Any tips to deal with anger from break-up?

[manifestsunshine]

Any tips on how everyone deals with anger?

It was a L-T relationship and towards the end I was being strung along then broken up with.

 

As much as I'm trying to forgive and move on, I get flare-ups of rage sporadically. I know it's not good. I can't seem to uplift my mood even when I'm doing things I enjoy. I feel like I've been emotionally abused from the lying and almost feel like I have a mild case of PTSD. I would really appreciate your help! Thanks!

[Endnote]

I've been there. I work out, even though I don't have much love for it. I also listen to aggressive music, metal, punk, etc. If you feel like you have to act out in anger, do it to something inanimate like an old TV, go to a shooting range, batting cages, play GTA 5 and do things on there you can do that you can't in real life. That's my best advice. Usually some healthy physical activity helps me cope with anger the most.

[manifestsunshine]

I've been there. I work out, even though I don't have much love for it. I also listen to aggressive music, metal, punk, etc. If you feel like you have to act out in anger, do it to something inanimate like an old TV, go to a shooting range, batting cages, play GTA 5 and do things on there you can do that you can't in real life. That's my best advice. Usually some healthy physical activity helps me cope with anger the most.

 

Thanks for your input!

I feel the same about working out- it feels more of an obligation. I will walk in the sand/water at the beach every other day. I def try to focus on inspiring break-up/moving on songs... maybe I do need to switch to aggressive music, which sounds like it will help. I like your suggestions though!

 

If anything, I should hit a pillow..but I like the idea of shooting range/batting cages. I don't play video games but I think getting out of the house with distractions may help much better. I also am trying to get back into Instagram (which my ex isn't on). Just having some self-esteem issues of meeting new people outside my circle of friends bc I have no job (due to health issues that have been recently fixed) and I don't want to go into details about it with people. I lost my confidence due to no job... and losing my identity, health and friends due to ending veganism.

 

I am trying to look for job prospects but it's hard when I can't seem to focus when he is on my mind constantly. I keep snooping on FB to see when he is on messenger but I know it doesn't do me any good. I just like seeing something tangible...notifying me that he's still exists. It's only been less than a week since I denied his friendship and went NC.

 

One thing that has tied me to my ex is just the fact that his new place of living, I really loved and could have imagined myself living with him. People in general were much friendlier and will make a conversation that is not superficial at all, in comparison to where I live. AS many people there are in LA, it's really hard for me to find genuine people to connect fully with. I'm really picky with friends.

 

Just trying to see if I can still put myself out there more but if I get a job soon I will feel more confident. I may try going on forums to talk to more people of things that interest me. I like engaging, challenging and intellectual stimulation which is what my ex and I had together. It does make me sad I've lost that.

 

I love to talk but realize my close friends I do have are usually busy so I don't always have someone to talk to. Since I've reached my 30's, all my friends are either married, have kids, or have moved away, or too busy...so I know I really need to step it up a notch and keep busy someway/somehow.

Edited October 22, 2018 by manifestsunshine

[Endnote]

One other thing I can recommend is to search for support groups in your area, I specifically started going to a support group for depression and anxiety, even though that's not something I've had serious problems with until my break up. Check meetup.com and search for depression / anxiety support groups. I go to one in Chatsworth which is part of the greater LA area maybe you've heard of it. Anyway, there's a lot of people there of many ages and backgrounds that are suffering because of things that are going on in their life.

 

There's a lot of vanity in LA and at times genuinely connecting with people can be frustrating. I was vegetarian for 13 years in the past year I started eating Seafood again. Didn't really lose friends over it but I know some people who are really into the the vegetarian vegan diet that can be extremely judgemental if you change any of that.

 

I can definitely relate with you when it comes to friends whose lives are moving in a direction different from yours. My best friend has been married for a while and has a daughter so getting to see him on a regular basis is pretty tough. My ex and I didn't want kids and I'm still pretty set on that no idea if she is. Other friends are married or getting married and some of them have moved out of state so I don't get to see them at all.

