Would it be a terrible idea to send this message to ex after so long?

[Lovehel]

I need some advice. I need to give a background so you get the full picture. I don't want to do anything really stupid.

 

Its been over a year and a half since I saw my ex. We ended things on bad terms, not even in person after 6 years He had gone away on a holiday with his mother to Italy. He rang me while he was there a few days before coming back, telling me they had decided to move back their permanently in about 6 months, at the beginning of the academic year where he had already decided on a course he was going to do. It was shocking to me, and came out of left field. He was very casual about it, and made it out to not be a big deal, tried to convince me to go with him by saying how much better a country it is etc...

 

Anyway he arrived back after the holiday and I didn't know how to deal with my emotions about it, felt extremely angry and let down. I told him this through text, he told me he was done. I didn't take it seriously until a few weeks later I noticed on Facebook he was already in a new relationship with someone he had a photo with from months before on a night out, he had his arm around her and they looked like a couple in the photo when I looked at it again, before I took no notice of it. I felt like the biggest fool, it appeared he was two timing me for months. I still wasn't completely sure. My life went into a complete tailspin after this, I could barely function for a year, and was devastated.

 

I got the courage up to message him a year later asking him about this, I wanted clarity on the situation and felt after putting 6 years of my life into the relationship I deserved the truth. He told me how he was in another relationship and couldn't talk to me out of respect for her. ( to say that angered me after he stayed in contact with his ex while with me for the duration of our relationship, knowing I felt it was disrespectful, hurt me) He never cared how his behaviour made me feel, but was willing to block me for this person he is with( they ended up moving together to Italy) . He acted like what we had was nothing, said it was nothing more than convenient at the time, called me a few nasty names and told me to get help. This affected me badly since I genuinely loved him and just couldn't get my head around why I would be treated like that.

 

I decided after that to not contact him again, because of how badly his attitude towards me hurt me. I have done my best to move on, meet new people, build my life from scratch. I have lived with unanswered questions as to why he did what he did, but there is this strong part of me that still feels connected to him and stubbornly won't let me let him go.

 

I did fall in love with his potential and how loving he could be when his mother was not in the picture, and envisioned us leaving that behind where we could be free together, without her dictating every decision he made. He had this dysfunctional relationship with the mother, who despised me for trying to get him to separate from her and stop allowing her to control him. When it was him and I alone, it was just love, no control. I miss that simpleness of pure love between us, that was just there. I do hope for him to be a free loving person, without so much control and hatred.

 

You can't buy those feelings, I never felt so much love and care for someone. It devastates me that he chose the road he did. It is hard because he has painted me as someone who tried to change him and control him when all I wanted was for him to be free, and treat me well. He chose the comfortable path. He caused me immense pain to the point where if he did come back in a few years, as much as I care and love him I don't think I could take the risk of being with him again. That is very sad for me, knowing I can't ever be with him, as much as my heart would want to be. I am not idolizing him or saying he was perfect, he didn't always treat me well, I stopped taking it personally when the counsellor I went to see last year told me he was just treating me the way he knew how, the way his mother treated him a lot of times.

 

I wrote out a message I was going to send him because I was missing him so much this past week. The message I was going to send him on Instagram where I am not blocked was this: "Hello. How's life going? I really hope you were able to stand up to your mom in the end, I have a feeling you never did though. I wish you the best with that situation, it's tough. Takes a **** ton of courage to break away from dysfunction. In a way being ostracized and left for someone else was a blessing, it was destroying me Alex. I have grown so much being away from the toxicity. Let me know if and when you are ready to talk. Maybe at some point in the future, depending on the situation.Hope you find strength one day to be free. Take care. "

 

I guess the reason behind that message is me encouraging him and in a way trying to get to him or challenge him, but I know I can never be with him when his mother is such a dictator in his life and when he doesn't work on his dysfunction. She ostracized the father also, and blackened his name like I have been. I hold this hope he will break free, and see how much I care about him. It causes me great pain knowing we can't be together. But I guess what is the point in sending that? It would probably just cause him to hate me more and if he blocked me on that I don't know how I would reach him again. It is tragic that this happened, and he would reject me when I only ever wanted what was the best for him, but I can't stop him. I have no choice to accept it. I think I definitely need to go to therapy because I do feel very much stuck emotionally, but can't ever see a time when I don't care about how he is. I know how toxic the situation is between him and his mother and how much work he needs to do on himself but I really miss him a lot.

