Perfect relationship ended because of the caste system. I am baffled.

[vizr312]

Backstory: Sarah and I have been going out for a year now. I'm a 28M and she's a 27F. It's long distance and she lives in Washington DC, and I'm in California. We're pretty much best friends, talk to each other on the phone everyday for hours, and have built a solid foundation of trust and respect. I've never been in such a mature relationship before. We've also visited each other a few times and they all went amazingly.

 

The problem: Her parents do not approve of me. We are both Indian, however they do not approve of my specific caste. It is a much lower caste than her family's caste, and would bring shame to her family's community if we were to ever get married. I don't agree with any of this, as it isn't relevant in this day and age at all, and neither does Sarah. For the last two months Sarah has been fighting with her parents about me. Her parents absolutely want her to stop talking to me, and she's trying to fight it off. It's crazy, I have a good job, I have a good family, I treat her with respect, but literally ONLY caste is the one thing they cannot approve of.

 

All of this has definitely been taking an emotional toll on her mentally. A lot is going on in her life as well. Problems at work, problems with friends/family. She confided in me that she's been actually feeling rather depressed lately because of everything in her life. She can't sleep, can't eat, and can't enjoy things like she used to. Having to be in a relationship with someone you love while also lying to your parents is tough for her.

 

The next day, which was one week ago, I called her up to talk at night. However she was driving her parents home with her phone on the dock, and her parents saw that I was talking to her. Her mom flipped out, and they had an immense fight because she was still talking to me.

 

Two days later she texts me that we need to talk. I knew she was about to end everything. She calls me that night, completely sobbing. She could barely say the words she wanted to say. She eventually got the courage to say I just wanted thank you for everything, you're my best friend, I love our conversations, but I just cannot go against my family for this. I can't risk losing them at all. I'm going to miss you so much, and it's going to take me a long time to get over this.

 

The relationship ended, and I am now completely devastated. I thought I found the person I would marry. We worked very well together. And because of a stupid external variable of caste, we can't be together.

 

I accepted the breakup with respect. I didn't beg or try to convince her. I just let it happen.

 

It's been 7 days now since we lost spoke, and I've thought about her every single day. This hurts more than an actual breakup, because we still love each other but we just can't be together. I really want to contact her and say this was a mistake. I really want to contact her just to see how she's doing. But I feel like it won't help.

 

So I'm here asking if there is any chance for me to try and get her back? I feel like I just can't give up like that over something like caste. If the relationship actually had fundamental issues then it would make sense to end it, but it didn't.

 

I feel like she needs some space to get her mind right. Maybe she made a mistake, I have no idea. Should I just continue with keeping up no contact, or reach out to her eventually? I simply can't accept that this ended because of caste.

 

TL;DR: Relationship ended because her family doesn't approve of my caste even though we're both indian. A lot of fighting with her and her parents, and she couldn't handle it anymore.

[Mardelis]

Really nothing to be confused about. She picked her family over you.

[Tiga]

I’ve been there in a very similar situation, it ultimately comes down to they left us because of their parents.

 

All I can tell you is to be strong, time will do it’s place. She chose them and you have to accept it. I want to be clear and say that THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR WORTH. This is all based on her belief system and priorities.

 

You can be the greatest person on earth but if she can’t break her parents hearts then she is the WEAK ONE. If she can’t stand up for her own happiness and be open minded and look beyond the beliefs implement in her by her parry then she is just like them.

 

DO NOT CONTACT HER! Don’t respond if she reaches out to you, she made her decision! You are not some rag that can just be thrown out, you are a human being.

 

I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH BUT YOU WILL MAKE IT. She is not a strong person.

 

Take care of yourself!

[preraph]

It's absolutely barbaric. So sorry. I guess next time you better find out on the first date if they have to have their parents approval. It's too bad she won't just stand up to them.

 

I assume they're trying to profit off of her. Don't think that's even it legal in the US. But she could exercise her rights and the law would protect her. And no mother who wasn't a sociopath would disown their daughter for this. A mother's bond with a daughter should be much deeper than this.

Edited October 21, 2018 by preraph

[elaine567]

It's absolutely barbaric. So sorry. I guess next time you better find out on the first date if they have to have their parents approval. It's too bad she won't just stand up to them.

 

I assume they're trying to profit off of her. Don't think that's even it legal in the US. But she could exercise her rights and the law would protect her. And no mother who wasn't a sociopath would disown their daughter for this. A mother's bond with a daughter should be much deeper than this.

 

Centuries of tradition, won't just be put aside for individuals.

She will likely be disowned totally by her family and her community, she can't fight that.

Most people need family approval, especially when young, total rejection is not something they want to happen, so they cave.