RobynS Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 (edited) To give a bit of background, my boyfriend and his ex weren’t official when she fell pregnant. What he’s told me is what they had at the time was more of a sexual relationship. When she fell pregnant they decided to try to make the relationship work and they lived together until December when they broke up, their baby turned one that February. From what everyone says she was VERY in love with him and was devastated that the relationship didn’t work. We got together in February, so quite soon after they had broken up. We worked together and therefore knew each other for about 2 years before we started dating. There were never any feelings and I actually never, ever considered that we would get together but one night after a work function where there was quite a bit of drinking we kissed and it all happened from there. They are now still busy with custody and maintenance negotiations, its been extremely drawn out. My opinion on how she is behaving and what she is demanding is neither here nor there, I understand I am biased. She demands that he only visit his child at her house and will literally lock us in the house while we are there. She will somtimes let him pick up the baby and take her out but at other times will refuse and to avoid a fight that the child will see, he must oblige (BF has done nothing to prove that he isnt capable or willing to care for their child, he visits her 3x week and pays all the childs expenses and in my opinion a very loving, devoted dad). I now often go with my boyfriend to visit their little girl, which they have both requested I do to build a relationship with their child if I am to now be part of her life and potentially step-mom. To be honest I really wish I didn’t have to go visit at her house with her around, it’s awkward to say the least but I am happy to do if it will benefit their child and to try ease some of the tension between my bf and his ex. When we leave she will message my boyfriend and comment on how I look or make comments that I am rude etc, which is completely not true. She feels as though I took BF away from here, again not the case so it would seem she makes these comments to feel better about herself and I have tried my absolute best to empathise with her and be the bigger person and not react. Last night she sent a particularly rude message to my BF after we visited about what I looked like that day (I try dress casually but still look put together, clean hair, little bit of make up etc, as i do every day). He wasn’t going to show me and then thought I had seen the message pop up on his phone so he showed me. He defends me but I don’t want him to now have to fight this fight too which battling with maintenance and custody, which are much bigger issues. The things is, I know that I am a fairly attractive girl and I am successful in my career but I do battle with self-confidence so these comments don’t help at all, they are very hurtful and consistent, every week theres something. How do I deal with this without causing a fight? She acts like the sweetest girl in front of his family and friends but she is absolutely NOT. To me, insulting someone on their physical appearance is very low and such a cheap shot. However…it still hurts. What do I do? Edited October 22, 2018 by RobynS Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 How do I deal with this without causing a fight? You don't. You let him handle it, it's his business and his business alone. Personally I don't think you should be going with him to her house. You're clearly an irritant to the whole situation and your presence is making things more strained and causing trouble. You talk of building a relationship with the girl but she is still under 2 years old?? Let him get the legalities sorted out first. Once he has a formalised contact agreement things will be much easier. In the meantime tell him to handle it, and not to even tell you about the nasty messages she sends. Best if he doesn't reply at all, even to "defend" you, because that will only encourage her to send more. Best is for him to simply say "look I don't want to talk to you about this, please only text me about the practicalities of arranging contact, not personal observations". Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Clavel Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 off the top of my head i'd say give it time. and like your step child's mother i too insisted that my stbex husband do visitation in the family home, however, i left. i stayed gone the alotted agreed up on amount of time then sent a text to confirm i'd be back. this worked for me because my stbex's "soul meat" was not trustworthy and the cakeman would try to take the kids to the "love nest" and drop them off for his visitation. so i'm thinking she'd like to be alone with him. share a visit as a family. and it pisses her off that they are not going to be a intact family, maybe she's blaming you. hell, she does blame you, in a "what has she got that i don't" way. and i think it's awesome and very telling that he lets you see his texts. kudos. and when he next receives a rude ex text, have him reply. "maybe she is **insert rude unjustified criticism here** but don't you think the visit went well, i hope we all will get along for years to come". have him repeat the same text every time. what ever she says, kept repeating, "sorry you feel that way, i hope we all can get along". which lets her know, he ain't coming back, not now anyway, i say that because, a baby is a powerful weapon in any war between ex lovers. and he did try to live with her once before. and i believe the old adage, we must love those whom god has placed before us, try to love her a little. and with that in mind work towards gettin that kid over to your house for the night. with the added bonus that she might start to get some wind in her sails and make a different life for herself, she just needs time. like a lot of new moms she is probably very tired and unhappy with her body. so she might accept the notion that you can be trusted with overnights and she might like gettin out and gettin some, somewhere else, of course. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RobynS Posted October 22, 2018 Author Share Posted October 22, 2018 She isnt under 2 years old anymore, she turned one when they broke up. Time has since passed. I dont particularly want to go to her home to visit either but both her mom and dad have requested that i do this as they want as much of a nomral family dynamic for her as possible. Her moms new BF does so too and we have even all hung out together. Hard for me to leave it as "his business" when she is hurling peronsal insults at me. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 her mom and dad have requested that i do this as they want as much of a nomral family dynamic There is nothing normal about this family dynamic!! How come you all and her new BF hung out together? He is in an ongoing custody situation and you two hate each other. Why on earth would you agree to all hang out together?? Hard for me to leave it as "his business" when she is hurling peronsal insults at me. No, she is hurling them at him not at you. What he does with them (deletes them or passes them on to you) is up to him. Tell him it's his job to handle it and you don't want to hear it. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 Does your BF say anything to her about the insults? If he doesn't you need to ask him why he doesn't defend you. This business about having visitation her way to avoid a fight is nonsense. He needs to get his lawyer involved to come up with something more fair. She can't legally keep him from his kid. If he's cow towing to her at your expense, you have a problem. I'd simply stop going. Why should you be dragged through this? Link to post Share on other sites
Springsummer Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 The wisest move is to find another guy. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 I agree. Never date men who have a "baby mama". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RobynS Posted October 22, 2018 Author Share Posted October 22, 2018 With regards to having the visitation her way to avoid a fight - she will chnage her mind once we have arrived and will start screaming, shouting, crying and most recently, yanked the litttle girl from my BF who was holding her, causing her to cry and become scared. He is just doing the best he can to avoid conflict in front of his daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 It would be best if you stayed home and let him handle his 'baby mama' and child. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 With regards to having the visitation her way to avoid a fight - she will chnage her mind once we have arrived and will start screaming, shouting, crying and most recently, yanked the litttle girl from my BF who was holding her, causing her to cry and become scared. He is just doing the best he can to avoid conflict in front of his daughter. Why does he have to “visit” his child? Why does he not have custody, such that there are periods of time on the week when the child spends time with him? Seriously, the most important thing in this situation is boundaries. This woman has proven that she is not capable of maintaining her composure in your presence. Which means, you don’t get together. Either, he has custody and she is not present, or you do not go to her home. How long have you been dating this guy? This is way too much drama for me... I would be rethinking the whole relationship... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 The wisest move is to find another guy. I agree. Never date men who have a "baby mama". Exactly... OP You popped into this situation far too early. There wasn't time for either of them to process the break up and as she still loved him and had a child by him, that was when you should have bowed out and left them to it. She obviously hates you and it isn't getting any better with time or even her new bf is it? In fact with her new "family" unit, she will probably resent the intrusion of her ex and especially you even more. This ain't going away anytime soon, sorry to say. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 she will chnage her mind once we have arrived and will start screaming, shouting, crying and most recently, yanked the litttle girl from my BF who was holding her, causing her to cry and become scared. That's not surprising. You (rightly or wrongly) elicit a lot of negative feeling in her. Now maybe she is just crazy and would do the same even if you weren't there, or maybe she wouldn't. But you are an irritant to the whole situation. He is just doing the best he can to avoid conflict in front of his daughter. No he's not. The best thing he can do to avoid conflict is to ask you to stay home. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Rockdad Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 This is a big family mess and if your there your going to be in it knee deep. Very possible she has you in her sights as a scapegoat. For your own sake consider not going until the court order is signed, parameters are set and the child gets to visit without the interference and ridiculous rules of baby mama. You will have the opportunity to build a relationship with the child but what you have described now is not the time with all the family dysfunction and you in her crosshair. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 Your description of what's happening in front of this little girl is completely unacceptable. First things first, you need to set some boundaries for yourself. Do not ever put yourself in a situation where you're likely to be abused by anyway. This includes a boyfriend's ex. No matter what she says or he wants, you must say No to being treated in this way. Second thing is that if your bf is serious about seeing his daughter, he needs to set up formal visiting arrangements and be able to have his girl without mum being present. Link to post Share on other sites
Brianbrown Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 I agree with basil, Do not ever put yourself in a situation where you're likely to be abused by anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
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