 

I am guessing you think the message would be a terrible idea? Would there be any benefits from it? Or any point to it that you can see?

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, this is a terrible idea. But you already know that.

 

He doesn't want to be with you. I live in Italy, have an Italian partner, and know how strong Mamma's influence can be in this culture, but this guy has moved on. I guarantee you he was already planning to do so when he first went on holiday with this mom. He wanted to move back here, too. This was his very roundabout way of getting out of the relationship with you, unfortunately.

 

Wishing him strength to be "free" is really not appropriate. It comes across as presumptuous and arrogant, though I am sure that is not your intention. You're suggesting he has no mind of his own and this all his Mom's fault. I realize you are still hurting a lot but he can't be the one to make you feel better, nor should you be seeking that type of comfort from an ex. He has already told you he doesn't want to be in contact, out of respect for his girlfriend. Don't bulldoze over that boundary just to soothe yourself, girl.

 

Contacting him now , especially with a message like that, is going to make you look desperate and a little nuts. There isn't anything to gain from it and it will hurt you even more when he blocks you or tells you again to leave him be.

 

You have to accept that it's over. You will find happiness one day again when you finally let go.

Edited October 21, 2018 by ExpatInItaly

[Lovehel]

Hi thanks for the comment, appreciate the time you gave to post this. It was hard to read the words your wrote "he doesn't want to be with you", it makes my stomach churn to this day, I don't know why.

 

I agree with you when you say he was planning to do this when he went away with his mom, I just don't get why someone wouldn't be honest about that? The weird thing about it was a few days before that shocking call, he rang and asked me if I can get a job soon as well as college so we can move out together in the next few months, and settle down, and asked if we could move in to an apartment my uncle owns. I told him I would think about it. He was really putting a ton of pressure on me when before he left we had just got back together, after admitting how much we loved each other, and were committed to making it work. I find it strange now looking back. He also said how he was so sorry for how his mother treated me and he would not allow it anymore, and was going to "talk to her and stand up to her for the first time", I told him to just take it easy and relax, next thing he was moving? Can you make sense of what on earth happened? You are saying that was all a game or something, cause if it was already planned then he must have been missing with my emotions?

Edited October 21, 2018 by Lovehel

[loststarsx]

Don't do it!!!!!

[ExpatInItaly]

I told him to just take it easy and relax, next thing he was moving? Can you make sense of what on earth happened? You are saying that was all a game or something, cause if it was already planned then he must have been missing with my emotions?

 

No, I'm not saying it was a game.

 

I think he had one foot out the door for a little while, and when the idea of moving back to Italy came up, it was his chance to make his exit. He likely was lacking the courage to break up with you until push came to shove and couldn't not tell you that it was over for him.

 

The seemingly sudden change of heart could be due to the above, or perhaps he was already talking to his current girlfriend and jumped ship with you when it became apparent that they wanted to try a relationship. Not pleasant to think about, of course, but it happens.

 

The important thing is that you don't torment yourself with the whys, or operate under the false notion that if only he stood up to Mom he'd be with you now. She likely does exert influence over him, but if he's in another relationship now, his own feelings for you were just no longer what they were.

 

Turn your focus towards accepting that you two closed your chapter and that you will be happy again someday. Stop looking for answers from him, because you will likely never get the definitive ones you are seeking. It will only hurt you to keep picking this scab when he's already moved on.