 

When it comes to your ex though in my experience the best thing you can do for yourself is cut that person out of your life completely. It is extremely difficult and much harder than keeping tabs on them or calling them up here and there. This is the second major relationship in my life that has ended on terms that I didn't want at all but because it's the second I have so much I've been able to bring into moving on that has helped me focus on myself. Our exes are like a drug to us, and we need to detox from that. It takes time whether we like it or not. I sure as hell don't know how soon I'm going to be over this. It's been almost 2 months since my breakup and I can look back at what I've done by going no contact in full and hope that is exactly what I need right now. I only feel slightly better from the beginning but it is definitely empowering to hold myself accountable and do what I need to move on.

 

That's obviously just my experience but many people on here will tell you that that's what it's going to take to feel better. I've been through this once before and I can tell you that they are freaking right. 6 months down the road you may still have some bad days but you're not going to feel like you do right now. It may not be what you want to hear but trust me when I say that I'm feeling the same thing so I know how much it hurts to even think about this person not being in your life anymore. Cut all contact, block him on social media block his phone number or at the very least don't respond to him if he tries to contact you until you get to a point where you can no longer feel the way you do right now. Remember nothing in life worth having comes easy.

 

I also forgot to add that the support groups that are sponsored by the dbsa out here are free. If you have any kind of access to a therapist I'd recommend that as well. They can give you some damn good objective advice.

[manifestsunshine]

One other thing I can recommend is to search for support groups in your area, I specifically started going to a support group for depression and anxiety, even though that's not something I've had serious problems with until my break up. Check meetup.com and search for depression / anxiety support groups. I go to one in Chatsworth which is part of the greater LA area maybe you've heard of it. Anyway, there's a lot of people there of many ages and backgrounds that are suffering because of things that are going on in their life.

 

There's a lot of vanity in LA and at times genuinely connecting with people can be frustrating. I was vegetarian for 13 years in the past year I started eating Seafood again. Didn't really lose friends over it but I know some people who are really into the the vegetarian vegan diet that can be extremely judgemental if you change any of that.

 

I can definitely relate with you when it comes to friends whose lives are moving in a direction different from yours. My best friend has been married for a while and has a daughter so getting to see him on a regular basis is pretty tough. My ex and I didn't want kids and I'm still pretty set on that no idea if she is. Other friends are married or getting married and some of them have moved out of state so I don't get to see them at all.

 

When it comes to your ex though in my experience the best thing you can do for yourself is cut that person out of your life completely. It is extremely difficult and much harder than keeping tabs on them or calling them up here and there. This is the second major relationship in my life that has ended on terms that I didn't want at all but because it's the second I have so much I've been able to bring into moving on that has helped me focus on myself. Our exes are like a drug to us, and we need to detox from that. It takes time whether we like it or not. I sure as hell don't know how soon I'm going to be over this. It's been almost 2 months since my breakup and I can look back at what I've done by going no contact in full and hope that is exactly what I need right now. I only feel slightly better from the beginning but it is definitely empowering to hold myself accountable and do what I need to move on.

 

That's obviously just my experience but many people on here will tell you that that's what it's going to take to feel better. I've been through this once before and I can tell you that they are freaking right. 6 months down the road you may still have some bad days but you're not going to feel like you do right now. It may not be what you want to hear but trust me when I say that I'm feeling the same thing so I know how much it hurts to even think about this person not being in your life anymore. Cut all contact, block him on social media block his phone number or at the very least don't respond to him if he tries to contact you until you get to a point where you can no longer feel the way you do right now. Remember nothing in life worth having comes easy.

 

I also forgot to add that the support groups that are sponsored by the dbsa out here are free. If you have any kind of access to a therapist I'd recommend that as well. They can give you some damn good objective advice.

 

I actually paid for a book which entailed how to get your ex back, which in the end wasn't applicable to me...but I got a private FB invite to an ex-recovery support group. I guess the best takeaway is seeing other people struggling with problems with an ex. This is what is currently helping me a lot.

 

Thanks for your recommendations! What a small world. I think you're talking about this one? Chatsworth Depression and Bipolar Support Group Meetup.

I am relatively close but traffic is horrible on the 405N...if you know what I mean! I'm actually closer to SaMo but will consider looking into all options. I'll definitely scope out what I can find though that is dbsa sponsored. Thanks for that!

