9 years after that. We have been together for 18 years now.

 

I have zero regrets moving in early - those first 5 years were really magical.

 

With ex wives, children etc in the picture, I think taking it slow makes much more sense. Its not just you that will be affected if things go south.

 

What a beautiful story!

 

You are so right about having less complications than the OP. He needs to be very careful about rushing into another cohabitation or marriage.

[submart]

We actually waited until we got married. Dated for 2.5 years including a three month engagement. Not for religious reasons.

[carhill]

Got married in Hawaii, spent a bit over a week there as a honeymoon, flew back, packed up the wife's condo and moved everything to my country place.

 

My parents were pretty much same, except they eloped to Yuma and there was brief period after they returned living separately (mom lived with grandma) until the new house was finished, then they moved in. Lived there for their whole married lives and then mom as a widow.

 

I'll still only live with someone I'm married to but a lover of course will have liberal visitation. Women my age seem to like that too. Pretty independent and have their own places and stuff.

[Trail Blazer]

I hope you were able to see your kids for Halloween.

It's so sweet to excited children in their cute little costumes.

 

My condolences to your girlfriend. Losing a grandparent can be very painful if the relationship was close. How thoughtful of you to buy flowers! That's very loving.

 

Finding life hard does not point to lack of accountability. I don't doubt that being a single parent is very difficult so there's no reason to judge your girlfriend for thinking this way.

 

I hope that both of you proceed with caution and continue to grow together in your relationship. Keep us posted.

 

I did not see my kids for Halloween. They live 25 minutes away, further from the city and it was a weeknight. I would have had to go to their mother's house and I believe they went trick or treating with their big sister and a few others in their town. I saw the pics. They were cute. I still see my kids at least once a week, when I head up for dinner with them. It just wasn't feasible on that day.

 

My girlfriend was very close to her grandmother. She's an excellent cook - she makes the best roast, garlic seafood, bakes amazing cookies, apple pie etc, all skills she learnt from her grandmother. Her grandma used to do wedding cakes in the rural Oregon community and surrounding areas while my girlfriend grew up. She helped a lot as her parents worked the family business so her grandparents looked after her and her brother a lot.

 

We are finding it challenging to make time for each other recently. I guess the temptation to move in means we see each other a lot more. I know this is something that needs to be proceeded with caution and not something that should be rushed. I do want to see her more, however. I've really fallen for her and I just can't seem to get enough of her presence.

 

I'm terrible!

[Kitty Tantrum]

Ex-H and I moved in together the day we got married. We'd been "together" for less than a year at that point, but basically grew up together (his sister was/is my best friend since the age of 12 or 13). The marriage tanked after several years. I don't think it would have gone much differently if the timing had been sooner. People often say "you should have lived with him before getting married!" - but we were good at living together, that wasn't the issue. We could even assemble furniture together all day long and get on marvelously.

 

My fiancé and I lived together (housemates) for a couple of months before we ever hooked up, and for the first few months of our relationship, but we actually didn't get "serious" until after I'd moved out. We ended up living together again around the 18 month mark, and he proposed marriage a few months after that.

 

Even having lived together in some capacity already, I was nervous about "living together" at first. In my book, that's what you do when you're MARRIED, so I'm kinda breaking my own rules a little bit, and it honestly felt like a bit of a gamble before having a ring on my finger. But after he'd canceled a long-planned move across the country to stay here and pursue a future with me, I guess I felt inclined to make some concessions. And I kinda wanted to anyway.

 

I've still made sure to keep things as legally unentangled as I can. He moved in with me but he's technically a "guest" and not on the lease, and I've made sure I can cover all of my bills without help from him. In reality, he contributes a lot, but I've told him that the first contract we sign together will be when we get married. Until then, no joint anything. It feels a little bit silly in light of the fact that I've moved a man into my home which I share with my children (arguably much more serious than legal entanglements)... but it does bring some peace of mind.

[Blanco]

Since you have mentioned that you and your girlfriend are in love, it stands to reason that she wouldn't see you as a man who would abandon her with a child. Since it's obvious to Loveshack members that you are a man who loves children and being a provider, then why wouldn't your girlfriend be able to see that and want to enjoy the perks of being with a man like you? This is a compliment as well as a genuine question. Men are hardwired to provide so that characteristic is not rare or worrisome.

