How long did you wait before moving in?

[Trail Blazer]

As the title suggests, how long did you wait before moving in with your partner/ex partner or whatnot? Pros and cons for going at it too early, or too late? I don't think you can wait too long, unless it's so long that the other person gets sick of waiting.

[Guildford]

I moved in with my wife after we had know each other for one year, and one day before we were married before a judge. I have a question along the same line as yours: did moving in together promote or retard any discussion of getting married?

[Trail Blazer]

I moved in with my stbxw within 6 months of meeting her. But we were in different states, so I just moved over and straight in with her. It made no difference to when we got married. I've had a few developments in my life which I might elaborate on at some point, but for now I was just curious about other's experiences here.

[Mr. Lucky]

Moved in right after the one year mark, proposed shortly thereafter. Married at the three year mark...

 

Mr. Lucky

[basil67]

About six months in.

[d0nnivain]

I have lived with 3 men.

 

1st I did backwards. I moved in as a platonic roommate. About a year later after I broke up with somebody I fell into his bed on a rebound & we lasted for about 10 years.

 

2nd guy he was just at my house all the time. About 9 months in he just never left & got his mail forwarded. That was a mistake.

 

DH moved in at the 2 year mark about 4 months before our wedding because that was when his lease ended.

[Zapbasket]

After one long-distance relationship where I refused to move to live in that boyfriend's city for a number of reasons, I took the opposite tactic with the next boyfriend, and moved across the country to be with him and live in his house after knowing him only six months.

 

I will never live with someone again unless we are engaged, or talking very seriously about being engaged. What I went through in extricating myself from that second relationship I mentioned made me vow, "Never again."

 

I don't think there should be any "rule" about when to move in together, beyond the rules people set for themselves. To each relationship its own. I just feel that I always want my own place to live unless my partner and I have each firmly committed to the prospect of pursuing our lives jointly, as true partners.

[d0nnivain]

Marriage is more then just living together. Living together is right for some people. I don't know all the distinctions between marriage & domestic partnership in every state but for some people just the decision to co-habitat without the legal promises associated with marriage or domestic partnership are not enough of a commitment.

 

My EX -- the 1st guy I lived with for 10 years -- always used to say that marriage was just a piece of paper. That ultimately was why we broke up.

 

Now having been married for 10 years, marriage is such a deeper commitment.

[BettyDraper]

We were together for 18 months when we moved in. We agreed that cohabitation was a step toward marriage. My husband proposed 2 months after I moved in.

 

Trail Blazer, are you asking this question because you are seriously considering moving in with your new girlfriend?

[Blanco]

I think a year or longer is a good jumping off point, though your mileage may vary. I'm in the camp that thinks waiting a bit longer than that if one of you was recently married might not be a bad idea.

 

When you're freshly divorced, the next relationship might seem amazing by simple comparison. Not a terrible idea to let the new relationship play out a bit and "normalize" before determining if you want to take that next step.

[BettyDraper]

I think a year or longer is a good jumping off point, though your mileage may vary. I'm in the camp that thinks waiting a bit longer than that if one of you was recently married might not be a bad idea.

 

When you're freshly divorced, the next relationship might seem amazing by simple comparison. Not a terrible idea to let the new relationship play out a bit and "normalize" before determining if you want to take that next step.

 

I agree. It's not healthy to leave a marriage and jump right into cohabitation with a new person-especially when there are children involved.

 

That kind of behavior screams codependency issues as well as desperation.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think a year or longer is a good jumping off point, though your mileage may vary.

 

 

Seems a safe bet. There's often a correlation here between "my marriage has gone off the tracks because..." and "we rushed into things because...".

 

 

Mr. Lucky

[David33]

3 months which seemed like an eternity.

[noelle303]

I've been with my boyfriend for over two years and still not moved in.

 

I think when you have kids you need to be extra careful about these things. I don't want my daughter's childhood memories to involve moving around and various men in my life.

 

If it was just me - sure, I could afford to jump into something even if it doesn't work out in the end. But with kids - I could never risk the stability of her life.

 

So, no moving in with my boyfriend for me and I probably wouldn't do it unless I was ready and willing to get married (even though that's not a sure thing either).