 

I can usually decipher those who aren't from here because they're much more approachable and genuinely want to converse. Lately I see a lot of npc's out here.

 

I was apart of a vegan foodie group and my health really degenerated towards the end of 8 years and couldn't work at a computer without being in pain so I had to quit my job. That's great you were at least vegetarian so you were still sustaining yourself on animal products. Seafood will help a lot! I actually switched to a primal diet (by aajonus vonderplanitz)...but am now incorporating more cooked foods. I find that veganism became very cult-like out here and I definitely see right through it now with Agenda 21 (aka NWO)

 

Yeah it is really tough dealing with all the uncertainty and constant shifts. In regards to kids, it's the most difficult thinking about the future of your ex potentially being with someone else and having kids (if they change their mind). As hard as it is, I'm trying to live in acceptance right now. This was a good article explaining acceptance: https://exboyfriendinsight.com/what-it-really-takes-to-get-ex-boyfriend-back/

 

I am realizing I may have to connect with younger people now or those who are single and available to do things. It's hard knowing that other people are busy and you have to find ways to fill in the void. Also was considering to eventually volunteer somewhere, so am keeping that in mind as well.

 

My cousin is actually friends with my ex so I know he will find a way to keep tabs on me. The last text my ex and I exchanged was him wanting to drop off a shirt I left at his home (out-of-state), sometime next year. I told him not to bc it's not worth it since it would be an hour drive from his mom's house back here and I don't want to be reminded of him. He never responded back. I have a feeling he will still drop it off. It's like the anticipation is unreal of knowing he will drop off an item with his scent on it.

 

I agree it's hard to cut them out completely but def know it will be for the best. I can definitely empathize with you. I'm sorry to hear that this was also a relationship not ending on your terms. This was actually my first time being broken up with so it's a huge blow. The hardest part is focusing on yourself when they are constantly lurking in the shadows. Most def, they are as potent as a drug. The irony is that as badly as I was treated, the emotional attachment is still there.

 

You should be very proud of yourself for reaching two months. I applaud you! It's only been a week for me so I see there's a long way to go. I agree it is going to take a lot of time though as it was a five year relationship and it will be all worth it. I know I should cut contact completely but it's hard for me to do that right at this moment. If anything, will try cutting back gradually with FB to once a week to once a month and will keep his number but just don't respond. It's really nice to know there are others who are struggling just as much and it's a normal process we all go through. In the end, we better ourselves for the next person. Although the problem I foresee is trying to find another partner, but still not being over your ex. I don't really see a lot of people providing a resolution to this...as a lot of people will always have lingering thoughts about the ex...and it will be unfair to the next person you encounter if you're not fully healed.

 

What is helping me is making a list of negatives about the person and when I'm frustrated I'll keep it on hand so I can remember why it wasn't meant to be. I am still very angry about his betrayal and he's not the same person I met. But with anger comes hurt, so it's been hard to cope as the feelings come in waves. I guess my ego is really tarnished bc you would think they would realize their loss but in the end you just project thoughts that you weren't worth fighting for. I feel like I'm a very mean person right now..can't uplift my mood. I'll say things like "I wish he gets cancer soon (from smoking),"..."hope he gets health problems from standing 12 hours/day and working graveyard shift." I feel very shallow which is not like me at all. The end of a relationship is comparable to mourning a death. I sometimes pretend he is dead to me now. I just feel very bitter and hollow inside but I know it will take time. I guess my hurt has manifested into anger as a coping mechanism.

 

I hear the best thing we can do is forgive but it's so much easier said than done...along with acceptance. The hardest part is retracing what happened and then projecting a glimpse of hope that the NC will work and they come running back. I feel like a lot of my imagination keeps playing in a loop.

 

You read my mind about a therapist. I've seen a psychologist/psychiatrist in my former years so I would be intrigued to see how a therapist can help since I know the others sort of mirror what you say until you figure it out on your own. I like these forums because people like you are very generous with help and support. I usually get the answers I am looking for...but I guess the external feedback and implementation portion is when a therapist will really come in handy.

Edited October 22, 2018 by manifestsunshine