 

As for your girlfriend's birth control pills, I sincerely hope that she isn't the type of woman who would use reproductive coercion to be with you but she could be throwing them away. Just be aware that the biological urge to reproduce is VERY strong and some women will do anything to secure a good man...especially when they have been with losers. The fact that your girlfriend is already talking about having another child with you, and moving in together makes me think that she could easily have an "accidental" pregnancy to move things along.

 

Even though this is a great housing opportunity, it is still far too early for you and your girlfriend to be living together, planning to have another child, and blending your families. It's a red flag that your girlfriend doesn't see this and she's unhappy about how long the arrangements are taking-you aren't even divorced yet!

 

I find it hard to grasp the reasons for such urgency and I guess that's why I used the word "desperate". My apologies if that came across as excessively harsh. Desperation leads people to rush into serious relationships. Desperation also makes it impossible for people to take time to be single after a divorce. Getting into another serious relationship when you aren't divorced yet seems desperate as well.

 

I hope that you and your girlfriend are indeed perfect for each other. Love clouds judgement for even the most rational person and that's due to bonding chemicals. My observation is that you and your girlfriend are frantically rushing your relationship and that isn't completely rational. I know that I could be wrong. If the two of you are meant to be, there is no reason to rush into blending your lives and families so soon. Think about what happened the last time you rushed into a serious relationship, fatherhood, and marriage.

 

Good friend of mine is going through something like this with his current girlfriend. Their relationship has moved at an abnormally fast pace, and some of us think part of it is because she was married until late last year.

 

Anyway, maybe I've just spent too much time on forums like this, but something has just felt "off" about the situation. She has seemingly mapped out their future together within the first few months of dating. They just moved in together a few weeks ago, and guess what? She just told him that, oops, his boys can swim.

 

Given the circumstances, along with some things I've overheard her say, I'd have to say that best case scenario, she was intentionally not careful with her birth control.

[BettyDraper]

Good friend of mine is going through something like this with his current girlfriend. Their relationship has moved at an abnormally fast pace, and some of us think part of it is because she was married until late last year.

 

Anyway, maybe I've just spent too much time on forums like this, but something has just felt "off" about the situation. She has seemingly mapped out their future together within the first few months of dating. They just moved in together a few weeks ago, and guess what? She just told him that, oops, his boys can swim.

 

Given the circumstances, along with some things I've overheard her say, I'd have to say that best case scenario, she was intentionally not careful with her birth control.

 

 

Yes, that seems highly suspect to me as well.

 

Reproductive coercion is awful and I don't understand why so many women think that it's okay to use babies to keep a man.

 

I think that's incredibly selfish and low class.

[elaine567]

Reproductive coercion is awful and I don't understand why so many women think that it's okay to use babies to keep a man.

 

I think that's incredibly selfish and low class.

 

 

Of course it is, but it does work, hence why they do it.

[BettyDraper]

I did not see my kids for Halloween. They live 25 minutes away, further from the city and it was a weeknight. I would have had to go to their mother's house and I believe they went trick or treating with their big sister and a few others in their town. I saw the pics. They were cute. I still see my kids at least once a week, when I head up for dinner with them. It just wasn't feasible on that day.

 

My girlfriend was very close to her grandmother. She's an excellent cook - she makes the best roast, garlic seafood, bakes amazing cookies, apple pie etc, all skills she learnt from her grandmother. Her grandma used to do wedding cakes in the rural Oregon community and surrounding areas while my girlfriend grew up. She helped a lot as her parents worked the family business so her grandparents looked after her and her brother a lot.

 

We are finding it challenging to make time for each other recently. I guess the temptation to move in means we see each other a lot more. I know this is something that needs to be proceeded with caution and not something that should be rushed. I do want to see her more, however. I've really fallen for her and I just can't seem to get enough of her presence.

 

I'm terrible!

 

It's great to hear about involved dads after a separation.

I'm glad that your girlfriend has wonderful memories of her grandmother.

 

Would it be possible to come up with an action plan together in order to see each other more often?

[Trail Blazer]

It's great to hear about involved dads after a separation.

I'm glad that your girlfriend has wonderful memories of her grandmother.

 

Would it be possible to come up with an action plan together in order to see each other more often?

 

I try my best. My girlfriend has been wonderful in that regard. She's always coming up with ideas for me to do with the kids. Some have been fantastic ideas, things I wouldn't have thought of. I'm sure my ex has wondered why I wasn't this creative while we were married! Perhaps she's put 2 and 2 together and realized my girlfriend isn't so bad after all! Lol.