[Trail Blazer]

My girlfriend's aunt and uncle have a house they own and the current tenants do not wish to renew the lease. It's an amazing house, 5 bedroom and they've even said they'd reduce the weekly rental price by $20 "for family", apparently. It will be available for tenancy in late January.

So I've met these people on multiple occasions and they're really nice. What adds to the whole thing is that both mine and my girlfriend's leases finish up in late Jan and early Feb respectively.

 

My girlfriend sent me a link to the agency images the other day when we were chatting. I asked her what the deal is and she said "this would be perfect for us... there's even a 5th bedroom which might come in handy, down the track" and a wink emoji. So it's no secret my girlfriend wants another baby. Anyone who's followed my other thread would know I've got a bit going on, but I have discussed this issue previously. The security of renting from a family member removes one of my concerns about having another child.

 

I guess where my head is at is I'm thinking it's a fantastic oppprtunity, perfect house in a wonderful suburb and even closer to my kids who live a bit out of town. I had a chat to my girlfriend about where our relationship is headed and we're both in the same direction. We adore each other, support each other and want the best for ech other's kids. It's a match made in heaven. But I have a nagging feeling it might be a bit early. My heart loves the idea of going to bed with her every night, but my head says I've got to tie up some loose ends before jumping in to cohabitation with a new partner.

[elaine567]

. My heart loves the idea of going to bed with her every night, but my head says I've got to tie up some loose ends before jumping in to cohabitation with a new partner.

 

Listen to your head.

You haven't been separated a year yet and this is a very new relationship - 7 months. You both have kids and she sounds desperate to have a new baby too, at 32 the clock is ticking... Be careful.

Your son is struggling too and your ex is still causing trouble.

Frying pan and fire springs to mind.

[startingagain15]

3 years. We both have kids, and there was just too much to risk to move things too fast. After 2 years, he stayed over every weekend. Then we got married around the same time he moved in full time after being together for a full three years.

 

6 months into it now, I'm glad we waited. We have 6 kids between us and blending has been a little hard on our relationship. His younger son, and my older son, have caused us considerable grief. I think if we weren't so committed to each other it would have been much more difficult.

[Trail Blazer]

Listen to your head.

You haven't been separated a year yet and this is a very new relationship - 7 months. You both have kids and she sounds desperate to have a new baby too, at 32 the clock is ticking... Be careful.

Your son is struggling too and your ex is still causing trouble.

Frying pan and fire springs to mind.

She's now 33, but yes I can't really argue with anything you've said.

[TheRainbow]

With my ex I moved with him when I turned eighteen after a toxic three years. I shouldn't have dated him in the first place, never mind moving in with him.

 

My husband, I moved in with him just over a year together. Again we shouldn't have moved in together. I was too immature, and I had cheated on him at that point. He should have dumped me. But instead I got pregnant, and we got married. But here we are almost 11 years married.

[andie1969]

I've been with my boyfriend for over two years and still not moved in.

 

I think when you have kids you need to be extra careful about these things. I don't want my daughter's childhood memories to involve moving around and various men in my life.

 

If it was just me - sure, I could afford to jump into something even if it doesn't work out in the end. But with kids - I could never risk the stability of her life.

 

So, no moving in with my boyfriend for me and I probably wouldn't do it unless I was ready and willing to get married (even though that's not a sure thing either).

 

I agree. I moved in with my BF at just over 2 years, that was 1.5 years ago. We both have a teen and have both been married twice before so marriage is not something we are in any rush to do, if ever, but we both wanted to make sure that this was something we wanted to do for the long haul.

[BettyDraper]

My girlfriend's aunt and uncle have a house they own and the current tenants do not wish to renew the lease. It's an amazing house, 5 bedroom and they've even said they'd reduce the weekly rental price by $20 "for family", apparently. It will be available for tenancy in late January.

So I've met these people on multiple occasions and they're really nice. What adds to the whole thing is that both mine and my girlfriend's leases finish up in late Jan and early Feb respectively.

