How do i cope?

[qyunnie]

Hi,

 

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year. When he broke up with me he said that i deserve better, and that because he loves me so much he has to let me go for the sake of my future. He will be going to prison for a year and doesn't wish for me to wait for him and claims that having someone wait stresses him. We have discussed this before and i already told him i would wait, and it seemed like he did want me to wait then.

 

We also had a bit of communication problems. There are times we don't listen to each other. For example i wanted to watch a movie alone and he was upset about it because he said it made him feel useless as a boyfriend, that i have to do something alone. I wanted to explain that it wasn't his fault, there are just times i want to be alone, and we ended up arguing. The thing is whenever we argue, i tend to avoid the problem and give him a cold shoulder because i don't know how to react. I know we are supposed to sit down and come to a solution. Sometimes when i feel down i don't tell him either because i don't want to add on to his stress, and he says that he wished that i would just rant to him, and we end up having an argument because i wouldn't communicate with him and he's always trying to solve it. Because of this he feels tired of trying to help me.

 

After our break up i've been reflecting and i know that what i did was not right, and for a relationship to work we have to communicate and not avoid the problem. I want to get back together with him even though i know its unlikely because he seems so determined to not get back with me, for the sake of "my future". I know that other than the communication, he doesn't wish for his prison issue to drag me down. I really want to work on our communication again and i'm willing to wait for him while he's in prison.

 

When he was making his decision, he told me that i was someone he didn't want to lose but at the same time he doesn't deserve and that the breakup was a very difficult decision for him. He asked for us to be friends. I know he still cares for me because he still contacts my family and close friends, telling them to give me emotional support as he knows that it wouldn't be easy for me to move on. He told my best friend to help me understand that being with him i would suffer in the long-term. But i do not understand why he says this, because i am really happy whenever i'm with him. I don't want to move on and keep having hope that we would get back together.

 

I would love some advice on how to cope. It's so difficult dealing with the heartbreak, and he is all that comes to my mind...

[d0nnivain]

A lot can happen over the course of a year while he's in prison. Allow the break up. I mean it's not like him being in prison will be fun for you; you can't date or anything.

 

When he gets out see if you still like him. An experience like that changes a man.

[ExpatInItaly]

When he was making his decision, he told me that i was someone he didn't want to lose but at the same time he doesn't deserve and that the breakup was a very difficult decision for him. He asked for us to be friends. I know he still cares for me because he still contacts my family and close friends, telling them to give me emotional support as he knows that it wouldn't be easy for me to move on. He told my best friend to help me understand that being with him i would suffer in the long-term. But i do not understand why he says this, because i am really happy whenever i'm with him. I don't want to move on and keep having hope that we would get back together.

 

He says this because he knows he doesn't want to be with you anymore, for a few reasons, but he's trying to be gentle. I am sure he is being honest that sticking around and waiting for him isn't a good idea for you, but I think he's lost interest in the relationship in general and is having a hard time actually saying so.

 

As d0nnivain suggested, it's best that you let this break-up happen and not push the matter right now. He isn't in any place to be dating anyway and who knows what the year ahead holds for him. There is no telling how he'll handle life behind bars, nor how he will be when he gets out. Allow yourself to have the gift of freedom from what is surely going to be a stressful experience for him.

 

For context, how old are you both and what did he do that landed him a prison sentence?

[Mardelis]

He's a CONVICT. Nowadays if a criminal gets a year odds are they were convicted of something fairly serious and pleabargained it down or whatever.

 

 

 

Whatever he told you he did is not the full story. I wouldn't be surprised if he said he was innocent but he made bad choices in who he hangs out with, or got a bad rap or was framed or someone made a mistake, that sort of thing.

 

 

 

Grieve the relationship, heal, and then find yourself a nice guy who doesn't break the law. You can do better.

[qyunnie]

He says this because he knows he doesn't want to be with you anymore, for a few reasons, but he's trying to be gentle. I am sure he is being honest that sticking around and waiting for him isn't a good idea for you, but I think he's lost interest in the relationship in general and is having a hard time actually saying so.

 

As d0nnivain suggested, it's best that you let this break-up happen and not push the matter right now. He isn't in any place to be dating anyway and who knows what the year ahead holds for him. There is no telling how he'll handle life behind bars, nor how he will be when he gets out. Allow yourself to have the gift of freedom from what is surely going to be a stressful experience for him.

 

For context, how old are you both and what did he do that landed him a prison sentence?

 

I’m 19 and he’s 24. He got into a group fight, and the law here states that if there’s at least 5 people involved it’s considered rioting. He will be getting his sentence next week, and the maximum sentence is 15 months.

Thank you for your advice anyway. We just had a good chat about the breakup and i think i found the closure i needed to move on. It kinda felt peaceful after getting a proper talk with him.

But is it okay if i provided him support to go through this tough period? He told me that because of the prison issue he believes that he doesn’t have a future ahead and is very negative about his life. I kind of want to encourage him not to give up.

[d0nnivain]

Nobody is saying you can't be supportive. You seem very kind. However, you are young. Understand he may not be the same man when he gets out & it will be VERY difficult for him to find a good job. Don't throw your future away to be compassionate. Date other people while he's unavailable & see how you feel about things once he gets released.

[preraph]

When a man tells you he's not good enough for you, you need to believe it. He has a reason. He knows he's not capable of being responsible enough and here he is going to prison. You need to be thankful he's breaking up because nothing goes right after prison. Aren't you going to want someone who can make a living and be reliable? If not, you need to see why you don't think you deserve that. Take this opportunity to get out and stay out.

[ExpatInItaly]

How do you intend to be supportive? My concern is that you will still try to contact or visit him while he's incarcerated, giving yourself false hope that if you are his support system he will come back to you.

 

I am also a little confused about the length of his sentence. If he hasn't been sentenced yet, how does he know he's going away for a year? Or was this more or a preemptive break-up in case he receives the maximum penalty?

 

Does he have a prior record?

[qyunnie]

How do you intend to be supportive? My concern is that you will still try to contact or visit him while he's incarcerated, giving yourself false hope that if you are his support system he will come back to you.

 

I am also a little confused about the length of his sentence. If he hasn't been sentenced yet, how does he know he's going away for a year? Or was this more or a preemptive break-up in case he receives the maximum penalty?

 

Does he have a prior record?

 

The case has been ongoing for a year but the sentence was never finalised. The judge did mention something about 1 year, but i don’t know why the case keeps dragging on. He will be going to the court again next week. And no he does not have any prior records.

 

I’m actually still in contact with him so i just want to motivate him before he goes in. I won’t be having any contact with him anymore once he’s in, i doubt he wants that either because it will probably be a burden that there’s someone out there waiting for him.

 

But thank you all for your advice! I feel better already compared to the past few days.