 

I would like to see more of my girlfriend. She's just been really busy the last month. A few funerals including her grandma's, and they're all out of town, so she stays at her folks' house in the country. I don't know whether she's thinking it's too hard to spend enough time together without living with each other? We haven't spoken about the idea much since. I think we need to explore other options for spending more time with each other first.

Edited November 11, 2018 by Trail Blazer

[central]

We dated about a year, and then got a house together. Decided we'd probably get married some day (no rush), and finally did so about 7 years later. Second marriage for us both, and no biological imperatives or clocks lurking over us.

[lana-banana]

We had known each other for over a year before dating, and we dated 18 full months before moving in together.

 

Coordinating the move was hard. I wanted to stay in the city but his apartment was in the suburbs, and our leases were separated by six months. It felt too soon for him to move in with me at 1 year, but I didn't want to move in and then deal with ugly fallout for a whole year if things went south. We agreed to move in together for six months as a trial run before getting engaged and buying a house. I'm glad we did, because it took a lot of pressure off us both. Either it would go one way or another, but we didn't have to worry about settling into a funk.

 

It's super important to be on the same page about these things. My husband lived with his ex-girlfriend for years before they broke up. She kept nagging him to get married and he refused, saying he wouldn't ever be engaged again and would rather break up than get married, and so she stopped asking. Stuff like that can turn into lingering resentments if you aren't very clear about what moving in means to you.

Edited November 15, 2018 by lana-banana

[Els]

If you have kids, 7 months is way too fast. Think about the potential upheaval to your kids' life - they only just saw mum and dad separate, and now dad is living with another woman less than a year after that?

 

 

 

Do you have custody at all? If you only have visitation rights, I think moving in after a year is OK (which is the minimum timeframe I would suggest for a childfree person). If you have custody, frankly I would wait 2 or 3 years, and marry first.

[Veronica73]

I think 7 months is way too soon, especially in your case.

 

I’ve lived with 2 men. The first one was a boyfriend who I dated for about a year before we moved in together. That relationship would never have lasted as long as it did (3 years) if we hadn’t been living together. For that reason I decided I’d never live with anybody else without a commitment.

 

With my ex husband, we moved in together after about a year of dating too. We were engaged and his lease was up and it was a couple of months before our wedding.

[BettyDraper]

Of course it is, but it does work, hence why they do it.

 

I don’t agree. It often results in very unhappy marriages or the man leaving at some point.

[BettyDraper]

I try my best. My girlfriend has been wonderful in that regard. She's always coming up with ideas for me to do with the kids. Some have been fantastic ideas, things I wouldn't have thought of. I'm sure my ex has wondered why I wasn't this creative while we were married! Perhaps she's put 2 and 2 together and realized my girlfriend isn't so bad after all! Lol.

 

I would like to see more of my girlfriend. She's just been really busy the last month. A few funerals including her grandma's, and they're all out of town, so she stays at her folks' house in the country. I don't know whether she's thinking it's too hard to spend enough time together without living with each other? We haven't spoken about the idea much since. I think we need to explore other options for spending more time with each other first.

 

If you’re a more creative dad after the divorce and your ex is jealous, I think she is likely resenting you and your girlfriend even more than she did before. That’s not your problem though.

 

It’s great that you want to explore other options for spending time with your girlfriend. Wait until you are divorced to move in with her. There is no reason to jump into another very serious commitment.

[morrowrd]

When I started dating her, all I wanted was to get her into my home. So I want to say, a month later and she was in. We lived together two years, and I proposed just before moving into our new home. (married this past april)

 

She is amazing, beautiful, ultra feminine, loving, sweet, perfect. I felt lucky I could call her my girlfriend. Even luckier now, to call her my wife. I have a new outlook on both love and marriage now. People in love, true love, marriage was meant for them.

[Trail Blazer]

The time had been fast approaching for my girlfriend and I to make a call on her uncle and aunt's house. They needed a decision to be made as to whether they list the house to the public to find new tenants or rent it to us.

 

After a long chat over Sunday breakfast we decided that it was not the right time to move in with one another. I have too much going on at the moment, with a divorce about to be proceeded and a few issues I'm trying to revolve with my son. We will look again in 12 month's time as we should be ready by then. We're unlikely to have the rental property available to us if some long-term tenants are found, but that is okay. We will just have to find our own place ourelselves.