 

My girlfriend sent me a link to the agency images the other day when we were chatting. I asked her what the deal is and she said "this would be perfect for us... there's even a 5th bedroom which might come in handy, down the track" and a wink emoji. So it's no secret my girlfriend wants another baby. Anyone who's followed my other thread would know I've got a bit going on, but I have discussed this issue previously. The security of renting from a family member removes one of my concerns about having another child.

 

I guess where my head is at is I'm thinking it's a fantastic oppprtunity, perfect house in a wonderful suburb and even closer to my kids who live a bit out of town. I had a chat to my girlfriend about where our relationship is headed and we're both in the same direction. We adore each other, support each other and want the best for ech other's kids. It's a match made in heaven. But I have a nagging feeling it might be a bit early. My heart loves the idea of going to bed with her every night, but my head says I've got to tie up some loose ends before jumping in to cohabitation with a new partner.

 

 

TB, I am very glad that you are thinking that it’s too early to move in with another woman. You rushed your relationship with your STBXW and that didn’t turn out well. Be very careful about birth control so that you don’t end up baby trapped again. I only say this because women can be extremely manipulative and determined when they want to keep a man or escalate the commitment level.

 

I don’t understand why it is so hard for you to be alone instead of rushing relationships. Maybe you don’t agree and please understand that I’m not saying this to be insulting. I also find it rather suspect that your girlfriend wants to rush your relationship too. This situation looks like a pair of very needy people

[Trail Blazer]

TB, I am very glad that you are thinking that it’s too early to move in with another woman. You rushed your relationship with your STBXW and that didn’t turn out well. Be very careful about birth control so that you don’t end up baby trapped again. I only say this because women can be extremely manipulative and determined when they want to keep a man or escalate the commitment level.

 

I don’t understand why it is so hard for you to be alone instead of rushing relationships. Maybe you don’t agree and please understand that I’m not saying this to be insulting. I also find it rather suspect that your girlfriend wants to rush your relationship too. This situation looks like a pair of very needy people

 

She takes her birth control every day. I see the tablets reduce gradually all the time. The last thing she wants is to be lumped with another child from some a-hole who leaves straight after he's born and doesn't pay any child support. I guess my girlfriend has been with mainly a-holes and had been manipulated by them herself. I am perhaps not quite like some of the other guys she's dated before - when we first started chatting online she still had a couple of pics of her last ex up at the time - he looked like the typical gym junkie narcissistic douche type which she said he kinda was.

 

It's a good question, why can't I just be single instead of rushing into things? I guess I went out looking once I separated and she just came along. I wasn't desperate to land what I have, I was just looking for an ego boost and liked the idea of hooking up. When it came down to it, I found the idea of hooking up with random girls not so appealing after all. And I did have a couple of offers, but I really didn't feel a connection with these girls and I know I'd just be hurting them in the long run if I slept with these particular girls. I'm too much of a "nice guy" for my own good some times.

 

I don't know if my girlfriend would have suggested to move in together if it wasn't for this house coming up. Who knows, though? Maybe I am being manipulated and I don't realize?? My girlfriend and I had a big talk the other week about the future and she admitted that she's found it a little tough with how long the transition has been for my world to settle down and blend with hers. She said she knows why, totally understands but feels like it's hard to plan a future when the future is uncertain. Long story short, she was happy after we talked things through and coincidentally (or not?) this house came up a few days later.

 

It's possible that my girlfriend and I are a perfect match caught up in an imperfect situation of life's baggage that has set us back and in some cases is still significantly weighing us down. In terms of our kids, my girlfriend couldn't be more on board with wanting a relationship with my 2 kids and the same applies with with myself and her son. The house itself is perfect and it allows for oir blended family to ALL have their own rooms, as well as a potential baby for the future. She feels the same as I do in that we feel like we're perfect for each other.

 

Nothing offends or upsets me, so I don't mind any question or suggestion, so long as it's measured and reasonable. Desperation is hard to quantify? Desperate for what, exactly? Is my girlfriend desperate for a child? I wouldn't say so, but she loves babies and kids. Is my girlfriend desperate to find someone who treats her well, takes her son in as their own and will be a good role model for him? She has a strong desire for this. That's not a bad thing though, right? Can it be bad, even if the desire is strong enough to seem "desperate?"

