Petals23 Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 (edited) Hi. I'm with my partner now 2 years. We're in late 40s and and 50s. Until recently we both owned our own houses 5 minutes from each other. A relative of his used to live close to him for years but then moved to a town 1 hour away to be closer to elderly parents. During the summer this relative rang my boyfriend to say a house had become available in the same estate and would he be interested in buying. Before this he had no intention of moving. He went to see this house the next day and only told me he'd been to see it afterwards. He said he liked this place, is very close to this relative and their family and was going to go for it but at the same time didn't want it to put distance between us. I have to say I have some connection to this place and lived there when I was younger but hated the commute and I love where I live now and would not like to live back there and he knows this. Anyway, everything happened quickly and he sold his own house. His new place will be ready soon and in the meantime he's staying between me and this relative. He will continue to stay with me some nights when he moves as it's nearer to his job, he told me what nights would suit him. I feel there's a cloud hanging over us now. Do I have a right to feel upset? Edited October 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
RobynS Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 Yes you absolutely have a right to be upset! He should of consulted with you before making the decision. I think that you would have felt better possibly if he had spoken to you about the option of moving and you had both discussed the pros and cons of the move. He essentiallychose his own needs over the needs of the relationship and didnt even think to consider you in his decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 2 years, and not living together, married or even engaged yet? I would be asking him what he thinks the future of this relationship looks like. Do you plan to live together, and if so where? Or are you both happy to carry on as you are indefinitely: maintaining separate places and having occasional sleepovers or weekends together? Moving an hour away is not like moving 8 hours away, but in the long term if you're looking for either living together or marriage then him buying a new house solo is a step in the wrong direction. And the fact that he just went ahead and did it without consulting you or discussing what the future of your relationship holds, seems to speak volumes about how HE sees your future together. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 Yes you can feel upset. Your emotions are yours; there is no right or wrong. But it seems your guy is trying to balance a number of factors. Did you expect him to abandon the elderly relative? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Petals23 Posted October 22, 2018 Author Share Posted October 22, 2018 No, his relative is actually a bit younger than my boyfriend. She moved to be closer to her elderly parents. He has nothing to do with them. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 The house he's now buying must be better than the one he owns. I can understand your being disappointed that there will be a further distance between you but after 2 years he hasn't asked you to marry him so I don't think he's very invested. You guys will probably break up due to the distance. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 Two years, no commitment, he doesn’t consult you about major decisions, and tells you what days suit him to see you. I’d save him the trouble and end the relationship myself. This isn’t how a person treats someone they love and are committed to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 Is this house a lot better than the one he just sold? Why move? If he doesn’t have anything to do with his relatives as you mentioned above, why move so far? Or is it closer to his work? Does he normally move so quickly on big moves like this? Does he move a lot? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Petals23 Posted October 22, 2018 Author Share Posted October 22, 2018 No, it's actually further away from his job. It's a bungalow, whereas his old house was semidetached. He is very close to this relative and missed them when they moved away, so literally made an overnight decision when this house became available. He normally doesn't make such quick decisions but this might have been snapped up if not. I know he has no ties to me but it's not something we talked about. I can just see us continuing to date as we are but probably seeing less of each other. We were both living in a nice area and could pop over to each other at short notice. Am I wrong to say I want to continue to live here? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 No you aren't wrong to continue to live where you are; nor is he wrong for wanting to move to a home that is more to his liking. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 (edited) No, it's actually further away from his job. It's a bungalow, whereas his old house was semidetached. He is very close to this relative and missed them when they moved away, so literally made an overnight decision when this house became available. He normally doesn't make such quick decisions but this might have been snapped up if not. I know he has no ties to me but it's not something we talked about. I can just see us continuing to date as we are but probably seeing less of each other. We were both living in a nice area and could pop over to each other at short notice. Am I wrong to say I want to continue to live here? That last question tells me that you have very weak boundaries and your bf probably has very little respect for you. That isn’t a question to ask when he up and made a decision that hugely impacts your relationship without even discussing it with you. Personally, I think it’s a very passive way to piss you off and make you break up with him. If nothing else, his relative means more to him than you do. No matter how you look at it, you don’t seem to be a priority in his life and the more you tolerate this, the less he’ll respect you. Edited October 22, 2018 by bathtub-row Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 He's not planning a future with you or he wouldn't have done this without consulting you, so my best advice to you is start dating other people because this man has no commitment to you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 I’m sorry, OP. What a crappy thing to do after 2 years without discussing it with you first. I’d assume that he’s not that invested in you or the relationship. At this point, I’d not even let him stay with you those nights that “suit him.” 