[BettyDraper]

The time had been fast approaching for my girlfriend and I to make a call on her uncle and aunt's house. They needed a decision to be made as to whether they list the house to the public to find new tenants or rent it to us.

 

After a long chat over Sunday breakfast we decided that it was not the right time to move in with one another. I have too much going on at the moment, with a divorce about to be proceeded and a few issues I'm trying to revolve with my son. We will look again in 12 month's time as we should be ready by then. We're unlikely to have the rental property available to us if some long-term tenants are found, but that is okay. We will just have to find our own place ourelselves.

 

Good for you! This is a very smart decision.

Another year would put you at 18 months of dating. I hope that both of you have the same plans for the future with respect to moving in together and marriage.

[Trail Blazer]

Good for you! This is a very smart decision.

Another year would put you at 18 months of dating. I hope that both of you have the same plans for the future with respect to moving in together and marriage.

 

We've discussed the future and our goals are well aligned. After my divorce is through, we will look at opening a savings account to try and save for a house deposit. The aim will be to move in together within 14 months from now, or when both our leases end. We have also discussed the possibility of having a child together. If I can get my fimamces in order and a few things work out, that will be on the agenda within three years.

[BettyDraper]

We've discussed the future and our goals are well aligned. After my divorce is through, we will look at opening a savings account to try and save for a house deposit. The aim will be to move in together within 14 months from now, or when both our leases end. We have also discussed the possibility of having a child together. If I can get my fimamces in order and a few things work out, that will be on the agenda within three years.

 

Are both of you interested in getting married?

 

I'm asking because purchasing a home and having a baby together are big commitments.

[Trail Blazer]

Are both of you interested in getting married?

 

I'm asking because purchasing a home and having a baby together are big commitments.

 

Marriage for either of us isn't in the short term plans. Neither of us are religious, so there is no reason from that perspective. She does not believe it's that important and would rather put money towards a house over a wedding. Eventually she would like to get married, one day! I would certainly love to call this woman my wife one day.

[BettyDraper]

Marriage for either of us isn't in the short term plans. Neither of us are religious, so there is no reason from that perspective. She does not believe it's that important and would rather put money towards a house over a wedding. Eventually she would like to get married, one day! I would certainly love to call this woman my wife one day.

 

Marriage comes with legal, social, and financial benefits which aren't available to couples who are just shacking up.

 

Marriage is also associated with higher social classes. An expensive wedding is not a requirement for marriage either.

 

It's great that neither of you are going to rush into marriage. I suppose I find it hard to understand why a couple with many children between them wouldn't want to solidify their commitment. If things don't work out between you and your girlfriend, then she will be a single mother with two children by two different men. Maybe that's not a possibility that bothers your girlfriend though. People have different morals so YMMV.

Edited November 27, 2018 by BettyDraper

[Trail Blazer]

Marriage comes with legal, social, and financial benefits which aren't available to couples who are just shacking up.

 

Marriage is also associated with higher social classes. An expensive wedding is not a requirement for marriage either.

 

It's great that neither of you are going to rush into marriage. I suppose I find it hard to understand why a couple with many children between them wouldn't want to solidify their commitment. If things don't work out between you and your girlfriend, then she will be a single mother with two children by two different men. Maybe that's not a possibility that bothers your girlfriend though. People have different morals so YMMV.

 

We won't rush marriage, but at the same time it's certainly not off the agenda. In fact, despite what she says, I know that there will come a time down the track, especially if we already have another child, when I pop the question. I may even ask the question sooner. I do like the idea of at least being engaged. I know that her parents and my mom would as well.

 

I'm not one to care about what other's think. I don't conform to social norms, I pick and choose what suits me. I understand the benefits of marriage and I also understand tht pitfalls. Getting married purely for preparing for the worst is like taking out car insurance and expecting that you will have to use it one day. Honestly, I couldn't go through another divorce. This one has killed me already!

 

I hope this girl is the one for me. She very much hopes and expects that I'm the one too. But sometimes just being different to all the others that failed can just pave way for a new kind of failure you didn't see as a possibility. I'm under no illusion that things can go very wrong, people change and grow in ways that can make the future untenable. There is a lot to sort through and a lot of time needed, hence why the need for another year of living separately.