 

On the other side of it, am I desperate? I don't think so, as I desperately didn't seek what I found, but I just happened to find someone who's seemingly perfect for me. She's smart, caring, empathetic and not to mention simply gorgeous to look at. I didn't think she'd even respond back to my initial message online because I thought she was probably out of my league. I've fallen for her in a big way, but does that cloud my judgement? I hope not! I still think I can think rationally and make a hard call, even if I think she won't like it!

 

The term "desperate" comes with a negative overtone, like it's a description which, if someone desires something so strongly, it removes their ability to otherwise think rationally. I don't think I am desperate for anything in the sense that what I have, what I want and what I want to move forward with requires me to make ill measured decisions which compromise other parts of my life.

 

Moving in is inevitable if we stay together, but this house complicates things as it's a fantastic opportunity that's just come up a bit earlier than what is ideal. That is what I'll need to be measured and considered about when I make the call as to what I will do.

[BettyDraper]

She takes her birth control every day. I see the tablets reduce gradually all the time. The last thing she wants is to be lumped with another child from some a-hole who leaves straight after he's born and doesn't pay any child support. I guess my girlfriend has been with mainly a-holes and had been manipulated by them herself. I am perhaps not quite like some of the other guys she's dated before - when we first started chatting online she still had a couple of pics of her last ex up at the time - he looked like the typical gym junkie narcissistic douche type which she said he kinda was.

 

It's a good question, why can't I just be single instead of rushing into things? I guess I went out looking once I separated and she just came along. I wasn't desperate to land what I have, I was just looking for an ego boost and liked the idea of hooking up. When it came down to it, I found the idea of hooking up with random girls not so appealing after all. And I did have a couple of offers, but I really didn't feel a connection with these girls and I know I'd just be hurting them in the long run if I slept with these particular girls. I'm too much of a "nice guy" for my own good some times.

 

I don't know if my girlfriend would have suggested to move in together if it wasn't for this house coming up. Who knows, though? Maybe I am being manipulated and I don't realize?? My girlfriend and I had a big talk the other week about the future and she admitted that she's found it a little tough with how long the transition has been for my world to settle down and blend with hers. She said she knows why, totally understands but feels like it's hard to plan a future when the future is uncertain. Long story short, she was happy after we talked things through and coincidentally (or not?) this house came up a few days later.

 

It's possible that my girlfriend and I are a perfect match caught up in an imperfect situation of life's baggage that has set us back and in some cases is still significantly weighing us down. In terms of our kids, my girlfriend couldn't be more on board with wanting a relationship with my 2 kids and the same applies with with myself and her son. The house itself is perfect and it allows for oir blended family to ALL have their own rooms, as well as a potential baby for the future. She feels the same as I do in that we feel like we're perfect for each other.

 

Nothing offends or upsets me, so I don't mind any question or suggestion, so long as it's measured and reasonable. Desperation is hard to quantify? Desperate for what, exactly? Is my girlfriend desperate for a child? I wouldn't say so, but she loves babies and kids. Is my girlfriend desperate to find someone who treats her well, takes her son in as their own and will be a good role model for him? She has a strong desire for this. That's not a bad thing though, right? Can it be bad, even if the desire is strong enough to seem "desperate?"

 

On the other side of it, am I desperate? I don't think so, as I desperately didn't seek what I found, but I just happened to find someone who's seemingly perfect for me. She's smart, caring, empathetic and not to mention simply gorgeous to look at. I didn't think she'd even respond back to my initial message online because I thought she was probably out of my league. I've fallen for her in a big way, but does that cloud my judgement? I hope not! I still think I can think rationally and make a hard call, even if I think she won't like it!

 

The term "desperate" comes with a negative overtone, like it's a description which, if someone desires something so strongly, it removes their ability to otherwise think rationally. I don't think I am desperate for anything in the sense that what I have, what I want and what I want to move forward with requires me to make ill measured decisions which compromise other parts of my life.