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 I would not agree to being his landlady when it suits him. Free sex and board and lodgings - great... After two years your "partner" excluded you from an important life decision. Who is this "relative" anyway? She seems to have a bigger hold on him than you do anyway, what is that really all about? Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted October 22, 2018 Share Posted October 22, 2018 I was also wondering who this “relative” is- is she a cousin? Also he should not be allowed to live with you during this time. Tell him this living with you is not going to work for you. Have you ever had a conversation about living together or anything regarding your future? Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 Has he always been a bachelor? Does he have any kids? I’m just asking because it sounds like something that a lifelong bachelor who doesn’t have any attachments would do. I’m not harping on bachelors, but I’m just saying, if he’s never had any attachments or dependents his whole life then he’s never had to worry about anyone else, and maybe he’s always just made decisions just to suit himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Petals23 Posted October 23, 2018 Author Share Posted October 23, 2018 To answer your questions Malin889, yes, he's a bachelor, no kids, had a couple of short term relationships over the years. So would you consider his move to be selfish or just used to independence. I must say I also am independent, but have brought up his move and how I worry we'll see less of each other and how I feel like a convenience and don't fancy travelling a bit more... even though it is only an hour. Each time I bring it up he's says he understands and we'll have a chat about where we're going and then never mentions it again. I suppose I'll have to wait until he moves in and see how it pans out. As I said I've always been independent and I'm going to start planning things for myself and not being around so much. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 (edited) I think it's time for you to make a statement for yourself -- "Xname, I love you and I've been enjoying our relationship. I am hoping to be married and having kids in Xyears' (2 years, 3 years). What are your long term goals right now and where do I fit in?" Edited October 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote of immediately preceding post Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 ONLY an hour away? If a guy I was dating long-term did this without talking to me about it, I’d take the hint and exit his life. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 I think it's time for you to make a statement for yourself -- "Xname, I love you and I've been enjoying our relationship. I am hoping to be married and having kids in Xyears' (2 years, 3 years). What are your long term goals right now and where do I fit in?" We're in late 40s and and 50s. Does the OP want kids? Maybe a bit late perhaps... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 Does the OP want kids? Maybe a bit late perhaps... Ok, probably, no kids But, she should find out if they have the same goals -- living together, marriage, etc. This guy seems like he still thinks of himself as a bachelor with no strings at all. It seems like this has just been one long casual dating scenario on the road to nowhere. And, even that's OK if both agree to that. But she seems like she wants more than that - a commitment of some kind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 To answer your questions Malin889, yes, he's a bachelor, no kids, had a couple of short term relationships over the years. So would you consider his move to be selfish or just used to independence. I must say I also am independent, but have brought up his move and how I worry we'll see less of each other and how I feel like a convenience and don't fancy travelling a bit more... even though it is only an hour. Each time I bring it up he's says he understands and we'll have a chat about where we're going and then never mentions it again. I suppose I'll have to wait until he moves in and see how it pans out. As I said I've always been independent and I'm going to start planning things for myself and not being around so much. I think it’s a combo of being selfish and being independent. Obviously he’s being selfish but it’s like he knows no other way, assuming he’s only had to take care of himself. But this doesn’t get him off the hook nor am I defending him in any way. If he really wants to be in a committed relationship, it’s time for him to grow up. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 24, 2018 Share Posted October 24, 2018 He told you which nights would "suit him" to stay at your house for convenience's sake while he's homeless??? Good grief. When you give money to someone in exchange for nothing, do you let them decide what type of dollar bills would "suit them", too? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted October 25, 2018 Share Posted October 25, 2018 Yes, I would speak your mind, and tell him how you feel about this. And if he's not giving you what you want, then don't give him what he wants. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Petals23 Posted October 27, 2018 Author Share Posted October 27, 2018 I was working away for a week two weeks ago and told him I wasn't happy him staying in my place when I was away and I felt like I was just convenient to have around, so he stayed with them that week and also this week - I've hardly seen him, but I suppose this is what it'll be like from now on. He said we'd talk about it when I got back but he hasn't mentioned it since. It's me that always brings it up. He said last night on the phone he hopes I'm not missing him too much. We're due to meet up tomorrow. A friend mentioned to me we're more like friends with benefits... something I don't want to be. Link to post Share on other sites
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