 

Moving in is inevitable if we stay together, but this house complicates things as it's a fantastic opportunity that's just come up a bit earlier than what is ideal. That is what I'll need to be measured and considered about when I make the call as to what I will do.

 

Since you have mentioned that you and your girlfriend are in love, it stands to reason that she wouldn't see you as a man who would abandon her with a child. Since it's obvious to Loveshack members that you are a man who loves children and being a provider, then why wouldn't your girlfriend be able to see that and want to enjoy the perks of being with a man like you? This is a compliment as well as a genuine question. Men are hardwired to provide so that characteristic is not rare or worrisome.

 

As for your girlfriend's birth control pills, I sincerely hope that she isn't the type of woman who would use reproductive coercion to be with you but she could be throwing them away. Just be aware that the biological urge to reproduce is VERY strong and some women will do anything to secure a good man...especially when they have been with losers. The fact that your girlfriend is already talking about having another child with you, and moving in together makes me think that she could easily have an "accidental" pregnancy to move things along.

 

Even though this is a great housing opportunity, it is still far too early for you and your girlfriend to be living together, planning to have another child, and blending your families. It's a red flag that your girlfriend doesn't see this and she's unhappy about how long the arrangements are taking-you aren't even divorced yet!

 

I find it hard to grasp the reasons for such urgency and I guess that's why I used the word "desperate". My apologies if that came across as excessively harsh. Desperation leads people to rush into serious relationships. Desperation also makes it impossible for people to take time to be single after a divorce. Getting into another serious relationship when you aren't divorced yet seems desperate as well.

 

I hope that you and your girlfriend are indeed perfect for each other. Love clouds judgement for even the most rational person and that's due to bonding chemicals. My observation is that you and your girlfriend are frantically rushing your relationship and that isn't completely rational. I know that I could be wrong. If the two of you are meant to be, there is no reason to rush into blending your lives and families so soon. Think about what happened the last time you rushed into a serious relationship, fatherhood, and marriage.

[Trail Blazer]

Since you have mentioned that you and your girlfriend are in love, it stands to reason that she wouldn't see you as a man who would abandon her with a child. Since it's obvious to Loveshack members that you are a man who loves children and being a provider, then why wouldn't your girlfriend be able to see that and want to enjoy the perks of being with a man like you? This is a compliment as well as a genuine question. Men are hardwired to provide so that characteristic is not rare or worrisome.

 

As for your girlfriend's birth control pills, I sincerely hope that she isn't the type of woman who would use reproductive coercion to be with you but she could be throwing them away. Just be aware that the biological urge to reproduce is VERY strong and some women will do anything to secure a good man...especially when they have been with losers. The fact that your girlfriend is already talking about having another child with you, and moving in together makes me think that she could easily have an "accidental" pregnancy to move things along.

 

Even though this is a great housing opportunity, it is still far too early for you and your girlfriend to be living together, planning to have another child, and blending your families. It's a red flag that your girlfriend doesn't see this and she's unhappy about how long the arrangements are taking-you aren't even divorced yet!

 

I find it hard to grasp the reasons for such urgency and I guess that's why I used the word "desperate". My apologies if that came across as excessively harsh. Desperation leads people to rush into serious relationships. Desperation also makes it impossible for people to take time to be single after a divorce. Getting into another serious relationship when you aren't divorced yet seems desperate as well.

 

I hope that you and your girlfriend are indeed perfect for each other. Love clouds judgement for even the most rational person and that's due to bonding chemicals. My observation is that you and your girlfriend are frantically rushing your relationship and that isn't completely rational. I know that I could be wrong. If the two of you are meant to be, there is no reason to rush into blending your lives and families so soon. Think about what happened the last time you rushed into a serious relationship, fatherhood, and marriage.

 

I didn't take anything you've said in a bad way, so there's no requirement to apologize. I do appreciate your honesty. I don't have a lot to say in response as you have raised some very valid points, many of which I have considered myself and also thought I'd ask myself if I were standing outside the situation. All I can say is that I'm aware and I'm self-monitoring, so to speak.

 

What I will say is that my girlfriend has lost her grandmother within the last month and she was a little more emotional than usual. She was over at my house for dinner and I could tell she was down and struggling a bit. She hadn't been sleeping and well and yes, her libido dropped a bit. I expected this somewhat, as she was really close with her grandmother and this sort of thing takes its toll on people. I was trying to talk to her because I could tell stuff was on her mind. She just said to me that she can't think straight when she's so tired and wants to talk about it when she catches up on some sleep.

 

I let it go and the next night I was past the florist and dropped some flowers and a card on her doorstep. In the card I had just written that I'm here for her whenever she needs me, etc etc. We hadn't spoken a lot over the next 24 hours, until I had a day off from work as I felt a bit off color and she asked to come around. We had an indepth discussion and I guess I reminded her that her priority should be to determine whether we are right for each other and every othet challenge can be worked through. She assured me I am and that she wants to be with me moving forward, but she had just felt a bit in limbo being a single mom at 33 and frustrated with life and where she is at currently (before you ask she does take responsibility for her own decisions but still finds it hard nonetheless).

 

It was about 2 days later when she sent me the link to the house and we discussed it a little bit. Don't think I haven't pondered the *potential* that she wanted to drum up a little more urgency just before raising the house as a topic of discussion. She only put it out there as a "if we're ready by then" suggestion. I do trust her and I think she's a really good person, but I also know that the love for her child and her desire to land a guy who's different to all the rest she's been with is very strong. Perhaps, given how her parents are, she's desperate at least to prove to them she can find a good man. They do like me and despite them being conservative country folk and myself being of mixed racial heritage and coming with a bag full of baggage, they have been open and welcoming of me.

 

Time will tell, but I will proceed with caution.

[BettyDraper]

I didn't take anything you've said in a bad way, so there's no requirement to apologize. I do appreciate your honesty. I don't have a lot to say in response as you have raised some very valid points, many of which I have considered myself and also thought I'd ask myself if I were standing outside the situation. All I can say is that I'm aware and I'm self-monitoring, so to speak.

 

What I will say is that my girlfriend has lost her grandmother within the last month and she was a little more emotional than usual. She was over at my house for dinner and I could tell she was down and struggling a bit. She hadn't been sleeping and well and yes, her libido dropped a bit. I expected this somewhat, as she was really close with her grandmother and this sort of thing takes its toll on people. I was trying to talk to her because I could tell stuff was on her mind. She just said to me that she can't think straight when she's so tired and wants to talk about it when she catches up on some sleep.

 

I let it go and the next night I was past the florist and dropped some flowers and a card on her doorstep. In the card I had just written that I'm here for her whenever she needs me, etc etc. We hadn't spoken a lot over the next 24 hours, until I had a day off from work as I felt a bit off color and she asked to come around. We had an indepth discussion and I guess I reminded her that her priority should be to determine whether we are right for each other and every othet challenge can be worked through. She assured me I am and that she wants to be with me moving forward, but she had just felt a bit in limbo being a single mom at 33 and frustrated with life and where she is at currently (before you ask she does take responsibility for her own decisions but still finds it hard nonetheless).

 

It was about 2 days later when she sent me the link to the house and we discussed it a little bit. Don't think I haven't pondered the *potential* that she wanted to drum up a little more urgency just before raising the house as a topic of discussion. She only put it out there as a "if we're ready by then" suggestion. I do trust her and I think she's a really good person, but I also know that the love for her child and her desire to land a guy who's different to all the rest she's been with is very strong. Perhaps, given how her parents are, she's desperate at least to prove to them she can find a good man. They do like me and despite them being conservative country folk and myself being of mixed racial heritage and coming with a bag full of baggage, they have been open and welcoming of me.

 

Time will tell, but I will proceed with caution.

 

I hope you were able to see your kids for Halloween.

It's so sweet to excited children in their cute little costumes.

 

My condolences to your girlfriend. Losing a grandparent can be very painful if the relationship was close. How thoughtful of you to buy flowers! That's very loving.

 

Finding life hard does not point to lack of accountability. I don't doubt that being a single parent is very difficult so there's no reason to judge your girlfriend for thinking this way.

 

I hope that both of you proceed with caution and continue to grow together in your relationship. Keep us posted.